Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

@RainbowLife I am so sorry things are spiralling so hard for you. By the sound of it, it is indeed likely that your husband is at very high risk. That being the case, I hope that you are actively taking steps to end the marriage. You can help your son grieve for his father, but you cannot protect him completely from thr fallout of his addiction.

@Freddie15VES how old are your DC, and would your partner have any interest in shared residency given that he currently prioritises his multiple addictions? Ultimately your DC are currently being impacted 24/7 and 365 days a year. If you were to split, they would have considerable safe time with you. I really would recommend ending this relationship for their sakes.

@pointythings my son is 3.5yrs and my daughter is 10months. i am seriously considering leaving, its just when and if im strong enough to do it….which i think i am ready

At these ages your DC will adapt to life without a dad in it, especially one who is an addict. I strongly suggest you seek out RL support too - Al-Anon tend to focus on keeping couples together which IMO is not appropriate in your situation, but SMART Family & Friends is more CBT based and is about enabling you to take your own good decisions and deal with the emotions that come with living with an addict. And of course you should keep posting on this thread and its inevitable successors. There's a lot of wisdom and experience here for you to draw on.

Get your ducks in a row, find your strength and yes, leave. Life without an addict in it is wonderful.

thanks @pointythings i think i’m just so used to being around him i don’t know what it’s like to not be with someone so dependent on booze! he vows to change and i live in hope and stick around waiting like an idiot

He can change without you. In fact he should, because the only person who can save him is him. Then when he has had a good 3 years clean and sober, he can consider another relationship. If he loved you, he would already be seeking professional help for his addictions. Bet he hasn't.

@pointythings hes been to the gp, that’s as far as it got. he was prescribed anti depressants and has been taking them. today he doesn’t think that drinking everyday makes you an alcoholic. he’s also said in the past he knows he has a problem and has cried to me about it. but then still has beers every night and smokes weed. him drinking 4-6 beers a day doesn’t seem to be a problem for him he makes me feel like i’m being over dramatic

@Freddie15VES he will not admit he has a problem to you until he has admitted it to himself. And addicts don't do that, because the addiction is so powerful. It only tends to be when their lives start to fall apart that they make that connection, and even then it is only for a minority that this happens. My late husband never took any responsibility for his addiction and blamed me for his drinking even while in rehab. I know a few addicts who have put in the hard yards (my sister's DP is one of them), but not many. In your DP's case it isn't just the booze, it's weed too. He has two things in control of him.

But what he says to you and what he does and does not believe does not matter. This is not about him, this is about you and what you can do to take yourself and your DC out of this situation. You can't save him, no matter how much he cries. You can save yourself and your DC, and you should. Take your time - get all the key paperwork, get fully up to speed on all the financials including what you might be entitled to by way of benefits as a single parent. Make sure you are 100% clear on your housing situation and have all your documents stored somewhere safe. Then make your move. And let him go - the court system can deal with matters of contact if it's appropriate.

@RainbowLife sounds ghastly, the damage has come to the surface, it’s an awful thing to have to prepare a child for the possibility that a parent may not be around, but better that than an awful shock out of nowhere. 💐💐
@Freddie15VES we are at a disadvantage as non alcoholics, he’s the expert and he’s been telling you for years that it’s all fine. And I can hear how much you want to believe that he “only” drinks 4 cans a night(56 units a week! ) .
But you have found his secret stashes, you know he drinks at work, you know he drinks more than 4 cans at weekends and high days and holidays and when you aren’t there and when he goes out etc etc.And then there’s the weed. How can this not be affecting your children? How much does it cost? how involved is he with them? Can he get up to them at night? Does he ever play with them first thing so you get to lie in? Does he pull his weightwith housework and childcare? How’s his mood if he cant have a drink. How is his health, maybe the damage doesn’t show yet, but it will. Does he snore, wet the bed, get very irritable ? He will. Women are conditioned to do anything for love, but accepting his version of his relationship with drugs and alcohol is most certainly already affecting you and your children. Never mind what he wants. What do you want? I’m absolutely certain it’s not this.

@Zebracat he is weirdly very involved - what i will give him is that he does make a huge effort with them and also with housework. he spends a lot of time cleaning and keeping on top of the washing which helps me massively. but his mood does get very irritable when he’s due a drink, come 4/5pm at the weekends if he hasn’t had one yet i can tell he’s wanting one. and he snores awfully when he’s had a drink i can usually tell how much he’s had by the snoring, if it’s only 1/2 then he’s fine anything more and it’s so so loud

i feel like a bad mum for not leaving yet, living in stupid false hope all the time

@Freddie15VES that made me wonder if it's some sort of alcoholic bargaining – if I do X, Z and Y, I can have a drink to reward myself.

My mum used to do lots of painting and decorating – badly. I used to be bemused that someone with such a neat, controlled hand did such a messy, slapdash painting, barely using masking tape. Took me 20 years to figure out that it was her rushing through things to get to her drink. (That's a minor confusion from growing up with an alcoholic parent – it got worse than that.)

However, we are getting into detective work here, and ultimately that doesn't help.

He's in a bad way, but it can and most likely will get so much worse, I'm sorry to say. I'm really sorry you're in this situation but the advice you've been given upthread is correct. I wonder if it's worth talking to a solicitor (I don't know if Citizens Advice can help here?) to help you figure out your next steps. He may be able to change. I hope so. But he can only do it himself, and you need to put yourself and your children first. They will be affected by it, and they deserve a happy, stable home. So do you.

(Oh, and you're not a bad mum, you're just a person who's trying her best, who is baffled and heartbroken by the pain of living with an alcoholic. Here, we all know what that's like. Those who left the alcoholic, or lost them in other ways, will tell you that as much as it hurt, a peaceful life is a good life.)

