Continuing support thread for those trying to live an alcohol free life - summer 2025

[Onewildandpreciouslife]

Hello and welcome. I’m glad you’ve found your way here. We are a bunch of people who are trying to give up and keep off alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness.

The original thread was started by @drybird in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans and newer members who can offer advice and signposting. You are welcome here, whether you post several times a day, once or twice and then never again, or if you just come to read but have no intention of ever posting.

Whatever your stage on the AF journey, and whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love to celebrate your successes of whatever shape and size - and will support you when things get challenging. We get it, we've been there too.

All we ask is that you’re genuinely trying to abstain completely . If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quitting it altogether then MN has another long-running and very active moderation thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board. Lots of fine support there if that is your aim. That doesn’t mean that none of us has ever slipped, or that you can’t post here if you do - all we ask is that you are genuinely trying to stop drinking alcohol completely.

It’s not easy to be sober, but it is so, so worth it. Your alcohol-free life can be better than you ever dreamed. Come on in.

@CuddlesKovinsky I watched it too - fantastic! I used to play in orchestras and it made me quite tearful remembering the good times. I thought the conductor was terrific too and so expressive.

Hello all,

I've not been on for ages. I do lurk but don't often post.

My app tells me I'm 1302 days AF (last drink was February 2022) and for the most part life is very calm and simple.

I had a large family party yesterday, looked forward to it for weeks, bought us all new frocks (well new shirt for DS) but it was just horrid.

It was a lovely hired venue, outside space was fab and weather even blessed us but I found being in a space with so many people drinking really, really difficult. There was kids and a few non drinkers so I shouldn't have felt so isolated but I did.

I didn't want to drink, my zero % beers were lovely and hit the spot for me. I don't even usually care about other people drinking either? It was just a weird mix of seeing all my nearest and dearest get gradually more pissed, en masse, all at the same time. Everyone was on their best behaviour, there was no dramas or anything like that. I just felt a bit panicked by it and yes a bit disgusted. I could see people becoming louder, more "confident" but also more restless (popping out to smoke / people bouncing from conversation to conversation) and it made my blood boil. I felt like when the children won't sit still at the dinner table? You would be talking to someone but they weren't really present? It's very hard to explain! I could literally see the effects of the alcohol in real time.

We left about 9pm, so I lasted 4 hours. Not sure how messy it got or late it went on but I was so relieved to get home.

It's been 3.5 years and I've now realised I probably won't ever be comfortable in large party situations. Luckily these sort of gatherings are very few and far between so I don't have to navigate them often.

Thank you for allowing me to drop in unannounced and vent. I know you guys will get it ❤️

Welcome @postcard. We must have stopped around the same time. I'm on day 68.

Good to see so many active Saturdays even if that hasn't translated to clear and happy minds. Alcohol messes with brain chemistry so it will play tricks on us and make us horrors, plus all the hormones we contend with.

@CuddlesKovinskythats reminded me of a couple of occasions I've felt a presence and a shock awake that's stayed with me. I didn't know it had a name. Shudder.

Trying to be kinder to husband who was hungover yesterday. The drinking is such a turn off though. I relate to the chattiness. I do try to be nice but urgh shut up! Serenity prayer serenity prayer serenity prayer.

Good luck on the run today @EastCoastDamsel. I'm sure the atmosphere will be spectacular so enjoy it.

Morning all.
Hi @Crunchymum . Good to see you. Vent away! It’s bloody hard. I hate how much alcohol is the centre of everything. Although it is quite funny when friends try to get into drunken arguments with me - it’s really easy to run rings round drunk people

Good to see you again @Crunchymum, and well done on 1302 days (or is it 1303 now?)😎

Not much happening here today, but I have a busy week ahead, starting with a long lunch tomorrow with friends who will both be drinking a lot as they aren’t driving. They will split the bill, too, which is starting to annoy me. I don’t mind at all if people split a round of drinks and I’m just on soda water, but when it’s gin while we order, a bottle of wine or two with the food then one for the road it really adds up. After eight years it’s not a one off either.

Morning all.

I have no urge to drink even though my house has been pulled to bits. My main bathroom is without fittings whilst the DS tiles the floor. He denies knowing the estate agent is booked for tomorrow.
The dog has peed in the hall
And I have a room no one has used for over a year full of boxed toys. They need to go in the garage and I can't lift the skin off a milk pudding.

