Yellow eyes and skin

[Bunny2607]

Evening all
i’m posting to see if anyone has experience with what might happen next here please.
i share a son with my ex and he goes to see ex once a week overnight. I called round to ex’s house earlier to drop some things off for my son and his eyes and skin were yellow, he was glowing. I said to him you need to get checked out but he said its just because he is tired.
he does have an alcohol problem although wont admit it. It was the reason i left him when son was little. He just can’t leave it alone. He was in hospital approx 4yrs ago with pancreatitis and was told then by the doctors never to drink again but he hasn’t listened.
so now today has come and he is yellow, he said he’s been like it a couple of days. I’ve urged him to get checked out and said it could be his liver or pancreas, and sent a screenshot from the nhs website saying to seek urgent medical attention if you have yellow eyes but he said he will see how he is in a few days.
my question is, I’m assuming he is yellow because of how much he drinks but what is his body doing? If he sought medical attention what is the answer to fix the jaundice is it medication or antibiotics? If he doesn’t seek medical attention how serious is it? I know nobody can diagnose over the internet and i will keep telling him to get medical attention but i’m also trying to work out what might happen to prepare myself with my son as well. Before when he had pancreatitis he was in hospital a month so if this happens again i obviously need to manage my son who has autism and is used to seeing his dad every week. Obviously i am concerned for his dad but also trying to plan for my son.
thanks in advance x

If he's carrying on he will die, and even if he stops it may well be too late.

I hope you and your son are okay OP

Detox just gets his body from being awash with alcohol to none in as safe and controlled way as possible. It doesn't deal with the underlying addiction.

My ex could be very nasty when the extent of her drinking and her lies about her drinking were laid bare. It's the addiction talking as anything that threatens their continuing opportunity to drink is unacceptable.

I don’t think alcoholics don’t care. I think it’s more that they have used alcohol as a coping strategy for so long that emotional regulation has become completely disordered. They know they need to stop but the addiction is too strong which leads into secrecy and lies… and self loathing and shame. It’s an absolutely horrible thing for everyone.

Hi @BMW6
i’m glad you have some support in place both family and professional. Your DH is young as you say its no age. My ex is early 40s so even younger. How has your DH been the last couple of days?

i decided to take my son to see ex tonight in the hope it would settle him abit. He hasn’t been doing well generally and also at school. My ex looked dreadful, still yellow although his skin didn’t look quite as bad as last time i saw him but he was still yellow and the whites of his eyes were still yellow. He had a pic line in his arm he said they couldn’t get bloody from his veins in his arm, his arm was all bruised, so he said they put the pic line in to get blood out easily. He was on oxygen, which when i googled it said advanced liver disease can cause low oxygen levels in the blood so i suppose everything is pointing towards it being advanced. I’m still having to put 2 and 2 together with everything and try get 4 because he won’t level with me. But he was civil enough tonight i think genuinely pleased and relieved to see me and my son.

just such a mess, they don’t appreciate the damage they cause do they.

Sorry forgot to add he is on a gastroenterology ward which again when i googled it says one of the things a gastroenterologist treats is alcohol related liver disease so everything is pointing towards this.

@Bunny2607 this must be so tough.

It does sound serious. I guess it’s a matter of being prepared for what may or may not happen. Hard for you on so many levels.

Hi Bunny

Yes, the PIC line, oxygen, Gastro ward etc all the same with my DH last admission.

Do you feel you can't ask if his liver is decompensated? Sounds like he's still in denial.
Given the prevalence of relapses in alcoholism I'd just hope for the best but prepare for the worst - pretty much my approach.

I hope your child doesn't see anything that will scare or distress them - my DH went quite loopy for a while due to the toxins in the blood effecting his brain, but that cleared up in a few days.

Read up as much as you can so you know what to expect. I got a copy of The Madness of Grief by Rev Richard Coles (Strictly Vicar), whose husband sadly died of same in 2020.

I was shocked to find out that a common cause of death finally is bleeding from the throat/stomach/intestines, which cannot be repaired. His DH was taken to ICU but that's not always done as - what's the point?. So the end may be traumatic.

My DH saw GP yesterday who told him not to stop drinking abruptly (as if he could) but to cut down gradually then stop. I can't see him doing it. He keeps retching/choking so I'm braced for bleeding. In other wonderful news he got constipated so took some Lactolase as told to, which resulted in him shitting himself, again.

I don't clean him up or clear it up. He must do that himself until he can't, then Hospice I hope.
I know I sound horrible but I will not do it for him. I'm too angry and resentful.

