Yellow eyes and skin

[Bunny2607]

Evening all
i’m posting to see if anyone has experience with what might happen next here please.
i share a son with my ex and he goes to see ex once a week overnight. I called round to ex’s house earlier to drop some things off for my son and his eyes and skin were yellow, he was glowing. I said to him you need to get checked out but he said its just because he is tired.
he does have an alcohol problem although wont admit it. It was the reason i left him when son was little. He just can’t leave it alone. He was in hospital approx 4yrs ago with pancreatitis and was told then by the doctors never to drink again but he hasn’t listened.
so now today has come and he is yellow, he said he’s been like it a couple of days. I’ve urged him to get checked out and said it could be his liver or pancreas, and sent a screenshot from the nhs website saying to seek urgent medical attention if you have yellow eyes but he said he will see how he is in a few days.
my question is, I’m assuming he is yellow because of how much he drinks but what is his body doing? If he sought medical attention what is the answer to fix the jaundice is it medication or antibiotics? If he doesn’t seek medical attention how serious is it? I know nobody can diagnose over the internet and i will keep telling him to get medical attention but i’m also trying to work out what might happen to prepare myself with my son as well. Before when he had pancreatitis he was in hospital a month so if this happens again i obviously need to manage my son who has autism and is used to seeing his dad every week. Obviously i am concerned for his dad but also trying to plan for my son.
thanks in advance x

Needing to drain fluid from his stomach does sound a lot like ascites. The shortness of breath and being told to avoid salty food reinforces that.

His liver is undoubtedly in a very bad state. The liver is amazing at putting up with all sorts of abuse right up until the moment when it can't any more and at that point you're in serious trouble. The long term prognosis for someone who has alcohol-induced ascites is not good. It's something like a 50% chance of making it to two years.

If he improves enough to be able to make it out of hospital, and that's far from guaranteed, then it is very likely that if he ever drinks again it will kill him. I'd love to be able to tell you that it'll all be fine but I can't see that it would help to lie to you. This is very, very serious. I really hope for you, and your DS's sake, your ex finally takes to heart just how close he is to killing himself.

@JaquiRussell I've just watched Rain In My Heart. My god, that was heart-breaking.

Evening all

Well the shit covered bedding has all been wrestled into numerous bin bags as one big bundle. I used a Stanley knife to take up a big area of blood soaked carpet. My Sis and I both eyed the lounge ceiling (under the bedroom) thinking the blood may have soaked down, but luckily no sign of it.

So here I am, at home, alone. So very much still to do. I'm not despairing - I feel rather numb. Not cried much.

Bunny I have a few questions I'd appreciate your direction on - or anyone else's for that matter. I haven't heard from Coroner so can't proceed , his car insurance expires 30th March (I don't drive)........... should I continue car insurance? How do I dispose of car legally????

I know I'll get through this, but at the moment I feel overwhelmed. I don't miss him yet - I got used to his absence when he was in hospital for 6 weeks last November +. And he was pretty unpleasant a lot of the time in latter months. Years.

Sorry I'm unloading again. Thanks for listening.

Sending a gentle hug. You have tackled the first few things. You can do the next bits one bit at a time.

Have you eaten?

@BMW6 please keep posting on here if it helps. We are listening.

Is learning to drive an option for you?

Thank you @HowardTJMoon i do keep googling to try educate and prepare myself but its helpful hearing things from others who are in the know. I did message my ex to say you don’t sound in a good way and do i need to be preparing DS that things may not go back how they were. I think he’s in denial as he said to me he will be going back to work and its just a case of him needing to build his strength back up as he is so weak and malnourished. Surely thats not the case!

@BMW6 happy to help where i can, it will depend what sort of car you have and where you plan on selling it as to how easy it is. The insurance might extend it another month if you explain the circumstances just to give you time to decide what to do. If its a sort of “average” car you might find somewhere like we buy any car or a local dealer will just buy it off you. If its a more expensive car then they might want probate and you might need to sort the finance out if there is any.

i wouldn’t try do too much too soon, if you are overwhelmed perhaps make a list of things to do to clear your mind and then you can work through one by one. All i would focus on at the moment is obtaining the death certificate or interim one, arranging the funeral and getting your DH’s Will back if its held by a solicitor and if he has one. Everything else came be dealt with in time.

@Bunny2607 his pancreas may be in trouble as well, which would lead to rapid weight loss (that might be masked by the swelling).
As he’s off the alcohol and getting medication to help, he may be feeling a lot better and more optimistic about the future. The real challenge will be not starting to drink again. And that is a massive challenge. He will almost certainly need support. If he’s willing to accept it.

@Darker he was hospitalised in 2020 with pancreatitis caused by excessive alcohol and was told then never to drink again. He lasted about 6 months before he started again. So i did wonder about that and whether his pancreas would be impacted by whats going on now as it was damaged last time.

Apparently they have drained 4 litres of fluid from my ex. Sounds a hell of a lot to me does anyone know what the average is? Like obviously i know his health is in a bad way but is 4 litres of fluid bad in the scheme of things or is that a normal amount for someone in his position?

OP I feel for you. It's all so vague and impossible to predict. I had a friend who had ascites (which is what this fluid is) and she had it drained every now and then. That started in 2012 and then she died in 2020. She had also been coughing up blood every now and then during 2018 and 2019. She had stopped drinking in 2013 but had a couple of relapses. She needed a liver transplant but couldn't get one in time. She died at home after the hospital said there was nothing more they could do.

