Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Welcome @pasanda. Sorry you have 3 alcoholic children

we all think they will die from their addition Sadly

Penguins - that hit hard 🙁

I’m too ashamed to go to any support things. How did I fuck up so monumentally as a mother to have 3 dc with issues. My eldest two (including dd22 and ds24) have an alcoholic father. Who was sober for 10yrs but now drinks again.

I’ve just tried to talk to dd. She has severe pain on the roof of her mouth. She can’t eat and finds swallowing difficult. I am sure it’s related to her alcohol intake but she just screams at me to leave when I try to talk to her about it.

I think I’ve bumbled along in denial as a form of protecting myself from the awful reality. And it makes me feel so passive and enabling and shit. Why have I let it go on for so long, even though I know she would not want help. It’s only now I am facing the reality of it. Hence posting here.
I am in the thick of it and I just don’t know what to do

@pasanda Please don't beat yourself up. You did not cause it. I know I denied and enabled for a long time, but I so appreciate that the impossibility of it being your child.and as others have said this must be the hardest.
People here talk about the 4th C, don't cover it up. I get the shame but the truth is once you start talking about it so many others have had or have an addict in their lives and they won't blame you. Is there a trusted friend or acquaintance (I found it easier to confide in those who I was less close
to) you could have coffee with and share?

Big hug and keep ranting here.....

@pasanda there is a strong genetic component to being vulnerable to addiction. Your kids' dad is the main factor here. My husband's younger brother is an alcoholic, as we're two of his uncles and his grandfather.

Yes I am sure their grandad is too (dads dad)
That, plus adhd for her, and likely adhd for him, is the perfect storm.
she has always self medicated , with both alcohol and drugs, but I feel like over the last couple of months it has got so much worse. Coming home drunk at 10am, drink driving 😞 , missing her birthday, being so thin - all things that indicate to me how much it is now getting out of hand.

@pointythings ditto. My DH's older sibling has addiction issues and so did their father.

I'm so, so sorry pasanda but there really, truly, isn't anything you can do, nor is any of it your fault.

Stay with us for whatever support we can give, please do get help in the real world because you are going to need to be strong for your children and yourself.

Sorry. It’s the truth

I am in the sad and worrying position that I will be telling my young child they her dad is dead

maybe not for years but he def won’t be living to walk her down the aisle

there is no way that his body can keep putting up with the abuse he gives it with drink

I know I can’t worry as such till it happens but it will happen - no more Rose tinted glasses - and I don’t think she will be an adult either

And @pasanda. You didn’t fuck up - this is not your fault.

remember the 3 c’s

you didn’t cause it

you can’t control it

you can’t cure it /them

they choose to drink.

they choose to not stay sober and say no to booze

go to Al anon and get support

Let me just say that it can be turned around, @pasanda . If your DC engage with treatment for their ADHD, things may fall into place. We have someone in our RL group whose DS was deep in addiction, but he is now medicated, also prescribed medical cannabis, and is at uni and acing a STEM course. Don't give up hope. But also look after yourself.

Thanks. She has tried adhd meds but unfortunately her life is so chaotic, plus she doesn’t eat enough, she really cannot take them right now. She also has no faith in psychiatrists or counsellors or anything to do with being helped. She was diagnosed with ADHD at age 17 but then put on medication for bipolar which completely knocked her out for about 18 months and did little to help. We have paid for the medicalised cannabis but she didn’t follow through with it. She has tried numerous ADHD meds but each one makes her feel incredibly anxious and sick so she doesn’t take them. The only thing that helps her brain is weed, which she smokes every day. But it is the alcohol intake that is slowly killing her.
she got drunk again last night, was picked up by her alcoholic friend, went back to his and clearly drunk more because I have just spoken to her and she is slurring her words. On the positive side, she was on her way to a hairdresser’s appointment whereas in the past she has missed these because she has been so drunk or hung over and wasted £150 because that’s what it costs for her to get her hair highlighted and cut. I dread to think what the hairdresser will make of her 😞

It's rough, but ultimately it's up to her to eat properly, use medical cannabis to mitigate the ADHD meds, engage with support. Unless she decides to do the work, she'll get nowhere.

ADHD meds are difficult beasts, but it's a choice between riding out the side effects or going back to poor coping strategies.

@pasanda

I think the thing is that although it's true that 'where there is life there is hope' and some addicts do manage to turn their lives around, in order for us (the family) to keep our own sanity and get on with our lives we must personally give up that hope. To keep on hoping will 'paralyze' us and eventually destroy us.

It's a struggle I'm living with daily. Knowing that DH could turn things around if he truly wanted to and yet stamping out the hope he will within myself so I can make my own 'new life' on my own.

So you do have the right to 'let go' of hope for your DC. Not that we abandon them completely. We can still encourage and give advice. Just that if we do, we must not and don't truly believe it'll amount to anything.

She is definitely not at a point of wanting help. Just last night she was out with a friend and got drunk, is still drunk now. I have been in contact with her friend today and dd told her last night she enjoys it, is not addicted and does not want to stop.

