They’re divorcing , he’s initiated proceedings but I know he’s sad …

[sleays]

Im seeing a man for the last four months. I am divorced, he is divorcing and nearly there. His wife is an alcoholic and has been for over ten years. Her health is in decline now and despite much treatment and support , seems to be in end stages of alcohol related disease.
Their children do not have a relationship with her and their adult children have their base at his home. He moved out a few years ago.
He loved his wife very much and adored family life but years of alcohol related damaging behaviours towards her, he children and him led him to leave eventually.
I see he’s sad at times and says that we will always live her but has to divorce in order to salvage some happiness in his own life.
Their children cannot stand her and refuse to have any relationship with her but that said, they suffered and witnessed more than any child ever should have to.
my question here is probably help to understand him
and his mindset. He bears no ill will towards her generally but mourns his marriage and family life.
we are having a lovely time getting to know one another but I’m struggling to make sense of it all as I have no experience regarding alcoholism and its effects on the family and marriage. He’s never once given out about her , only to say that on one or two occasions he did get upset at home with frustration.
Inasked him that if she stopped drinking and asked for their marriage to try again what would he do. He said firstly that it will never happen but that he couldn’t ever go through it again.

He is still sad now and again though.
thanks for reading. I hope im
making sense.

Thanks. Sometimes it feels like I’m dating a widower I guess, with all love and respect to widowers, of course.

What would happen if she got into a really effective recovery programme and became sober? A lot of alcohol related health issues can reverse themselves once sobriety has been achieved. She might reconcile with her husband and children. Where would that leave you? I’m saying this because anecdotally, I know a supposedly hopeless drunk who got his life back after years of alcoholism.

I have a friend like this and I do think there are rose tinted glasses and they think of them as they person they fell in love with and they attribute all their “failings” down to the alcoholism rather then them having other flaws too. I also think there is an element of deflection that they don’t want to be held accountable for staying and putting up with the abuse/damage they (and the DC) suffered.

I asked him what would happen if she ever did recover . He said that there’s too much water under the bridge now and that could never happen. He is divorcing her right now . He said the damage is too much and that when she was in recovery, she refused to engage family in therapy sessions etc . She reluctantly took whatever medications that she was prescribed and returned to alcohol a few weeks after she came home

. She reluctantly went in to rehab ,
originally but spent three months there. He said the family home was blissful and peaceful while she was there so heaven knows what the reality of family life was like.
He told me that his family and friends found her to be controlling and at times aggressive ever before the alcoholism became an issue, but was soft at home and loving. Friends of friends recouled
I believe that he loves the woman she was before alcohol became an addiction but a friend of a friend went on a rant when her name was mentioned in company recently due to her behaviour when drinking around others .

I'd add to the voices saying go verrrry slowly with this... whether she dies, or survives and recovers, he could feel a lot of regret and then - fairly or not - blame you from 'tempting him away' from the love of his life... His decisions and actions should be entirely independent of you. Would he leave her now if he didn't have you to fall back on?

Also, emotions are obviously high and intense right now - never a good idea to make permanent decisions in that state.

Take care of yourself!

He failed to protect his children and he is willing to continue to be emotionally connected ro this woman who refused to accept the treatment she needed to get better.

What kind of a partner will he make for you?
He is not truly making himself available for you. He didn't put his children first, he is unlikely to pur you first. He needs therapy to understand his behaviour and recover from the relationship he was in. When she dies, he will also need support. Do you want that to be you?

You should think about what you want from a relationship and see if this relationship meets your needs.

What is your relationship history? Is this a pattern? Would you benefit from therapy? What if you put yourself first and didn't accept a compromise?

@ChateauMargaux is a little harsh, as with domestic violence it's never as simple as "why didn't he just leave?". But I agree that therapy could help.

I think you could usefully get some insight from other partners / ex-partners of addicts. Sometimes they grew up with alcoholic parents so their "normal" is coloured by that. They will have greater (but still finite) acceptance of the chaos and destruction that addiction brings into the home.

Al-Anon is a support group for the family and friends of alcoholics, and although you are not directly affected, their resources could be helpful.

I feel very sad for him and his children. Just be careful about what emotional load you are willing/able to carry in what is a very new relationship.

Their marriage years ago and he moved out with his then teenage children. I think it’s unfair to suggest he didn’t protect his children but I don’t know the full circumstances. I believe that he tried everything to keep his family together and help and support her .
I do know that neither he nor his children have a relationship with her .
He did have a relationship for some months that ended last year due to infidelity on his ex gfs part.
He adores his children and I sense that they have always come first in that while he tried to keep the family together , he also tried to hide the reality of the effects of addiction from them.
They still come first of course and his home is where they live and come to from Uni and their now city homes.

So the next question is, do you want to be his support person, or do you want a relationship where both parties are in a good position to be emotionally and physically available for each other? This doesn't sound like a fun, adventurous and loving start to a relationship that one might hope for...

We are having the most fantastic time though! I’m trying to enjoy it for now but I worry about what’s coming down the line

I think in a way he is mourning/ grieving for what might of been. They fell in love and wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. If not for her addiction and subsequent behaviour then they could of been happy together, a secure family in which to raise their children together.

Going through the legal process can throw all of those emotions to the forefront. He sounds emotionally intelligent and is process his feelings. It can be very cathartic and helps you move on.

