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I now have a house, but he wants me to stay

107 replies

DaisyDreams4 · 16/11/2025 08:06

Long story short..
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we live together. He's an alcoholic and a cocaine user. Told me several times he would change, but never did.

He's at the pub from 4-9pm average 4-5 days a week. And will more cans after at home, and pop back to the pub for takeaway pints if he hasn't had his fix. He'll use cocaine roughly once or twice a week.

For the past year we've slept separately, done separate things, and he has constantly told me to leave and that he doesn't love or want me. But then once in a while would bring me back, change for a few days, and sleep in my bed.

The perfect house has now come up, and I've been accepted for it. It's literally less than a mile down the road. I've told him this doesn't have to be the end but I need to see him change.

Now reality has kicked in for him and he's telling me to stay, he's going to change, it's the kick up the butt he needed, he does love me, and doesn't want me to go.

I'm trying to fight my feelings, and still continue with the move. But he's now making it hard for me 😔 I just can't see him changing, or if he does he will fall back into old habits. And if I don't take this house, where does that then leave me if he goes back to it?! Back living in my bedroom being unhappy and unloved and crying every night.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Pleasealexa · 16/11/2025 08:36

You need to leave. He won't change because you are leaving. If he wanted to change he would have done so before. An alcoholic will often want a partner to stay because it makes them think they are doing ok. However you are just wasting your life staying with him.

How old is he? That level of drinking will end up with health issues, are you really prepared to be his carer. Also I hope he isn't driving after that amount of alcohol

AlertCat · 16/11/2025 08:37

If he wanted to change he would. At the least he would ask for your help to change. He doesn’t want to, but he wants you there to fulfil whatever role it is (housemaid? Sex?) that makes his life more convenient.

I hope you love the new house and really enjoy making it your own. It’s lovely having your own home- express yourself, be safe, please yourself. Can’t beat it.

No waiting for him to disappoint you or hurt you or annoy you. Just you and your space.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 16/11/2025 08:38

Another saying leave. If you stay he’s not going to change. If you leave he might.

AltitudeCheck · 16/11/2025 08:38

Words are cheap... He's had 4 years to change, 4 years to show you that the relationship is more important than alcohol/ drugs and he hasn't done anything meaningful about his addiction in all that time. That tells you everything you need to know, get your house and start to detach yourself from him or he'll continue to waste your life in the same way he's wasting his own.

supersop60 · 16/11/2025 08:41

Leave.
Don’t let this be your story.

HoppityBun · 16/11/2025 08:44

The past is the best predictor of the future. Do what you know is best for you. No one else will look out for you and your boyfriend is certainly not putting your welfare first.

Get out OP. Please.

Contrarymary30 · 16/11/2025 08:48

DaisyDreams4 · 16/11/2025 08:06

Long story short..
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we live together. He's an alcoholic and a cocaine user. Told me several times he would change, but never did.

He's at the pub from 4-9pm average 4-5 days a week. And will more cans after at home, and pop back to the pub for takeaway pints if he hasn't had his fix. He'll use cocaine roughly once or twice a week.

For the past year we've slept separately, done separate things, and he has constantly told me to leave and that he doesn't love or want me. But then once in a while would bring me back, change for a few days, and sleep in my bed.

The perfect house has now come up, and I've been accepted for it. It's literally less than a mile down the road. I've told him this doesn't have to be the end but I need to see him change.

Now reality has kicked in for him and he's telling me to stay, he's going to change, it's the kick up the butt he needed, he does love me, and doesn't want me to go.

I'm trying to fight my feelings, and still continue with the move. But he's now making it hard for me 😔 I just can't see him changing, or if he does he will fall back into old habits. And if I don't take this house, where does that then leave me if he goes back to it?! Back living in my bedroom being unhappy and unloved and crying every night.

Any advice please?

He can't and won't change . You will end up being his carer . He needs to look for residential support if any still exists . You can still support him from a mile away if it makes you feel less guilty .

