Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Wishing a peaceful Christmas to all of you. I know there will be people reading this who are still dealing with the physical reality of an alcoholic at Christmas, and how fear can grip you, and how much worse the everyday awfulness seems at this time compared to the lives of others not living with alcoholism. I put compared to the fantasy of Christmas , but actually, ours is great and not a fantasy. I love that unusually we have a house full of alcohol and there is absolutely no chance that anyone will drink too much. A plate of food and someone who loves me makes for a wonderful time.

Oh that is so hard. The only thing I can suggest is that you report him missing given that he is very vulnerable, but policing being what it is, don't hold your breath.

I hope he comes back safe. Don't invite him again. He has no right to put you through this.

I went through a similar situation and it was horrible so I really sympathise. I also totally understand why you wanted to do the kind thing but he is showing you why it was a terrible idea. He isn't able to care that you're devastated and scared by his behaviour any more than he was capable of caring about how he was damaging his relationship with his wife and children and destroying the life he once had. Phone the police and tell him he is missing and vulnerable but make it clear you don't want him back in your home. I hope he is safe, but none of this is your fault or your responsibility.

I'm so sorry, @pleasecomment Really hope he is safe now. Just echoing what others have said – it's not your fault or your responsibility. It's shit. It's devastating and baffling that he did this. You didn't deserve to have your Christmas spoiled. Really really hope the situation has been resolved and you get a few days of peace now.

Hello all. I have overall had a good Christmas but feeling a little sad today.

I split up with my DH this year, his alcohol use was the final straw but there were honestly other issues that I am slowly processing.

I have moved out and have the kids half the time. It's an adjustment for them but I absolutely love my calm peaceful home, no smell of alcohol or searching for bottles.

The thing that is upsetting me is that my STBXH has been telling everyone that I left him for no reason and that he does not know why I split up with him. Basically playing the victim. Besides the alcohol he was subtly controlling and sometimes mildly emotionally abusive in the relationship (it escalated when I told him I was leaving) so I find this really upsetting that he now gets to play this victim card.

One of my friends happened to be around him and actually called him out on a lie about the alcohol use this week and he responded by going into such a massive panic that he ended up being taken to A&E.

@StosbyNillsAndCash always remind yourself that when your ex says these things, it isn't aimed at you. It's aimed at him. He has to lie to others because he has to lie to himself. If he doesn't, his whole alcoholic's world comes crashing in, because he then has to admit that the problem is his, the addiction is his, the bad choices are all his. The same applies to his abusive behaviour. People like this can never ever admit that anything is their fault. If they do, their entire self image falls apart because it hinges on things always being someone else's fault.

Let it slide off you. The people who know you will see it for the bullshit it is.

Thank you @pointythings you don't know how much I needed to hear that!

I hope you are having a lovely Christmas

Gosh I know this feeling so well. @StosbyNillsAndCash. You’ve probably been keeping his secret so long, and accepting that it was all your fault that it’s engrained now. Reasonable people just don’t think like addicts.But you don’t have to do that anymore. His response to your friend calling him out was very telling- A&E with a panic attack pshaw. This knobs been playing the victim for a very long time for that to become a possibility. What a fuckwit. You can choose how you respond. I chose to completely cease any engagement, you might prefer the short response, whether that be yeah right, all my fault he’s a drunk, or there may be another side to this, or a long response, but be aware that can make listeners feel they have a right to judge who is being unreasonable, and lots of people like to make it 6 of one etc.
I remember your posts, you tried so hard to be fair to him , in the teeth of his self centredness. Enjoy your peaceful home. You don’t have to make excuses for him anymore.
A little warning though. I was so careful with the child involved, scared of turning them against their parent that I couched my cutting off contact in terms of my actions, ie “they are really cross with me because they feel I’ve ruined their life, so it may take time before we can communicate directly”, rather than “I get 150 aggressive phone threats every time a bottle is opened, and I just can’t cope with that.” Eventually it became clear that protecting the relationship was causing damage The child felt that I left them exposed and dealing with manipulative victim behaviours. It was only when the blaming was directed at the child that action was taken. I obviously really regret this now, and it was only a matter of weeks. I think everyone centres the addict in these situations. Poor poor things. I hope this isn’t just another thing for you to worry about, I’m not telling you to do that.

Have followed this thread with great interest. My husband of 30 years is an alcoholic, completely in denial. Can be verbally abusive when drunk, has been secretly drinking spirits early morning. Claims I am cold, unloving etc.
Sadly, typical of many. I need to divorce him, am sick of roller coaster, one day he is OK planning holidays, next day we had to make him leave a party after he took a dislike to someone and would not shut up about it.
My main concern is my 2 young adult kids. They worry about him, say they understand why I would like to leave but feel he would sink even further and they would feel responsible. I stress he is not their responsibility.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Welcome @fumanchu . Some similarities, but not exactly like that. I think you know you can’t stay for your adult children, you are entitled to a life. And it may be that once you are out of the picture, they will see it more clearly. I honestly do believe that over time people get programmed to always centre the alcoholic, but habits can be broken. Having read this thread, I know how difficult it can be to separate, but people do achieve it, and we will support you whatever you do.

You're very kind. Yes, he takes up far too much of our thoughts. My son said he couldn't sleep the night before he came home for Christmas. My daughter worries every time I phone her that it's to tell her he has had (another) fall.

@Zebracat Thank you. I'm touched that you remembered my posts.

Yes I think that I had been centering and making excuses and internalising all his behaviour for so long that it's not a shock to him that I'm not there to facilitate it any more.

