Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

I think he would have to go. Honestly I've been thinking about it for years. I don't see how to make it work.

@Thefellowship ooof I hear you. I think you just have to find peace with the decision and accept that it is going to cost you.

I'll share my experience which I would not wish on anyone, in particular my husband as it absolutely exposed him to his 'rock bottom', I'm not suggesting this is your path, but along the way I thought a lot about the financial, practical and emotional reality of it all.

I had him removed by police and then put in place non molestation and occupation orders. It was a horrible time, but it did give me the breathing space to regain my peace and start divorce procedings, I was the money, so it was innevitable that I would end up paying him a lot of money in the process. I knew becoming bitter and twisted about this would not help even if it felt wrong on so many levels.

I got some great advice on another forum to think about what it would have cost me in the future to finance our life together, assuming we had managed to stay together. He fed his sober periods by buying 'boys toys' which of course I ended up somehow paying for, plus I footed every day to day bill, many of which I had no control over..... when I think about the effort I made to try to keep him happy it cost me so much so the divorce would have bought me freedom.
(there is the old joke ....why is divorce so expensive, because you are worth it...)

In the end he died before the divorce, but he did do some stuff that has cost me, but less than the divorce would have done financially and emotionally.
In retrospect I now feel lucky, but before all this happened I can remember endless dog walks when I tried to work out the scenarios for the future. The thing I was most worried about to be honest were the dogs and how I would look after them without someone else at home, when it happened I just had to make it work. Fortunately no children.

Wishing you luck and keep posting here.

He hasn't really done anything this is the thing. It doesn't really make a difference to my life, I just have no patience with him doing nothing to help himself and actively doing something that makes his health issues worse.

He doesn't shout or argue or get violent. It doesn't affect him physically in any way that his disability isn't doing already.

I get that my experience was extreme, but I did find thinking about the effort of the practical side of things as an opportunity cost very helpful.

I'm aware I probably sound annoying and like I'm making excuses but everything is blurred by the fact he is in constant pain and progressively getting worse (quite rapidly at the moment).

No, that is completely understandable. Your situation is complex.

But again: many people live with constant pain and yet don't misuse substances. The choice to drink so excessively is his. And of course alcohol is a very poor painkiller, is an inflammatory and a depressant, so is actually making him worse.

@Thefellowship not at all annoying. You're not making excuses -just thinking things through. But don't ever feel you're trapped, because you aren't.

@Thefellowship Nothing is easy or logical in life with an alcoholic. Keep thinking things through and one day you will see your path.

Thank you for your kind words, everyone. I've been out with a friend to walk her dog and had a good chat. She's training to be a counsellor so was a good person to talk to. She asked me lots of pertinent questions that really made me think All of which I have immediately forgotten!

@Penguinsandspaniels (this is an excellent user name by the way - two of my favourite animals!)
it is a vicious cycle. I got a heartfelt email today, so am back to questioning myself: maybe I left too soon, maybe he can rise out of this.

But even if he can rise, I don’t think I could go back and survive living can through it anyway. I was so stressed and anxious all the time. it was even torturous during those rare weeks of sobriety post rehab hoping and fearing about whether he could stay on track.

I don’t really understand this detach with love concept. How do you detach with love when your life is being wrecked too? When they get so very angry with you for trying to put up and maintain any boundaries? When not enabling incurs their wrath of not caring/ not understand/ making their life harder therefore more likely to use?

I do feel desperately sorry for him. I get to live with my children every day. He hasn’t seen his or spoken to his at all in months. His ex wife has been able to move on and buy a lovely home and enjoy their children daily. I still have a lovely home and a lovely solid job and lovely friendships. He is in financial chaos, no home, no job, no kids, shit health. I know no one wants that, but should we have to live hard and anxious lives so that those in addiction don’t lose everything? Can you rise when you have lost so much?
argh, it’s so hard and I really do hate the guilt. In some ways, the verbal abuse and anger stage is easier - the kind and remorseful always threatens to reel me back in. Can I have a sense check please people?