Interestingly, I find him to be very emotionally intelligent. Pragmatic also but yes, while it doesn’t consume him
or our time together , he definitely feels sadness of their early lives together.
He has a large group of very loving friends and family and is highly regarded so he has that circle. He is also very open about it all.

I think this is a question you need to reflect on... he had a life before you.. that life still exists in a new form... can you separate your life with him from his life with his children and his soon to be ex wife, knowing that it will continue to be present for him and that he will continue to experience emotions and perhaps be required, feel obliged or wish to be a part of how the rest of his ex wife's life unfolds.

It doesn't sound like this is enough for you... can you come to terms with it or do you want someone who is all in with you, with zero baggage.. uncomplicated humans with no history at this age, are often to a greater or lesser extent, emotionally unavailable .... no situation is perfect, compromises might be necessary, is this a compromise worth making?

one of his parents was also an alcoholic and he holds them in high esteem , often referring to their wonderful attributes forgetting the chaos they brought on the parents marriage, biusiness and family lives. He has said that due to the nature of his own parents relationship he often felt that he was ‘too willing to turn a blind eye to behaviours that were commonplace for him growing up’ I guess he was a saying that this was his norm growing up and then in his marriage the pattern repeated itself so he was exceptionally tolerant ?

I feel cherished, respected and adored by him and we do plan for the future. We are at the ‘same’ stage of life with our children, work, family and friends commitments but it is a long distance relationship right now which we both want and value very highly. As we at eour children’s primary caregivers for want of a better phrase , we will always keep our own homes until they are all fully independent of us. That will be ten years possibly and that sits very well with us right now .

If you can afford it, it might be useful to have some counselling, exploration, time to find out what you want in your next stage in life, but also what you want right now... your responsibilities to your children will remain as long as they are still dependant on you, but your responsibilities to this partner are a choice, and despite your insistence that your relationship is great, it is clearly causing you some concern, it would do no harm to explore those concerns and see whether they matter to you or not.. you can't fix him.. if you see something in the way he remains attached to his soon to be ex wife that bothers you, you could choose to step back until it is resolved rather than being affected by it. It is your choice to remain and if that means not putting your needs first, take that decision consciously.

I’ve done all the therapy after my
owm marriage ended years ago. I’ve been very careful and selective who I’ve allowed into my life but this man seems to be worth a chance on love again.
Im very aware of what’s going but I actually feel so sad for her and his kids too. He has no contact with her except for seeing her once a year. That’s it really. She will probably die soon and that will bring it’s own trauma and I feel like Inwould be a good bit detached support to him

Does he go to an Al Anon group? Their children should, too, if not already doing so. It helps.

Hi

So i suspect your actual Qn is, is he a good option? And tbh, no he isnt. Look, he sounds like a decent, but sad man. And its understandable he watched the woman he loved slowly kill herself in front of their children. He clearly has good values, loves his children and is struggling to deal with the fact he HAS to divorce his wife.

And hes right he cant save her.. she doesnt want saving.. he might have even suggested the divorce in a last ditch attempt to get through to her.

But thats also I load of bagage and he sounds not ready for a relationship. Its a type of grief. And its understandable but its not your problem. Do you want to be his therapist? Unless the answer is yes Id end it, because youll always be second best to the life he wishes he still had with his wife. He wont get over her, even though he knows being with her was miserable.

I ended my marriage because my exH is an alcoholic. He is in denial. Like your dp, I still loved my exH. 18 months later, I’m not so sure that I do any more. For me it’s grieving the loss but I was supportive, accepting and compassionate for too long. He made his choices and there are consequences for all our actions. His behaviour, the chaos, the selfishness of his addiction adversely affected my MH and that of my children. I wish him well, I hope for his sake he gets the help he needs but even if he were to stop drinking there is no way back … the damaged is done.

Can I ask if you are the ex spouse of an alcoholic?

What sometimes is overlooked in this situation is the kids. Sometimes they see the non-alcoholic parent as the life boat, but other times they are furious bc the nonalcolic onethe "well one" didnt protect them from the alcoholic. Why is he leaving now and not before? Has he left the kids with her? Did he ignore the problem and let the kids deal with it, and now, after they have left, he has to deal with it himself so he is finally doing something because it affects him? Answers to these questions might give you some insight into how he handles life, and whether you want to deal with him.

You have not been seeing this man for very long and you seem overly invested. And he does not sound as if he should be dating at the moment with everything else going on in his life.

Easy to say from the outside, but until he has moved on (legally and emotionally) from his wife then by the sounds of it you are not going to be his priority.

Being married to an alcoholic is grim and there will be a lot to unpack. And you can’t do that for him. A lot of partners of alcoholics are very co-dependent and that relationship dynamic is easy to slip into with someone new.

Be careful.

Alcohol changes people - their behaviour and selfishness when they are drinking so something family etc can’t change. My mum died from alcoholism - I loved her but I was no contact with her for 10 years before she died - she would say mean and hurtful things - the lies she told were unforgivable. For my own health I had to cut contact with her

peopke Who are alcoholics - are live 2 different people

My exH passed away last week of end stage liver failure so my feelings are a bit raw.
I divorced him in 2022 due to alcoholism after 30 years of marriage. He was always a drinker but he was no longer functioning. My adult dds have no contact with him.

I dont feel ready for a relationship. Im too damaged from the years of trying to hold things together while also parenting alone. Im also still grieving for the man he was 20 years ago and for the life we should have had.