Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

@Ebananascroogey must be a big relief, almost better actually than him being able to successfully hide it. This could be a pivotal time for him. What’s making you think he won’t go home?

Because he's been so drunk i couldn't successfully imagine even getting him out of bed in time for the flight. Today he's been much better & i think we'll ne ok. Im already heartbroken knowing some of the choices I'll have to make, but I have to be strong. I'll be back posting for support in making those tough choices once im home

@Ebananascroogey I know this sounds crazy, but I would leave him to take responsibility for himself. If he doesn’t get up and get on the flight, he misses it and he has to sort it out.

I used to run around my Ex desperately trying to get him up and to the places he was supposed to be, including work and family events and medical appointments and support appointments. It carried on like this for ages, and gradually I just stopped. It was part of the 4th C - stopping covering - in some way, letting him feel the consequences. He missed appointments, lost money, lost clients and upset friends and family. But I was much less stressed and pulled in a million directions - I stopped feeling responsible for him and it was a big part of me detaching emotionally.

Once where he was doing one of his vanishing acts I even went away on our weekend trip by myself. I let him know I was going and would either see him there later if he joined or not at all. A couple of weeks later we separated. It was, in hindsight, a key moment in me saying no more to the chaos, the disappointment, the half life.

much love xx

Separating from the addict in your life is such a rollercoaster of emotions - you have moments of grieving the person they were before the addiction really took hold (given that most of us stay much longer than we wish we had in hindsight, most of us will experience what someone on here has described as the ‘spiral’ where they go from ‘functioning’ alcoholic to absolutely disfunctional), of the future you thought you would have, of being totally angry with them for not being able to save themselves from addiction, to worrying about what will become of them (even though you know you cannot save them because you already tried more than you should and it was futile and damaged you in the process), to feeling sorry for them that they are dealing with a constant battle of cravings where the easier option is to carry on using, to feeling relief, and then all
of the above again. All the feelings are normal and valid. But the peace of reaching your own rock bottom and drawing a line under the crazy and heartbreaking battle of trying to fix or manage an addict is just so worth it. It’s freeing. You have no idea how stressed and damaged it had made you until you are on the other side I think.

How do you cope when your ex continually lies about you? He lies about anything and everything

I think most people probably take a pinch of salt what he says about me but it’s starting to really piss me off now that he comes out with an outrageous lies about me and I just don’t know what to do

@Penguinsandspaniels the only option is to ignore and hope that other people also know he’s a massive liar.

How do you hear about the lies? Is there any way you can shield yourself from hearing them?

Ok despite all the advice on here that you've kindly given me I'm now totally stuck and really don't know what to do next.
DH has deteriorated +++ insisting that I went on a date ( it was a lunch with a gay male friend) etc etc this has gone on now for 48 hours all through the night as well.
He reeks of gin already this morning.
I have discovered that he is probably covered by his work health care for professional help.
Looks like even inpatient treatment.
What do I do?
Should I call them?
He's in absolutely no state to call them himself.

Me too...I have finally told him we're divorcing and this time I really am done.
Unfortunately, like so many others, we have to disentangle finances which means selling the house (which needs bits doing to it first to compete with our neighbours identical but in showroom condition home going on the market at the same time🙄) Kids - none shared - are adults so that at least is simple.
This means months of living together in what was already a nightmare and now will become so much worse day to day.
He is 'heartbroken/devastated' and I am the villain, that's nothing new; I could never do anything that made him happy enough to not drink every day of these past 12 years...
I have a loving family and fantastic friends who are all overjoyed I am done with him at last and they are checking in daily to make sure I am coping the best I can. I am grateful that they have forgiven me for all the times I have not attended events, not answered calls...they understood he would have kicked off if I had.
I do feel guilty for hurting him(!!), but I am equally pissed off at him and me too for the miserable existence we have both participated in for far too long. From very early on the song ' I love the way you lie' by skylar grey (the Bing lounge acoustic version is best) has been my song for us - twisted, sick love that hurts but appears to endure until 'that day' comes.
The song I now play at least twice a day is 'Blow me (one last kiss)' by Pink - this is my truth now. Love Pink - she kicks ass!
I have always been obsessed with lyrics that can say what I cannot/ dare not. They help me process all this shit whirling around in my head, perhaps some of you on here will understand and if you listen to the songs will identify with the feelings within.
Wishing strength to all of you this Christmas , historically a very traumatic time for him and I and I suspect it will be for some of you too.
From a tiny step 'on the other side', I can tell you that your future self will be grateful you walked... there is peace to be found, but only when you're ready, no judgement at all from me.
I have been you, part of me always will be and I'm sad I couldn't 'fix' him, I couldn't 'love him enough', I wasn't 'good enough' for me to matter more to him than the booze, buying into the sunken cost fallacy every day for sooo long.
xx

My Ex continually lied about his Ex wife, and for a while dumb me believed it as did his friends and family. I feel like writing a letter of apology to the poor woman because now of course he lies about me too to friends and family.

Basically, in the end everyone realises that it is a load of lies and kicks themselves for ever believing it was anything other than an addict blaming the world around them instead of taking personal responsibility. I think the only approach is to try and not care. It’s not easy to do, and you know how many times I have ranted on here about the unfairness of the lies and slandering that goes on. But basically, everyone who matters knows the truth, and anyone who doesn’t matter and believes the lies then park them in the ‘don’t give a damn about you anyway’ box. Your life is busy and full, if they don’t matter, sod what they get told or might think. You know the truth and you also know that it all eventually unravels. Everyone makes the measure of the addict in the end.

what kinds of lies is he telling and who is he telling?

Do you mean call work to understand how the insurance works? Or call a couple of rehab centres to understand how the process works of seeing whether it would be covered by private insurance?

