They’re divorcing , he’s initiated proceedings but I know he’s sad …

[sleays]

Im seeing a man for the last four months. I am divorced, he is divorcing and nearly there. His wife is an alcoholic and has been for over ten years. Her health is in decline now and despite much treatment and support , seems to be in end stages of alcohol related disease.
Their children do not have a relationship with her and their adult children have their base at his home. He moved out a few years ago.
He loved his wife very much and adored family life but years of alcohol related damaging behaviours towards her, he children and him led him to leave eventually.
I see he’s sad at times and says that we will always live her but has to divorce in order to salvage some happiness in his own life.
Their children cannot stand her and refuse to have any relationship with her but that said, they suffered and witnessed more than any child ever should have to.
my question here is probably help to understand him
and his mindset. He bears no ill will towards her generally but mourns his marriage and family life.
we are having a lovely time getting to know one another but I’m struggling to make sense of it all as I have no experience regarding alcoholism and its effects on the family and marriage. He’s never once given out about her , only to say that on one or two occasions he did get upset at home with frustration.
Inasked him that if she stopped drinking and asked for their marriage to try again what would he do. He said firstly that it will never happen but that he couldn’t ever go through it again.

He is still sad now and again though.
thanks for reading. I hope im
making sense.

I’ll always love the father of my child, we haven’t been together for 30 years. But regards the alcoholism, that’s a disease so he’s not going to stop loving her because she’s ill, no matter how devastating that disease is to the family.

Im not.

But I have seen what this does to a family via my ILs - and more the experience of the child than the spouse.

This isnt just about her alcoholism, its how hes responding to it. Hes told you he LOVES her, not LOVED. He HAS to divorce her, not wants to. He said he will always love her. And you know from my experience both things are probably true, that he loves her and he cant tolerate being with her.

But he isnt even saying he loves her because of history, or their children. He misses their marriage and family. Except he still has his family and a relationship with you.

The fact hes no longer able to be with her doesnt mean hes ready to be with you.

I sympathise with him, I just dont think that gives him a free pass to use you as a therapist and support system. He sounds like someone struggling with his own stuff to be able to be present for stuff with you. And while hes likely decent in a lot of ways I think youll give alot and he wont be able to reciprocat. And Im not sure he can love you while he loves her this much

About 10 years ago I started seeing a lovely widower - we were both 50 ish.
His wife had been an alcoholic and died from alcohol related illness when their daughter was about 10.. maybe 5 years earlier.
We saw each other for about three years and I really wanted it to work, but he was never ever going to be able to let anyone else fully into his life.
I know he’d had an awful time and I really tried not to take any offence but every little thing was kind of mentally run past her and everything was done the way she’d done it.
I got on so well with his daughter but sadly just had to give up on him.
I really hope that your situation is different, OP 🤞

You are with a man that is grieving for the life he craved and the woman he loved. He may still love her but be in love with her. They didn't have a huge fall out, nobody cheated so there is no hate between them, just love for a life that could have been. He sounds like a lovely man but is he really ready to share his life again and are you ready and able to accept the love he has for his ex and how he will react when she loses the battle?

Your new partner will be carrying pantechnicons of baggage. My husband’s ex was an alcoholic and he still has very warm feelings for her. She still phones him when she’s having a crisis, even though he and I have been together for over 20 years.
There are also issues with his children which are presenting more the older they get. I’m most definitely his ‘comfort blanket’, but he is so very grateful and loving I can tolerate it. Just be aware that you will never have him entirely to yourself.
it’s not always easy!

Haven't read other responses so I don't know if someone has suggested but my advice to you would be to go to Al-anon. Meetings are held for exactly these scenarios ie family/friends affected and they will help you and certainly him navigate through this devastating situation and awful illness. Speaking from experience. ❤️
Edited to add: link below
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

This - you can love a person but are unable to take any more of their behaviour and may need to remove yourself in order to survive.

Slow down. He's traumatised by all this and he hasn't disengaged from regret, sadness, ghosts of the love they had and so on. I'd step back at least until the divorce is done and all contact cut.

Sorry, not got time to RTFT for once, so may be repeating.
I’d suggest joining Al-anon to learn about supporting family survivors of alcoholism. My friend has been a volunteer support worker (and participant) all her adult life snd the work they donis amazing. I’ve learned so much from her too!

Good luck to you, I hope it works out x

I think he sounds like a decent man. It's better to acknowledge that they loved each other than to slag off his ex like lots of people do. It does sounds complicated but I hope it works out for you OP.

You really have to know an alcoholic or be involved with one to understand their behaviour. This women sounds as though she is at Stage 5 of this terrible disease.

Which is the last Stage of Alcoholism.
Google to find out more.

Alcoholics behave atrociously towards their families and can steal.money, act violently and often become pathological.liars. Even though they still cry they they will give up drink and plead they love everybody.

This behaviour can be very destructive to their loved ones and can go on for years.. It can be like living with permanent grief. The person you knew has now gone. And you are contending with a Monster.

At some point the loved ones has to decide that they can take no.more.and want to survive. If not they would probably end up being really ill.

Even,if the person is the love of their life

And l think this what this man is trying to tell you.

He seems decent enough and to have a lot of courage to make this decision..But l would say he needs some counselling /professional help.You can be a shoulder to cry on.
But don't be his therapist. That is not your role.

So, I would cool it for a while until after the divorce and seen how things go from there..

There is a website run by An American women named Amber Hollingsworth. An Alcoholic Counsellor with over 20years experience of giving treatment ,called Put That Shovel Down.

It has tons of videos about Alcoholics and the way they behave and treatment for them.

Very Informative.

All the Best.
😻
X

Sounds like he's grieving about what could have been but unfortunately knows that it will never happen.So sad.

I think you should be pleased that he mourns a relationship. No one gets married thinking their whole life is going to turn out crap. Everyone mourn lose, he sounds nice.