Support thread for anyone trying to lead an Alcohol free life - Winter 25

[Lavrander]

Hello and welcome!
This thread is for anyone who is trying to live an alcohol-free life. It was first set up by @drybird and has grown into a safe, supportive space to share thoughts, ask advice, swap experiences, or simply check in as we give up and keep off the booze.

There’s no judgment here – just encouragement. Whether you post every day, once in a while, or just read along quietly, you’re part of the group. Many of us have found this thread invaluable, whether brand new to abstaining or years into AF life.

Wherever you are on the journey, someone here will have been there too. Don’t be shy about posting – we love celebrating successes of all shapes and sizes, and we’ll support you through the tougher times as well.

The only thing we ask is that your aim is complete abstinence. If your goal is moderation or a break, there are a couple of really good threads on this board that will be a better fit. That doesn't mean that slips don't happen, and we'll support you in picking yourself back up and carrying on.

Living alcohol-free isn’t always easy in today’s world, but it is absolutely worth it. And you don’t have to do it alone – we’re here to help each other realise just how good AF life can be.

@REP22 gorgeous dog!

I dare say Sid has a look of 007 if he were a dog of course. Or maybe the dog version of Sam Huegan from Outlander.

I’m rewatching The Night Manager season 1 before I start season 2.

Another dry night Shipmates

Lots of wonderful milestones being achieved here! Yay to everyone. It’s all very inspiring to see. Had a tricky meeting today and sailed through it with relative enthusiasm instead of feeling either consumed with rage or despair! It was a tough room but I pushed back on some of the asks and it all seemed to go smoothly. A colleague (who has only known me for 2 months or they would absolutely not have this view!) said “I just really enjoy being in a meeting with you. You bring great energy and push back but do it with grace so people really listen”.
Im glad they haven’t known me on one of my drinking the night before the big meeting meetings!
@WendyWagon do tell more about this jumper enthusiasm. I have images of all sorts of stylishly draped knits. I love a nice jumper and have far too many!

Thanks for all the good wishes. I does feel good. I remember reading about others being further down the line and it was a great motivator.

@WendyWagon well done on your 4 years. I hope you are keeping better these days. I did read about you having to sack your carer so I do hope you’ve got someone more reliable now.

I reread my post from this morning and I see that I wrote that I wasn’t an alcoholic. I suppose I actually was [Hope I didn’t “boil your piss” @REP22 !]. I associate alcoholism with people getting up in the morning and reaching for the whisky; of being a total letdown to themselves as well as others etc etc etc. I was drinking a bottle of wine 5 nights a week, 1.5 at weekends along with g&ts, maybe a port or two, or a sherry. I’d sink 2 pints in the pub if ever I got a chance. If my DH was away, I would easily sink two bottles of wine to myself. Or I’d get a 750ml Leffe and follow that with wine. If I wasn’t quite done with that, I had lots of spirits and liqueurs in the cupboard that were gifts etc or for cooking - stuff the DH didn’t pay attention to. To hide what I had been up to, I put water in the ouzo bottle, fino sherry, Cointreau etc and tea in the golden rum. I once woke up on the floor of my bathroom which had no window and was pitch black. I only knew where I was because I hit my head off the sink trying to get up. My children were sleeping in their beds. This is the kind of thing that scared me. A LOT. But I kept going until it was really upsetting me that I wasn’t in control. I am a control freak.

Obviously, I carry some denial still! I should recall some of the quit lit/blogs and remember that alcoholism has many stages and I was definitely locked into the mid stage one for a few years. at least it is behind me now and I am paranoid enough of being back there again that I won’t touch it. I can’t moderate is my mantra (not that I ever could).

Not telling people about it has meant that the usual bottles as gifts have been multiplying on the shelf over Xmas . I asked my husband to move them as I wasn’t liking looking at it all the time.

It's good to hear from fellow cheesecake lovers. I'm happy to be an enabler in that regard 😂

@Carpetburn what you say about being better able to handle work after a spell of sobriety is very encouraging. And those comments to you from your colleague are lovely! I tackled some work today for the first time in awhile (nothing too strenuous, just a lot of email) and it actually felt good to be getting back to a bit of routine. That said, my students aren't back yet, so that's contributing to my feeling of zen, ha. I'm really hoping to get through the coming term without drinking. A day at a time.

