Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Just sending support to everyone on this thread.

I’m quietly reading while waiting for DH to get to the end of cutting down in time to start a medication which reduces his cravings.

Afaik he is down to two cans a day and has stuck to it. But the trust has gone so I can’t get too excited about his ‘success’.

My boundary is if he increases his intake or doesn’t reach alcohol net zero. He knows that if he fails this time then he moves out and has agreed to that ultimatum. He has gone to meetings and told his parents which demonstrate a commitment but with no guarantees I guess.

I feel a bit flat about it atm but I have been having counselling to help unlock the anger that is lurking inside. He is very sorry and contrite but it is the years of lying which can’t be erased that get to me.

It’s amazing ehg we can manage to do alone

yes it’s hard single parenting as all comes down to me

but we had a fab holiday abroad last year. And will this year

no eggshells. No wondering if going to kick off and get drunk or go to the shop and drink and make a prat of self or pic an argument and ruin going out for dinner etc

once you reach that limit /boundary they cross it’s really quite simple and refreshing how good life can be on own

I think you said it’s always Xmas. Was that you ?

Yes it probably was me. Christmas is a massive trigger for him. He can be sober January to December on a good year but 2024 was a lot worse. He’d been drinking from about August onwards that year.

I wish you both well.

I think 'flat' was the main thing I felt when the 'crisis' came. It was as if my mind/spirit couldn't take all the emotions I was feeling all at once, so I just didn't feel anything. Just numb. Anger came on its own, later.

At this point do you think it might just be 'safer' to feel flat? He is trying I guess, maybe it's better to just feel nothing until whatever happens, happens.

FWIW they rx'd Naltrexone for my DH, both pill and injections. It didn't do a damned thing. I asked my brother and he said 'any medication only works if you want it to work'. Hopefully, your DH wants it to work.

@hoodiemassive 2 cans a day sounds nothing so surely he can not drink at all

My Ex would claim that he got to step 3, but in reality he didn’t get past step 1. He has never truly surrendered - he’ll say the right things for a week or two (or 6) post rehab stay but it creeps back in every time, especially when it came to child contact requirements

One of my mantras over the last 2 years has been ‘the impossible becomes possible when it is reality’.

In my case it was my dogs. They had been one of my husband’s ’plans’. Unlike other things they could not be abandoned so I did everything for them (despite being a cat person!). They were the main reason I didn’t leave when it would have been much simpler as I didn’t trust him to look after them. When reality hit almost exactly 2 years ago I had to make it possible. It’s not straightforward but it is definitely possible and we are all so much calmer. (and the dog diary is more complicated than mine!)
💐

im glad you’re still managing to travel . You are someone to be admired!!
your husband s “ problem drinking “ started quite late if you were driving cross country in your 50’s?
that’s similar to mine I think, this time last year we were on a cruise with any amount of booze you could want and he was ok. We were out everyday all day in the various stops no drinking .
So the crazy neat gin swigging started some time after that . Although the therapist assures me that this was not out of the blue I just didn’t see it coming. .
think I’ll take a leaf out of all of your books and plan a solo holiday or a trip with friends for later this year when/if things go back to what they were.
i am in my 60s so need to try and make the most of my retirement while im fit enough,
to do so.

In hindsight I think dh was the same

It started around 10ish months ago (March/April of last year) after an injury to his spine. He'd always been 'a drinker' but it never caused a problem because he was always so physically active and always had some project or plan going. Looking back I suppose he was simply too busy to drink to excess. After the injury he was prescribed 'no activity' to allow the fracture to heal and the drinking just spiraled because there was nothing else to do. It happened so quickly that there must have been some sort of addiction even then. As he spiraled he became verbally and emotionally abusive. I left last July, escorted out by the local sheriff, because I just couldn't take it anymore.

Our last cross country trip was in March 2024. We had a 6 week trip planned for May of 2025 but that obviously didn't happen. And we actually should be on our way to Disney World right now, but obviously that was cancelled too. We started RVing in our mid 50s and were still RVing in our late 60s, with plans to continue as long as we possibly could.

I'm not managing to travel now because of the dog. But I have big plans for 'later'! And I'm trying to figure how to incorporate the dog into some shorter travels. I'm not one of those who say 'love me, love my dog' and insist on taking him where he isn't wanted so I won't inflict him on my cat loving BFF. But I'm thinking of perhaps a long weekend/week by the sea this summer if I can find a dog friendly place.

It’s terrible how things can unravel so quickly. And how the actual person is lost inside the addiction.
I’m amazed at how you managed to get away so quickly.
i think though we are perhaps luckier than others on this thread as we have adult children who can temporarily shelter us . It is a partner not a child, and no young children or teenagers to consider.
i say this but I certain not consider myself as lucky and am still very much planning my exit strategy !!

Just stepping in to say hi and send hugs to everyone in this club we didn't ask to join.

TLDR - When he's good he's very, very good but when he's bad he's horrid!

The first thing to say is that I am currently on hold and trying to not rock the boat too much until DD has completed her GCSE's this summer but I am fully expecting to start divorce proceedings after then if I am feeling brave enough or the current status quo changes. He's lovely when sober and at those times a fantastic parent and DD adores him.

A quick history is that DH and I have been together for 36 years since I was 19 (married 27.5) and in that time he has been involuntarily sectioned for cannabis psychosis 3 times - last time I was 5 months pregnant with 15yo DD - alternated between binge drinking and just flat out being drunk for last 16 years - we are currently in a binge drink phase as I don't buy alcohol to have in the house and we live in a rural area with no close shops etc.