I am worried that he may also manipulate the children, especially the eldest. I have explained as much as I can in an age appropriate way to her about the issue.

@fumanchu you may need to be firm in your approach to your young adult children. Make it very clear to them that you are entitled to a peaceful life and keeping him safe is not your responsibility or theirs. He is a grown man who is making bad choices and you and the children can do nothing to help. You can't keep him sober and you won't make him worse by leaving. He will continue to drink because he is an alcoholic not because of anything you do or don't. Perhaps Alateen might be helpful if there's a group in your area.

@StosbyNillsAndCash people who know you both will know perfectly well that he is lying so don't let that bother you at all. If anyone asks, be open about it. His excessive drinking is not a secret you need to keep.

This is me wishing all of you on these threads a New Year of hope, recovery and freedom. There is so much wisdom and experience in this group - I hope we will all be able to continue sharing it with those who follow after.

Thank you @pointythings. The wisdom here has certainly helped me think and plan. Looking forward to 2025 with some trepidation but also some hope.

@pleasecomment I hope that the family group helps you and prevents you from burning yourself up chasing after someone you cannot help. Honestly, your best bet is to step away, but I do know from experience how hard that is.

Further to my previous posts, on this thread, I have been keeping a very close eye on my partner's alcohol consumption, as best I can, since I normally only see her at weekends and have no idea how much she drinks when I am not around! I have not witnessed any heavy drinking, but she will often have a drink at lunchtime on Saturdays and Sundays, followed by more in the evenings, although not to excessive levels.

And, in fairness, over the Christmas period, she has been fairly abstemious. However, on New Year's Day something occured which has given me serious cause for concern and I would welcome opinions and views from those on this thread. We spent the day at her mum's (having driven there in her car) and, until the evening, she didn't touch a drop. But, mid evening she consumed a can of Jamaican 'Red Stripe' lager - a fairly high ABV drink, and a full pint sized can. We left her mum's about an hour later and she automatically went to get in the driver's side of her car, intending to drive. I was horrified and instantly said "no, you are not to drive, you've been drinking"
Her response was to say "I've only had one. I've done it before and been fine"
My response was "I don't care, it's a non negotiable for me, you are not to drive, I am surprised at you for even thinking it's ok"
She, reluctantly, gave me the keys and said "well, the cops do it all the time"
The atmosphere was rather frosty for the remainder of the evening, to say the least! But it wasn't mentioned again, either then, or since. I am sorry that this is so long, but I am still shocked, stewing on it and wondering if I am overreacting? And I think, deep down, it was, once again, an attempt to push my boundaries around alcohol and to see if I would just meekly accept it, or react as I did. I do know that both her mum, and daughter, would be as horrified as me, if they knew.
I would welcome thoughts - am I looking for problems or are my concerns valid? Thank you.

@DracunculusVulgaris she would have been over the limit, that is almost certain. And she would have known that. This would be a deal breaker for me, whether or not it was an intentional pushing of boundaries or not. I'm not tolerant about drink driving though - for me the only limit is 0.

Thank you @pointythings, like you, for me the limit is nil, and my partner knows this, hence my belief that she was, once again, trying to test and overstep my boundaries to see how I would react

Ultimately then there is no future for this relationship. She drinks to an extent that causes you stress. You feel she is setting you tests. That isn't healthy and you deserve better. It doesn't even matter whether or not she is drinking dangerously, though she probably is. The trust has gone.

hopefully okay to join feeling a bit lost at the moment

boyfriend of 10 years, issues with alcohol and smoking weed. averages 4 cans of stella every night religiously no days off. sometimes 5/6 cans. constantly find hidden beer cans/wrappers off the cans, once found a crate hidden by the wheelie bins, also found red wine hidden in a works drinks bottle (said he wasn’t drinking at work but seemed v odd) has done hurtful things for eg messaging prostitutes whilst i was 4 months post partum with our daughter. said he wouldn’t do it again was in a bad place etc and then did it again!!

continues to drink everyday and smoke weed everyday. i worry if i leave he’ll get worse or i’ll have no control over what happens around my little ones. but if i stay will that damage them even more?

my worry is that right now i know the drinking is a problem but it isn’t affecting our children but will it only get worse?

i don’t actually know what it would be like to not worry about how much he drinks or whether he’s hiding it or lying about it

It's good to reconnect with this thread after a difficult to hellish fortnight.
How I have got through some of the days is a miracle.
My husband booked into an airbnb for Christmas week not far from where I live with our son. I made plans to keep us as safe and out of the way as possible but still felt a bit twitchy at times. On the whole we had a lovely time with my daughter and her family.
The manure began to fly on boxing day evening hitting all available windmills, barn doors and a&e departments. Thankfully he left the area at the end of his stay taking most of the chaos and poo with him and is continuing the drama elsewhere.
I'm certainly not getting an accurate picture but I have been an emotional mess for the last 24 hours as some of the strain comes home to roost and information from his last ambulance assisted a&e dash shows his liver, kidneys, pancreas and heart are all struggling. He's currently drinking at least 40 units a day which seems impossible when I type it out but that's the number in a litre of gin. He's certainly averaged more than that recently because I disposed of the empties after he left the airbnb (in conjunction with an a&e trip...).
My kind and down to earth friend has said I must 'brace myself'.
It feels a little bit like the emotional stress on the closest family (not directly on me) when I helped care for his mum through years of dementia. Gradually losing the person you love but occasional heart breaking glimpses. Having them replaced by one or more strangers who may be suffering, aggressive, hard to care for, very hard to like, tragically bereft and impossible to comfort.

It is very hard to face the real possibility of my 11 year old son losing his father completely.