Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

This is my experience too, but I also get where @VoltaireMittyDream and @Mymaloy are. I remember being in that place and being adamant it could be managed and no one would need to know or could know because then others would think bad of him and then he really would have a reason to be depressed and drink and it would be worse, it couldn’t be taken back, know one could un-know and the vicious circle continues. We think we can fix it first and then maybe with distance be honest with people abut how hard it USED TO BE when it was in the rear view mirror. There is a desperate need to keep the lid on things, to stop things going out of control. I didn’t realise then I had lost control years before, or more correctly, I never had control and neither did he.

He sounds extremely vulnerable. The problem is that mental health services - which he clearly needs - won't accept him unless he is sober, and addiction services aren't accessible for him now because his mental health isn't good enough. What he really needs is inpatient rehab. I hesitate to recommend Turning Point because they are so very fallible, but they have helped some people I know to get their family members into funded rehab placements.

Thanks for this.
Yes, the mental health and addiction combo has been awful and so crazy at how disjointed things are. We also live in a county with really awful mental health support. One of the worst in the country.
He was temporarily sectioned in August for about 8 hours. They decided he was fine to go home alone so they put him in a taxi. He went straight home and got into the bath with his toaster. 🤦🏻‍♀️ He was fine but fried the electrics in his flat.

I will look at Turning Point. Thankyou.

That’s how they get away with it - making you hide their secrets

once I started to tell more people it got better for me

Well for me I kind of wonder if we can keep the secret until she dies. Which sounds awful. But It feels such a shameful and sad way to live her final years. She was very proud and very educated so she would be mortified for everyone to see her like this. The other thing is if dementia progresses she may need to be taken in to a home which will force sobriety.

i also feel embarrassed to tell people as i work in a respected profession. So I feel like someone like me isn’t meant to have an alcoholic mother and I am afraid I will be judged. So is suppose I am also not telling people in a selfish way. It is such a mix of emotions trying to deal with it all 🤦‍♀️

it would feel a relief to tell people. But I suppose I am scared that once it is said it is said and no going back

Good morning, just wanted to say how shocking it is to read all these tales of the terrible effects alcohol is having on so many people. I do not have any advice as I'm now becoming acquainted with the horror myself and just wanted to say thankyou for this thread. I'm learning such a lot from it. Things I never wanted to learn unfortunately.

@Bridgewhat24 I think it would be easier if a family member as you can detach - rather then a partner who you imagined staying with all life and have memories - plus I have to sort out dd feelings

it wasn’t all bad. It was very good for years but the bad over takes the good

tho I’m sure those with parents/children think a partner is easier

it’s shit for whoever the loved ones are tbh

Morning @wouldratgerbeunknown We are here whenever you are ready to talk. I have also learnt so much from this thread - it’s everything I never wanted to know 😂

That sounds awful @Hellodarknes55 and surely after doing that you would think authorities would help :take action.

So the weekend was very depressing. Saturday he drank definitely as the stench was unbearable
Yesterday he definitely drank around a bottle of wine but I can't see any evidence of any spirits.
He took the sleeping tablets each night so only has a couple left now.
He's started the settralaxine but that should not be taken with alcohol. But as I said he's still drinking.
No further meltdowns since Friday.
today the GP is supposed to call to see how the weekend was.
He says he's going to ask for detox but I think this is all delay tactics because he can contact the alcohol support service himself. Which I'm fairly sure the GP will tell him to do.
I had asked for a mental health assessment but from what I've read on here this seems highly unlikely while he is drinking.
Work seems to be a massive trigger for him . The commute and the being sidelined seem to be really problematic.
The GP said she'd give him a sickness cert for two weeks but it would have to state stress as the reason so he doesn't want this . I said but you are sick mentally sick and some time off would help you contact the alcohol service, remove some of the triggers you say drive you to drink , allow you to contact SMART and make Some changes.
My son is here today who seems oblivious to any problems so I'm just going to try and have a normal day.

There isn’t anyone to take any action. Over the last year we have seen a lot of police, ambulance staff, drs, mental health teams, advice services, the crisis team, nurses. We pay for a psychiatrist.
we all realise now that the only way he will get out of any of this is his choice and his work. I know that’s the case with alcohol anyway but had really thought someone would step in at the point he tried to kill himself 5 times in 3 days. Nope.