Hi @BMW6
i don’t blame you for feeling how you do. It really has an effect on the family and people surrounding the person. I started off feeling sad at the start of this post and then got angry and i wrote that it would be better if my ex died because of the trauma this is causing. I expected such a backlash but actually people were saying its understandable why you feel that way etc so i really don’t blame you for feeling how you do. It steals away the life you thought you would have and its frustrating like why can’t they find the strength to stop drinking?!
it is the burning question about whether his liver is decompensated. I don’t dare ask to be honest he was so nasty and abusive last week when i was asking questions i don’t know if i can be arsed with the hassle. Its interesting what you say about your DH going loopy and the toxins, i did say to my husband last week its almost like my ex has lost his mind and i’m not dealing with a sane person so i wonder if thats what was happening.
i am constantly having to put 2 and 2 together and try make 4 to work out whats going on. After we saw him on Wednesday i said i hope you can find the strength to stop drinking, he said to me i simply don’t have a choice this time. So i suspect he has been told he will be dead soon if he carries on.
interestingly i also found out this week his wife has been trying to get him off the booze for months, despite allowing his parents to think he has been sober since 2020. I’m mad with her now i feel like she should have told me what was going on bearing in mind my son was there!

It steals away the life you thought you would have

That's exactly what SIL said about her late husband's alcoholism.

She was looking forward to day trips out after retiring and just doing stuff together. Instead she spent her life looking after him, then visiting him in residential care until he died when it got unmanageable.

She dropped all her friendships because of him and now she is a bitter and lonely woman.

When it first became obvious that her husband's drinking was out of control everyone said she would be better off leaving him. Instead she stayed and he dragged her down with him. Sadly, part of it was my late MIL's influence who didn't agree with divorce (she stayed with her horrible husband until he died because of her old fashioned views, so she wasn't exactly a good role model for SIL).

I wish anyone who has to deal with this horrible situation all the best

Hi Bunny
I wouldn't bother trying to ask him anymore about his prognosis if he clearly resents you knowing the truth. He's obviously very sick and will either stop drinking (great) or won't and dies soon (also great in the long run).

I think you said upthread that your son knows his Dad's ill - he he aware that Dad may die and the cause? If not it may be as well to prepare him?
I'm thinking if your ex survives this time you'll be worried that he'll start drinking again in future, so maybe if your sin is aware of that danger he could let you know so you can supervise visits.

Certainly his wife should be more responsible towards your child!

I imagine the wife is in a difficult spot… if she’s been trying to help him quit it won’t have been an easy time for her. She may have been aware of his responsibilities to others but was trying to get him to take responsibility for being honest with the people who needed to know. Because ultimately it’s down to him, not her.

You've had some excellent advice and support on here, OP. I just wanted to say two things: Firstly, that there is nothing wrong with feeling it would be better if your ex died. I felt the same way. And when it happened, the majority of what I felt was relief.

Secondly, we have a long running thread on here where people who have alcoholics in their lives can vent, question and get support. If you ever want to talk to a group of people who have been there and are still going through it, we're there for you. It's a safe space for anyone who has ever lived this reality.

Bunny & all on here.

My DH died today. Covered in his own shit and vomiting blood everywhere. 7 Medics, 4 Police.

I tried to wipe the blood from his beard after he'd died, but his mouth was full of blood so all pointless.

What a way to end up. No dignity. I'm not broken - I refuse to be. Fuck That.

@BMW6 I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how you are feeling.

Have you got some support around you?

Thanks Darker, yes I'm with a sister. I'm grieving and furious confusingly.

I'm sorry for your loss.

@BMW6 what you are going through is complicated, and what happened today must have been traumatic. I’m glad you have your sister with you. I hope you manage to get a little rest tonight.

Sorry you've had to go through this. I imagine you are sad, angry, confused and relieved.

My ex MIL is, I think, near the end, we thought after an admission with intestinal bleeding about 6 years ago she would die but somehow plods on. She's pretty much bed bound now, only in her 60s. She had a convulsion recently and was hospitalised. Home now again until the next thing. Am amazed she is still alive.

Take care of yourself X

Take care of yourself @BMW6. It’s totally fine to feel all of those things.

So upsetting for you and for DS. I hope you're both doing ok.

I just want you to know there are no "wrong" feelings when it comes to an alcoholic in the family in a situation like this.

@BMW6
I hope you're OK too.

@BMW6 I’m so sorry. What a terrible ordeal you have been put through.

@BMW6 What a traumatic experience. You must be feeling all the emotions there are - don’t be ashamed of that, it is natural given the situation.

One thing I have read is that playing Tetris (yes the silly shape game) soon after a trauma has shown good effects at reducing the post trauma response. Something to do with the eye moments and resurrecting brain from obsessing over and over. Might be worth a try if you do find the scene starts playing in a loop.

I hope your son wasn’t there and you eventually find peace.