Yellow eyes and skin

[Bunny2607]

Evening all
i’m posting to see if anyone has experience with what might happen next here please.
i share a son with my ex and he goes to see ex once a week overnight. I called round to ex’s house earlier to drop some things off for my son and his eyes and skin were yellow, he was glowing. I said to him you need to get checked out but he said its just because he is tired.
he does have an alcohol problem although wont admit it. It was the reason i left him when son was little. He just can’t leave it alone. He was in hospital approx 4yrs ago with pancreatitis and was told then by the doctors never to drink again but he hasn’t listened.
so now today has come and he is yellow, he said he’s been like it a couple of days. I’ve urged him to get checked out and said it could be his liver or pancreas, and sent a screenshot from the nhs website saying to seek urgent medical attention if you have yellow eyes but he said he will see how he is in a few days.
my question is, I’m assuming he is yellow because of how much he drinks but what is his body doing? If he sought medical attention what is the answer to fix the jaundice is it medication or antibiotics? If he doesn’t seek medical attention how serious is it? I know nobody can diagnose over the internet and i will keep telling him to get medical attention but i’m also trying to work out what might happen to prepare myself with my son as well. Before when he had pancreatitis he was in hospital a month so if this happens again i obviously need to manage my son who has autism and is used to seeing his dad every week. Obviously i am concerned for his dad but also trying to plan for my son.
thanks in advance x

I am so sorry @BMW6

Oh my goodness @BMW6 i’m so shocked to read this it seems to have happened suddenly? How are you doing? I hope your DH is at peace now and free from the addiction but its the mess left behind isn’t it, i imagine its such a mix of feelings from being relieved on one hand to anger and resentment on the other. I’m sorry 😔 keep chatting on here if you want to, we have some great supportive people on here which i’m grateful for 😊
i will reply to other messages soon, sorry i hadn’t been getting notifications that people had been replying so only just catching up!

I'm so sorry to read this, please take care of yourself. I can't imagine how horrendous that must have been for you

Can I please add my condolences to @BMW6. I have been loosely following your DH's story for years. I know you both knew he didn't have long to live but this is more sudden than expected. I'm not surprised you are furious as well as grieving, that's entirely natural .

Scary as it is @Bunny2607, I think BMW's messages paint a realistic picture of what your ex can expect if he doesn't stop drinking (if not already too late). Your poor DS will have to have a different sort of relationship with him from now on. My heart also goes out to you.

Other posters - I think maybe some of you are getting OP and BMW muddled? BMW does not have a son (I don't think?). Meant respectfully.

I am so very sorry, @BMW6 . Please look after yourself and let yourself grieve. You probably know that you may be facing complex bereavement, so don't hesitate to seek support if you need it.

We are doing ok thank you, plodding on. My son is abit more settled than he was when this first kicked off but still struggling. Weekends are especially tough as he wants to see his Dad. I’m just angry that his dad can’t see the damage he is doing. He said to me its only the 2nd time i have had to “hold the fort” as if i’m being unreasonable for being annoyed at his actions, i said to him its 2 times too many when its self inflicted 🙄🙄

Yes this is very true and makes complete sense. He will be detoxed now i think as been in hospital about 3 weeks but like you say the addiction will remain and i don’t know how long he will be able to stay off the booze once he comes home.

Yes she probably was in a difficult position and i agree it’s ultimately his decision. I just personally couldn’t watch my husband kill himself through drink without knowing i had done all i possibly could. I feel like she has enabled him by not telling me or his parents. If either of us knew what was going on i’d have stopped access to my son and his parents would have stepped in. As its happened its too late for all that now as he’s made himself very poorly. But even when he went yellow she sat there and let him wait for 10 days before he eventually went to hospital. I’d have been forcing my husband into a car and gone straight to a&e. She’s strange with how she’s handled all this i think.

@JamesWebbSpaceTelescope it wasn’t my ex who passed, it was another poster who was telling me about her husband who was also an alcoholic 😔

Thank you @LindorDoubleChoc yes it definitely was a sharp shock as to how quickly things can change and it did kind of wake me up as to what might happen. I didn’t realise it could be such a traumatic death without dignity. I don’t know what i thought death would look like from alcohol related liver disease but it wasn’t vomiting blood and being covered in shit 😔😔😔 my prayers go out to his wife i can only hope she finds peace.

I m so sorry to all those victims of addiction, it's so sad for all involved.

To the OP, I would get in touch with a children's grief charity and find out ways to support your son, when the inevitable happens.

@BMW6 I'm so sorry that it came to this. When my ex died I was left with a lot of very complicated feelings. Our children had been living with me for some years by that point and in that time I'd put a lot of effort into always being braced and ready for whatever bit of drunken drama would come next. When she died, that was it. That was the very last of her many alcohol-related crises I'd ever have to deal with. After all the years spent fretting about what she was going to do next, suddenly there was no next. There was never going to be a next.

It was a very odd feeling because as much as I'd hated having our lives dominated by her alcoholism it had been going on for so long it had become familiar and now I was in very much uncharted territory. It took me quite some time to get used to the new normal. While, of course, most of my energies were directed at trying to help my children through such a cataclysmically awful event for them, I also arranged a few sessions with a counsellor just for me. It really helped me to unpack my feelings with someone I could be really honest with.

