Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

I'm in the loo at a party I'd rather not be at and my DH is drunk I am just long g to go home

Go home @wouldratgerbeunknown leave DH to make his own way back if needs be. I know it’s hard but you shouldn’t have to suffer like this.

Oh bless you @wouldratgerbeunknown. Yes he’s told his parents so that’s good as extra support for you

if he is serious about quitting why is he drinking at a party in the afternoon

when will he stop drinking

And hope you went home 💐

@wouldratgerbeunknown I hope you've gone home. Socialising with him clearly makes you deeply unhappy, so why not just go alone or let him go on his own? You can't function happily as a couple while he's drinking and if he makes a fool of himself at a party, that's his problem.

I have been worried about DH and his drinking over Christmas as being off work just seems to mean he can start earlier in the day.
Christmas Day wasn't too bad, maybe the big meal helped somewhat but Boxing Day was not good.
In the evening he started on a drunken rant about the internet and how it was the cause of all problems, it had ruined our lives etc. DS said something like not this again, we have this every Christmas. DH then started ranting at him, saying that when he pays his way (DS is a student) he had the right to talk to him like that.
I, stupidly, said I thought the drinking might be more of a problem? and got told I take drugs (I'm on some prescription meds for a health condition) and he 'might as well drink himself to death'
MIL was there and started crying, DS said look you've made your mum cry now, DH stormed off with his bottle.
Later, I told MIL I would sleep on the sofa in the lounge with her but she told me no, if I did that she would go, I needed to go sleep with my husband. I tried that and got shouted at and came back into the lounge in tears.
She then went on to tell me that I was to stop crying, I just didn't want to hear the truth (about the internet) and she had no sympathy for me.
I said instead of talking to me like that she should go and talk to her alcoholic son, to which she replied that I'm not putting the blame on her.
What a nightmare. She then started saying she was going to leave, and I said Ok, go then, and she told me that she would text him (DH) in the morning and tell him I had said that.
There was some other stuff said as well, she commented on my 'lying in bed all day' (I have an illness and was worse after the stress of Christmas) and I mentioned this and she said 'so you say' about the illness, I said it had been diagnosed, by doctors and it wasn't nice not to be believed.
It ended up with me saying something like 'not everything is all about you' (because she tends to turn everything back to how she is feeling / going to do) and she screamed at me, that is a horrible thing to say..
Is this like a kind of denial or something? Any perspectives helpful. Thanks

MIL will probably have been codependent for years. And will expect you to be. You will be to some degree. We all are without lots of help. It will be all sorts of complex stuff going on. Best unpicked with therapy - with Al anon or SMART family and friends available for support too.

What happened in the end with MIL and DH and sleeping arrangements?

Hi, I’d really appreciate some advice.
My son is 20 and has a serious lifelong health condition that can kill him if he drinks heavily. This is a known risk & he’s repeatedly been strongly advised by his consultant not to drink more than say one pint or one glass of wine a evening, which is hard for a young lad I know.

I have found out that he is binge drinking at university, very heavily, really very heavily, several times a week. He does this to cope with social anxiety. There is a real risk that this could kill him. (If it does, it will be immediate - this isn’t a liver condition where he might be taken to hospital and be given help, or something like that, it will just be all over very quickly.)

I have tried talking to him about this & he obviously does not take the risks seriously. I’ve also tried talking to him about strategies for dealing with social anxiety - he takes no notice. I’ve emailed his consultant & asked if he can schedule an urgent medical review call- if my son will speak to him, that might help a bit. I’ve also told his father, my ex - but he’s unlucky to be much help.

Is there anything else I can do?

What is worrying me particularly is that I know I’m going to be under pressure to ferry him to one of these drinking sessions on the 31st and collect him the next day. If I do take him, I might be delivering him to a situation that will leave him dead or in a coma or severely brain damaged. If I don’t, though, I’ll antagonise him, thereby losing any small influence I have- and if he attempts to transport himself back and is taken ill alone eg on a train, the consequences could be truly awful. Far safer in that sense for me to collect him.

Has anyone ever managed to deal with this kind of situation? Young binge drinking? What might you advise? It is really upsetting.

Thanks. I ended up sleeping on my son's bedroom floor.

@Orangesandlemons77 your MiL is bang out of order to try and emotionally control you. Telling you not to cry, to share a bed with DH etc is so awful it beggars belief.

Your son must be sick of your husband’s drinking too having to listen to the same conspiracy rants time and again. I wouldn’t be inviting MIL back again ever and I’d seriously reconsider my relationship too. Sorry because it sounds terrible.