My Ex self funded, but I assisted four times in getting him booked into rehab treatment. The recommendations had come from an AA friend, his therapist, a help 4 addiction line, somehwere he had gone before that he went back to, and a psychiatrist recommendation. I did the initial calls to the rehab centres to understand the process for being admitted, gave some basic details about his addiction/ medical history/ needs, got a quote and sense of availability, and then handed over to him to decide if he wanted to proceed with the medical assessment by phone, set it up and left him to choose whether to go in at the end of it.

That’s probably not much help though if what you need to understand is how his insurance might cover it, sorry. Just wanted to share what I have done before and also let you know that I am thinking of you. It is a brutal time xx

LOVE this post, thank you for sharing. Off to check out the Pink song.

Wishing you love and calm over Xmas too. I’m dreading Xmas as Ex will inevitably have a crisis as it’s his first one truly alone - I am no contact and he has no contact with his children at all currently. I fear that he will hurt himself (he makes many suicide threats), but I know that much like his addiction which I couldn’t cure or control, I also have no power over what choices he makes for his own life including if he were to end it. I can only live my life now. I’m now nearly 6 months into our separation, with a couple of blips where I got involved to support him with treatment or to try and get him back into rehab, but it is a much more calm and peaceful life where I am becoming who I used to be before someone else’s addiction took over my life

@wouldratgerbeunknown so sorry things are worsening. Ignore the BS about dates/ affair etc it’s the crazy talking. Don’t dignify any of it with a response/ try to convince him otherwise.

I have also done the arranging of getting my ex into rehab before, up to making the pre assessment appointment and arranging for someone to take him there. You might as next or kin be able to contact his insurer and explain the situation and understand the options open to him. Then tell him (or write it down) what is available to him and get him to make the actual decision to go. I think the chances of it working are much reduced if the person is not ready to accept the help, and does it to appease others. If he is insured for impatient treatment he is fortunate.

@zeroclucksgiven I listen to music in the same way - actually played DH a song this week which explains how far he has to go to get better. It’s called ‘Hey Mama’ by Nathaniel Rateliff if you fancy a listen.

sorry to hear that you have reached the end of the road and all the sadness that brings.

DH and I are currently on that road although he has one last chance to quit for good before I can let go completely. Someone up thread described this thread as ‘the best thread on mn which no one wants to be on’ (sorry if I’ve misquoted!) and that’s so true isn’t it?

Wishing you a good Christmas and a peaceful New Year!

Sorry to keep offloading on you all.
I called the private provider and obviously he needs to speak to them and set whatever needs to happen in motion but it won't be straightforward from what I can see.
He's too drunk now to really manage anything except going on and on at me about letting him down at his lowest point in life.
Vague threats to self harm - pretty sure he won't do this.
The gp is calling tomorrow for a follow up appointment so I'll try and be around for that.
It's so wearing and lonely
Thanks fir your support

My DH hasn't drunk since last night (usual bottle of vodka a day). So is attempting once again to detox himself. Is in bed with a 'bad stomach' - a lie which he tells that I will swallow...been down this road many times. Never lasts longer than 6 days. I had a vivid dream about him last night doing this very thing, failing, then leaving me to get wasted....despite my warning this was the last time.
I wish he would succeed but I cannot do anything other than keep him hydrated as he sweats and shakes. He is usually up and about by day 2 but still sick. He always gives in when he seems like he's getting clear of it around day 5. Rough ride ahead. Grim.

I also used music to cope. Linkin Park and Bring me the Horizon were my anchors. I used to hit the metal on the way home and get all the rage out, so that I could be the calm capable person I needed to be at home.

It's funny talking about music/lyrics. Am a big Post Malone fan - one thing he sings is 'don't act like you ain't help me pull that bottle off the shelf..'
That stings a bit.

It’s mainly to his family but also to some of who I thought were my friends (he knows them via me)

main one is that I’m seeing someone (I’m not) he says to all that I am , that people have told him they’ve seen me with a man (not true) - I know no one has said that to him as I’m not dating - furthest thing on my mind at the moment

but then says to people , friends and family that I was cheating when married and why we split up (nothing to do with his drinking 🙄)

and seeing this man and not to lie

I’ve said to f&f im not dating, I could if I want. Been split almost 2yrs but I don’t want to - but if I was I would say - why would I lie ?

he says im narcistic and what I say to him isn’t what I tell people

I would love him to be a proper dad to our dd but not happening at the moment

I think it’s harder with his family as he has older kids /adults in their 30’s - 2 now don’t see/speak to him (but do to me and dd their little sister) and 3rd does and is supportive to me but jeez the crap he tells her and I dont want her /others to think badly of me

I think tho could be wrong - thy wont accept unless they do it

that was what our gp said when we said about detox. They said the person needs to want to do it and make the effort

which i guess I can understand as waste of time and money and effort if they dont want to be sober and stop drinking an we take them /put them there

That sounds really tough on you 💐

Yes re coming from him I completely see that.
He's been asleep now for a few hours so if I'm lucky and there's no other booze stashed upstairs ( I've searched but haven't managed to find it / I'm 99% certain it's somewhere in a high up cupboard I can't reach )
Maybe I'll be able to have some sort of conversation with him. We've got a huge weekend coming with a big family reunion now thinking of what excuse I can make to not go . I know I shouldn't be hiding it but I'm too ashamed to admit it yet .

Your time will come @wouldratgerbeunknown when you just don’t care and tell people

until then we are here for you

@wouldratgerbeunknown you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all. Hold your head high and go to the reunion if you want to go, on your own if he isn't in a fit state. And please stop searching for bottles. You will drive yourself crazy and achieve nothing. xx

Thankyou . It's all so grim

@Hereagain334 that sounds dangerous for him and deeply unpleasant for you. Will he not consider rehab?