I just have to learn to live with it

But it is breaking my heart 💔

I just have to learn to live with it

Yes, we really have no other choice. Just don't forget to live your own life and make that life the best you can. You deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy, we just have to do a little more work on ourselves than most to get there.

@Passandait’s so difficult to let go though isn’t it? I joined a SMART recovery meeting last week and there were so many parents of addicted children on there. The meeting was helpful no judgment at all. That was a meeting via zoom there are no Real life meetings near me unfortunately but perhaps there’s some near you if that’s something you’d consider trying?

That’s very true @AcrossthePond55. I had to give up hope that my Ex would ever get on top of his addiction in order to be able to break free of him, save myself and leave him. I still wish he would recover because it’s a shit life and his amazing daughters deserve better. But I made the final break when I really gave up hope. I don’t think he will ever be in any form of sustained recovery, I think alcohol will kill him - either from an accident, or ill health or suicide. I am not paralysed by hope any more (two years was enough). I’m still bloody furious at him mind you, shocked and sad, but I don’t hope and so I am rebuilding my life now.

I agree with giving up hope, actually. The person in my group whose DS turned it around did that. She properly detached and it actually worked for the whole family. Very difficult to do though.

When you say 'I have to live with it' @pasanda does your daughter live with you? Because that is a boundary you can set, should you choose to do so.

I remember the moment I let go of all hope.My heart broke for my kids but it felt freeing in many ways. I knew he'd never live with us again and whatever happened next, it could never be as bad as it had been then.

This really hit me as it's so much what I'm feeling. I wish DH would recover because we had a wonderful life before he derailed it and I'd give almost anything to get that life back.

I don’t think he will ever be in any form of sustained recovery, I think alcohol will kill him - either from an accident, or ill health or suicide

I'm still struggling to truly internalize that. I can 'say it out loud' and accept it 99% of the time. But there are still those moments when it's just an alien concept to me.

Our (adult) sons have accepted it and it has broken my heart to see how 'hard' it has made them against him. Normally they are two of the kindest, most helpful men you could imagine. To see them 'granite faced' when they speak of their own father tears me up inside. Not for him, but that they have to feel those emotions in the first place.

One of the things I hate and resent is that no matter how this ends up, we (the loved ones) are irrevocably changed by 'our' addict's behaviour. And I think this is true whether they recover or die. 'Down the line' things may be good and life may be truly beautiful, but we will never be the same as we were 'before'.

Hi Pasanda and Welcome.
I have a 23yr old suicidal, alcoholic son. A lot of what you have written resonated.
Mine was diagnosed with ADHD and autism at 19 after going to uni at 18 and his life fell apart. There are questions whether he has a borderline personality disorder too. We are currently waiting for a residential detox as an at home one has been deemed totally unsafe.
This point last year we were where you are. He was in denial. His life was a disaster. Trying to finish yr 3 of a degree whilst working almost full time and having a relationship with an equally messed up partner. His drinking was completely out of control. We moved him out into a flat as we couldn’t cope. Sadly he only managed 3 weeks there before going on an absolute rollercoaster of repeated suicide attempts which became more outrageous and drink benders. I was grateful he couldn’t drive so I am so sorry you have that in the mix. Is there a chance that she won’t be able to afford a new car or the insurance (or could you report her?)

We were convinced that he had hit rock bottom so many times in the last 24 months. It seems that he still hasn’t.

We have papered over cracks, fed him, kept him clean, tried to keep him going and pandered to his every request. I regret it all.
My partner and I are broken. Unsure if our relationship will weather it. Our home is repulsive. It stinks and he stinks. He has ruined so many things and so much of our life.
YOU are not to blame. There is definitely a genetic aspect to addiction. It’s in my partners family. ADHD is another massive factor.
My son repeatedly picked pubs, bars and cafes to work in. He absolutely was stealing enormous amounts of alcohol and got away with it. The alcohol cessation place he goes to told him that alcoholics will pick to work where their drug of choice is freely available.

I am so sorry that you are on this path and you have all my sympathy. I have spent the last 15 months trying to maintain my health. Counselling, acupuncture, Pilates and a chiropractor. It’s hardly touching the sides but it’s a focus. Be as selfish as you can be. Decide what you want. You don’t have to live with her. Breathe the air, focus on yourself. Hugs to you.

I agree that life with an addict changes you, but I don't think it's necessarily for the worse. Yes, I am tougher than I used to be - that really helped when my mum died; I was able to balance grieving with all the horrific life admin that comes with a death. It also really helped when my DC had their struggles with mental health. I was able to support without getting panicky or overly emotional, which made it easier for them to accept my advice.

Lastly, I wouldn't be able to support others both here and in RL without my experiences, so silver linings.

Where I’m different

I know dh has no intention to turn things around

he’s had so many chances. So many if hii drink xyz

and made no diff

other alcoholics in recovery so sober - say the have to hit rock bottom before they say enough is enough and stop drinking

where is Rock bottom ? as afaik dh hit that 2yrs ago being kicked out by me and losing everything