Support thread for those trying to lead an alcohol free life - Autumn 25

[Lavrander]

Hello and welcome!

This thread is for anyone who is genuinely trying to live an alcohol-free life. It was first set up by @drybird and has grown into a safe, supportive space to share thoughts, ask advice, swap experiences, or simply check in as we give up and keep off the booze.

There’s no judgment here – just kindness and encouragement. Whether you post every day, once in a while, or just read along quietly, you’re part of the group. Many of us have found this thread invaluable, whether brand new to abstaining or years into AF life.

Wherever you are on the journey, someone here will have been there too. Don’t be shy about posting – we love celebrating successes of all shapes and sizes, and we’ll support you through the tougher times as well.

The only thing we ask is that your aim is complete abstinence. If your goal is moderation, there’s an a long-running thread for that in this board that will be a better fit for you. That doesn't mean that slips don't happen, and we'll support you in picking yourself back up and carrying on, cheering you on as you do.

Living alcohol-free isn’t always easy in today’s world, but it is absolutely worth it. And you don’t have to do it alone – we’re here to help each other realise just how good AF life can be.

Not Guilty and Bon Voyage are both drinkable AF whites, and both available on Amazon. Tesco stocks Not Guilty too. Erdinger beer is often available in pubs, and is as near to the real thing as I've found. I rarely find that pubs keep AF wine, which is odd, considering the fact that many customers will be driving. I begrudge spending £££ on fake gin, as the cost of the real thing is mostly tax, so why a bottle of flavoured water should cost the thick end of £30 is beyond me.

Skulking back in slightly shamefaced. Currently 8 days AF after my merry go round of stopping drinking -feeling great and then every time slipping back to “I can moderate now’.
I’ve done days, weeks and even a couple of months AF. Had an AF Xmas last year which was amazing but ended up drinking again. I can’t moderate and tick every box on high risk drinking. I just seem to taper off working on staying sober and slip back. I’ve read quit lit and even used a sobriety coach. I just need a kick up the bum to work on sobriety longer term. I’ve definitely made progress in that I don’t drink for long before I stop again and I didn’t drink as much. And now I’m on day 8 AF.
i need to find strategies to commit longer term and put practical measures in to manage my trigger time-always in the evening after work.
Any wise words from others who have done this merry go round of misery? I’m hoping to be more chipper in future posts!

Just realised I’m actually day 9 AF. Have an app and didn’t check before I posted. So double figures tomorrow. Which is a bit of good news!

My tips but I’m only on day 60, from the get go I decided I was going to do a year, realistically I don’t think I can/should ever drink again because I also know I can’t moderate. At the moment it’s just firsts, first month, first holiday, first party, now looking at the first Christmas. I’ve no idea why this time is clicked but I’m really worried about being healthy and the damage I’ve already done to myself.

Things that help
Try Dry App
0% options have helped loads
When I get the itch I opened a 0% I think just the ritual of having the drink even alcohol free is helpful in terms of winding down
To start if you need cake, chocolate, crisps, take away… just do it it won’t last

Bonus things to look forward to
Better sleep
Clearer headed
lose weight - I’ve lost a stone in 2 months
less anxiety

Hope that helps @Carpetburn sure there are other things to add :) you’ve got this

Morning
I recognise that 'I can moderate now' feeling - I'm having it a lot at the moment.
Tips from me:
keeping posting here. Having done merry go rounds I think having a regular practice of checking in here keeps you focused.
Related - write it down. Quit lit is good but I also thoroughly recommend the 30 day challenge from the Naked Mind (an app- it's free). Similar to your sobriety coach maybe but doing it again helps.
Commit to never (or at least change the language you're using) - if you're only saying things like longer term it's leaving a gap for your brain to tell you that you've reached it.

I'm wondering about special AF drinks especially for Christmas - realistically I think they'll sit in the cupboard but also I think it's best to have things to hand that replace what everyone else is having. Looking into the AF amaretto and things like that to make sure I always have an equivalent.

Anyone into cross stitch? I'm going to give it a try.. but I don't want to buy from Amazon and there isn't a sewing shop locally.

@Carpetburn

I am also on day 9 too, will officially hit day ten this evening. I am a walking disaster as every 2 weeks now without fail I drink. It was every week though and previously it was like every 3 days. So progress is being made. Occasionally manage a month or two. Currently stuck in the 2 week cylce. Sorry for no good advise really, I just reward myself for each sober day and looking at my try dry app shows me I have had so many more sober days then drunk ones. Like 4 drinking days in 6 weeks, which although have always ended in catastrophic events and 'head in the oven' post drink feelings... is still huge progress.

We just have to keep trying not to drink and not give up when we lapse.