I read in the paper yesterday that Lulu is an alcoholic. It's in her new book. I've never met her although one of my employers use to make her skincare. I know she use to bite people's heads off. Not a jolly soak then.

I gave some advice on the 'do I drink too much' thread.

More boxes for me

@ShyMaryEllen In that case, I'd insist on just paying for my own stuff. In fact, I always prefer to do that. I don't see why I should subsidise anyone else's lobster, or why anyone else should subsidise me. I understand it's supposed to be easier to split the bill but I find it easy to tot up what I've ordered anyway.

Hello @Crunchymum good to see you and congrats.

@ShyMaryEllen i bloody hate it when people take the mick. We had one friend who use to pay for their own but not any service charge. The same woman who took her butter home from a lunch.
When I gave up drinking she disappeared along with another one who drank two bottles of champagne at my birthday party and never paid a bean. Her 16 year old daughter was also fond of ordering fillet steak at a 'quick pasta lunch' and of course we were to split the bill. The final time she did it I said no I'll just pay for my coke and risotto. Never saw the woman again.

@ShyMaryEllen this has been going on for 8 years you say? Blimey!! You have to speak up though, its not fair.

I don't have much of a social life but when I do go out with friends we either split the bill (if the drinkers have only had one or two drinks, I find the AF alternative can be nearly as expensive 🙄) or if there are bottle/s of wine or several drinks my lovely friends take the alcohol off and then we then split the bill.

I'm too old and too grumpy and too skint to subsidise other people's boozing!

@Crunchymum , I get it. 🤗 There's something that happens to the atmosphere in a drinky event, isn't there... all that noise and energy and no real connection at all... people who think they're being their best self, being anything but... (my own mental ShameFlix is stuffed with episodes from that long-running drama 🙈)...

@Lavrander my DH doesn't seem to get hangovers - I sometimes wish he would, to slow him down a bit - but I can definitely tell his mood is down the next day - anxious and snappy. But when I also drink, I have little defence against that, I over-react and join in - sober, I feel steadier and stronger and I can shut that shizzle down before it starts.

Day 7 here and the sleep is starting to pay off... But Shipmates, the dreams!!! Technicolour, bug-eyed fright-fests of pure horror... I'm actually quite intrigued by them, what happens in the brain as it rewires and heals... what the mind forages in the day, and what it does with it by night... the algorithm of my subconscious... 😵‍💫

I've known these people since our teens, which were a while ago now 😀. I think it would be too much of a statement to insist on paying my own share now. Over the years people have been pregnant, driving, whatever and not had a drink sometimes, and as far as I can remember we've always split the bill. When I stopped drinking it didn't seem to register, and I didn't mind splitting, but after so long (and now that nobody is getting up for work the next day) it does feel unbalanced, as I rarely have more than one soda with ice - there's no incentive to have another, is there?

I doubt anyone is doing it on purpose, though. I've known people who do weigh up who will be paying and order accordingly so that they do better out of the deal (and yes, the one who pays just her bill and leaves the service charge!), but I don't think this is like that. It's wearing though - maybe as I'd quite like to join in 😉.

Morning all.
Back to work today. Bit glum that my travel plans didn’t work out, but will just have to make the best of it.

Have been loving following the women’s rugby World Cup - in a lot of interviews with the Red Roses they use the expression “where your feet are” in the sense of: this is where you are, how do you deal with that. Don’t spend energy thinking about how you would deal with being somewhere else. Helpful, I think

Morning.
Nice expression - v visual. I am sorry about the big trip. I hope it is indeed just postponed.

Made a sticky toffee pudding yesterday. It did not serve 10-12 people.

Morning all.
House valuation today. We're not ready.

Feeling awful about it but have no choice due to our current mortgage deal.

Guys, I'm completely overwhelmed - too much to do. Having a couple more hours in the evening and a clearer head in the morning isn't a magic cure-all 😂😂... 😭

Not ready for a valuation, or not ready to move?

I am heading off for lunch soon. I woke at sparrowfart this morning, and couldn't get back to sleep. I would be delighted if someone messaged to say it is cancelled, but that's most unlikely. It looks like rain, too😢

@Crunchymum I was also just thinking that I don't think I'll be doing parties going forward.

@taylorean I've just been making my gearing up to new term to do list and I feel quite paralysed. I literally waste time like a rabbit in the headlights. I'm really hoping the extra sober hours will somehow make it all doable but not over-confident about that. I just hope the overwhelm doesn't drive me to drink (as usual...).

Day 11.

I’ve had no time for posting on here due to school hols. OMG, I am so glad they are back!!!!

