I can't do this anymore

[Muppet11]

I've had enough. My wine consumption has gone to 2 bottles a night. I'm so sad and lonely but I need to stop. I've tried AA and hated it. It's the only thing that stops my mind but I know it will kill me.

Just need some support really, I have to do this or I know I will die :(

Well what a day!

My DH drinks a lot too, he moans at my drinking but think he secretly likes it because then he can.

We had a bit of an argument today and on his way home he asked if I wanted anything. I asked for a couple of things to eat and he said "is that it?"
when I replied "yes thank you" he kept saying "are you sure?"

I said yes I was sure.

When I went to the fridge in the garage (where we keep the drinks) he had bought a bottle of white wine ( which he doesn't drink) and a huge case of beers.

I picked out a nice Tripp CBD drink and ignored the alcohol!!!!

Tucked up in bed with a new book.

I know the danger zone will be in a few days when I'm feeling better. But really want to push through.

Thank you all so much for your support, it's really helping.

This was me 5 years ago. Start by reading the sober diaries and the unexpected joy of being sober. People will give you lots of good advice - the only promise I can make is there is a life possible with no booze at all and I promise it gets better. So much better.

@Muppet11 well done on day 2.

I was a terrible wine drinker. Some nights up to 3 bottles, drinking myself into some right states. Then feeling horrendous the next day. Then better the following and so start again. I was an unpredictable drunk too - leaving the house, calling people, carrying on etc. It was a nightmare.

Like you, one day I woke up, read a load of threads on here and stopped. That was about 12 years ago now. My position now is I have zero desire to drink at all and haven't for years. In fact, the thought of being drunk fills me with dread. But I am not entirely teetotal. There will maybe be 2 or 3 occasions a year when I will have a glass of something. Difference now is I am never arsed about a second glass.

Sobriety is super powerful. Do it for long enough and your whole mindset around booze changes. I could never have imagined enjoying an alcohol free life, but I can confirm it's a million times better than a drunk one. Waking up without a hangover still feels great 12 years down the line 😁

Well done for staying strong @Muppet11if he won't drink the wine can you get rid of it so its out of temptation for you? Gift it or just pour it away?
You are doing so well, especially whilst living with someone who is not supporting you in this.
Can you talk to him about this?

Yes, I think I will give it to my friend.

I don't understand it? He keeps saying to me how much I'm drinking and then does that?

I couldn't sleep again last night, I don't feel great this morning. Full of anxiety and worries. This is why I drink, to stop these thoughts. When I'm drinking/ hungover I don't think about stuff.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and I'm so worried it will happen again.

The problem with no hangover is that my mind starts focusing on everything that is wrong in my life and all the stupid mistakes I've made.

Beating yourself up means you'll just end up beaten. Forgiving yourself and learning from past mistakes (and I would put money on you believing you were doing the right thing at the time) is how you develop wisdom and self awareness. You, like the rest of us, will always be a work in progress – that's the joy in life.

I found this really useful when I stopped smoking. Ask yourself if there's any situation, any conversation, any emergency that will be made better by getting drunk, feeling terrible about yourself and damaging your health? Also, having a running total of the drink free days is a great idea. As the number gets bigger the thought of having to start at 1 again keeps you focused.

What is your anxiety and worry focused on? If it's past behaviour that you cannot change, all you can do is promise yourself you'll do better from today. As they say: forget yesterday, it has already forgotten you.

Its the acohol withdrawal making you more anxious, it will pass I promise. Keep your mind busy, crosswords, games on your phone, a tv show you enjoy, cleaning, and make sure you get outside & have a walk it will help.

I don't understand it? He keeps saying to me how much I'm drinking and then does that?

Watch out that he isn’t trying to sabotage you. It may be that he thinks he’s helping you or being nice (that’s my most charitable guess) but I would be wary that he wants to keep you sick.

You are doing a hugely positive thing. Keep posting on here. There are a few long running threads with supportive groups on them you would be most welcome to join.

It's more present stuff which is very complicated. Yes, past stuff I cannot change I know.

I think he is trying to sabotage me....

Ive had a shower and washed my hair and I've just sobbed and sobbed.