Huge congratulations @WendyWagon on your four years!

@TheMentalMentalLoad I like what you said about how we should spoil ourselves. I actually spent a fair bit of money on myself over Christmas, but I don't regret it - I got a few things I'd been wanting for awhile, such as a new purse (mine was falling apart), a new set of Egyptian cotton bedsheets, and a decent pair of running leggings (these have yet to be tested I fear as it's not exactly jogging weather).

Sympathy about the pre-teen DC. This is a tough time of year given that kids have been off school and (in my experience) are thoroughly bored/fed up by now. My teenage DS goes back to school tomorrow, and although teenagers fend for themselves much more than pre-teens do, I'm still looking forward to his departure 😳

@FiloPasty what you say about the self-centredness of teens is so true. DS1 is 20 now and is very slowly turning into a less self-centred person (I think). Being at uni has been good for him in that he's much more appreciative of having his food cooked and his washing done when he comes home for the holidays. He still flies off the handle with me at the drop of a hat though. As you say I've learned not to take it too personally. My sense is that a lot of his less-than-ideal behaviour is down to the fact that he's still trying to get comfortable in his own skin.

I also think you handled the hairbrush/telly debacle well. The intention of the perpetrator does matter!

@EastCoastDamsel it's good to hear from you and I'm sorry things are tough. I hope work is bearable. You are an inspiration with your 19 months.

And congratulations on your year @SmellyMe ! Personally I don't think it matters very much whether we call ourselves alcoholics or not. That term has a lot of negative associations and baggage. The real question is whether our drinking is having a negative effect on our lives in some way. That said I definitely fit the 'alcoholic' category by pretty much any definition of the term (drinking during the day, drinking in order to try to cope with stress, drinking secretly, not being able to stop drinking, etc etc). Your mantra of 'I can't moderate' is mine as well.

@Gribouille I'm so sorry for the loss of your cat. I'm glad she didn't suffer and you were with her at the end 💐

Sending warm thoughts to everyone who is going back to work and everyone who is feeling poorly!

I honestly don't think that labels help much. 'Alcoholic' means different things to different people anyway. To me, it is someone addicted to alcohol, and none of us are, or we wouldn't be at whatever stage of sobriety we've reached.

I was certainly drinking harmfully, or whatever the term the medics use now might be. I was also a regular drinker - I really didn't think I could sleep without a bottle or more inside me, so I never went to bed sober. When I had to give it up, I did though. It was so much easier than I expected, and I did eight years or so without a drink. Yes, I lay awake every night for a long time, but I got through it, and after a while I was sleeping well. My appetite came back and I was enjoying life until I let myself believe my liver damage wasn't as bad as they'd thought, and I would 'just have a drink or two now and then', and it crept back up. Not to the every night stage, but when I drank I didn't stop at one or two, and now we are where we are. I have made things worse than they were the first time. Maybe because I'm eight years older, or maybe because the damage was there and drinking made it get worse faster. Who knows, but I'm very scared and knowing it's my own fault doesn't make things easier. So I've stopped again, and feel as settled about that choice as I did the first time - it's day 57 or something today.

Does that mean I am an alcoholic? Does it matter? I don't think it does.

I don't discuss any of it with others other than on here. I CBA with the 'how much did you drink?' questions, so that people can compare themselves with me and hope for reassurance. Or the sympathy. Or the judgement. On here it's different, as we are all in the same boat, whether we see ourselves as one thing or another. And anyway we are anonymous, so it doesn't count, and you are all lovely, so it's easy to talk to you, and I don't mind anyway - if anything I've been through can help others not to go through it, it's all to the good.

When I first stopped I told people I was doing it for health reasons. I don't know or care if they believed me, and now they are just used to it. When I started having an odd drink, it was with newer friends, and I am going to have to come up with something to say to them when I'm staying on soft drinks. I doubt anyone will care though - people don't, unless they have a problem themselves. I'm out on Wednesday, and again the following week with people who have only known me as someone who drinks (not excessively, but wine with food and one for the road level). I had a Christmas meal with the Wednesday lot, and wasn't drinking then, so that will be easier, I think. One of the group is doing Dry January too, so only two of the four of us will be drinking. The following week will involve driving, so not everyone there will be drinking either.