I’ve passed the 8month mark. Woop Woop.

Ah @elusivehope I’ve been wondering about you and the onslaught of the new academic term looming. I don’t think I ever got back to your post long ago. I’m prof services on my third Russell group beast. So, not an academic myself but intimately acquainted with the pressures of your job! I hope you’re not too harsh on yourself. You’ve been trying hard. It’s one bump in a very long road.

when I joined this group in Jan, @REP22 was the OP. She was (and is) a very wise counsel not a stranger to a blip either. I am lucky not to have had one of those but i haven’t ruled it out. @mumzof4x has also been a great champion of the return! I Hope reminding you guys is not a trigger but meant to be praise!!!

I got really pissed off with my alcoholic mother recently. I know she’s a total letdown and unreliable but I was struck just by how bothered I was. She was meant to come and visit me and the kids for lunch a few days ago. She clearly got wasted the night before and got up the next day and couldn’t face it. Par for the course. Why not say so, apologise and cancel? I had texted her that morning and knew she had read it. She called in the evening (I dont answer the phone to her after 3pm because she will have been drinking) and left a drunken message about being ill. 🙄 total bollocks.

I am reminded of the thread ‘this is what the end looks like’ highlighted by @REP22 and sadly expect my sister and I to be dealing with something like that in the not too distant future. Alcohol is an addictive substance and ought to be treated as such. It rewires your brain. My mother’s self-loathing and inability to face life for the last 30 odd years has ruined the majority of her relationships. I have no respect for her and don’t want her to be a part of my life but I gave her a window into that of my children - to try and be less judgemental and for them to form their own opinions- but she doesn’t want it. She’d rather stew in her own juices and lament the relationships she’s been denied with her other GCs.

i think I was on the tipping point of not caring with my drinking. The feeling of not being in control was what made me quit. I absolutely could have turned into her. As much as I try and understand alcoholism, I just have no sympathy for her. I don’t understand. But clearly feel some sort of guilt - and peeved at that. There is nothing I can do about it. It’s all about choice and some are much harder to make. Strength and courage all.

House valuation done

Hi @SmellyMe and all, thank you for the kind words. It's comforting to hear others confirm that academia is stressful, ha. Even though I know that what I really need to change is the way I deal with stress. Because so many of us have stressful things going on in our lives... the problem lies in the way I've latched onto alcohol as a coping mechanism.

@aterriblefish I completely identify when you say, I'm also gearing up for October term and uni teaching. Term is full on and tends to drive me to drink - but then everything drives me to drink...

Yeah, the uni term hasn't even started yet and I'm struggling. I had to run a seminar at a summer school last week and I was still feeling physically unwell. I ended up drinking before the seminar, in the morning. 😥No, it didn't help.

I then found out on Friday (partly by chance) that a hearing had just taken place in the US regarding the guardianship of my mother (who has brain damage/dementia). I panicked because my mother is in a very vulnerable position and I hadn't realised this hearing was even happening. I have two siblings, who both live in the US: DB (currently listed as my mother's legal guardian) is now homeless and addicted to meth, and DSis stopped speaking to me about 15 years ago when I intervened to stop her elder abuse of my mother. Messy situation = understatement.

I ended up emailing my sister about our mother and our brother. The email was as calm and gentle as I could make it. I was sober when I sent it. I didn't expect her to reply, because she has been NC with me for so long. This morning I woke up, and she had replied. The first time I've heard from her in 15 years. She said she was willing to take over guardianship of my mother, and that she would not remove my mother from the care home where she has been living happily. (This was the sticking point before - DSis kept literally abducting DM from the care home because 'she needs to live with family', but would then leave her on her own for extended periods despite her having the mental capacity of a small child and needing round-the-clock medical care.) In the email my DSis acknowledged that she doesn't have the capacity to work full-time, look after her own DC and give proper care to our DM, so the care home is the best option. (This is exactly what DB and I said to her 15 years ago that made her so angry, but never mind!)

Anyway, I didn't mean to go into so much detail, but this is a better outcome than I ever could have dreamed of.