Im supposed to have an interview on Wednesday. It's just a retail part time job. But I haven't worked in 3 years and it's filling me with anxiety.
My last job was a lot of the reasons of my breakdown. Worked with a real bully. So it's bringing up all those emotions again. I also looked at the train fair and I would need to work 2 hours each day just to cover that.

I only have one friend and my mum and brother. I can't talk to them because I know they are terrified I'm going to get ill again.

Try writing stuff down (you can always burn it/flush it afterwards if you don't want anyone to find it).

Why? Because thoughts, emotions, imaginings and memories are all controlled by your subconscious mind and, while it doesn't mean to scare you, it doesn't have any limits as to what it can create.

Whereas if you write down (something like) "I'm scared because I haven't worked in three years and because I worked with a bully in my last job" your logical, rational mind can step in – as you would do if you were talking to a friend – and say "It's normal to be nervous when you are doing something new or something you've not done for a while but it's OK to tell them that. And just because there was a bully at the old job doesn't mean they'll be one here."

Balancing the fears with logic won't make everything go away but it will help you feel more in control and able to think clearly.

Don't price up the working hrs and train fare, getting back your work confidence after your last position will be priceless. You can cut your teeth on this interview and if you get it, great, if not it will be excellent practice for the next time.
If your partner is sabotaging you then you will need support elsewhere, keep posting, we're all on your side.
As pp have said the hangxiety is going to improve and sleep is going to improve. Treat yourself kindly until this happens. Fresh air, exercise, good food. Sweet treats to give you the sugar hit you'll be missing.
Is there an exercise or hobby you like? Something you can make into a new routine to keep you busy.

Thank you!

Yes, that's what my mum said about the job, it's just stirred up so much anxiety from my last place.
I had to leave suddenly and it really left them in a bad position.

Have you tried Bee Sober? Look them up. Really supportive group and it’s how I got sober. AA didn’t resonate with me even though I was firmly an alcoholic.

Highly recommend https://soberistas.com/home

AA was also not for me. I did go to a few SMART meetings online though, and those were better. None of the god / higher power stuff. Also a group on Facebook called Sober Inspired Pirates was an invaluable source of support in my first year or so.

Podcast I loved was Sober Awkward and the best books I read were Alcohol Explained, The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, The Luckiest, and Quit Like A Woman.

You can do this OP!

If you pour it out, it’s not much in terms of liquid so easy to consume a ton of it. If you do drink, at least have something else on tap to break it up. Iced water, tonic, juice, alcohol free- whatever.

Have been exhausted all day, I cried so much my eyes were sore.
I wanted to clean the house but just felt so tired.
DH went to the pub for a few hours, we then had a takeaway with the DC and finished a series we were all watching.

At one point around 7.30ish I considered drinking. But I wanted my DD to see I'm serious.

So glad I didn't! Day 3 done!

Thank you all for your kind comments and suggestions

Well done 👏 hope you get some better quality sleep tonight, its got to kick in soon xx

Just saw this thread and wanted to say well done op!! I’ve been alcohol free over a year and a half and
life is so much better. Hopefully your anxiety will shift with practice and time (get self
help is a good cbt self
helpmwensite for that) but even if it doesn’t, you can speak to a doctor about managing that without the wine. One day at a time, from a complete stranger, I’m proud of you! 👏🏻👏🏻

You can do this OP.
My friend had a terrible time with alcohol addiction but is now over two years alcohol free. Her life is transformed. Yours will be too.
Tag me if you feel tempted and I'll respond ASAP.
One day at a time for now.

Instead of focusing on the not drinking, focus on what it is you want to do or who you want to fight for. Once you've got that clear in your mind, drinking will just get in the way. As time goes on you might even regret the time spent drinking and that you could be healthier now and have had more time do do what you want to do

@Muppet11 keep going your doing so well. I've been taking a break from my phone and the Internet as that was what I would do when I was sat on the sofa drinking. I've planted some bulbs today and cooked a roast dinner. I did have a wobble and thought a glass of wine would be nice after dinner but it passed. I'm enjoying a horlicks in bed now.

Excellent work! Well done 👏👏👏