Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

You're doing everything right for DD. As she gets older I think she'll set her own boundaries with her father. Children seem to know how to keep themselves 'safe' emotionally when we give them the leeway to do so.

All you need to do is love her and give her stability. And you are aces at that already!!!

That all sounds good. He is lucky to have you. You are drawing your line in the sand. Well done.

I have my fingers crossed that he can get to a better place.

@Hellodarknes55 Thanks for your kind words of support.

@Penguinsandspaniels You don’t need to leave her with him. She is acknowledging that too!

Where is DS now @Isthisit2025? Did he leave happily and maybe this will be the beginning of him

@wouldratgerbeunknown hope dh is doing ok

yes she knows she doesn’t need to stay. Just sad for her

@Penguinsandspaniels
thankyou for checking in .
this is where things are he has been out of rehabilitation one week today only.
he has 17 additional days as a day patient which he has now been in for the second one today. And will go twice more this week
he actually enjoys going there.
he has a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow
he has seemingly committed to the 90 meetings in 90 days recommended by the therapist and has been going to meetings every day ( as far as I know!)
he says he has found a sponsor and is going to meet him at his house tomorrow evening.
he has a lot of assignments to complete from the rehab which he seems to be taking seriously.
he is sleeping well and is eating well.
he denies any cravings!!!!
so it appears OK but I still can’t believe he can turn it around and am still negative and waiting for disaster. I don’t think he has any clue about what he has put us all through. He still seems pretty “vague” in some ways.
So the answer is I do not know
i can see from what you’ve all written here that this seems a pattern and it’s more than like things could unravel very quickly
im definitely not relaxing at all.
he still has big decisions to make about work etc( he’s off sick at the moment and that was a big trigger)
i

@wouldratgerbeunknown wishing you the very best. In these circumstances I would be on edge too, particularly due to his failure to acknowledge the effect his drinking has had on his family: the minimising and vagueness would make me deeply uncomfortable. But on the positive side, he is engaging with the process and the meetings with both his sponsor and the psychiatrist may well be less 'enjoyable' but more valuable in helping gain an understanding of why he drinks to excess and by making him acknowledge the damage his drinking has caused to both himself and his family.

Yes I think he really has no insight at all about the devastation he has caused. Zero apology for anything. When I told him that I did not believe I could continue to live with him if he returns to drinking he just said “oh OK so we’d separate? That’s good to know boundaries. “
Flat as a pancake!
so I think there’s a very long way to go and he is very far from truly committed

@Penguinsandspaniels DS is still at home. I gave him till the end of this month. I can’t deal with it until then. I have got to mentally prepare myself😔

@wouldratgerbeunknown That all sounds quite positive. I hope this time is THE time. It’s the hope. The hope is a killer.

@wouldratgerbeunknown if he is doing the steps, he is going to have to face the damage he has done. His sponsor should work on that when the time is right. That is where he fails or succeeds

@wouldratgerbeunknown none of them know what they put us through

we wish you the best and hope we are all wrong and that dh is one of the success stories

I get that @Isthisit2025. So end of Feb he’s def out? Or if he changes he stays ?

@Penguinsandspaniels If he shows me he is working towards getting better then we can discuss it. I would love to say definitely but it is so hard to do, he would be on the street. He has nowhere to go. Yes I know this is a consequence and if he were violent/aggressive there would be no choice. I guess I’m hoping he will sort the housing situation himself.

@wouldratgerbeunknown

Well, your DH has gotten further than mine ever did! I am crossing fingers, toes, and eyes for you (and him).

All you can do is try to keep any hope to a 'livable' level and keep your guard up for now. I think it's one of the frustrating things about a person newly in recovery; everything is completely out of our control. All we can do is sit back and watch.

I don't know if I could ever get that feeling of trust back, but at this point I don't give much thought to that. Just remember that you don't have to trust him today. Maybe not even tomorrow. You'll know when the time is right to make that decision for yourself.

