The Continuing Support Thread for Anyone Trying to Lead an Alcohol-Free Life Winter 2024

[REP22]

Hello and welcome. I’m glad you’ve found your way here. We are a bunch of people who are trying to give up and keep off alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness.
The original thread was started by @drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans and newer members who can offer advice and signposting. You are welcome here, whether you post several times a day, once or twice and then never again, or if you only just come to read but have no intention of ever posting.
Whatever your stage on the AF journey, and whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love to celebrate your successes of whatever shape and size - and will support you when things get challenging. We get it, we've been there too.
All we ask is that you’re genuinely trying to abstain. We don't encourage moderation-only here, as it can be triggering for some to read. If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quitting it altogether then MN has another long-running and very active moderation/abstaining thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board. Lots of fine support there from those worthy people too. Keep trying. Sobriety may not be easy - but I guarantee you that it is worth it.
I started trying to give up drink in 2018, succeeded (mostly) in 2019 but had a few “wobbles”, one of which led me here in April 2023. I still struggle sometimes but the posters on this thread have been an absolute godsend of wisdom, support and encouragement, along with my dog - known here as Sid (not his real name), and they keep me going. I hope you find strength and comfort here too. This thread and its wonderful posters has been a lifesaver to many, and have certainly seen me through many good and not-so-good days.
These books were particularly helpful to me and I still go back to them from time to time: The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley (Amazon - Sober Diaries) and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray (Amazon - Unexpected Joy). Others have found This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (Amazon - This Naked Mind) helpful. There are Apps that help track your AF journey, including Reframe and the one I use, I Am Sober. Podcasts can also be helpful. I have found One for the Road by Sober Dave to be a good listen. But different things work for different people. Feel free to post and ask. There is solidarity, wisdom and support here. This is a safe space where your voice will be heard, understood and valued.

Fire up the hot chocolate and make yourself at home.

Day 50 for me today. It’s been a long time since I had 50 days under my belt. Have been away for a few days hence lack of posting but good to catch up in the thread.
It hasn’t been an easy week but I was on leave from work which is my biggest trigger! I had a panicked idea yesterday about having just one to manage my back to work stress. I decided to check my work emails instead which were plentiful but no major issues and it passed!
Definitely work to do on myself with my work life balance management!
Had a bit of an anxious moment when a family member decided to randomly bring up a drinking story about me from around 9 months ago in company which was mortifying. They kept going on about how funny it was and I was really annoyed. I usually just take it as I’m used to being “that person” who people tell stories about. But I took them aside and explained that while I can see it might appear funny it was one of the worst periods of my life. I was crying daily, chronically stressed and anxious and definitely not drinking to have fun. They actually apologised-said I’m always so happy they had no idea and so I don’t think it will come up again. First steps on my boundaries journey!
KOKO my lovely AF gang. It’s good to be here!

I think you handled that brilliantly, @Carpetburn. I think people unwittingly deflect from their own conflicted feelings about drinking - it's easier to take the pee rather than face their own weaknesses. Congrats on the big 5-0!

@mumzof4x Sending big hugs.
@TiA303091 I got so irritated by tipsy people too. If I’m out with them I leave before they get really wasted. Had some family round at Christmas, they were at the loud and repetitive stage, so I went to bed and left them to it! Bit more tolerant now I’ve clocked up a few AF weeks. I don’t find it triggering at all, if anything it reinforces my decision to quit. Will never get bored of waking up hangover free. And the self loathing has evaporated, which is a big win.
Love to all, enjoy the rest of your day.
Well done to all reaching milestones.

How cool is it to think you are no longer alcohol dependent/an alcohol user?! I've only been doing this a few days so can't take for granted that I'm not alcohol dependent - but I'm literally not, as in, I am now living without it! Wonder when I'll trust that I'm not just alcohol-avoidant, I'm actually an alcohol-free human 🤔

I'm not sure that we are ever safe from the clutches of alcohol, really. I think (well, I know) that after a while it is ok to raise a toast at a wedding, or have a glass of wine very occasionally; but to return to 'social drinking' would probably quickly lead to going back to old habits. I could risk one drink if it had to stop at one, but if I opened a bottle at home I would drink it all and want more, and it's not worth the risk. I don't know if the feelings of deprivation ever really leave, but the feeling of being in control of our lives, health and reputation never gets stale, so it's a fair swap.

I agree, @ShyMaryEllen, that to return to social drinking would be a mistake - I aim to not do that again anyway, I want to live AF - I feel the scales have fallen from my eyes. What I'm hoping for is a feeling of being AF, not just avoiding the stuff to stick to my goal - a feeling I'm 'over it', which might be asking too much in our drinking culture!

Sending love and solidarity @mumzof4x and @WendyWagon 😘
It's been DH's birthday today and we've spent the afternoon in the pub with extended family. I easily managed to order alcohol free but wasn't expected to feel as bereft as I did, especially when everyone was chatty and relaxed and I felt a little awkward and left out.
But now...I feel good. It's so nice not to feel fuzzy and dopey and to have a nice coup of tea and an early night!