I think that drinkers build up not drinking far more than non-drinkers do. On the whole, when someone says no to a drink there is an 'Oh. Are you sure?' moment, and then it's just 'and a soda for you Ellen?' when the next round is due.

Things didn’t go too well for me over Christmas, so starting again now. Just reconnecting with the thread. I’ve set up TryDry for 30 days and hope to at least succeed at that.

Shout out to @Becky3825- you absolute legend. Still here and still going strong 💪🏼

Also - any Traitors fans out there? You might be interested to read this…very inspiring ❤️
https://www.theguardian.com/society/article/2024/may/19/i-was-49-when-i-had-my-last-drink-harriet-tyce

Very insightful post @ShyMaryEllen . I got used to the term 'alcoholic' at AA meetings, and I don't mind it in that context, because I see it as an indicator of shared vulnerability and solidarity (in AA meetings at least). However, I find it unhelpful when people use it in too prescriptive a fashion (in AA it's often coupled with the old-fashioned word 'disease', which is a term I don't find personally helpful at all when applied to alcohol use). In other words, what I consider counterproductive isn't so much the word 'alcoholic' itself, but generalising, dogmatic statements along the lines of 'All alcoholics do X / are X / must do X in order to recover'. There are many different paths to recovery and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. That said, I do think that contact with other people who 'get it', and their support, are invaluable.

Welcome back @WhatMaggieDid ! I'm also making a new start in the new year and am on day 4...

Great article thanks @WhatMaggieDid - the line that really stands out to me is - there are only so many black outs a middle aged mum should have. That was one of my biggest issues and they were getting more and more frequent. So happy i will never again have another one

That’s a great article, I knew I liked Harriet :)
I really resonate with wanting my health to try and steer clear of sniper alley.

Morning all.
I'm off to the quack early so ive already had tea.
Personally I use the alcoholic term at home but not with friends. Other than the BFF they don't understand. Often my 60+ girlfriends have DH that drink daily.
I now tend to say i use to drink too much but they minimise it as that age group do. We were all big 1980s party goers.
For me the 'hair shirt' was getting a bit rough on me. I'll never forget what I put my family through or the risks I took but after two years sober it was time to move on.
I'm a lot more powerful now and I'm quite happy in my own skin.

@Carpetburn i bought a raspberry jumper from House of Bruar and a sn#t green fitted jumper from lands end.
When i was bigger i use to look like the Honey Monster!
I cant do the draped 'Lagon Look' as i have huge boobs. Ditto anythihg flappy in the summer.

Morning all.
Thanks for the article @WhatMaggieDid - I picked up on Harriet saying “I don’t drink” in the last episode.

Good luck with the doctor today @WendyWagon

Back to work today- hoping to get back into the rhythm after a lot of disruption last year. We’ll see!

Oh thanks @WhatMaggieDid I was just wondering how anyone not drinking would cope in the castle! I was excited to see Harriet Tyce in there. Read one of her books years ago.
Had a slightly stressful evening planning the details of a weekend away soon with some old school friends. Worrying they’ll think I’m a party pooper and be disappointed in me. And I just know that if we go out for dinner I’m going to want to go straight back to the hotel after we’ve eaten rather than watch them lingering over their wine etc.
But hey ho, feeling better about it now. Going to find some fun activities during the day, or maybe even suggest a spa day. And then they’ll just have to deal with me bailing for my bed early.

Checking in. Good luck at the Doctor @WendyWagon.

@eekwhatnow it’s difficult having to hang about after a meal with people who are drinking, isn’t it? I try and eek my drink out as long as possible when I’m in company, as like you, I normally cannot wait until it’s time to leave.

Work is a good distraction at this time of year, as I am normally really busy in January, my DP knows that we can’t really make many plans as I tend to work 60+ hours for the first few weeks of the year. I used to dread Jan when I was deep in the throes of alcohol, but I was actually looking forward to getting back into a routine this year.

Hope everyone is doing well, and staying sober.

It is tricky @eekwhatnow. My main strategy (apart from making sure I have a really big dessert - it’s amazing how much room you have for pudding if you don’t fill up on wine) is to have a plan for early the following morning - a walk, swim or run. Then your not drinking feels purposeful (and you get a side order of smug in the morning!)

