Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

Sorry meant to say can't imagine

Sorry again you must all feel you're trying to help and I'm batting back your advice. I am grateful to you all and what you're saying is sinking in but I think it will take longer.

You're only 6 months in. It took me 6.5 years of steadily worsening things before I decided I had hit my rock bottom so you are still doing better than I did.

@wouldratgerbeunknown I don't feel that at all and I do realise how very hard this is. I have been where you are and it felt for a long time impossible to leave. A defining moment was when my son said he wouldn't be coming home as long as my DH was in the house and I realised I had much more to lose than gain by continuing to live with an alcoholic who wouldn't or couldn't stop drinking.

@wouldratgerbeunknown hope is a very strong emotion, and brought me back from the moment of leaving many times. I think it took me about 5 years to reach my rock bottom. Don’t worry about posting, I know how brave you are to even do that 🪷

All we do here is share our own experiences and what, if anything, we learned from them. We've all got to find our own way through this but in my experience, it helped to hear from people who had been in the same boat. So keep posting!

Baby steps of progress here. DH has his first SMART meeting lined up this week - although I suggested it, he did all the admin and seems committed to going.

He is still tapering which feels like a looooong process. I am making him drink outside the house in the back yard, which will provide suitable suffering in our Northumberland chilly weather.

The recovery services nurse won’t see him till the new year, once he has reduced his alcohol intake enough to safely start a home detox.

Still hasn’t told his parents which is frustrating but at least he is honest in saying it’s because he is putting it off. Depressing but honest.

He is clear this is his last chance - I worry a bit that all the past drinking has killed off every inch of trust I ever had in him but that’s no bad thing I guess. I am still reeling from all the lies and deception and would be a fool to suppose he will manage to give up after decades of drinking.

I am working up the courage to go to Al-Anon. I went to my first meeting at 19 because of my Dad but I never for a minute thought I’d marry another alcoholic.

@wouldratgerbeunknown A lot of posters who come here are very apologetic about their own needs, because they are so used to putting their alcoholic loved ones first. You, more than anyone else seem to apologise even for posting, even for existing Even if his drinking has only been an issue for 6 months, rather than has only come to light in the last 6 months, his views and needs seem to have priority. I wonder if that’s why he’s making false accusations now. Is he feeling his control slip?
The kind of drinking you describe is hugely problematic, and it seems most unlikely that he will just be able to stop one day so you can all get back to whatever your normal was. All I want to do is remind you that you matter. Your right to a peaceful family life matters. Of course you want to help your beloved husband, but you won’t do that by covering for him or by destroying yourself. Please don’t feel scolded, please keep posting. You have a lot going on, and we just want to support you.

Well ....that didn't last. Yesterday he was buying Vodka at the supermarket by 2pm. He couldn't even go 3 days. Fuck him. At least by posting it here it has set it in stone so to speak. Been over a year of this shit. By writing it down it's made it even more real although I know that sounds obvious. I think I'll start the countdown to buying my own property, just in my name, without him as from now. If finances weren't so horribly complicated I could leave now. Being newly married, and being mercenary here - I would be lucky to get nothing as it stands. A couple of years from now things will have changed. He hasn't worked for 2 years now (lives off me) so at least I can support myself with a fairly well paid job. Maybe need legal advice in the new year!

I'm so sorry, @Hereagain334 . But if this sets the seal on your resolve, it's the first step to a life without an alcoholic in it, and once you get there, the world will be your oyster.

I haven’t been here for a while but have been lurking in the background, trying to let go of what I can’t control.
Wishing everyone a peaceful and happy Christmas, whatever that looks like ❤️ it’s a hard time of year for all of us in this shitty boat that none of us asked to be in.

@wouldratgerbeunknown as @pointythings said let him go. Make a tit so people can see what you have to put up with and yes it’s easy for us to say this now as the ‘other side’ but I’m sure they know (I know you say this has only been going on since June) but I’m sure it’s been longer and just well hid

your brothers know ? Or none of your family do ? Sorry I can’t keep up with who has told who on here. Appologizes

they may be supportive as remember

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT AND ITS ALL ON HIM

oh @VoltaireMittyDream so sorry to read this about your mum 💐

bur worse that they didn’t beleive you about dnr

you did what you could an yes guilt is hard. We all fee it but we shouldn’t as we bend over backwards usually ((hugs))

we can’t save or change them

I wish we could

but we can’t

they have to help theirselves