I hope you have people around you that you can lean on to help you through this.

Ruptured oesophageal varices caused by alcohol-related liver damage killed not just my ex but also my father and a close work colleague.

Evening all
just back from the weekly hospital visit so my son can see his dad. He didn’t seem any better or worse to me in terms of how yellow he was, but he seemed worse in himself zero energy, couldn’t hold a conversation and was breathless too. He kept swallowing hard and sort of half gipping, not sure if it was acid reflux or what. He was on a drip when we got there, i noticed it said something like “Tazocin” on the label. A nurse came by and said she would give him his Fluconazle tablet soon which when i googled i think is to treat fungal infection so not sure what that is. They were also getting ready to put a second different bag of antibiotics on which were going in through the PIC line so i’m not sure whats going on. I asked if he had picked an infection up whilst in there and he said no so it must all be connected with the liver. He did pull the cover back at one point and i could tell his belly was swollen, he looked pregnant. He hadn’t eaten tea either. I took him some sweets chocolate juice and crisps and he only took a couple of bits off us and sent the rest back. My son wanted to take his daddy these bits in so it was abit of an underwhelming response. He said he couldn’t have the crisps not sure why, they were bacon frazzles. He said it was due to the salt content but then thinking about it when he had pancreatitis last time he wasn’t allowed red meat so
not sure if this is linked to that with them being bacon frazzles?
anyway sorry for the waffle. Just trying to make sense of it all. I’m to the point where i’m 50/50 if he will come through this looking at him. I think if he does make it home from hospital he won’t lead a normal life.

Check for chronic kidney failure as well. No salt, no appetite, depression, no energy, swollen tummy.

I'm no medical expert but that all seems to add up to ascites. If it is then it's serious, not just because of the risk of peritonitis but also because it's another huge flashing warning sign that his liver is in very bad shape.

He's in the best place right now but if he ever drinks again the outlook is grim.

My ex husband was an alcoholic, I divorced him in 2021 after it became apparent alcohol was more important than anything, his job and driving licence included.

@BMW6 I am sorry for your loss and how he came to be in the end with you attempting to clean up for him once more. I can only imagine the overwhelming feeling you had when realising what's the point, ie: more blood anyway. I am sorry.

@Bunny2607 I am sorry you continue to go through this with your ex and your feelings of wanting it to end are completely valid.
I decided after witnessing my ex, to educate myself on alcoholism. I ended up becoming sober in the end.
But from programmes I've watched, such as Rain in my Heart (documentary is still on iPlayer but it's shocking). A huge fluid buildup in the abdomen, resulting in them looking pregnant, is incredibly serious. Especially if they require being drained. And if the whites of his eyes are still yellow, all these weeks later. This does sound like you need to have a conversation with Senior staff on his ward, telephone is needs be and discuss how to prepare your son for the end.

Alcoholism isn't called the family disease for nothing. It utterly destroys lives, even if you leave. I'm sorry for everyone effected by it. I know my life will never be what I'd hoped because of it.

His liver won't be able to process the salt properly and it will contribute to the fluid buildup I think. It doesn't sound good OP. It's really shocking the consequences of long term alcohol misuse.

@BMW6 I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. This is a deeply shocking thread that I am sure will stay with a lot of us.

Thanks for all the lovely thoughtful support here. My sis took me to her house after DH was taken away to mortuary, we bagged up some of the soiled bedding and I left the window open.

She's taking me home tomorrow armed with extra large, strong bin bags and a Stanley knife. We need to get the duvet etc into bags and cut out the large area of blood soaked carpet. Then we can put the furniture back into normal place (all pushed to one wall so they could get DH on floor to try and restart heart).

Then I have to start Eating The Elephant of admin. Si many things to be addressed. I keep thinking I can't so this, but I simply have to as NOK. My sisters are all rallying and want to help so have tons of RL support.

I think I'm just venting here.

I wish he'd got to hospital but they couldn't get him down our stairs easily (old house) and then it all just went to pot so quickly.

I'm sorry for any and everyone who've experienced this and will in future.

You are being so strong. You will get through this.

@BMW6 it sounds like he was very lucky to have you.

@BMW6 the elephant of admin is doable. One bite at a time. It took me a year including dealing with US life insurance but it all got done. One bite at a time, as they say, and it tastes better with chocolate.

I'll be buying a large bar of chocolate as soon as I'm alone! Thanks for the tip!

evening all
@BMW6 how are you doing? I’m a solicitor working in probate matters so if you need any help with anything when you start on the admin i’m happy to try point you in the right direction with things.
my ex has messaged me tonight to say they are draining the fluid from his stomach. Not sure if his stomach was swollen when he was admitted or if its something thats happened recently i only noticed the swelling this week as he pushed the bedcover back. He said the swelling has left him not as mobile as he would want and also breathless which i picked up on again this week. Again from google (all i can do as he won’t tell me much still ffs!) i think if he has ascites then its stage 3 of liver disease which i think is alcoholic hepatitis or could be stage 4 which is chirrosis , might have spelt that wrong.