@MotherofDrinker you must be worried sick about your son. Do you mind me asking if he is T1 Diabetic? I have an 18 year old ds who is and worry so much about the effects drinking could have on his condition. My DH is an alcoholic and the thought that ds might follow in his footsteps is chilling.

I would still drive him because at least you can help him afterwards. But your ds has to understand his dysfunctional relationship with alcohol and want help before you can do anything to change the situation. You can’t control it.

@Orangesandlemons77 welcome! I hope you find the support you need here, which you clearly won't get from your MIL. At least you know that now. Regarding the Boxing Day fight, there is no point arguing with a drunk. You'll only upset yourself and get absolutely nowhere. You can't control or cure him so need to decide whether you're prepared to live with his heavy drinking or not. It certainly appears to be making you and your children miserable.

Things are so desperate here
He's got a black today and although not as drunk as yesterday I'm being accused of all kinds of things,
Everyone is crying and upset
I think you are all right and he has no intention of changing and now that's all being laid at my door
I just need to get out of the house today and accept that I'll come home to more horror

Wow @Orangesandlemons77 at how mil reacts at her sons drinking and her behaviour to you is awful

zero support for you

you say this has gone on every Xmas

time to think about how to leave him

@MotherofDrinker no there isn’t anything you can do sadly

inwas guessing diabetic as well.

ex is diabetic and drinks vodka heavily and that’s how I fear he will die

@wouldratgerbeunknown if he is upsetting everyone, maybe it's time he left? Phone the police if he is being abusive. You don't have to accept that kind of behaviour from him.

Thanks for the welcome, and comments I have been here before but not for quite a while. Christmas always seems to make things worse with the time to drink all day as they are off work. I dread it sometimes.

Maybe some anti anxiety meds or SSRIs (antidepressants) might help your son with anxiety and also a chat with the GP about drinking.
@MotherofDrinker

Oh I am so sick of the excuses. Everything is a reason to drink Christmas, his mental health, going out, staying in. I've largely ignored it & left him to it, which actually has been quite a good idea, I think he likes being told not to drink, as a reason to drink more. I've not played into that one & Christmas has been relatively peaceful.
Had to pop into the office today though & he's definitely drank problematically while I've been out. Snoring on the sofa at 4pm & blaming it on going out for a walk & having some fresh air. What kind of stupid does he actually think I am?
Just had a big lecture about how hard done to he is & how it's not his fault his medication has stopped working etc etc.
Just hope he falls asleep relatively quickly so I can go to bed at a reasonable time, although I suspect New Year won't be drama free sadly.

Oh god it's awful isn't it?
The worst Christmas I've ever had and my dad died at Christmas
I had to call the plumber today and when he asked how our Christmas had been I started crying!!
I'm hoping he'll get a detox in January and if that doesn't help I'm going to go

My husband not the plumber ( for detox!!)

@wouldratgerbeunknown im in awe of how quickly you've set your boundaries. 11 years in & i keep talking of leaving but yet here I still am.
He also tells me he is leaving me but never does. Too comfortable being kept by me while he drinks & doesn't work i suspect.
I'm here crying in the bathroom & formulating an escape plan while he's ordering more Xmas lights for next year & chugging wine out the bottle. I sometimes think this us just a very long bad dream that i'll eventually wake up from!

@Ebananascroogey well, yes. Why would he leave in those circumstances? And why would you stay?

Because where we live is mine, and i cant afford to payfor somewhere else too, because i have nowhere else to go, I've lost all of my friends because of this relationship, because I cant leave my dogs with him to be neglected when he's drinking. Also because im so co-dependent these days (& i suspect a little trauma bonded too) that the fear of leaving almost seems stronger than the fear of staying. I'm trying so hard to work through all this so I can make the right choices, but my resolve to go is still so new & so raw that it's tiny steps at the moment.

If the resolve is there now, that's huge.

11yrs. Wow. I couldn’t manage 2 once his drinking got really bad

but I also think having dd helped - she deserves better. As do I - but shes a child and can’t chose to leave which meant dh had to go for her happiness

@Ebananascroogey why do you stay ?

@wouldratgerbeunknown so sorry about your dad. And maybe go out tomorrow evening to a friends

surely if the place is yours. You can kick him out

that’s my only saving grace. House was mine and means dd and I will always have a safe roof over our heads

why would you pay for somewhere else ? Your dh would have to - or live with friends or his family or be homeless an get home via the council

If you own the property /it’s in your name - you can ask him to leave. If he won’t leave you can call the police and they will remove him.