Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

Does anyone one have any experience of supporting adult offspring who are also parents? Supporting grandchildren who are living with a chaotic alcoholic mother?
After reading everyone else’s posts, I’m coming to the realisation that I’ve been really gullible and believed a lot of lies. I can see now that a lot of decisions have been made to cover up the extent of the drinking which is now spiralling into weekend binges with coke as well. What a mess!

@Unpaidworkmakestheeconomytick is there any social care support going in? Because if your grand children are in a situation where there are weekend binges involving coke, they are at considerable risk.

@Unpaidworkmakestheeconomytick do your grandchildren have a sober parent at home?

You should make a safeguarding report if not.

Thank you everyone for your advice, it has been really helpful.

Yes we are all under one roof at the moment, I also thought it would have to go to court so knowing that info is really helpful - thank you.

Unfortunately he doesn't see he is doing anything wrong at all, and thinks im the problem for having an issue with it so there's no chance of a change there.

I do put DCs needs before his and lean on my family who dont know all the details, but do know hes fairly shit so will go above and beyond to help me out.

I get on with his mum, who enabled him for a while but now seems to have come to the end of her tether, his dad thinks hes doing nothing wrong.

Monday morning I am contacting the safeguarding team in my area. I can’t watch from the sidelines anymore and I can’t walk away for my own mental health because of the children.
I feel so completely out of my depth. The last 12 months have gradually been getting more chaotic and now it’s unsustainable with the bingeing and the coke. She doesn’t do it in the house, she gets a friend to come over and goes to hang out with her drinking buddies.
Dad is around and has them 2-3 days a week, but he’s only two years sober himself and he is disproportionately angry considering how much support he has had over the last 15 years.

@Edithcantaloupe he will never come to his senses

I have finally reliesed this the past 2yrs we have been apart

he will always drink if has money

Why can’t you say she’s a drinker

@Addictforanex that’s handy to know. So we can stop access if we want to due to drinking and obv we have proof - and they would have to take us to court to make us change our minds

@Anonymousl why haven’t you told your family - or can you tell them now

That is absolutely the right thing to do.

That’s how it was for us, but I didn’t have anything court ordered to begin with. So we had arrangements agreed between us which I wanted to change - and I was told I don’t need the court to agree to changing what was originally agreed between us - I was within my rights as the resident parent to make those adjustments. I’m in Scotland so this is under Scots law.

I thought about removing his parental rights but I didn’t in the end, and not sure it would have achieved a lot. They are healthy so I don’t need to engage with him on medical decisions and I can’t think what else it would really affect in practice. In my will I have specified who my parental rights go to if I die before they are 18 (touch wood obv!) and also specified who they should live with (spoiler - it’s isn’t their dad). I have also set up a trust for them etc in my will so they will be financially looked after as quelle surprise ex-H has nothing for them to inherit as it is all up his nose or down his throat.

I make up for their dad being useless by being doubly responsible, reliable, present physically and emotionally. We have to. Were mums. I sort of feel like I owe it to them because I chose their dad so badly and that isn’t their fault.

Aw bit emotional this evening on this thread :( Thank goodness for people like all of you. Holding the pieces together so the ripple affects of alcoholism and addiction are lessened.

Sadly that is usually the way it goes. I’m sorry.

Yeah. I think uncertainty is extremely difficult to deal with, in anything. My mother actually achieved a three-month stint of sobriety in the year before she died. She even started going to an exercise class. We couldn't believe it. No one really enjoyed that period because, as you know, you wonder when it's going to crash and burn.

It is so hard for you. I get that. I think also, it's been so fucking hideous and now you're suppose to believe that she's actually fine, no problem, what on earth were you so upset about etc. This is how it drives you crazy.

But you're not crazy. Everything you feel about this is legitimate. Anyone would feel the same. If you hate her a bit, that's fine too. I hated my mother for the stress she caused.

It’s not common knowledge or discussed at all. Neighbours dont know, extended family dont know, friends dont know - or maybe they suspect. No body is allowed to say she is an alcoholic. She would be so angry if she found out I told people. Plus I would feel like I let her down 🙁

I totally get this. I live in absolute terror of my mother finding out I told anyone. Which is mental as I'm nearly 50 and she's nearly 80.

