Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

Let’s hope next years bar will be higher and you would have taken the Brave move to split @Ebananascroogey

@Hereagain334 they def relax as they fall and hurt less

Gawd
what a struggle this has been. Feeling worn out and so fed up of it all. Son is supposed to be in a holding pattern until residential detox can happen. His mental health is appalling. Yesterday he decided to eat nothing until Christmas lunch (after3) Was pretty much fall down drunk at that point. Then went and projectile redecorated our upstairs bathroom (for the umpteenth time).
Today is the year anniversary of him disappearing (to kill himself) and the first time the police were in our home to look at his room to try work out where he was.
Plenty of time before that of hideousness but a full year of complete and utter bull. Honestly feeling like getting in the car and just leaving.
Second Christmas on the trot ruined. Hate it all.

Oh @Hellodarknes55 that all sounds so unbearable. How old is your ds? Has he engaged with AA/Smart Recovery at all?

My DH is waiting to start a home detox and it’s frustrating having to wait for it to start and anxiously watching the tapering process.

God I am sorry @Hellodarknes55 - that sounds absolutely horrific.

Does he want the residential detox? If he makes himself physically unwell enough they will detox in an acute hospital. That usually needs an abrupt stop or an extended period of not eating though. 😰It sounds so difficult for you

He is 23.
His mental health is awful. He is suicidal all the time really. Having DBT and waiting for the detox. He is too poorly to do a home detox so we feed him vodka whilst we wait. Been waiting since August.
He says he wants to kill himself with drink. He self harms daily.
The tapering has got him to 22 units a day but he can’t or won’t go any lower and that 22 is only achieved by us being gatekeepers.
I hate my life.
how long has your partner been waiting?

They won’t do a home detox with him as his mental health is so bad.
we were feeding him beer but he became unable to eat coupled with throwing up anytime he did eat so we agreed to shift onto vodka.
We begged for him to be sectioned in August. He begged for it as well.

I don’t really think he wants to stop. He wants to die. He says he is scared to live and scared to die.

Only a month which is nothing compared to your poor ds. I’m so sorry everything is so hard. Is your ds getting any help for his mental health? Maybe that’s not possible while he’s still drinking…such a lot for you to have to cope with.

He is receiving DBT sessions each week and has a worker he is supposed to contact before he self harms. Looking at the complete state of him and the blood soaked bedding, that’s having questionable success.

Sadly, he is in that mid point. They say he can’t stop drinking until his mental health has been sorted. None of which is happening anytime soon. Awful to say, I keep hoping some health event will happen that will lead to him being hospitalised. We can’t leave him alone. He drinks household chemicals when he can find them. He huff’s spray’s. If he starts to panic he will get alcohol delivered to our house.
It’s hideous.

No, we can’t do home detox here, but have had a few hospital detoxes. Just need to be so acutely unwell before they will take someone in because (quite rightly I guess) ‘we’re not a rehab facility’. One way to get acutely unwell enough to be admitted is to run out of alcohol. It’s why I will never buy it. It does gets delivered, but I never open the door to it - and eventually the money runs out & then it’s a matter of hours before admission.

But in our case long periods of abstinence are achievable once detoxed - so a hospital detox can work well. It’s been well over a year now so am hopeful the last one was the last time. If a lot of other support is needed it would be better through an alcohol service of course - I hope you don’t need to wait much longer.

i hope the DBT starts to help. It sounds as if your son is in very difficult place - and DBT needs lots of practice and revisiting - hopefully even if he can’t access the skills yet they will be useful in the future.

Much love to you all.

Thanks for that. The thought of stopping providing alcohol is terrifying. It is such a repulsive and disgusting image to see him in withdrawal. We fund everything as he is our son so I don’t really think we have the option to stop providing. I do worry that the powers that be just feel like they can ignore him as we are effectively keeping him alive/going. Personally, I wanted him out of my home. I went through a taper with him in Jan-March 25 and that was me done. I told him at the time I would do it once. He never took it seriously. My own mental health is in the toilet. So my partner is doing this taper with him but I am obviously sucked into it all particularly when scraping his Christmas dinner/urine/blood off the walls, floors, carpet and windows.
i say Taper, he won’t go lower than 22 units. Many days he argues, begs and demands more. I hate all of it.

