Support thread for those trying to lead an alcohol free life - Autumn 25

[Lavrander]

Hello and welcome!

This thread is for anyone who is genuinely trying to live an alcohol-free life. It was first set up by @drybird and has grown into a safe, supportive space to share thoughts, ask advice, swap experiences, or simply check in as we give up and keep off the booze.

There’s no judgment here – just kindness and encouragement. Whether you post every day, once in a while, or just read along quietly, you’re part of the group. Many of us have found this thread invaluable, whether brand new to abstaining or years into AF life.

Wherever you are on the journey, someone here will have been there too. Don’t be shy about posting – we love celebrating successes of all shapes and sizes, and we’ll support you through the tougher times as well.

The only thing we ask is that your aim is complete abstinence. If your goal is moderation, there’s an a long-running thread for that in this board that will be a better fit for you. That doesn't mean that slips don't happen, and we'll support you in picking yourself back up and carrying on, cheering you on as you do.

Living alcohol-free isn’t always easy in today’s world, but it is absolutely worth it. And you don’t have to do it alone – we’re here to help each other realise just how good AF life can be.

@FiloPasty@Swimfreaki also used to drink on a Sunday afternoon. I would take my son to rugby Sunday morning, then bath him do his homework and then plug him in to a computer or iPad whilst I drank a whole bottle of red wine whilst cooking a roast 🙈🙈🙈 which would then leave me hungover for work Monday 🙈 but I’d be drinking all weekend in the evenings anyway. It’s so nice to go into the week feeling rested! My energy levels seem to be stabilising abit now along with my mood. I also made a real effort to be super friendly to my ex husband at the rugby this morning watching our son. Something I don’t think I would have done had I not had the improved clarity of sobriety x

Morning all.

Just up but no Yorkshire tea yet.

Most of the house got staged for today's photos but we appear to have a broken boiler, curses.

Sunday was a drinking day for me too. I'd start at lunchtime. I had silly rules too, nothing after 6pm etc so ready for the school run. The games we play!

School showers for me.

Good morning.
I guess I could say any day was a drinking day for me. But I would always try to manipulate Sunday into being one of them. I could find a reason (excuse) to open a bottle (and finish it, and potentially the next one) and would be happy to have it to myself if DH didn't want to join in as was the case 90 percent of the time.
But yesterday wasn't like that and today won't be either.
Sunny school run here today. I need new sunglasses though and its now out of season in the shops. I only by the cheap ones as either me or the kids always break them.
Well done to all who have woken up hangover free today and feel fresh for the week ahead. How lovely to be able to start on the right foot.
Anyone who is struggling. Keep trying, keep being here. Even if you only ever read along, your in the right place and are very welcome.
Have an amazing day shipmates

Good morning all

Good to see old and new on here..

I come for a bit of advice.

First let me set the scene... (Without giving away too much personal information)

I have a school friend that lives abroad. We both grew up and went to school in our home country but she left on travels shortly after university and never returned home. (She met and married and have loved in multiple countries since)

I moved to the UK after I met DH.

We were very close at school but, as per the way of these things have lost touch a little but have recently reconnected, largely via WhatsApp text and voice notes. We recently had a walk together when she came with her family for a walking holiday in England.

During our walk I mentioned that I don't drink anymore, didn't go into any details and just kept it light and she said she also doesn't drink and haven't done so for years. She didn't expand on her reasons really either (something about the hangovers getting too bad) and we left it at that.

Anyway, she is going through a bit of a stressful time at the moment regarding future decisions and casually mentioned ina voice note last week that she is drinking wine again. (Saying that it slows your thinking down and making sure, in a light hearted way, to say she wasn't drinking in the morning)

So this is were I need the advice...

Should I reach out to her and ask if she needs support from the alcohol consumption perspective? It feels strange to barge in with a voice note saying "I picked you said you were drinking wine again, and I realise the stress you are under is immense. Do you need support?"

What do you fellow voyagers think? Should I say something or not? One fear is that saying something pushes her away we lose touch again
Another is that I am projecting my own issues onto her, when I don't need to

Also, how much of my own journey do I share with her?

I didn't want to read & run @EastCoastDamsel - I just wanted to say you're a lovely friend, however you decide to respond xxx

@EastCoastDamsel I think it would be ok to share as much of your story as you like. But I wouldn't ask or make suggestions about her drinking. If she wants to, she'll talk. It may well not be such a big thing for her.

Morning all.
It’s a tricky one @EastCoastDamsel . I think the fact that she told you she’s not drinking in the morning is a sign she’s worried - it’s one of those defensive statements we use when we’re trying to work out how much of an issue we have.

Can you open the door by admitting to part of your reason for stopping? “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I found that ..”

That way you’re not leaping in to “fix” her, but can start a conversation leading towards it?

@EastCoastDamsel I wouldn't mention the drink itself but would send a message saying I'm hear if you need me no matter what the troubles. Leaves the door open for them to get honest if they want to.
What a good friend you are

Thank you all. @Onewildandpreciouslife ..that is exactly what I have been milking over all weekend.