@Nogoodusername Here is a sense check…..
Think about the bad times, can they in anyway be considered normal? A piece of anonymous internet advice I got was judge a relationship on how it is when things are bad, not when things are good.

one example in my life that comes to mind was when I had had to do an emergency dash to my parents after my mother had broken her shoulder (she was 90 ish and my father’s carer). He called me at 3 am to tell me to come home because he was too drunk to look after one of our dogs…..What would a normal loving partner have done in those circumstances????
I never worked out ‘detaching with love’ either….doesn’t work with a controlling, angry person…just fuels the fire.
look after yourself, you know the remorse doesn’t last 🌿

It absolutely doesn’t last @Userccjlnhibibljn8. If this mood even lasts two days I will be stunned.

When things were bad: I spent a month sharing end of life care for my Dad with my brother. It was brutal. Ex? Made it about himself. It was so hard for him that I wasn’t around to support him. He felt excluded from my family unit. Etc. Was deep in relapse at the time. Definitely had a suicide threat and then going awol incident (he always enjoyed punishing me by turning phone off having told me how he would kill himself - hanging or overdose etc - so I would be panicking trying to find him wondering if he was dead or alive) as I was still processing sitting with my Dad’s dead body waiting for the pit of hours doctor to arrive to do time of death etc.

What finally made me leave - after many years of agony and indecision was I found a picture of myself as a little kid (maybe 4 years old). I saved it as a screen saver on my phone for a while and every time I looked at it I thought - does she deserve to suffer like this? I couldn’t do it for myself but I could do it for her if you know what I mean (sounds weird but I don’t have any children of my own to do it for I guess).
In the end I was able to say I tried my absolute best for such a long time and it didn’t make any difference, I couldn’t save him but I could save myself

@Nogoodusername
mine was also a complete selfish Arsehole after my mum died. I think I got one hug then business as usual. He even said a few weeks after her death “we get on better now have you noticed?”. That was the beginning of the end

Oh this was me too! I spent 2 weeks with my parents because my dad was dying, and then there was the funeral to arrange. This was in the Netherlands where it all has to be done in 7 days. I was doing all that, supporting my mum (also an alcoholic by that point) and he made it all about him. It was a major factor in me ending the marriage a year later.

@Nogoodusername @pointythings
Me too. I lost my grandmother and my step father 18 hours apart which was horrendous for my mother, losing her mum and husband so close together. So I stayed with her for a fortnight, and Ex DP spent the whole time drunk and sending suicide threats. God forbid my attention ever be focused anywhere other than him.

One on level is makes me feel better that my husband wasn’t unique and I am not crazy to think it was out of order….on another so sad that so many women are being let down and don’t have the support you would normally expect.

All I wanted was a cup of tea when I got home and a feeling that he would keep things running while I was away dealing with life.

Hello.

I posted not long ago about my current situation.

I am feeling so stressed and scared today. I am split up from my ex and moved out last year and he still has the kids some (50 50) time. He is apparently still drinking around them.

I have made the call to local children's services and they are going to call him and offer support. I have no idea how he will react or if there will be emotional repercussions on the kids.

Well done for making that call. Extremely brave and exactly the right thing to do.

Thank you. I am just starting to calm down but I don't know if I will be able to eat tonight.

I do not think he will take it well and I am prepared that he may try counter accusations. I just wish there was a way I could say to him "I know this is sh1t, but I genuinely want the best for the kids and for you to have a good relationship with them."

It's not even about me now. But I now feel like I couldn't have done this if I was still with him. This has been so hard and I'm sure it's not over.

@StosbyNillsAndCash you've done the right thing - in fact you've done what you had to do to protect your kids. The chances are that he won't take it well but that's not relevant. He is making terrible choices and these choices have consequences -discussing that rationally with him won't be possible.You want him to have a good relationship with the children, but if he is drinking around them that isn't happening and that in itself will be affecting them emotionally. He can make counter accusations if he likes. He'll be lying and you're not. I expect children's services will see right through him.

I agree - children's services have seen it all before. You've absolutely done the right thing.

If you can't eat, try hot tea with some sugar just to get something into you.

I think a friend must have slipped back into active addiction. I have tried to call her every week or so and she doesn't answer or return my calls.

When I was on maternity leave she was unemployed and we used to meet once or twice a week for a walk/ coffee.

I am worried but I don't think there is much/ anything I can do. I'd love to speak to her mum and check if she is OK but I feel that would be over stepping the mark

That sounds really hard @shewillneverstop . Could you maybe send her mum a brief message? I do get what you're saying about overstepping but her mum might really appreciate it.