Yellow eyes and skin

[Bunny2607]

Evening all
i’m posting to see if anyone has experience with what might happen next here please.
i share a son with my ex and he goes to see ex once a week overnight. I called round to ex’s house earlier to drop some things off for my son and his eyes and skin were yellow, he was glowing. I said to him you need to get checked out but he said its just because he is tired.
he does have an alcohol problem although wont admit it. It was the reason i left him when son was little. He just can’t leave it alone. He was in hospital approx 4yrs ago with pancreatitis and was told then by the doctors never to drink again but he hasn’t listened.
so now today has come and he is yellow, he said he’s been like it a couple of days. I’ve urged him to get checked out and said it could be his liver or pancreas, and sent a screenshot from the nhs website saying to seek urgent medical attention if you have yellow eyes but he said he will see how he is in a few days.
my question is, I’m assuming he is yellow because of how much he drinks but what is his body doing? If he sought medical attention what is the answer to fix the jaundice is it medication or antibiotics? If he doesn’t seek medical attention how serious is it? I know nobody can diagnose over the internet and i will keep telling him to get medical attention but i’m also trying to work out what might happen to prepare myself with my son as well. Before when he had pancreatitis he was in hospital a month so if this happens again i obviously need to manage my son who has autism and is used to seeing his dad every week. Obviously i am concerned for his dad but also trying to plan for my son.
thanks in advance x

Thank you @RampantIvy that’s a useful link. I am researching as much as i can to try understand what might happen next.

do you mind me asking if your SIL’s husband experienced jaundice and if so what happened next?

@Bunny2607 yes he did and several other unpleasant stuff. It wasn't pretty. He was told that he had cirrhosis of the liver and it was functioning at 20%. He also developed oesophageal varices and alcholic encephalopathy and ended up in residential care. I think he was given a prognosis of 5 years, but lived for a little longer than that.

Don't leave your son with him if possible. A colleague with severe alcohol problems went yellow in the manner you describe - he had lost his job by then and I bumped into him - unfortunately he passed away the following week

No i am absolutely not leaving my son with him i have already decided that. This is what i find scary and i’m so anxious from not knowing what will happen. I can’t decide if he has been given bad news and is burying his head in not telling me or if i’m getting myself in a tiz unnecessarily and it’s not that bad and will be ok if he stops drinking. I just wish that either him his wife or his parents had the common decency to ring me and tell me whats going on bearing in mind we share a child. I find it really rude to be honest. I did see another thread where a lady’s ex went yellow and she died 3/4 weeks later.

So ex is still in hospital. He had an ultrasound yesterday presumably of his liver and i don’t know if he has the results yet. He is being very hostile towards me, i think because he knows he can’t fob me off or lie to me so his defence mechanism is to be nasty to me and keep me at arms length.
i did speak to his mum last night over text as my son wanted to speak to his grandma, we have arranged a call for tonight. His mum asked what my son knew about his Dad so i said i had been honest about him drinking too much beer etc. she replied and said unless i had proof that line of thought wasn’t helpful and as far as they and ex’s wife are concerned he hasn’t had a drink since the last time he was hospitalised in 2020!! I sent her screenshots of conversations between me and ex proving he has continued drinking, even a message from yesterday where he says he hasn’t had a drink for a week and a half. She said they were in shock and needed time to assess the situation.
i just feel so anxious, its the first thing on my mind when i wake up, not knowing what will happen next or how we will resolve access etc. i’m also worried abit about money as ex should pay maintenance today he always pays on 25th of each month but doubt he will. I asked yesterday if he could let me know if it would be late this month and he just ignored me.

You would think his wife was aware of his continued drinking even if his mother wasn't. Do you think his wife is in denial or complicit in his drinking or might he genuinely be able to hide his drinking from her?

Yes his wife absolutely knows he has been drinking, i don’t know why she is enabling him to be honest but its clear now i can’t trust her either. I just wish it would all go away its making me so anxious 😟

OP, I'm very worried for you and your son.

