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I now have a house, but he wants me to stay

107 replies

DaisyDreams4 · 16/11/2025 08:06

Long story short..
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we live together. He's an alcoholic and a cocaine user. Told me several times he would change, but never did.

He's at the pub from 4-9pm average 4-5 days a week. And will more cans after at home, and pop back to the pub for takeaway pints if he hasn't had his fix. He'll use cocaine roughly once or twice a week.

For the past year we've slept separately, done separate things, and he has constantly told me to leave and that he doesn't love or want me. But then once in a while would bring me back, change for a few days, and sleep in my bed.

The perfect house has now come up, and I've been accepted for it. It's literally less than a mile down the road. I've told him this doesn't have to be the end but I need to see him change.

Now reality has kicked in for him and he's telling me to stay, he's going to change, it's the kick up the butt he needed, he does love me, and doesn't want me to go.

I'm trying to fight my feelings, and still continue with the move. But he's now making it hard for me 😔 I just can't see him changing, or if he does he will fall back into old habits. And if I don't take this house, where does that then leave me if he goes back to it?! Back living in my bedroom being unhappy and unloved and crying every night.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
onceuponatimeinneverland · 16/11/2025 08:08

You need to go.

SucksToBeYou · 16/11/2025 08:08

If you stay, you are showing him that you can be persuaded with nice words, and he can continue to act as he pleases. Make the move. You need to put yourself first now.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 16/11/2025 08:08

Stop wasting your life with this loser. It's the only advice you need. He won't change for you.

whatohwhattodo · 16/11/2025 08:09

Leave. He can only make the change for him. If he is serious and kicks it in a couple of years you can reassess. But he won’t.

Dolamroth · 16/11/2025 08:12

Leave and live your life.

ursuslemonade · 16/11/2025 08:15

You know what you need to do.

2chocolateoranges · 16/11/2025 08:15

You need to move to this new house, yourself.

soeaking from experience alcoholics rarely change, they just get more devious, manipulative and vile towards anyone close to them.

do yourself a favour and just end the relationship..

Dogmum1983 · 16/11/2025 08:15

100% leave !!!! And not one person on here or in real life will tell you anything different !

My partner died because of drink and coke , they never change , it’s too hard for them .

You will never get this opportunity again .

ClaredeBear · 16/11/2025 08:16

I’m willing to bet it wasn’t easy to find the house, so please don’t do this to yourself. Take your house and breathe a sigh of relief.

Dozer · 16/11/2025 08:16

Move out and cut contact with him.

At this point he’s not making it hard for you, you are. After a long, long time making poor choices as regards this man you’ve made better choices for yourself.

Even if he succeeds in getting sober (which he should do by and for himself) he’s unlikely to be in a position to be good in a relationship for a long time.

Linenpickle · 16/11/2025 08:17

Leave. Go to the new house alone. Cut off the loser and don’t engage. WTF do you want to be with and get dragged down by a druggie/alcholohic? Regain dignity and life. Go.

scoobs321 · 16/11/2025 08:17

The time for change has long past, you need to go and live your life. He can still make his changes without you there but I'm betting he doesn't. You are in a hopeless cycle and you need to step out of it. Well done for seeing this and taking the steps. Good luck!

Dozer · 16/11/2025 08:18

Also suggest seeking therapy, you’ve put up with awful treatment.

AnotherDayanotherNameChangeX · 16/11/2025 08:18

GO and don’t look back

RessicaJabbit · 16/11/2025 08:19

Leave and stay away from this utter waste of your life.

Terrribletwos · 16/11/2025 08:19

@DaisyDreams4 you must leave, this opportunity will probably not arise again. Grab it with both hands and in the meantime if your partner wants to prove he can change he can do it whilst you live elsewhere in your new home.

I don't think you should place much hope in him changing and anyway it's very unfair of him to hold you with this promise to change. If he is a halfway decent guy he would be understanding of your need to move out.

Dogmum1983 · 16/11/2025 08:21

Also , IF , he’s serious about giving up then this will be the chance he needs to show you , once you’re away from him so he can see how serious you are .

HE needs to do it for HIM , not to keep YOU otherwise he will never stick at it no matter how much you stay for him . He needs to phone the doctors or self refer himself to a place and he needs to get on this journey. I rang the place for my ex and he never went coz he never wanted to actually do it for himself .

Actions is what you need and youl never get those whilst you’re there as his anchor . You’re drowning yourself whilst trying to save him .

Autumnleafdrop · 16/11/2025 08:22

You have the chance of a new and better life. Don’t waste it.

TransAdmiralsAreAdmirals · 16/11/2025 08:22

Addiction is another ball-game. Whereas a generally meh boyfriend might come around, or a mediocre relationship might be salvageable, a partner with active addiction will not be able to make the changes you need to see in order to be safe, happy and fulfilled without doing some very serious, relentless and radical work on themselves. Only they can do it. You can't really help, or reasonably be relied on to help.

You must take the house or forever look back with deep regret. The scenario you describe (crying in you room) is true and it will feel terrible. The universe has given you some grace, a way out. Please thank your lucky stars and grab the house, and the opportunity for new beginnings it represents with both hands. This is your time.

TFImBackIn · 16/11/2025 08:23

He's made a quick calculation of what your moving out will cost him and has panicked.

You have this opportunity now and you'd be a fool not to grab it.

DaisyDreams4 · 16/11/2025 08:23

Thank you for all your very quick responses. I'm sat here receiving messages from him asking me to stay and I just needed strangers support right now, so thank you.

The house is a beautiful new build I've had my eye on the whole time they've been building them. Have looked for others in the meantime but nothing came or, or they went very quickly. Didn't expect to get this one at all, but I did, and I get the keys tomorrow. I know I can't risk losing this house.

I need to be my strong girl pants on, and ignore his words.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 16/11/2025 08:28

What he is saying is just words. It is easy to say he is going to change. Doing it is something completely different, and he has given you no reason to believe that he is actually going to do anything. If you give up this house to stay with him, nothing will change. Things will continue exactly as they are now because neither of you are making any changes. If you move, then you can live a better life for yourself. Who knows, maybe you leaving will be the change he needs to decide to get help for himself? Maybe at a point in the future when he is sober and you have flourished in your new home, you two will find a connection again? If it helps you to stay firm, maybe try to think of that? You are doing this for the future.

Dozer · 16/11/2025 08:30

Change your decision about this not being the end for your relationship - it needs to be if you want a good life

pawsatively · 16/11/2025 08:30

This man will not change! Please do not stay, you have a home and new life ahead of you.

Toddlerteaplease · 16/11/2025 08:31

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 16/11/2025 08:08

Stop wasting your life with this loser. It's the only advice you need. He won't change for you.

This. Go and never look back. You’ll realise what a millstone he has been.