If she hadn't said "...it slows your thinking down. Not that I have been drinking wine this morning, you would be relieved to know..."

I wouldn't even have thought twice about her saying she's drinking wine again. It feels like it could be a cry for help. IYKWIM

PS I am not even sure that she will remember that I don't drink anymore anyway. It was such a non-issue when we met up

Happy Monday all!

Successful AF weekend here. Threw a post-renovation house party on Saturday. Served gin punch, opened prosecco and wine and didn't have a hint of a wobble. Enjoyed AF corona, trip, a mother root and a cup of tea round the fire pit at the end of the night. Genuinely enjoyed being present for all the conversations, helped my DH with all the hosting rather than focusing on drinking and went to bed at a reasonable hour rather than 2am after breaking into the cognac. My best friend got pretty tipsy, told me how proud she was of me and hinted that she was worried about her own drinking. Dont think shes ready to make the sober leap yet but ill be here for non judgemental chats if she wants to

Hello @EastCoastDamsel.

The below is me talking about myself and a friend. You and your friend maybe different, but I share it in case it is helpful.

I have a close friend who has similar (but different) alcohol issues to me. We've talked about it, shared some stuff and know how much it impacts us. She is drinking at the moment and I never comment. Only you know your friend, but in all honesty I wouldn't welcome a comment from my friend about drinking if I wasn't managing it at that time. However sensitive, careful or coming from a place of love it was, personally its too personal and shaming.

The only time I would say something is if she did anything unsafe. Then I may say I wanted to check in, were they OK.

If alcohol is an issue for her your comment, however low key, that you dont drink anymore will have been heard. And just that comment could make you a safe person to ask advice from when she is ready.

She's really lucky to have you thinking and caring about her x

Thank you all for your input.

@Womanshour I don't think I will make any direct references to the drinking but will just increase my general comms with her. Very safe advice and you are, of course right, she will have heard, and clocked, that I don't drink anymore just like I did with her comment.

Nothing to add to the sterling advice already offered @EastCoastDamsel. You're a wonderful friend to have thought about it.

Congratulations on a successful weekend @HorrorFan81. I bet it was a lovely Sunday after all that, even with the clean up. I bet your friend will be grateful that she can have time off drinking even with you, even if she's not ready to go full time.
@FreedombeckonsmeI'm sure I'm not jinxing saying this but was just reflecting on what lovely messages you've sent on here recently - I realise it's always ups and downs on this ship of ours but it's lovely to read you're experiencing the sunny weather after some stormy days.
and the same to @malazzie- it's lovely that moment it clicks and you actually start to see glimmers of not struggling. Hurray for three weeks! You can absolutely stay the course.

Awful day at work today. Still having the internal monologue in the corner shop. Tell you what though - I'm still amazed that a shop can actually come to under £10. Who would have thought if you popped in for a bag of rice that the bill would come to just the cost of the rice?!

I will not drink with you today. Tuesday will not be any better coupled with regret, sadness as well as stress. I'm going to get home and hug my dog.. if he'll allow it.

@Lavrander hope the dog tolerates your advances - I've got a snuggle monster for rent if not! Also joining you AF from the sofa with some chocolate buttons (may or may not be the kids...).

@WendyWagon fingers crossed for the Goldilocks house! And hurrah for women estate agents.

Welcome @Springadorable; the women on this thread are fab and you will get lots of support.

Amazing news @Lavrander about your girlie weekend turning sober. I've actually been pleasantly surprised lately by how many other women in my friend groups (book group, etc) choose AF drinks when we go out. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who struggles with AUD; the others just prefer not to drink. But it's great regardless... And sorry about your tough day at work. I hope tomorrow is easier!

Fantastic work @malazzie on your three weeks. I do love a solo cinema outing. And @HorrorFan81 I'm so glad your party went well. Hosting an event with alcohol for guests is still something I find tricky.

@EastCoastDamsel I don't have anything to add either about your friend, everyone has given such wise advice. Good luck 💐

I had an intense experience last night. Went to a friend's birthday party and spent a long time talking to an academic friend I hadn't seen for many years. She was very funny, witty and eloquent but became increasingly drunk as the night wore on. I told her I didn't drink any more and she kept saying, "Amazing! I'm so proud of you!" And then she really opened up and told me that she has had serious mental health troubles. Acrimonious divorce, hospitalisation, suicide attempt. She also said she has an alcohol problem, hates her job, wants to leave academia. All this was revealed over glasses of red wine repeatedly filled to the brim. It was just so sad. She's very talented but works in a very stressful area of academia (think human rights / social work / helping survivors of trauma). I didn't know what to say to her really but I encouraged her to think about taking a leave of absence from work and focusing on taking care of herself. To be honest I'm not sure she'll remember anything about our conversation 😥Even as the party was ending and she was swaying so much she was about to fall over, she was begging us to go on to the pub with her. We did manage to get her safely into a taxi and destined for home.