Solidarity and courage to you lovely 🥰

Morning all.
I think in the end longer term sobriety comes down to an attitude shift. You come to believe that your sobriety is a beautiful, fragile thing (as are we all) which needs preserving, and that a life sober is much better than a life drinking,

This is really, really hard to do! Not helped by societal pressures, Big Alcohol, 20-30 years of believing the opposite, “friends”, and the human tendency to mess things up,

For me it was probably quit lit that made a big difference- I would re-read my favourites from time to time to refocus.
Also understanding and trying to deal with some of the issues that made me drink - Sunshine, Warm, Sober by Catharine Gray is brilliant for this.
I was also lucky that running became a passion - I know that isn’t possible for everyone, but some form of absorbing activity, physical if possible, helps you create a new identity
And keep posting here! Community makes a difference

Thanks for all the advice everyone. It’s much appreciated. I’ve tried to put some tasks/plans in for my trigger times as often find if I can get past 7 the feeling passes. I’ve started a 30 day challenge and am watching the videos every day which helps. When I get to 30 maybe I will then focus on the next 30!
Have been having wild dreams-feels like my brain is switching back on although my anxiety has been a bit full on. But nothing compared to the crushing anxiety I feel with even a couple of drinks. Aging as a woman isn’t for the weak but HRT helping. Will check in tonight. Hope everyone had a good day.

I also had WILD dreams I think it’s a good sign :)

Good morning shipmates.

Hope you are having a good morning. Disturbed sleep last night (Sid too), but no drinking. Love to everyone who is finding the cravings so hard at the moment.

I somehow managed to have shed 4.5lbs according to Slimming World last night, so that was a bit of a boost. Next sticker/certificate will be for 4.5 stones lost, but am a bit of a way off that. I got my 4 stone award but put a fair bit back on and b~gg~red about with drinking relapses, which didn't help. Back on track now though. The last time I had anything was finishing off a glass of vodka instead of pouring it down the sink. It wasn't even a full glass. I was instantly and copiously sick (apologies if TMI) - it's the way it goes for us all, in the end. A subtle creep into physical intolerance and internal organ failures. Hopefully stopped in time. A lesson I was grateful to receive though.

I did cross-stitch @Lavrander - and still have some kits on the go. It's a great way to keep the mind and fingers occupied and have something lovely to show at the end of it. I do tapestry more nowadays. I used to have a Saturday job in a little tapestry/cross-stitch shop. Closed now sadly. There are lots of independent places where you can buy kits - Patterns - Cross Stitch - DMC, Cross Stitch, Long Stitch & Tapestry Kits | Bothy Threads, All Charts/Kits are just some, plenty more out there without needing to put more pennies into Jeff Bezos' greasy pockets. Also, you can buy cross-stitch magazines, often with little free kits attached, with articles, patterns and ads for other independent suppliers. I once cross-stitched all my Christmas cards. It pleased the recipients but not something I'm intending to repeat, hehe. Some of the magazines could be 'interesting' though. There is computer software available where you can turn your own images and photos into cross-stitch patterns, tells you which silks you need and everything. I remember the letters page of one of the mags - a lady had made a giant cross-stitch picture from a photograph of a pop star and waited backstage after a gig to present it to him. She sent a picture of this in to the magazine. H from Steps. He looked terrified.

Strength and courage to you all. xx

I'm not sure my way into long term sobriety is helpful but we've moved house and extended our mortgage. It means I can not afford to drink....

I can't afford to drink health wise, parent wise either, but reminding myself that I can't do this any more has been very helpful!

I've just hit £1000 saved on the TryDry app!
I'm sure it will be more than that has a household because DH has cut down massively too.
Dont ask me where the money is though..

That's brilliant @Lavrander 🙂 That's a LOT of 14-count aida for your cross-stitching! 😉x

So many great tips on here this morning - it's understanding the 'why' and filling the gap left in the evening which I am struggling with, particularly now the evenings are dark early. I start small projects and very quickly lose interest. I am reading all ideas and suggestions avidly. The why is a big one that I have to solve help myself. Thanks all for sharing x

@Swimfreak

Same. And I'm getting so friking depressed about not working. Did read yesterday that there were often as many as 100 other nurses applying for the jobs though so felt slightly better that it was just a personal me thing. It is shit though.

Honestly feel like wandering the streets asking randoms if they want to pay me to look after them. Loosing my mind. Scared I am going to drink this weekend. Really fucking scared

I will get through today. Today I will not drink. Just cant look any futher then this right now. But on a positive felt like this yesterday and kind of said to myself I could have a drink today. And now I'm doing it today about tomorrow... Hopefully can keep that up and get through the weekend and onto greener pastures.

I of course never want to drink again. I am just feeling so fuckong bored of myself and my life!

@Swimfreak - understanding the "why" can be a big thing and very helpful. For me, the why has been a back-catalogue of things. But for some of us, it can be very hard to pinpoint a specific "why" - a look, word or gesture from years ago. Or maybe even no definitive "why" - it's just something in our make-up or DNA that means we find it hard to stop after just a couple of sips. I can echo @Onewildandpreciouslife in recommending the books of Catherine Gray (Unexpected Joy... and Sunshine Warm Sober) and Clare Pooley (Mummy was a Secret Drinker blog/The Sober Diaries). I hope you are able to find meaning and peace for yourself.