Maiyakat · 16/11/2025 08:49

Congratulations on your new house. Do not give him a key.

AxolotlEars · 16/11/2025 08:49

I'm sorry to say, he loves his addiction more than you. That's how it goes with addiction. He loves it more that he loves himself. If you stay you'll also be 'loving' him more than yourself. He's only asking you to stay because he's afraid. I'm sorry

orangewasp · 16/11/2025 08:50

Leave and cut all contact. I guarantee you he won't change, you are literally wasting your one precious life with him.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 16/11/2025 08:51

Leave. Your new house can be sanctuary. Do not let him move in nor give him a key. Be strong.

crumacrocs · 16/11/2025 08:52

Leave now for certain! You deserve so much better than this.
my dad is an alcoholic and my mum never left him. Years and years of promises to change, and relapsing. They are now in their 70’s, married 50 years, and he is literally drinking morning to night since he retired. Do you want that to be your future. Get out now and best of luck x

WearyLady · 16/11/2025 08:55

Leave. Regardless of whether you get the new house or not. Just leave.

Choconuts · 16/11/2025 08:55

Please leave he will not change unless he wants to. You’re only a mile away if he wants to make the changes he can and still see you just not live together (I do think it’s very unlikely he’ll change from growing up with an alcoholic)

BlueOceanFish · 16/11/2025 08:56

Can you think of something nice to buy for your new home - doesn’t have to be massive, a new candle. This way you start to mentally look after yourself and put your needs first. You also start to ‘own’ the new place.

Do not miss up on your chance to take this property you will regret it

BlueOceanFish · 16/11/2025 08:57

Keep posting here, let us know your doubts and worries MN can keep you focused!

breezyyy · 16/11/2025 08:58

You’d be crazy to give up this chance of independence.

NearlyDec · 16/11/2025 08:58

He is saying he is going to change because he doesn’t want his life to change. He is only saying and not doing something here. A big issue is he doesn’t want his life to be different, that will include the alcohol and drugs. Move out.

Mischance · 16/11/2025 09:00

The house sounds really lovely. I am in a new build and it is brilliant - well-insulated for both sound and heat, efficient heating system.
How wonderful that you have this opportunity for a new start - get those keys out, let yourself in and start a new chapter in your life!

Ratafia · 16/11/2025 09:07

He's saying what he thinks will be enough to get you to change your mind. Once you've lost the house and no longer have an escape route, he will carry right on with what he was doing before. If he really meant that he was going to change, he would have joined AA.

CrotchetyQuaver · 16/11/2025 09:08

Leave and please please please don't look back. You are completely wasting your life with a loser like this.
he's realised if you leave then he'll have less money for his drink/cocaine and that's what this is all about. Just wheedling you into staying by saying the right things so his life can carry on just the same, including having you there to insult and abuse on a daily basis. What a user he is. Take control of your life and move into your new house where you're in control of your tenancy, not him .

AprilinPortugal · 16/11/2025 09:10

Linenpickle · 16/11/2025 08:17

Leave. Go to the new house alone. Cut off the loser and don’t engage. WTF do you want to be with and get dragged down by a druggie/alcholohic? Regain dignity and life. Go.

Agree totally but I guess OP is trauma bonded to this loser which is why she's finding it difficult. I hope to God she sees the light and goes and makes a good life for herself

ThatGreenFawn · 16/11/2025 09:11

Leave. He is only saying all of the right things as he has just realised his live in maid will be leaving and he'll have to look after himself.
If you stay, nothing will change.

SliceofTosst · 16/11/2025 09:12

Some people in a position with alcoholics can't leave because of financial reasons or ties with children.

Go. When you're in your new place, you will restart in a new happy environment without daily reminders of his addiction.

Be free and enjoy the position you have made yourself. Leave him with his choice.

We are all rooting for you.

Anonymous07200408 · 16/11/2025 09:12

He’s seeing the prospect of losing his enabler. He is a parasite - his words are empty and meaningless. Go and make a good life.