@Mymaloy being honest is not letting her down and she has no right to expect you to keep secrets that you are uncomfortable about keeping. Personally, when I stopped covering for my DH, my mental health began to improve.

I came back again. With a slightly different username.

Thanks to those of you who replied to me the other day.
Our lives are chaos. My son is existing. Little more. He is receiving Dbt and we wait for a residential detox. He seems to be circling in the 21-25 units per day area which is a massive improvement but is unable to get lower. This is only because we withhold it and try to space it out.

Some days he starts at 8am, some days lunchtime. He looks appalling. Is shaking a lot. Throwing up at various points and struggling with any food now.

Then there is all the self harm/suicide attempts.
It’s horrendous. I am almost forgetting the little boy.

He has told us that his aim is to kill himself with alcohol. He is scared to die and scared to live. I have very little hope.

I appreciate you all and this thread. Thankyou.

If on the birth certificate/married I was told he would have legal rights as dad if I died

where I have named a guardian in my will that I would prefer and if need be she would go to court to stop dd living with him

but only way I could take parental rights off dh is to go to court - which I feel at the moment no need as like you , we have nothing set in court. If I don’t want dd to see her slx ad or if she doesn’t then she doesn’t go

she’s 8 at the moment so I think in 2/3yrs the court listen to the child and she would say live with my named person over living with dad

I just hope I don’t die before she is 14/16 iyswim but I do truely believe that he will die via drinking /stroke /bleeding stomach etc due to booze

You sound just like me

@Hellodarknes55 Sounds utterly horrific. It must be unrelenting as he’s in your house destroying himself in front of you.
Have you found any support for yourselves to steer you through the maze of what is helpful and what is enabling. Although by the sound of it he is past all that and just surviving until he gets a place.
I am trying to support my daughter and grandchildren but I think she just sees me as soft touch and manipulates money out of me to feed the children, or pay bills. She always has wine on the counter so I must be inadvertently subsidising her habit.

Hi all,
I read your posts with such sadness and recognition.
my exh and I split Sping 24, he is still drinking. Like others, has flipped back and forth over admitting he is alcohol dependant and needs to stop to stating he has cut down and is now a ‘normal’ drinker.
Lost his license, his wife, suspended from work, the respect and trust of his kids and is now racking up debt.
I was happier but lately been struggling with the grief of losing the old him. I really miss him and the times we had many years ago, and the future I thought we’d have now our kids are adults at uni.
Instead, I’m alone, trying to get motivated to decorate for Christmas for when the kids come home, my mum is very ill and I have no one to talk to about it. (I have friends but not that one to hug you and look after you).
It’s crappy.
It’s not fair and I’m trying to accept that the person he was had gone forever. I too have sadly imagined he’d died.
Hugs to everyone on here. I don’t know how you cope when it is a family member whom you can’t divorce

I am sorry to hear this I am very much on my own as well, I wish I had a mum who I felt was there to care and look after me (it is my dm that drinks). I don’t really have anyone to share the burden with and have to try and create a normality for the teen dc.

Hi @Bridgewhat24 , it is really hard when it is your own flesh and blood like you say, you can’t divorce them. I might have walked away if she didn’t have young children, but they have no agency so I can’t.
Leaving my alcoholic husband with three small children and a single suitcase was easier than this.

It is and has been horrendous. He and we were begging for him to be sectioned at one point when he was repetitively making suicide attempts with literally anything he could get his hands on or delivered. I guess they were right as he is still here, but we - his parents, have been completely broken by it all.

We moved him out of our home and into a flat in the summer where he lasted 3 weeks. Still paying for the flat. He is living here with us. We know he will drink antifreeze when he goes there. The manipulation is large with him unfortunately.

We are both having counselling and using alternative therapies to try keep ourselves afloat. We are on slightly different pages, I actually want our son out of here, my partner wants to continue what we are doing. I already did a taper with him in January 2025 and told him I wouldn’t do it again.

I feel for you, you want to support but you know it’s helping feed the addiction. It’s a giant barrel to be lain over and I would say be very kind to yourself.

I drive around with my car boot full of booze that we drip feed him as I can’t leave it in the house. The number of people who start out making a joke about the booze before then admitting that their lives have been tortured by an addict. Our society is messed up by booze and it’s so unhealthy that it is literally everywhere.