I remember in her last week's trying to understand it all and predict because no-one seemed to be able to give me a straight answer.

I have autoimmune hepatitis and the symptoms you describe sound a lot like liver cirrhosis. Alcohol is not the only cause of liver disease - there are non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, viral hepatitis, primary, billary congelitis (sp?) and the autoimmune kind that I have. I imagine his reluctance to seek attention is because he is feeling shamed. There is no shame in liver disease and the great thing is, the liver can repair itself if the cirrhosis has not gone too far. My liver is now completely normal and I am able to drink within normal limits with no negative effects. I also know people whose livers were too bad to self repair that are now living full, healthy lives after liver transplants. Please share this with your ex as it may help his thinking on the matter.

Thanks Bunny. Yes, sis and I drew up a list as you've suggested.
The car is only a Hyundai worth just over £3000 according to an Internet valuation. I don't want to drive.

I didn't hear from the Coroner this week which surprised me as the leaflet said they'd be in touch within a couple of days. I'm going to ring them Monday.

There's no will. House is held jointly, bank account joint, we're legally married and his share of our jointly held assets less than 200k, so probate should be straightforward.

Slept fine last night, house "feels" lovely and peaceful. Someone upthread asked if I was eating - I couldn't stop yesterday! Possibly comfort eating?

Sounds like your ex is in denial to others or himself about his illness. At least you are armed with knowledge and can be prepared for what may come - I'm so glad I knew already how DH might die, the horror would have been overwhelming.

if you dont sell it @BMW6 you will need some sort of insurance in case of theft/fire

@BMW6 if you can get someone to drive the car to We Buy Any Car you can sell it quickly before you need to renew the insurance.

I see, that makes sense, thanks. Perhaps the solution is to insure on a monthly basis until I can sell it.

@BMW6 I was numb for weeks afterwards. It's not unusual. The emotions will come. Be ready for anger - it's a hard one because you end up feeling guilty about it. Don't, it's valid and necessary.

Thanks @HowardTJMoon they ended up draining 4 litres, he sounds in a really bad way from what people on here and saying and from what I have researched. I do think he is at the point where if he drinks again he will be dead. I just don’t know if my son will be enough to make him stay sober.

@Hazel665 thank you. Its certainly been harder to deal with as he hasn’t been level with me. Do you know with ascites whether its a one off thing or does it come and go? It sounds from your post that it can come and go but what makes it come back is it if they start drinking again? I just despair i mean how much must you have to have been drinking to get yourself in this state. I actually went to my friends house last night and had a few drinks, i felt rough this morning i don’t know how you could feel like that everyday, although maybe they don’t get hangovers because their body is so used to it

Thank you @mugglewump i will mention this to my ex although in his case it is definitely caused by alcohol abuse unfortunately

@Bunny2607 If you are interested, there is a very good YouTube channel by LD (Liver Disease). He has a remarkable story of near death, ascites, pancreatitis, jaundice and was near death. He turned it around by stopping drinking and he just talks about his experiences both in and out of many hospital stays. He has helped many subscribers to quit alcohol.

I have a distant in law (cousin of DH) who is in the same boat, so I had an interest and followed the channel for a while. Cousin is doing OK now also having stopped alcohol. He is never going to be the person he was ten years ago. But where there's life there's hope.

Well I think if you can stop drinking and your liver is still in a position to be able to repair itself, the ascites might not come back. But if your liver is not so great, then it will keep happening and you would have to keep having it drained...

Hi everyone
so my ex is coming home tomorrow 😳 he is all skin and bone, his arms and legs are like sparrows legs. we went to see him again last night and he had some socks on, he is so thin the sock was baggy around his leg at the bottom. his stomach was also still swollen so not sure if the swelling/fluid has come back (they drained 4 litres last week) or whether they just didn’t drain it all to start with.
he said he is on 9 tablets a day and he also had an injection in his stomach while we were there last night, not sure what it was but i remember after my c section i had blood thinning injections so perhaps this as he is obviously in bed all day.
he is also seriously malnourished so having a special diet in hospital and got to drink these drinks which are full of protein and nutrients.
i asked what the plan with our son is going forward as I’m obviously not letting him go if ex is drinking. He said he has been told if he drinks again he will be dead so that is enough motivation for him to stop. He said he can’t even have alcohol free stuff. I don’t know how i police this but we will have to start slowly as ex is just weak and zero energy so he isn’t well enough to have my son for any length of time anyway.
so not sure what happens now 😳 i kind of feel like he won’t get better and resume
a normal life, i think this is a condition he will have for life now and its how he manages it?

Surely your son can’t visit without you until your ex is fully well enough to care for him? Which sounds like probably never.

I mean, aside from the pure safety risk — like, even if your ex’s partner was always present and focused enough to keep a child physically safe — I wouldn’t think it would be sort of emotionally safe to send him along?

I’d be worried about the risk of your child witnessing some sort of horrific collapse or even seeing his dad die and being permanently traumatised.

It sounds really awful and I’m very sorry for all of you who are affected by the situation.

Could you offer to reduce the his it's to maybe 1 to 2 hours to allow ex to rebuild his energy, reconsider time in a month or so.

Your ex is not well enough to care for him.

I would imagine that your ex won’t be up for more than short visits for a while. But those short visits need to be managed carefully for both their sakes.

Have you been able to speak with his partner?

Does your son get on with her?