Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

I second prioritising your safety above everything else, and that can include you calling the police if you feel unsafe. Your husband isn't just spiralling, he's plummeting.

Thankyou all yet again .
I'm safe but thankyou for your concern

Just ask g what you all did before you revealed what was going on.
We have a big family event tomorrow he wants to come and says he can control himself . I doubt this is true .
Shall I just make an excuse ?

No, just go, let him make an absolute tit of himself and then be honest about what is happening. You'll be surprised how many people already know. Stopping the 4th C (Covering Up) is the best thing you can do right now.

I agree. He’s responsible for his actions there. And even asking you permission is putting you in the role of making decisions for him. He’s an adult. It’s his decision to make and his consequences to own.

Oh god but none of you have met my extremely smug sisters in law the humiliation is beyond comprehension !!!
They won't know because we only see them once a year and this all kicked off around June this year .

So they are his siblings. The embarrassment should therefore be theirs, not yours. I understand the stigma associated with addiction, but your first step in all this needs to be internalising the three Cs: You did not Cause this, you cannot Cure it, you cannot Control it. Start believing that and you will be able to place the responsibility and the feelings that go with it where they belong: with him.

No they are my brothers wives.
Guess I'm still coming to terms with it all. And wrongly believing I can make a difference

Honestly, you may be surprised by the compassion you meet. Please stop covering for him. It’s not getting better, it won’t all blow over. This is not your shame.

Oh, my thread mates.

My mother died yesterday of a heart attack. I was with her and held her hand until the end.

Then the paramedics arrived, and I couldn’t find her advance directive paperwork so they were legally obliged to try to restart her heart, which is the last thing on earth she would have wanted. And 20 minutes after she’d stopped breathing they got a pulse going again. And so we had to go to hospital. it was completely traumatic for everyone - particularly the first responders who were young lads from the volunteer fire department where we live. I could see in their eyes how terrified they were.

At hospital they found her paperwork and agreed to remove her ventilator, and I sat with her while her heart stopped for the second time.

She hadn’t had a drink in several weeks.

I can’t take it in. I feel desolate and heartbroken and so, so guilty.

I told the ER doctor ‘your patients lie to you!! They say that they’re fine, and they’re not! Please believe their relatives!’

But there’s nothing anyone could have done in the absence of her being willing and able to look after herself.

i wish she could have loved herself more. Like we loved her.

She was so, so loved by so many people.

And all the things that were so confusing to me earlier this week are so clear now. 60 years of smoking weakened her heart and lungs and reduced oxygen to the brain, which along with alcohol, will have impacted cognition and impulse control. The loss of her partner and soulmate 4 years ago set off a decline in motivation and self-care.

I wish I had been kinder to her. I wish I hadn’t been so irritable.

I genuinely thought things were going to go on for year and years like this. I thought I needed to pace myself. And I guess I did, because I couldn’t have known.

I just feel so lost and I hurt so, so much.

@VoltaireMittyDream I'm so sorry to hear that you've lost your mum and in such a traumatic way.

You must be in deep shock, and so confused by everything. Try not to think of the what ifs. You did what you could, and managed in the way that you could at the time.

The guilt is a normal part of grief, without the added complexity of your mum having an addiction. You couldn't change things for her when she was alive, and the guilt won't change things now.

Allow yourself to feel the guilt, without engaging in the negative thoughts. Try to acknowledge the thoughts, without allowing them to overwhelm you.

I hope that you have people around you that can comfort you and help you.

Sending you thoughts of peace and love x

@VoltaireMittyDream I'm so so sorry.

As you say, there is nothing you or anyone else could have done.

I've been where you are, as you know. Sending so much love.

Keep posting. You can say anything here x

@VoltaireMittyDream I am so very sorry for your loss. This is hard. As has been said on this thread many times, everything you feel is valid. However, I would advise you if you can to challenge your feelings of guilt every time they crop up. It is impossible to save an alcoholic, and we all know that. No matter what the causes of their addiction, they are the only person who can do anything about it.

Beyond that, allow yourself to grieve for your loss and be aware that you are at higher than usual risk for complex bereavement. Do please reach out for professional support with this if life becomes too tough. And keep posting here, we are all here for you and several of us, myself included, have been where you are now. Life does get better in time.

@VoltaireMittyDream whatever else happens, your lasting gift to your Mum is your love for her. You must be in absolute shock - nothing prepares you for situations like this, it is a complex and raw grief you are feeling.

When my Dad died he had been sober for years but the physical damage was done before he stopped. It’s hard to process right now but everything you did and said will have come from your love for your Mum. Hold on to that.

And yes, keep posting here we are all thinking of you

@VoltaireMittyDream I am so sorry for your loss. Do keep bearing in mind when you got cross with her it was because you loved her and could see the damage she was doing and you wanted her to sort herself out. If you didn't love her as you did, you wouldn't have been so bothered. Try very hard to push the guilt aside. We have all felt it, but it is corrosive and helps nobody. Keep posting because it all takes a long time to properly process and the mix of emotions can be hard to handle.

@wouldratgerbeunknown your DH's drink issues are not your shame. And if your SILs are smug or sneery, shame on them. But as @Zebracat says you are far more likely to find people respond kindly and with compassion. They will already know friends or relatives who are alcoholics and they will be sorry you're going through this terrible time. If he behaves badly, and you're asked what's wrong, be honest. The more support you have in real life the better.

So my daughter has now said my grandson can't stay with me this week and has made other arrangements as she doesn't want him around my husband ( completely utterly understand but it's just another blow) also means his great grandma won't see him as they live a long way away and she is housebound.
She'll be devastated.
It honestly is awful

Sorry I'm being so selfish please accept my condolences re your mum . That must have been terribly shocking

@VoltaireMittyDream

so
So sorry, it sounds so ghastly . We all know that you loved your mother, you changed your whole life for her. You couldn’t save her, no one could. I’m sure she knew that you were coming from a place of love .

@VoltaireMittyDream , So sorry for your loss and the trauma around the immediate event. I hope you are able to find calm, and do what you feel is right (whether it is keep busy or hide or rant and rave). Know your feelings will be mixed and that is ok. 🌹

@VoltaireMittyDreamim so sorry for your loss. I have been dipping in and out of this thread but what strikes me from your posts is how much you love your mum. You don’t talk about her alcoholism in an annoyed way, you show nothing but compassion and sympathy. You have been a very good daughter and she was lucky to have you.

I really wish I could have this same attitude when dealing with my mother. My resentment just seeps out of me when she’s been drinking.

@wouldratgerbeunknown . That must be rotten for you, I know that caring for your grandson is something you love to do. Can I suggest that this may be a turning point? Your daughter is right, your Dh is unstable and not safe to be around children. How much more can you sacrifice at the alter of his alcoholism?

I’m so sorry for your loss @VoltaireMittyDream. Please keep posting on here for support and also look into professional support as losing a loved one to their addiction is a really complex bereavement. I know the guilt comes for all of us, but please try and push it down. You loved your mum but you could not save your mum because none of us can save our loved one from addiction. We have to forgive ourselves for any mistakes we think we made because we didn’t make them - we did the absolute best we could with the information and resources we had in an unimaginably tough situation of loving an addict.
Sending you massive love and sympathy xxxx

@wouldratgerbeunknown your daughter is right, as you know. Perhaps it is time to prioritise your relationship with your child and grandchild, and change your living situation so that the relationship can continue to thrive?

I just can imagine HOW to change our living situation??
I can't imagine after 40 really good happy years together that I destroy everything after 6 months?
Even my daughter agrees with this she's hoping that things like this will make him re evaluate what he's doing.