I now have a house, but he wants me to stay

[DaisyDreams4]

Long story short..
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we live together. He's an alcoholic and a cocaine user. Told me several times he would change, but never did.

He's at the pub from 4-9pm average 4-5 days a week. And will more cans after at home, and pop back to the pub for takeaway pints if he hasn't had his fix. He'll use cocaine roughly once or twice a week.

For the past year we've slept separately, done separate things, and he has constantly told me to leave and that he doesn't love or want me. But then once in a while would bring me back, change for a few days, and sleep in my bed.

The perfect house has now come up, and I've been accepted for it. It's literally less than a mile down the road. I've told him this doesn't have to be the end but I need to see him change.

Now reality has kicked in for him and he's telling me to stay, he's going to change, it's the kick up the butt he needed, he does love me, and doesn't want me to go.

I'm trying to fight my feelings, and still continue with the move. But he's now making it hard for me 😔 I just can't see him changing, or if he does he will fall back into old habits. And if I don't take this house, where does that then leave me if he goes back to it?! Back living in my bedroom being unhappy and unloved and crying every night.

Any advice please?

Of course you take the house. Locate your dignity and self-respect which have temporarily been lost and move onwards and upwards. This man does nothing for you and is ruining your life. Stop letting him!

It's not far away. If he wants to change he will, and you won't be on the other side of the world.

But he wont. He will blame you leaving for him not being able to stop, when the reality is the opposite. Do not give him your address. Give yourself a chance to feel free of him - I think you will like it.

Take the house! You would be crazy not to. He’s thinking of himself.

Read your words back to yourself but imagine it was a friend saying this to you. Of course you’d tell them to run and never come back. Don’t waste your life on a total loser.

My friend stayed for 10 years. First child then born and she realised she couldn’t put her thru that, she walked out when child was 3 months old. He promised he would change, get help, nearly killed himself because he was so drunk. It’s all her fault he can’t give up because she left, nearly 2 years later, he has done nothing and still drinks morning till early hours. You cant help him, u must get out now. Have a happy life, once u have gone u will realise the relief it brings you.

congratulations on your lovely new home. Make sure you block him once you are gone.

Been there (without the cocaine). Nothing will ever change. I was manipulated for so long but eventually saw the light. You need to leave. I’m having an amazing life right now and you can too x

Whose life is this?

If you cave to his bidding you might as well be a dog (a badly treated one) given his lifestyle) or a guinea pig.

And why on earth would you want a relationship with an addict who tells you he doesn’t love you, you don’t share a bed with etc?

Keep busy packing your stuff and planning your new house.

Eyes forward: JFDI.

OP, if he’s going to change then you moving out won’t stop that. In fact, albeit unlikely, it might give him even more motivation to get clean. Please don’t give up a chance to get yourself free from his addictive merry go round.

Absolutely go to the new house.

Maybe he can use the time apart to grow up. Ask him to pop by in 12 months to show you how much he has changed for the better.

Obvs dont let him in, just a quick chat on the doorstep will suffice!!

Your new house sounds AMAZING and a fantastic opportunity! It’s exciting and positive! Go with that!

@DaisyDreams4
Its just words, he's scared to lose his normality/ support system.
Once you give up the opportunity to take the house nothing will change, why would he change, hes got you where he wants you.
He has an addiction, hes not going to change and hes not going to change for you.
Be strong, take the house, turn your life around, imagine how nice it will feel pottering around your new home without a weight hanging over you.
Im almost jealous.
TAKE THE HOUSE ❤️❤️

You’ve wasted 4 years - do not waste one more day.

Go to your new house. Let him prove he's changed whilst you are living there.

I think you need to make the decision whether

A) you want to continue living your life as nothing more than a supporting character to an absolute loser who brings nothing, treats you like shit and repeatedly makes promises he doesn't keep.

OR

B) a lovely new build of your own which will give you security and a fresh start.

The fact that 100% of replies are telling you to run for the hills is a massive neon sign that this man is bad news.

If he's really going to change and this is a kick up the butt as he says, then he will change even if you move out.

Him changing isn't /shouldn't be reliant on you being in the house with him or not.

You need to leave and resist his manipulation. Do not give in, because that's all it is, manipulative controlling empty promises.

He doesn't actually care about anyone, just himself and his alcohol and drugs.

You deserve so much better.

Block him. Do it now. Pack everything you need to take with you. Don’t let him talk you out of having a fresh start.

Leave and don’t look back.

Come on OP! You know if this house wasn’t lined up that there would be absolutely no change in his behaviour. The minute the house is done he’ll revert to usual!

Part of alcoholism is being manipulative and lying. Don't fall for it - get out.

Go and don’t look back. If this is is the kick up the arse he needs to change he needs to be alone to figure that out and do it. As soon as you agree to stay, and your beautiful new hope of a house has gone to someone else, he will fall back in his own trap. You need to break this now and if he can change he needs to prove it. He needs to become worthy of you before you should ever consider living with him again.

He knows if he feeds you a line OP that you'll fall for it. He's done it a hundred times before. This isn't the kick up the backside he needed, it's just the same loop going round and round and round.

He doesn't want you to go because he doesn't want to be alone. It's as simple as that - because what does he have? He's an alcoholic drug user and he wants to drag you down with him.

Move into your new house and move on OP. Why would this not be the end? He's never going to change. Take this as a fresh start and concentrate on yourself. not this loser.

Thank you for all of your messages. I've read every single one of them, listened, and will be getting the keys tomorrow!

.....and guess where I've just found him, vaping outside of our other local pub that he never goes to!!! Just so I didn't see his truck there!!

Hi. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this and that it’s making you question yourself.

He can make all the promises he wants but if he was going to change he would have done so by now.

Please please don’t give up your house over his promises. It would just show him he can do what he wants and you will just put up with it.

If it means the end of your relationship then it was never going to be anyway - though from the sounds of it, once you’re able to get some space and move on you’ll realise that’s a good thing. Being repeatedly told you’re not wanted or loved and forced to live like this - with the occasional moment of ‘I’m sorry I do love you’ is no life for anyone and I’m sure does not make you happy. I don’t want to jump on the MN bandwagon of immediately diagnosing something, someone or a situation from one post, but these actions are abusive. He may not be abusive, but punishing you by telling you that you’re unloved and unwanted one minute then changing his mind the next, that is and it’s not something anyone should have to live through (and this comes from someone who has, and knows they do not change when everything just goes their way and you are always there no matter their behaviour and words).

Maybe it’ll be the jolt he needs to actually get himself sorted. Maybe it’ll won’t. But staying because he makes promises he has made multiple times before and been unable to keep - that won’t make him get himself sorted at all.

You deserve far better, please please accept your house. If down the line you want the relationship with him to work and he really does work on his issues, then having your own place is not going to stop that.

Sending lots of love to you - you’ve got this, and congratulations on the house opportunity!

Ps if he’s making things difficult, it may be worth not updating him on what’s happening with the house or that you accept it, until it’s all finalised and you have keys and can go. That’s something for you to judge though.

I’ve just seen this one. So glad you’re getting the keys - and glad his actions showed you that you made the right decision!

Congratulations on your new start and own home!