@bloominoreilly I think there is a realisation that comes at some point that alcohol is all a big con. I don't actually feel like I'm missing out by not drinking at the moment. I'm glad I'm not. I'm happy with the AF alternatives. I know that if I started drinking socially I'd quickly forget that though.
I remember there was a period in my late teens when I stopped drinking alcohol and most of my mates still did. It wasn't that I was the sensible one. I just preferred the club drugs of the 90s and I remember thinking how glad I was that I didn't drink alcohol and how awful it was that it gave blackouts and made people do stupid stuff. I was so relieved that I "just" took recreational drugs instead! But then I grew out of clubbing and all the drugs that go with that and got back into alcohol. For years. But I'm back seeing the truth about alcohol now (albeit without other drugs!) and I never want to get sucked back in again.

I am with you @Itsrainingten . It's strange really as there was a time that I didn't see the point of AF beers etc.

Now I don't see the point of the alcohol versions. I mean, I do obviously know why I used to drink alcohol and why others do but it's like the veil has been lifted and as you say, have realised what a big con it is.

It just makes my already complicated and difficult life more so.

Morning beautiful sober sisters
I didn't drink again yesterday (yes AGAIN)
I will not drink today

Good morning friends,

A big day in the CarrotSeeds household. Day #100 sober 🥰 🎈🎉 No one is more surprised than me. 100 days ago I NEVER thought I would be able to do this. For anyone newer on their AF journey, can I just say that even if it feels impossible at first to change, with one step at a time, you CAN do this. And it's so true, how you feel in the first few days isn't how you will feel longer term. It gets so much easier.

After 100 days I feel :

Genuinely happy. I now believe wine was a bit of a 'false high'. Most days now I wake up feeling very content and know I'm being the best version of myself I can be.

Healthier, waking up alcohol and hangover free is a feeling I will never grow tired of. I have completely dropped a medication I was taking daily for heartburn (Lansoprazole). My blood pressure is lower. I've embraced a healthier lifestyle generally as for the first time in years I feel worth investing in.

Better mental health, no booze anxiety, clearer head and better able to make decisions, feeling super positive about the future. Yes there are still sometimes tough times but I feel so much more able to deal with problems instead of burying my feelings in a vat of wine. Fewer arguments, fewer perceived slights, more patience, greater kindness towards others.

I look better for my age. My eyes are brighter, skin looking great, dark circles under my eyes greatly reduced probably owing to being properly hydrated for the first time in decades. Plus I'm investing in proper skin care routines.

I genuinely don't think I'll ever go back to drinking now. THANK YOU SO MUCH to all the regulars and old-timers on this thread. I am sure you are the reason I have stayed sober as there is so much strength in community. I don't really want to single anyone out but I do have to say that @REP22 often says on this thread "it will be alright". I cried when I first read that about 97 days ago but she is right, it's true.

🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

@Itsrainingten I have a similar backstory to you - I didn't start drinking regularly till I was in my early-mid 20s - that was then the 90s, when young women were trying to have what the lads were having - all the lager, lager, lager fun! 😕Then, late 20s-mid-30s I was into clubbing & doing the associated drugs - I didn't stop drinking but was drinking far less - I never drank when out clubbing (I'm sure that will resonate with you!) Stopped clubbing mid-30s & haven't touched any drugs since, but got into drinking again. Till this year was a fairly 'normal' drinker - that's what made it so hard to stop, I didn't hit rock bottom - I was still dependent on alcohol, and still drinking too much of the stuff - at some points getting in the habit of drinking every day, at other times pulling back and drinking 3-4 days a week, but always bingeing at the weekend - but that is so normalised! I knew it was wrong to do that to myself, really, though. I've had counselling and life coaching at different points in my life, because I thought I had anxiety and was stuck in a rut etc solely because of childhood events. When I raised the idea of giving up alcohol with these professionals, I was encouraged to carry on - "That's not the problem" & "It's OK to drink a bit" - shame forbade me from saying exactly how much I was drinking and how worried I was about it, & how I couldn't just drink one glass of wine with dinner once or twice a week, and so with their approval, I carried on. (I'm listening to Over the Influence podcast and one of the hosts, Freddie, mentioned that the same thing happened to him in therapy. Since learned from book/podcast/not drinking anymore that regular drinking CAUSES the rut and the anxiety!!!) Several things happened last year that made me start really questioning drinking at all, including seeing a couple of people's lives absolutely ruined by alcohol, and one of my drinking buddies getting a health scare and deciding to cut right back. So now I feel totally OK about not drinking - like you, I don't feel I'm missing out at the moment. I just think I reached the right point in my life to stop. I wish I coulda reached this point much, much earlier, but that didn't happen and I have to look forwards not backwards. However, I do think, as I think you suggested, that we can be motivated/inspired by the fact that we didn't always drink - that we did live without it at some points in our lives, quite happily. We can perhaps get back to that? I'm aiming to do that - to just not want to drink anymore, to not need to avoid it, I just won't want to do it. I'm only 13 days in, so I've not had to deal with parties, gigs, festivals, etc, alcohol-free, so I've got that to come - but it's my son's 18th birthday soon, and I would have normally opened a bottle of champagne - but I'm actually happy not to have any alcohol, and I'm also OK being around other drinkers on the day - that's how I feel right now, anyway - so it bodes well.