So yes, I'm happy. On the other hand, today I can't stop crying. It is so strange to hear from a sibling I haven't heard from in so long. It was like a bereavement, and I'd sort of made my peace with it. And now I just feel this enormous sadness. I'm not even sure why. I guess it's the expression of all those years of pent-up grief. It's not that I'm invested in the idea of having a relationship with my DSis again because she has always been a fucking lunatic TBH. But it's a huge weight off my mind that she has expressed willingness to have a dialogue with me about our mother's situation, especially now that DB has disappeared into the netherworld of active addiction. DH wasn't happy that I was crying and told me I should just be happy about this amazing reconnection with my DSis. I just told him, please don't tell me not to feel my feelings. And he was taken aback, but said OK. The thing is, I don't want to drink over this. I'm sick and tired of numbing all my feelings with alcohol all the time, whether the feelings are good or bad or mixed. I want to be sober and strong even if I'm weepy.

Sorry I'm being a bit intense 😳I promise to be more chilled tomorrow. This is day 2 for me btw. Yes, I'm trying again.

Bravo to all of you for doing so well despite the challenges. I'm particularly impressed by @Becky37 and the other runners!

@WendyWagon sending you all the positive vibes I can about the house valuation!

@Onewildandpreciouslife what a shame about your trip. I hope you heal well and are running again before too long.

@taylorean I recognise the feelings of overwhelm. Sometimes our expectations of how much we can do really ARE unrealistic, and something's gotta give.

@SmellyMe that sounds so enormously difficult with your mum. You are brave and courageous to have deliberately chosen to follow a different path. 💐

I need to keep trying to chase DM's court-appointed attorneys in the US, but I'm going to leave that till tomorrow. Onwards and upwards!

Morning shipmates.

@elusivehope thinking of you.

I'm non contact with my sister. A very long story. She is a bully and physically hurt me as a child.
I'm one of four and the others didn't really contribute to my parents care. My sister even went on holiday delaying my father's funeral.
My sister thought he left money, he didn't. I was accused of all sorts. Her behaviour towards me came to a head when her DIL gave my address to my stalker (he has a VAPO). Why they were discussing my business I have no idea. I was so distraught by her hatred my alcoholism went to another level. I gave up drinking after my December 29th argument with her. Just over a week later I was sober. I didn't want her to be able to say I was an old drunk.
Blood doesn't necessarily make them your friend. I feel huge sadness I have a sister I don't see. However she's not a nice person.
I do see her DC and my niece helps with my care and the house.

I have a care call today then the BFF is coming for lunch.
I've not put an offer in on the farmhouse yet as I need to go lower due to our valuation. It's still been a good buy here.

Morning all.
Day 14 for me today and getting more into this. Keep telling myself I’ve done this before and I can do it again.
Bit sad I know, but my daily mantra for today is:;
Each step I take is strength.
Each breath I take is freedom.
I am steady, I am calm, I am moving forward.”
Sending hugs to@elusivehope and sending kind thoughts strength and peace to all x

@elusivehope I have a spookily similar drama going on. Monday morning, settled to do some overall planning before PG Exam board - but woke to 40 messages from sibs (DS & DB) arguing over mother's care (she has dementia). Situation is massively complicated by brother's situation - they're all in the US. I try to picture one of those window cleaning squidgy things wiping my mind clear of this stuff. I'm on the edge with my brother - he makes me so angry. It's a complicated situation all round and one other people find very difficult to understand.

I get the tears over your sister. But these situations are very hard for others to get their head around - when feelings are often more difficult than others expect.

You really don't get to choose your family. I'm sure many alcoholics share stories like these. @WendyWagon good for you - protecting yourself.

So - let's see if I can not stop at the shop on the way home and pick up wine/gin (probably both...). I read a good habit - just never go shopping after about 2 pm.

Morning, can I join please? I’m on day 8 after drinking nearly a bottle of wine a night for years (more at weekends). So far I’ve been ok but today and yesterday I’m extremely tired - getting way more sleep than I used to before but my body is just so so lethargic. Last night I had a full 9 hours sleep and still am struggling today! Is this normal and how long does this last??

Thanks for tips on staying calm and clearing the mind. I've got a big worry at the moment and I'm a worrier so I've had a bad night with my thoughts going round and round, getting darker and darker. I feel sick and restless this morning but will try to be active and get outside. Strangely, the worry doesn't prompt me to drink. However, a couple of days ago a few very good things happened and I felt great - and that was the closest I've come to beng tempted to have a drink. What possible harm could a drink do when I felt so invincible? Luckily, I distracted myself and didn't drink. With worry, I think I know that drink would just make it worse. I'd obliterate the worry for a bit and it would come back to bite me. I'm trying to remind myself of previous worries and how they turned out ok in the end but it's hard not to catastrophise. I am taking deep breaths and hoping things improve.