I know it's scary @Becky3825 - it won't always be like this, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Probably best not to patrol the streets looking for randoms though - you might get a few unintended 😉, er, "acceptances"! (I've been watching the Zara McDermott Thailand documentary - £10 for a full night some of those girls charge, poor things). Is there any agency or bank shift work that you can get in the meantime? Fight the cravings with all you've got. Honestly, you don't want that great job offer to come pinging on your phone when you're laid out post-session on Monday morning; there's every chance it might, and then you'd feel even more wretched. It will be alright. You are doing so, so well. Just one day more. It will be OK. You can do it. xx

Love you @REP22 🥲

I am stuck in an endless cycle (work wise and drink wise!). I have to have at least 6 months of post registration experience to join the bank or agencies. I am considering selling feet pictures on Only Fans but honestly, the administration alone of it all puts me off! 🤣

Where is this 'close to death' Elderly gentleman who will leave all his worldy possessions and huge estate in his last will and testament to me ?

Maybe gumtree? 😉

Bumtree, more like. That sort of scenario would also often involve being a botty-wiper and possible dementia-carer, with his children who are the same age as you and fight you every step of the way. 'Tis not the utopian dream it might seem.

I know you were being light-hearted, and I reply in the same spirit. But I have actually seen this happen with a former work colleague of my late DDad's. No angry kids in that case (that I know of), but he was in his early 80s and took up very intensely very quickly with someone in her 40s. We'd known for years that all was not well with him, but she overlooked it all. Gave up her life and moved away with him. They're less than a year in and he is far, far into dementia - paranoid, delusional and, sadly, occasionally violent. She's got nothing except what he "controls" and is stuck with him in a remote rural location. Awful. But she'd been privy to the clear early signs and warnings. Very sad on many levels.

Or, to offer another word of caution for those planning such a "wealth plan" - just one word. "Melania". [shudder....]. Tweezers on standby on the nightstand. 🤢

No need to shill your pretty self to the sordid whims of the desperate, @Becky3825 sweetie. You've got many talents and gifts to get better and get free and fabulous all on your own merits. Keep at it. 💐❤️ x

@Becky3825 hang in there and keep posting ,- you've kept me going with support - we can do this!
@REP22 thankyou for your support - there are things in my past that were really challenging, but I know I try and pretend they didn't happen. To the outside world I'm now in a great place and no-one - friends or family - would believe I was struggling so much right now. Hopefully if I can get on top of this they never will!
Currently in pyjamas, car keys and credit cards upstairs to minimise the chance of giving in. @Lavrander I'm sure I've got a cross stitch kit somewhere that I never started ,,- I must search it out and give it a go.
Have a good evening all x

I’m ambivalent about the counting game. I’ve been sober for 5 months, but in that time I’ve drunk alcohol on 14 occasions - sometimes half a glass, sometimes a small glass (of wine). I’ve never drunk more than once in any week. And strangely it did nothing for me, it could’ve been Coke. I don’t know if that means I can moderate, I don’t know whether that means I ought to be off this thread. I do know I feel a damn site better than when I was sinking two bottles a night and I do know I don’t “need” or think about drinking at all. So I feel conflicted. Am I “dry” strictly speaking NO. Have I been sober 5 months? YES. But I will keep trying not to drink. So I will keep reading these uplifting posts and Damn well try for my next target - first sober Christmas for 48 years (I’m 70)…

The thing is that anyone who thinks they need to moderate/can they moderate etc will always fail.

People who don't have a problem with drink and can easily have a drink and then not think about it for days/weeks etc. don't try to moderate because they don't need to. Drink just doesn't feature that much in their lives.

But for everybody who has been a heavy drinker, moderation is nigh on impossible.

I too am approaching my first Christmas and holiday in the sun which will be AF and a first for well over 42 years. It is making me anxious. But I know I won't succumb as I simply can't due to the oral cancer experience I suffered in the Summer. It's just another first that has to be ticked off that list and experienced.

There is a lot about moderation in Alcohol Explained and how for most heavy drinkers once you've got to that point it's incredibly difficult to pull back from it. For me it just genuinely isn't worth the risk - I'll forever be chasing the high and if I want to kid myself that it's just about taste then there are plenty of AF alternatives that will do me fine.

Thank you for the cross stitch recommendations.

@Becky3825boredom is my major trigger also. It is, however, much better to be bored than hungover and all the associated emotions that come with it.

I do sometimes ponder about an alternative universe where I'd got in early on the feet pics or only fans train - but... yeesh.. I don't think I want that side of human nature opened up to me.

@REP22 Melania does indeed make me shudder, poor woman. 2lb off tonight so I’m now 11.5lb down since I started SW. and I think I lost 7lb the first week I stopped drinking before I started. Getting v close to my next sticker :)

Hope a job is coming soon @Becky3825 im pretty bored too, should exercise but might get a jigsaw out if the cupboard. Used to drink doing that too so another first.