He was hospitalised having a fit and in alcoholic hepatitis (2020) and so has not had a driving licence for quite a few years now and due to his generally unpleasant and abusive behaviour whilst drunk at gigs and festivals over the last couple of years been banned from any and all gigs/contact with several of our favourite bands etc.

When I have brought his alcohol consumption and horrible behaviour up I have had the full DARVO response from him and until recently his manipulation of me into believing it was my fault/responsibility has worked.

Despite many lines being crossed (being picked up by the police in a marked car so they could talk to me about whether I thought he was abusive was a particularly humiliating moment I will take to my grave) the final straw was a friendly acquaintance phoning me about 6 months ago to tell me that how he had been talking about me a few days earlier had left her feeling concerned for my physical safety and at that point I realised that to him there is no us, I am just the taxi driver and a mug.

Whist there hasn't been any particular physical abuse there has been SA in the past and the mental, emotional, financial abuse is ongoing. When drunk and in the days afterwards he is filled with anger is very unpredictable so those eggshells are well and truly squished.

Of course, if you were to ask him, he has done nothing wrong and as such he has never shown any remorse, self-awareness or desire to change, he has had counselling recently for depression but I very much doubt he has discussed his alcohol misuse with them so that will have been pointless, he has decided he his autistic (I really don't think he is, just hanging onto an excuse to absolve him of any responsibility for his actions).

I have contacted local services for support for myself and DD and am just hanging on and taking solace in finally knowing I'm not alone.

Hugs

Hello @pawsedforthought you’ll get some very good advice on here. Everyone’s been very kind. Sounds like you’ve been and are still in hell.

Hugs back @pawsedforthought and welcome. You do what you need to do to get where you want to go!

Welcome to what I'm starting to call 'Club Wedontwannabehere' when I think of us. Maybe 'Club W' for short lol

@pawsedforthought if you think about it, it really isn't that long until GCSEs are over. And speaking from experience I know how stressful they are for teenagers. Also taking time to line up those ducks is just smart.

@pawsedforthought wouid your daughter be happier /less stressed knowing you are divorcing her dad

she’s a teen and not stupid and knows what is going on

my 8yr does sadly so a 15 def would

thanks for the welcome, and hugs, it can seem a very lonely place at the bottom of someone elses rabbit hole.

@Penguinsandspanielsi'm keeping a very close eye on missy, she doesn't do well with change and adores DH. As long as he is bingeing whilst away from home i've managed to protect her from the worst, but she is far from stupid.

Her safety, physical and emotional, is the one thing that can move my timeline up and I have got my "get us out now" plans in place just in case.

His BFF is trying to get through to him guided by a counsellor so, because it's not me saying it, he will either take notice and get help or he'll sod off in search of a bottle of spirits.

Lots of love n hugs all round x

@pawsedforthought glad you're not taking responsibility for his awful behaviour anymore. You're getting yourself organised to leave too and those are huge positives. Keep coming here. Despite being a group none of us wanted to join, I think it helps to be here. I found it a huge relief, back then, to know that others were going through, or had been through, the same nightmare.

Hello 👋
please can I join? I’ve been reading for a couple of months but feel that now I could really do with some support.
I am a mum of 4, 3 of whom have alcohol problems 🙁
my main worry is my eldest dd. She is 22 years old today. Her presents are currently sat on the kitchen table, all unopened. She is in bed. I hadn’t seen her since Friday. She has been away (to a rave on fri night) and I know she was out last night. She is sleeping it off. No presents.
There is so so much to tell but it would take all night. I truly think she is going to die from alcoholism 😞
she was diagnosed with adhd at 17yo. Her 17th year was horrendous. She has continued to drink heavily. Last week she drove her car home at 11am and was totally and utterly wasted. She crashed. Luckily on our drive and she wasn’t hurt. nor was anyone else. But her car is a write off. 2nd crash in 2 months. She has admitted she drinks to drown how shit she feels about herself. She said all her life she has been made to feel like shit. By school. By college. By work. By boyfriends. So she drinks. On the nights she drinks she said she drinks half a bottle of Bacardi. And that’s just those nights. She is always out. Always drinking. Works behind a bar. Best friend is a 34yo man, also an alcoholic.
She is so thin. So pale. So under nourished. So sad. So ill. So addicted.
and that’s just one of them 😔

@pasanda hello there. I’m so sorry to hear your story. I have a DS who is addicted to drugs, he hasn’t gone missing (yet) so I can only imagine the fear this instills. I do understand the constant nauseas symptoms of watching them put themselves through so much. Including us who are living a hell on Earth.

Keep posting here, vent whatever you feel helps x

This is just something someone posted on another thread that resonated with me so I thought I'd share it;

You can’t be a lifeboat for someone who keeps jumping out

@pasanda

Welcome to the 'club'. We're here to support, listen, and sympathize. Feel free to vent, shout, rant, and cry. We've all been there, and some of us still are there.

It's so hard to see a loved one on such a self destructive path. But you need to remember that she has to want to stop herself, for herself. You can support her in her choice, but as we've all learnt, we can't force our loved one into sobriety.

I hope you're getting support IRL. You've been dealt a really rough hand in life.

Welcome @pasanda and I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. There is a higher rate of addiction among people with ADHD than the ‘NT’ population. My Ex goes to two support groups (one AA and one local services) that are specifically for neurodivergent people with addiction issues. Is your DD on any meds for hers? Ex abused the stimulant medication so he is not able to.

sending you big hugs. I think having a child with addiction issues must be the hardest of all

Welcome to the group @pawsedforthought. I hope it helps to have a safe place to vent and lots of supportive people who understand. It sounds like you have been through absolute hell and continue to do so.

Do also try Al Anon or SMART friends and family (the latter is usually online) as you definitely need support