As I say, I have no hope really and some days think it would be easier if he got it over with so we can start to actually heal.

Does anyone know if Mumsnet put these posts on Facebook or do they stick to the more lighthearted ones?
It’s really bothering me.

@MNHQ can yoj confirm? I know the tabloids take stuff off the boards, but I hope you are more circumspect about what you share.

God I hope not. Would be completely inappropriate.

@wouldratgerbeunknown does he admit he has a problem? The GP will ask him to contact the detox services - I guess it demonstrates a commitment to recovery.

It sounds like he is still hiding his drinking, getting rid of bottles etc, which is very depressing for you.

My update is that DH is planning on telling his parents. He took years to tell me so I’m not holding my breath.

I feel a bit guilty that their world is about to be shattered but I am currently focussing on the fourth C and am determined not to cover any longer for him.

He is still tapering until the end of the month so he can start a home detox when his drinking reaches safe levels.

I am as prepared as I can be for failure. I keep reading the rl experiences on here which keeps me grounded and as strong as I can manage.

@wouldratgerbeunknown you're trying so hard to help him but you'll not get any sensible response while he is drunk and taking pills he shouldn't be taking with alcohol. His issues may well be work related, but all your excellent suggestions and your monitoring of his alcohol and pill intake are a waste of your time and energy. He must decide for himself to stop drinking. You need to try your best, however wrong it feels, to focus on your own health and happiness.

@Addictforanex absolutely. I am only able to say that it feels better once you tell people because for a long time I tried desperately to manage my DH's problems by myself. We went on disastrous days out and holidays because I was so determined our family life should look 'normal.' I covered for him constantly. I poured drink away and hid his bank cards. I did everything wrong but I was doing my absolute best at the time.

Thankyou I am thinking that although you are ahead of me in this whole sorry saga and I know the advice you are giving is correct perhaps I am where you were and need to go through the whole process.
I feel so sorry for all of you with young children it's horrific what you've had to endure.
I have got a lovely day out tomorrow planned with a very nice friend and I'm going to go on that and have a day off from thinking policing and monitoring .

I’ve never seen anything like this on fb

it’s usually the more funny one

And yes we all can now say do this. Do that. But we didn’t at the time

and it’s not till you are the other side as such , that you know what others says is true

and we try and give the same advice and support to those who are in the same situation - but you have to decide when enough is enough and not listen to those who have been where we are /were

re reading that it doesn’t make sense but I know what I mean

I wish I had stayed strong 3yrs ago and not given dh many more chances and the first time I kicked him out and not said come back

but I had to get to the point enough was enough

yes I feel bad that dd had another 2yrs of a sometimes drunk dad and that’s what I wish I could change

but I can’t

so yes I will say to anyone in the same position to leave. Not put up with it. No more hiding what the drinker does

but I hope he would stop. He said he would. Started aa but was never serious about it

I wish I didn’t cover up his drinking as much as I did

I had hoped he would stop

You were all right when you said he wouldn't control himself on holiday, but im so glad I came. It's hard & heartbreaking, but the relationships im forging with his family members who are seeing the truth is worth all the anxiety & sadness. I was told yesterday that they know he's bad, but my brave face is so good they always think he's ok.
I think his access to his grandchildren will be seriously restricted after this holiday. I also think whoever recommend an occupation order was spot on as he will be really angry about that. Im still so sad that this is how it is, but im seeing it through different eyes again when looking at what he's missing out on.

@Ebananascroogey I have been there. He’s sober 90% of the time, and goes on severe benders occasionally where he changes completely and screams abuse at me. I’ve now got my own place again but when I was at his house he’d throw me out and I’ve spent many nights in hotels, or once I drove around campsites with my tent trying to find somewhere to stay. I’ve refused to live with him, I’ve distanced myself emotionally, and I’m getting therapy to help cope. It’s not helping that he will not discuss it so it’s like living on the edge the whole time just waiting for the next thing that pushes him off the edge. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster that I wish I’d never got on….

@Ebananascroogey I’m sorry the holiday wasn’t great and drinking was over the limit but also good that others and his family saw what he is like

Thank you both. The holiday isn't over & the fear of him not getting on the plane home is massive. The relief of knowing his behaviour has been seen & that i won't be cut out of my step-grandkids lives outweighs that fear a hundred fold.