I felt like I was looking at a previous version of myself, when I was at my most depressed and my addiction was at its worst. Fuck it's awful. In short the whole evening was a powerful illustration of why I don't want to start drinking again. It was also a reminder of how peace of mind is a million times more valuable than academic success.

A lot of us seem to be dealing at the moment with friends who are also struggling with drink, or wondering about sobriety. I wish us and them well! It's not easy but life is so much less complicated when we don't drink.

@elusivehope A number of close friends are senior academics - the lifestyle does show in some cases.

Morning all.
Up early due to being poorly yesterday afternoon.
I ate two mince pies and the gallbladder didn't like it.
I was saved by chicken soup later on.

@elusivehope that was a very sad story re your friend. I am known to counsel alcohol dependant people these days, I've even done it in A and E! Not sure I'd want to out myself in the workplace though.

We got through the house brochure photos yesterday with child labour (DC not kids but hey). Surprising what they can do with photo editing. The DS was magnificent.
Sadly they wanted to drop the price from the initial valuation. The media is having an impact on sales by stating doom and gloom. I agreed but will have to stick to my guns or I won't be able to buy Goldilock's cottage.
Still waiting on the bay trees.

Morning all.
Tough day yesterday- met the surgeon who will do the reconstructive side of my op and didn’t like him. I know it doesn’t matter and the important thing is he does a good job but I just felt very vulnerable and unhappy. I think I probably come across as too blasé about the whole thing - it’s not my first rodeo - but he was pretty dismissive about my previous experiences. A bit like a plumber coming in to fix a problem and spending half his time saying what a bad job the last plumber did.

Also (unreasonably) annoyed at work. Like many organisations they are trying really hard to tackle mental health issues, and have invited two celebrities who have struggled with addiction to come and do a talk. My issue with this is that for all the stories of their rock bottom, anyone in the audience who is worried about their drinking will be listening out for “the line” - is my drinking that bad? Which side of “the line” am I? If Im not that bad, do I really have a problem?

There is a quote from Laura McOwen which is something like: “most people ask “is my drinking bad enough to have to change”. The real question is: are things good enough to stay the same? And underneath it all- are you free?”

I know work is trying to do the right thing, but it’s frustrating. I think I’m generally just not in a great place emotionally, so will try not to bite anyone.

Anyway, I’m not drinking. But I did eat a huge bar of chocolate on the train home.

@Onewildandpreciouslife I like those questions. I used to reassure myself that I wasn't 'that bad'. I didn't black out or wake up shaking. I didn't drink a 'whole' bottle of wine (just three-quarters of one, every night, for years). But I could see that things weren't staying the same - they were gradually but steadily getting worse and that I wasn't free that made me want to do something about it.

@Onewildandpreciouslife I'm very early on in this sobriety thing, but the sad thing about those questions is the last few years I’ve definitely known it’s too much, woken up a few times saying never again and then by dinner time, opening the wine again.
This recent health scare has just really ramped up the fact I’m killing myself, so I’m in this weird place that I’m proud of not drinking, but sort of ashamed that I’ve only done it because I’m scared I’ll die.
For anyone who hates all the booze in the corner shop, there’s a great book called The Power of Habit by Charles, where it says that to create a habit you tag something you want to do into a habit you already have. For example taking medication when you put the first kettle on in the morning, you can also see something and give it a strong message/manifestation type thing so pour a glass of water and say “I’m going to be healthy today”. Rambling there, but when I see the shelves of wine my mind sings the song “Poison” by Alice Cooper it’s working so far 😂

@Onewildandpreciouslife

"are things good enough to stay the same? And underneath it all - are you free?"

Thank you!!!

👏👏👏

@FiloPasty I read something similar about the power of habits. That pointed out that habits form a web - you link one thing to another etc. To break a habit, you need to break the web. My habit web was to wait for 6pm, pour a glass of wine, get a dish of nuts, sit on left side of sofa, turn on the news and drink... So first I changed the drink to something AF and I sat in a different chair. Gradually the other bits fell away by themselves. It's no longer a set time, I don't always have any sort of drink, I rarely watch the news. In the book I read, you started gently by breaking other habits. For example, if you usually drank coffee, you might go a day without coffee. Or you'd use a different supermarket or walk to work instead of using the bus. Or you'd drive by a different route or eat something you'd never eaten. The idea was that you'd train yourself to realize that things don't have to stay the same. You don't have to do something just because you've always done it. I've found this very useful for all sorts of things including giving up smoking - and drinking, of course.

I'm engaging with Turning Point in hope of a home detox. I'm done with it. It serves no positive purpose anymore.I want to be a smug tee-totaller. I don't want it in my life anymore.

Good luck @shrunkenhead Im still waiting for my phone conversation with our local alcohol service, once I referred myself online I’ve now waited nearly 3 weeks for an appointment. In which time I’ve actually got started myself fingers crossed.