@eekwhatnoware you sure there won’t be a person or 2 doing Dry January? You might be pleasantly surprised! Hopefully there’s some AF alternatives so you can stay for a bit and then make your excuses. Just think how smug you’ll feel the next morning fresh as a daisy ready for a walk compared to the rest of them!

Good morning shipmates. Grey, leaden skies here at the moment - HUGE flakes just started coming down. Fortunately just after I've got in from walking Sid and taking M to see a pharmacist (she's gut the lurgy).

Fear not, @SmellyMe - no piss has been boiled. 😉 This is a thread of strong, brave people, and you are certainly among the best.

Good luck at the docs @WendyWagon - hope all goes well.

I have just started watching The Traitors this series - I've held back from it, as Winklefringe annoys me a bit but it is very gripping. It's the same game (minus the challenges) that I used to love playing with a group of friends a few years ago, it was called Mafia. Everyone sat in a circle and there was a 'controller' (Tom, it was his house) who handed everyone a playing card, which they had to keep to themselves. Two got a Queen/King/Jack and that marked them as "Mafia", two got an Ace which marked them as "a detective" and the rest got an ordinary card which marked them as "a villager". We'd all close our eyes and Tom would invite the Mafia to open their eyes and silently identify a person to "kill". They'd then close their eyes and Tom would get the detectives to open their eyes and point to a person they wanted to know the identity of and Tom would say whether that person was Mafia or villager. The game then progressed as Traitors does, with identifying 'suspects', Mafia picking off the others unless identified and "executed" themselves, and voting to "kill" a 'suspect' each round. It was brilliant. We used to play for Iced Gems. There was rarely drinking going on (apart from occasional beers) - it was such good fun and people enjoyed it so much that drunkenness ruined it, some people got quite invested in it and anyone getting too bladdered was swiftly picked off by Mafia or voted off in the accusations so as not to spoil it for everyone else. I miss those parties.

Stay safe in the weather. Strength and courage, faithful friends. xx

@REP22 I play that game! Or a very similar game anyway. I have a group of friends who we play it with a few times a year. And last year when I was experimenting with dry months I had a few friends I owed supper to round for brunch and a game of it. It was a really good way to socialise without alcohol being involved. Hoping to start it up again this year although some people really hate games so need to choose my guests carefully!

Congratulations @SmellyMe! One whole year - that’s brilliant. A hard-won milestone. For me, I think it was a goal that felt unattainable in previous attempts, and was ‘the big one’. To the extent that in the couple of weeks leading up to it I started downplaying it, as I was scared that I’d reach my goal and on day 366 pick up a drink to “celebrate”... I did lots of muttering about it just being another day; any sobriety is just one day at a time, etc etc. But it remains a huge achievement, and if I get to two years I don’t think it will be as special somehow. My next milestone, in AA terms at least, is 18 months - which will be on a day that doesn’t actually exist as it will be on 29th February. That’ll stop any smugness on my part 😂

Anyway, well done everyone for whatever day we are on - everyone is a winner

I braved the snow to go for coffee and to the bank - well, to the PO, which is doubling up these days - so my Christmas/birthday money is now safely ensconced in my account, and I can't fritter it away as easily as if it were burning a hole in my purse. I'm not sure what to buy, but don't want to spend it for the sake of spending - I'll know the right thing when I see it.

Going out feels like a major achievement 😀. It was good to chat to people and feel part of things again - the holidays seemed to last a long time this year. I do wish the council would grit more pavements though. They do the roads, but people don't walk on those.

I'm a big Traitors fan. The party game you describe sounds fun, @REP22. I played a detective game with friends before Christmas. You buy an evidence pack and solve a murder, but to see if you're right you need to work out a password to check online, and that was all but impossible. After about 45 minutes we were losing the will to live, as we had our suspect bang to rights, but couldn't charge him without the password. Eventually I asked ChatGPT, who got all haughty about giving away passwords, but in the end a straightforward Google search came up with the goods. Sadly, left to us there would have been a grave miscarriage of justice, but it turned out that our reserve suspect was the wrong 'un, so we didn't do too badly. It was a fun evening though.

Glad you got there in the end @ShyMaryEllen - that sort of thing would drive me nuts. Actual murders may have ensued. Failing ChatGPT, AI and elusive passwords (or long-defunct websites), I am always happy to resort to the true Sport of Champions... Mornington Crescent. 😀x

Tuesday afternoon rules?