Yeah withdrawal is horrific. But does mean hospital admission within a few hours here (never been an argument once withdrawal kicked in - they will then medically detox). I don’t stop anything being delivered, I don’t remove it or try and control it or ask for reductions but I absolutely will not buy it. Nor will I collect it from the front door. I have said no spirits to be delivered to the house - which was eventually accepted. But otherwise none of it is my responsibility. The first time I was more involved in what was going on but that was chaos, so now I bow out. Have called paramedics when needed and have driven to hospital when told by 111 an ambulance was needed but none available (that was for withdrawal) - but otherwise absent myself from any decision making. Alcoholics tend to be good at handing over responsibility to others. So I make it not my business

But have seen a big change since the last time. So fingers crossed.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you. It’s nice to read something positive and here’s hoping it continues. I can’t even imagine getting to anything like that. I am not an optimist though.

I really hope things do improve for your son. It sounds heartbreaking.

Thanks Edithcantaloupe. I think we will try to ask what is actually happening and now many months we will have to do this. Your comments have made me realise that we need to become a pain for the powers that be.

Running out of money is one way the drinking stops here, the other is becoming seriously medically unwell. Completely non-functioning when drinking so it is always a relief when the hospital admission comes - but bloody hell it’s a traumatic experience and risky - sometimes in a life threatening way.

They will only admit into a regular hospital when the medical risk is very high and very immediate.

it’s so hard - the mix of mental health and addiction makes treating both that much harder

I honestly don't know what to comment. This all sounds so terrible.

Christmas Day was trrrible we were invited to a family's house for the day so was just trying to keep him away from the booze for the morning. Didn't really work but the people we went to are big drinkers so he fitted in there by the afternoon/evening.
Yesterday I just gave up any kind of monitoring and that was better for me.
Also my lovely son has stayed over so that's been a lot of help.
I'm being sulky and sorry for myself

Sounds as though you realised you can’t control his drinking @wouldratgerbeunknown which is a really positive thing. It is scary to hand over control to the alcoholic but an important step in not enabling. Doesn’t help with the fear of them drinking to excess though.

Glad you saw your lovely son xx

@wouldratgerbeunknown it probably doesn't feel like it, but you're making positive changes. Your children know now and can support you and you're recognising that trying to stop an alcoholic from drinking is terrible for your mental health. These are really important steps you've taken in being able to see yourself as being worthy of happiness, whatever he chooses to do.

Seconding everything that @CharlotteByrde has just said. It may feel like nothing to you, @wouldratgerbeunknown , but all these small realisations that you are going through are steps on the journey to the point where you say 'enough'.

We're here cheering you on.

Thankyou . Realise I'm in a less desperate situation than a lot of people on here.
Think it's the absolute dread of what's ahead and all so unpredictable in what has turned out to be absolutely predictable to all of you

The thing is that we have all been where you are. Your situation isn't 'less desperate' - you're just less far along the journey. The very fact that you are here on this thread shows that you are open to change, ready to grow, willing to learn. That's all anyone can ask.

And yes, the unpredictability of it all is scary. You're allowed to be afraid of it. We all have been.

Big step forward here…DH just told his parents the whole truth about his drinking. He showed me the text he sent and it was completely honest, detailing how much, how long and the amount of lying he has done.

His Dad drove round to ours then asked DH to come and see his Mum and they talked everything through together. I am relieved as now I don’t have to cover for DH any longer which is a massive step for me.

He was dreading it but it went well and his parents were really supportive.

That sounds like it must be relief for you?
Hopefully that's a positive sign?

It is a relief - makes me start to believe he’s serious about quitting. I really thought he’d never do it so it was something of a surprise too. He is still tapering down ready for scheduled home detox in January. Can’t come soon enough, even though I know now the fear he will start again will never go away, which makes me feel sad.