My SIL looked yellow with yellow eyes in February 2024 but always fobbed us off with lame excuses and wouldn't seek medical help. The family knew she 'liked a drink or three', but wasn't aware how much. Her partner called an ambulance in April because she was vomiting blood. The paramedic had to state she lacked capacity in order to compel her to go to hospital. She died in early May 2024 because there was nothing the hospital could do - too much damage and too far advanced. This was one of the best hospitals for liver diseases in the UK.

Sorry for being so blunt, I just wished we had been more aware of the signs and clues and stepped in, though it's almost impossible to help someone who doesn't want any help.

Your ex is in hospital being treated, so that's one positive in his favour. Fingers crossed it's in time.

@Frecklespy thank you and sorry to hear about your SIL. I hope your brother and family are doing ok.
At the risk of getting backlash if i’m honest today i have actually thought for the first time it would be better for me and my son if nature did take its course and my ex passed away. We have been to hell and back this last fortnight, my son is not doing well at all and i’m seeing the GP tomorrow with a view to getting sertraline because i’m just struggling with it all. I’ve had a load of abuse and shit off my ex the last few days because i let the cat out the bag with his mum. Him and his wife have now blocked me, i’ve had to go into school to see the head about it all and he’s told me he never wants to speak to me again. I’ve done nothing wrong in all of this and i’m left trying to raise our son who is finding it harder to deal with due to autism and just left picking up the pieces and its had that much of an effect i’m left needing medication to help with anxiety 😥

I’m puzzled by you speaking to the head, why did he/she know your ex never wants to speak to you again or did you mean the head never wants to speak to you again.

I took it as op meant she's had to go and see the head about it all due to it affecting her ds at school

I meant i had to see the head as its potential safeguarding issues. The point i was trying to make was a bomb has gone off in my life through no fault of my own or my little boy and my ex doesn’t give two hoots, his answer is just to be nasty to me then block me. He has no consideration for the impact this has had on us.

Op that's an alcoholic for you. Selfish.

OP, the complete lack of consideration and the anger that you told his mum should tell you that he's still an active alcoholic and cares only for drinking.

https://www.uchicagomedicine.org/conditions-services/liver-diseases-hepatology/alcoholic-liver-disease

Information for you on alcohol related liver disease and its treatment.

If he won't give up drinking he has no hope of recovery and his life expectancy is very short at this point.

The treatment of alcohol related liver disease involves giving up alcohol completely, forever.
Steroids.
Nutritious diet.
Liver transplant depending on extent of damage and lack of liver function.

Medicine can do nothing for a person who will not stop drinking.

Sorry you're experiencing the fallout of all of this. You are doing a great job of trying to protect your son. Can you plan some enjoyable activity with him to replace his visits to his dad? Something he can rely on as a routine.

The best thing my alcoholic ex ever did for our son (9 at the time)was die. I kno that's blunt but he was a burden on everyone around him. He would of been a nightmare now(12 yrs on) it's a selfish illness/addiction and the best thing for you and your child to do now is walk away and don't look back. You can't help someone who won't admit they've got a problem and won't help themselves. Fact. Sorry for the bluntness. Big hugs

Yep 100%. Thats why i’ve gone from feeling sad and sorry for him to thinking the best thing all round would be if he died. A bomb has gone off in my life and with the way my son is its even worse to deal with.

Thank you @mathanxiety i don’t know if i can see him giving up drink to be honest. Last time in 2020 when he had pancreatitis he said he was never touching a drop and obviously that hasn’t happened so why would this time be any different.
thankfully my side of the family are great with my son etc so he has had some wonderful times this last couple of weeks and had some treats and also got a nice weekend planned. Its just always at the back of my mind that i’ll have to deal with this and i’m really anxious. I was in tears at the GP this morning she’s given me some sertraline so hoping that will help.
its just completely selfish, the amount of people this has impacted is loads and ex just doesn’t care.

The denial in an alcoholic is mind boggling isn't it? I just can't understand it, its like they are totally taken over by the drink. Anyone who isn't in that mindset would be horrified at the prospect of dying and do anything to get better. Going through it at the moment with a family member who is just in cloud cuckoo land when it comes to their obvious severe drinking problem, despite being hospitalized. All you can do is look after yourself and your son. I would be looking into grief counseling for him because sooner or later he will need it unfortunately 😔

My DH is an alcoholic. He has been hospitalised 3 times with jaundice caused by cirrhosis.