I heard over the last few days that it is pretty certain that my husband killed himself. He hit his rock bottom and could not look up. My overwhelming emotion is sadness. Everyone who knew us both says they know I did all I could, and I hold onto that, but this disease is so cruel. I have nothing really to say, just wanted to shout at the universe about how could someone who in one way was so brilliant and kind on the other hand be so awful and consumed by alcohol. One step in front of the other…..xxx

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I am so sorry, that is the hardest thing to hear. I hope you will be able to reach out to your RL support to help you through your grief. You are now in complex bereavement territory, so please don't try to do it all alone.

@Freddie15VES you sound like a very good Mum, but also desperate to be fair to your partner.He really isn’t very good to help, any more than you are. Don’t be the default parent, unless he’s unfit. Have you thought much about the cost of his alcohol, weed and sex addictions? Correct me if I’m wrong but it’s got to be at least £400.00 a month. When did you last spend any money on you? How would he respond if you demanded an equal amount to spend on you, or to put into savings?
It’s already bad, and it is going to get worse . You so want him to stop, it would be hard for you to leave right now, but can I just ask you to not cover for him any more? When he’s desperate to get home so he can crack a can and smoke his weed, name it. When you rush the children through bedtime because he’s getting frustrated, name it. When he wants you to call in sick for him because he drank too much, tell him you’ll be saying the truth. This is not your shame to carry. I’m not saying this to make you feel worse, you came here because pretending it was all fine had already worn thin. We do know how tough it is. No one will judge you for trying. But please don’t marry him.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 so so sorry. That would be so hard to hear. I guess he is at peace now.💐

@pointythings Thank you, it’s not really a surprise, I think in my heart I knew that was the case, he spoke about it enough when we were together, I never believed he would carry through with it. X

I do hope that you know he spoke about it as a way of manipulating you into doing what he wanted, i.e. letting him drink his fill without any comment as well as putting you in your place?

The fact that he ended up actually doing it was entirely down to him and his choices.

@Zebracat oh easily £400! minimum. he earns very very well - luckily. otherwise we would be screwed. i have started spending more money on myself. i’m self employed so i just say ‘oh i didn’t make as much this month’ i feel bad sometimes but then i think he pisses money away so why can’t i have something nice! and the sad thing is we are engaged but i have told him ill never be able to marry him now

@pointythings oh yes I do, he was a clinical psychologist, and in his rational moments he always said that you needed to worry about those who didn’t talk about it. In the end I used to not react when he talked about it. I would just say OK then, try not to make a mess. But all the events of the last 11 months created a situation that he could not climb out from. I could not hold him up any longer, and no one else could. I do miss the good version of him very much, but in the end it was his active choice. I suppose better that than an accident.

@Freddie15VES .Good, I’m glad you do, Start a running away fund too, of course you may never need it….My Dm told me all women need a running away fund. She said that was the purpose of child benefit. I was really shocked that my Dh thought it should go into our joint account. He’s not a drinker or a gambler tho, unlike my father!

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I'm so sorry. I remember you said it was a possibility. As pointythings says, it really is complex now. It is such a lot to take in. You may feel numbness, I did and still do sometimes. It's normal.

Not sure if I mentioned it, but I found It's Ok That You're Not Ok by Megan Devine very helpful. I used another forum, a suicide bereavement one, to say the things I couldn't say to another person. (If you need to, PM me for details of two, which are kind and gentle places, like here.)

I understand when you say 'it was his active choice'. I feel similar. Sending love.

Christmas and New Year are always particularly difficult for families of alcoholics, especially while we're still pretending everything's fine to the outside world. I'm so sorry to hear all the sad news. @Userccjlnhibibljn8 I really feel for you. In a way, nearly every alcoholic's death is a suicide. It just takes some of them longer than others. He kept making bad choices and none of this is on you.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I'm so sorry, I'm thinking of you. I second the encouragement to get all the support you can IRL. Big virtual hugs xx

I'm working on getting the courage up to tell my husband I want to separate. I looked back through the bank accounts recently to find he's paid nothing towards the mortgage and bills since the beginning of lockdown. So nearly 5 years. The year before that he paid about half our agreed amount, which I hadn't even realised. He's currently going out drinking at least 3-4 nights a week, plus drinking at home. I'm not sure how much he's working (he's freelance); doesn't look like much from what I can tell.

It's now almost exactly 2 years since I came to the abrupt realisation his behaviour was not ok; I've genuinely only just realised that was when I recognised I had a potential drink problem myself and almost completely quit drinking. Sober, there was suddenly no reason to rationalise his behaviour. I went back to counselling recently to try and tackle whatever it is in my mind that's stopping me from getting myself and the children out of this car crash.

Thanks to you all for being here to listen.

@RainbowLife I know it's awful but be glad that you are mostly free of the chaos that he brings in his wake. Stay back as much as you're able and focus on yourself and your kids. The A & E visits, the health deterioration, bracing yourself for his death-all this puts a real strain on your mental wellbeing and realistically it could carry on for a fair while yet. Perhaps consider getting counselling organised for your child. It is very difficult for adults to cope with the cocktail of emotions-guilt, anger, resentment, grief when an alcoholic relative is dying/dies and in my experience it can be terribly hard for children in both the short and long term.

@Seaside1234 If I were you, I would start by getting the practical side of separation sorted before talking to him as clearly you're not going to get a coherent or hellpful response and the chances are just making an announcement that you'd like to separate won't move you forward at all. Perhaps Citizen's Advice or a lawyer would be a good place to start as your DH has accumulated a lot of debt, half of which you will theoretically be responsible for. So focus on the stuff (housing, finance, work) you need to get sorted to make your own and your children's lives better.Go for it!