Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

@Nogoodusername i completely agree.
This thread is extremely helpful. I don’t always post, but I always read. And on the days I’m struggling, i think the advice and experiences shared from the people on here help keep me strong, knowing I’m doing the right thing, and I feel less alone.

Signing into this thread.

Currently living with an alcoholic in ‘recovery’. On probation from drink driving last August (second time caught in 3 months), attending weekly sessions with the Probation service (PS). Lost his driving license so now totally reliant on my to travel anywhere.
I use quotations when I say the word recovery because I know it’s not real. He says all the right things, both to me and to the PS, but he drinks as much as he ever has (just not on days he knows he has to go to probation sessions). I never know what version of him I’m going to come home to. I constantly feel on edge because of the tirades I get when I say the ‘wrong things’. I don’t know if I love him anymore, I don’t see how I am supposed to love him when he treats me so awfully. There are special moments, when he’s lucid and we have a nice day together, but then there are the moments he’ll leave me in a heap on the floor after a verbal beating. I guess that’s a form of control, keep me questioning myself. I just don’t know where to go. We moved in together but legally the house is in my name. I know he will never leave, he’s told me enough times, so I’m just stuck in this cycle forever I suppose. It truly makes me question my self-worth.

Do you own or rent? Either way he can be made to move out; get legal advice.

And leave him. A life without an alcoholic in it is priceless. You have the clarity to see him for what he is. Use it.

There it is, there is always a little bit of the person you fell in love with there to remind you and give you hope. …

more practically it might be helpful for you to get in touch with Woman’s aid for advice on how to get him out of your house. It sounds like you are in a strong position and if you are not married and there are no children then things should be fairly straightforward (but not easy)
🪻

@Lozzie89 mine lived with me and our DD after losing his own rented place due to his drinking. I naively thought at the time that losing his home would make him appreciate that I was willing to put a roof over his head and realise just how much his drinking was costing him.. nope.
After moving in with me, his drinking became worse, and he also became abusive - verbally, emotionally, mentally, but never physically. I kicked him out before it had a chance to progress to that (after several threats when I wouldn’t give him money for alcohol.)
He too refused to leave. Many a time I called the police to have him removed, but he always managed to talk me back around when he was sober. And the same cycle kept repeating until I said enough is enough.
He wouldn’t go, baring in mind that he was jobless and not contributing a penny, living off me, tenancy in my name.
So the next time he stormed out drunk looking for more drink (after giving me a load of abuse again), I just got the locks changed and refused to let him back in. He had no rights to be there, and I was done with being abused in my own home, especially in front of my young DD.

@Lozzie89 The life on edge is hideous. I too never knew which version of my ex I would get. I guess sometimes they have to be nice and lucid to keep us on her toes, keep hoping, keep thinking we might be able to support ‘enough’ to help them turn it around. Mine could definitely tell when I was reaching my rock bottom and reel me back in a bit. The moments of lucid, of kind, get fewer and fewer the longer the addiction persists. If he is still using then you know it isn’t recovery. It’s a half life and you can break free.

Oh I had one of those texts the other day

I just ignored as knew he had a drink from the warbling

of I reply when he’s drink it just kicks off. So better to ignore
and he seems to forget about it till the next time /next drink

but he isn’t drinking - or so he says

it’s so obvious when he had from the texts he sends to me - or the long winded ones to friends /family or the ranting on Facebook

Tried to call my mum last night, she didn't answer.

Got a text at nearly 7pm saying 'in meeting, will catch up later'

She never normally uses normal text. And finishes work at 5pm. She didn't want to speak to me.

Is it normal/ OK that I just accept her lie? Even though I know that is code for I am too drunk to speak on the phone.

I find it easier to accept the lie. But also feel guilty for not confronting her and trying to get her help

Let her lie. Let it slide. These are her choices and you cannot stop her from making them. The best thing you can do as someone who has an addict in their life is accept that you are completely powerless to help. Your guilt about not a ting is just something you are beating yourself up with. Put it down, step back. You don't own her problems.

It's hard. It's also the only way.

I can ALWAYS tell when ex is drinking from the long winded texts and emails to me, friends and family. The man writes war and peace of woe and pity and how we have all let him down by failing to understand what addicts need. He’ll also then tell us how much rehab and therapy and support he has had and therefore how well he is doing. Reality? This is months ago and he has been to next to sod all for months. It’s a magic and fictional recovery. Sigh.

Totally understand this, used to feel exactly the same.

If I didn't challenge, I felt like I was condoning it. I wanted her, and the whole world, to know that it was just wrong. I wanted recognition of how wrong it was, and it drove me mad that there didn't seem to be any. I also used to spend huge amounts of time carefully planning my speeches. If I could just find the right angle, the most incisive words, then I might have a chance of getting her to see sense.