Last time he was in for over a month and I was told he was probably going to die there. He didn't but his liver is decompensated so cannot repair itself. His prognosis is 2 years if he really looks after himself and does what they've said.

He came home early December. Last week he started drinking again - straight onto vodka, 1/4 bottle, then 1/2, now full bottle every single day.
He's not eating. He's not doing anything except drinking and sitting in his chair crying now and then.

When he's sober I love him. As he is now I despise him. I now wish he'd get on with it and die.

I hope your child is spared the pain of seeing this deterioration.

@BMW6 I am so sorry that this is your life. It sounds like he won't even get his two years at that rate. I COMPLETELY understand and relate to the 'just get on with it then' school of thinking. Addiction is such a selfish sickness.

Sending best to you and OP - and all the others on this thread who have spent weeks/months/years/lifetimes trying to help people that cannot be and will not be, helped. Soul destroying.

@BMW6 i’m sorry to hear this. Do you have any support network? How are you coping and managing? Do you mind me asking how old your DH is? Its a really complex illness emotionally isn’t it, i’ve ranged from sadness/anger/bad anxiety to just going numb. Do you know why your DH is crying? I assume just sheer desperation he must know what a mess he finds himself in.
my ex has been in hospital 11 days now and has said tonight he wants me to take our son to see him. I still don’t know what his prognosis is he won’t say, but he has said tonight he has seen his consultant and he will be in hospital a while. I did hope that he would fully detox whilst in there but the worry is he will start drinking again, the temptation is always there i guess. Your DH did well to manage from December til a couple of weeks ago but it just shows the addiction is always there, just how long you can supress it for.

Hi Bunny.
He's 64 so not "old" IMO - mind you, he looks a lot older now.
I have a lovely support from siblings and wider family, we have no children. Also we've already been visited by Local Hospice, so things are in place for the end. I can phone them 24/7 if I need help - if he has a fall for example. I was so relieved when their support was offered, such a weight lifted from me (I'm 67 so would struggle to get him up off the floor).

I think he's weeping because he's depressed (because alcohol is a depressant), he's scared of dying (strange as drinking is speeding up the dying, but true), he hates himself etc etc. So many emotions and the addiction overrules EVERYTHING.

When you visit your ex you could ask to speak with the consultant. You are the mother of his child so I think you have the right to be prepared for what you may need to deal.with

Ask (consultant) if his liver is Decompensated. If it is then he's dying in the near future. If not then it's still able to repair itself. I found NHS site very helpful to my understanding.

Most alcoholics relapse. They can go years on and off the wagon without irreparable liver damage, but it's Russian Roulette. The next sip could be the tipping point and there's no way back then.

I knew he was likely to relapse once he started feeling less terribly ill and frail. I've tried hiding his debit card so he can't buy any booze, but you cannot live like that. It has to be his choice. We tried that before and it's completely unworkable.

Good luck, it would be nice to stay in touch on here for support or just a really helpful vent of the rage and angst. I hope you do.

Meant to say, they will have fully detoxed him.

I think you need more information before you can take your son in.

How ill does he look? Is he connected to machines etc? How long will he be in for? Not that this would necessarily stop you going but you need to prepare your son beforehand.

Any make it clear you will be staying with your son throughout, as he could need your support. But regardless of how hard it is, keep the meeting upbeat, get your son to buy some goodies for him (things to read, snacks).

I suppose as alcoholism is an illness then the selfishness and not caring is part of that. I remember as a student HCP spending an insight day with the outreach team and we went to see someone on a ward who was very jaundiced. The outreach nurse told me after we left them it was all alcohol related and he'd be dead within a few days, that his liver was so badly damaged there was nothing which could be done.

Hopefully things aren't so severe for your ex but it is a possibility and if so then someone needs to be communicating better with you so you can prepare your son if necessary.