@wouldratgerbeunknown if he’s just started doing the 12 steps he will reach step five (I think, AA wasn’t for me), where he will have to open up to the hurt, pain and devastation his drinking has caused. It’s without doubt one of the hardest steps to tackle, especially if you’ve behaved dreadfully through drink.

Wishing you all the best.

That might be step 4

dh never got past it

Nor did mine. He never got past the first step. He always thought he could have just one.

Mine was very good at saying sorry, promising that he would make it all right, but then failing. He never engaged with any support group, and as he was a retired clinical psychologist always felt that he knew the answers and no one else could help him. Any attempt I made to talk to him about how it all made me feel was dismissed as unfair, but I had to bend backwards to solve his problems.

I think the thing that made me saddest was the broken promises of what we would do together. So many things booked and planned that didn't happen, in the end it was easier to not plan and so not be disappointed.

Mine isn't a psychologist of any kind, but other than that, this is DH to a 'T'.

He knows the all the answers and doesn't need help. Anything I say is either dismissed as wrong or it's 'not supporting' him. And yes, he expects that my 'job' is to do whatever he wants, including move home, because that is what he 'needs'. And my failure to do so is proof I don't love him and the reason for his 'failures'. Phffft!!! I'm done with that.

The 'lost future' is a common thing with all of us. Whether it was plans for a round the world cruise or a camping trip, we've all been disappointed over and over until we've had to nail those dreams in coffin and bury them deep.

About the lost future and making plans, I only ever book trips and holidays away for us as a family now that I would happily do on my own with the teen DC’s. That way, if DH starts drinking again I am not fretting about whether he’ll be OK in time for the holiday. We’ve done 2 without him, one of which was our big 2 week holiday abroad in the summer.

Mine is currently sober after a blip over Xmas. He’s not engaging with any groups or counselling though. He’s not a big talker and that’s putting it mildly. Over the years he’s had a ton of counselling and been on a few programmes. He definitely thinks he can do it on his own but I’m not convinced.

And if he blips again @Anjelika then what ?

I started thinking about what a future without my husband might look like the summer I gave him the ultimatum (2017). Then he gave us the experience of what it might be like when he bailed on our summer holiday because I wouldn't drive to the nearest shop to buy more booze after he had had 2 bottles of spirits in 2 days.

The DC and I had 12 days of peace, fun, sunshine, freedom without him. It gave me so much hope that even if he failed at rehab, we would be OK. And we have been. You end up building a new future on the ruins of the old one.

It all depends on how big a blip it is. A once a year blip lasting a week at the most and holding down a job is one thing. Months on end of it with various trips to hospital and losing his job is quite another.

We all have different boundaries, I suppose. For me a partner who could not be relied on to participate in family life and family holidays because of drinking was on the far side of that line.

DH and I retired in our 50s. We then started RVing and myGod did we have wonderful times!!! Each of those trips lives in my memory like dreams come true. We even RV'd cross country 4 times to go to Disney in Florida (yes, I'm one of 'those adults'). RVing is not something I could ever do on my own, I don't have the physical strength at this point. So, those trips are as dead as the dodo. But I have my memories and I refuse to allow them to be 'tainted' by the reason I can no longer do them.

We've always also done 'our own thing' once the DSs were grown. He did trips to pursue his sport, I went to Disney (CA) yearly with my 'Disney BFF' and went to visit my cousin/BFF every year. I plan to keep those trips going. And my brother and I are tentatively planning a trip to the UK in about 3 years. He's been, I never have. He wants to show me the place in Cornwall where our paternal grandparents (and many generations before them) lived.

At this point my 'hold up' is the dog. He's 13 and has never been boarded. I simply can't do that to him at his age plus he's had enough upheaval with the shit that's gone on. So travels will have to wait until 'in the fullness of time' he's no longer with me. It's one of the things I'm most furious with DH about. It was actually mostly DH's dog as the dog 'tagged' DH as 'his person' pretty much right away. But DH isn't capable of caring for him due to his drinking.