[Edited to get rid of the bold!!]

Absolutely love this, @CarrotSeeds - bloody well done! Thank you for signposting the way ahead - I'm starting to see those things you've listed already, and it's great to know it just gets better. All the people on here give me strength to continue, but like you say, especially the regulars and old-timers, who write lovely posts and are showing us what's possible! @REP22's posts just crack me up and I'm very grateful for this thread - it's the only one I really bother with on Alcohol Support, and I treat it like it's a social media platform all of it's own. But you, @CarrotSeeds, stand out for me too as you've been very active, kind and supportive on here x

I think these experiences are good for us in a way, @BlueLightBetty - they're ways for us to chalk up 'times we didn't cave' and we can see how strong we truly are, and how much we prefer to go to bed sober, sleep well, wake up with no hangover and no remorse - hope you got a good night's sleep

@bloominoreilly if you fancy "champagne" for your son's 18th toast I can suggest Bolle blanc de blanc. I had it at Christmas and even my sister (who still likes a drink) said it was good. I hink it's the best AF alternative I've come across so far.

Thank you 😊I'm personally not really into AF wines and beers etc, I've realised since stopping that I very mainly drank alcohol for the alcohol, not the taste. I think it's sparkling water and the occasional juice for me from now on x

Congratulations @CarrotSeeds 👏👏👏👏

100 days is a huge milestone! And I love your summary of the benefits you’re experiencing- it’s magic, isn’t it?!

@bloominoreilly Ive had a lot of therapy over the years, and I never, never allowed myself to get into a discussion about my drinking. I also think that many healthcare professionals have a conflicted relationship with alcohol- I remember telling my oncologist I’d given up alcohol, and we had a really weird conversation of him telling me how he’d noticed his resting heart rate was much lower without alcohol but he liked a glass of wine 🙄

Im glad the really cold snap seems to have passed- I had a glorious run in the sun / frost on Saturday morning but I don’t like the cold the rest of the time!

Morning all.
Here with toothache but have an appointment this afternoon.

Huge well done @CarrotSeeds 100 days is fabulous

I'm twitching for the conclusion of playing nice. The legal beagle side of me gets too invested.

Wow - it doesn't cease to amaze me how much resistance there is to 'other people wanting to stop drinking' among drinkers - even professionals who should know better and be encouraging of the positive behaviour, and perhaps setting better examples! Alcohol really truly does have a grip! Another problem I've had with counsellors and coaches is talking about neurodiversity - my son was diagnosed with ADHD and I wanted to discuss it as a parent who had to cope with that, but then I also started seeing similarities between him and me, so wanted to explore whether I might also have ADHD - and therapists just never wanted to go there. I think beliefs come strongly into play, even with health professionals who are (IMHO) meant to be open to what you bring them and curious about underlying factors. I never managed to work out whether my problems occurred because of childhood experiences, menopause, ADHD, drinking regularly and somewhat heavily, or some combination of those. But I do know that since stopping drinking a mere 13 days ago my mind has cleared, I'm happier and more self-accepting - and I'm concluding that drinking has been perhaps the major problem, confounding and worsening any other issues I might have/preventing me from dealing with them fully. Probably oversharing here, but that's something I find hard to not do - maybe it will resonate with others on here and they will feel less on their own with similar experiences.

Glad you will get the tooth sorted soon @WendyWagon Toothache is evil.

Congratulations @CarrotSeeds , inspiring.

Congratulations @CarrotSeeds 100 days is fantastic

I don't really post but I do read and can I just say thank you to you all, you're all amazing and with your help I've made it to 28 days, four whole weeks.
I never thought I'd be able to do it.

Well done to @CarrotSeeds and to @Livinginaclock. Every day AF is a help to our health, but the milestones are so important as the throw our successes into sharp relief. There are articles out there that explain what will have happened in those 28/100 days (I'm out and about so can't link, but they are easily found) and they can be encouraging too. From memory, 28 days should be enough to break a habit, and by 100 days there will have been real physical changes in your body and brain. I think the majority of healing happens in the first 6 months, but it continues for a year or more (and obviously after that it is important not to turn back the tide).

Keep it up both of you, and everyone else. We are doing so well.

Thanks so much @ShyMaryEllen and really well done @Livinginaclock You have done the hardest bit in my experience. Off to Google 100 days alcohol free now 😂 x