Those feelings are so powerful, but sadly, acting on them doesn't help. I never felt better afterwards. All of that anger and frustration needs to come out, but when I hurled it at her, it bounced right back at me and reminded me how utterly powerless I was.

The only thing that did help was writing it all out, or talking to my partner (who is calm), just to get the feelings out. I would say 'it's wrong, I hate it' and it really helped to just have someone else agree.

@Lozzie89 he may never leave voluntarily but you certainly don't have to let him stay. He has no legal right to be there so don't remain 'stuck' another day because you aren't. Take steps to have him removed. You'll be so much happier without him in your life. How dare he abuse you while you're putting a roof over his head and providing a free taxi service? As @amlie8 says, directing your frustration and anger at an alcoholic is time wasted, but you can use your anger to spur you into action to fix your own life.

I stumbled across this thread earlier in the week. Wasn't quite ready to post but have just worked out DH drinks 140+ units per week. He's going to die, isn't he?

It's certainly a case of very serious alcohol misuse, and in the long term it absolutely will have major consequences for his health. The human body can take enormous amounts of abuse and keep on going - until it can't carry on and then it tends to collapse in pretty catastrophic style.

The main question however isn't about how much your DH drinks - it's about whether you want to continue living with his drinking. You don't have to stay. I suspect you've already had the part where you've tried talking to him about it and where he denies having a problem and that 'everyone drinks like this'. So what is next? Do you work, what is your housing situation, are there children in this (they should be a driving factor towards leaving, because having an alcoholic for a parent increases their risk of abusing alcohol themselves).

One thing I will tell you: life without someone with this level of alcohol use is amazing. I'm 7 years out and I still have moments where I realise just how free, safe and happy my life is without my alcoholic late husband. And yes, it was alcohol that caused the heart disease that killed him.

Please stay here and post/vent. Ask whatever questions you want: this is a safe place where everything can be said.

Hi @Thefellowship. I left my alcoholic ex nearly two months ago. He was on about 200 units a week when he was in active addiction, This was the vast majority of the past two years. He was in rehab three times, relapsed immediately after once (same day), a couple of weeks later after one of them, and managed about 7 weeks the last time.

yes, it’s a really really serious level. At that level, my ex was hell to be with: he couldn’t hold a calm/ kind mood for longer than two hours, he was full of self pity and anger and rage, he lost any access to his children (previous marriage), his business folded because he was unreliable and made mistakes and lost his clients, lost friends, his relationship with his siblings fell apart.

You don’t have to live like this. It is deeply painful and traumatic and I wonder for how long I will be damaged by the past two years. Do talk to us on this thread and consider real life support - Smart recovery friends and family, Al Anon or a therapist.

He is self medicating I think. Chronic health issues causing disability, lots of pain, adhd etc. A worrying level of drinking has gone on for years but it has worsened in the last 3. We have 3 kids, 22, 18 and 16. Middle child doesn't drink as he understands he has an addictive personality and a higher chance of alcohol problems. Oldest drinks moderately but has been largely put off by her dad. Youngest has autism and currently has no interest in alcohol and doesn't understand why anyone would bother! All three kids have adhd as well.

He's never unkind, short tempered etc. And most issues are due to his disability. And I don't feel I can leave or throw him out because he really has nowhere else to go.

Please feel free to ask questions as I think that may help me get some clarity. I have talked to people that know us both about it and although the consensus seems to be that I'm pretty much stuck with this situation, I would welcome input from others who understand alcohol abuse.

I realise that made it sound like his health issues caused the ADHD. I meant that he has both things going on.

If he's drinking that much he's likely never properly sober. Does he drive?

More info - I work full time (term time only) and we own our house outright. We have been married for 25 years, together for 27.

He has made previous suicide attempts due to pain/prospect of declining mobility/loss of our business.

So many details in this are very outing. If anyone reading this knows me in real life, please keep quiet about it!

I honestly think he processes alcohol ridiculously well - we have had rows/discussons about whether he is okay to drive in the morning that led to him doing breathalysers to prove it and they've not been positive (i think about 3 times). He doesn't drive ever in the evening and not much during the day. I would immediately phone the police with no qualms at all if he drove when he had been drinking.

I will sound like I'm making excuses for everything - I've basically been thinking in circles for decades. I'm happy to have challenging conversations about it all!

It really isn't about excuses - it's about you and what you want your life to be. Realistically, with this level of drinking your DH will develop serious health consequences. You could get 'lucky' and he could just die of heart disease in the way my husband did - fast, then over. Or you could end up as his carer for a very long time, with no life of your own.

Your husband's health issues and ADHD do not excuse him from seeking out more positive coping strategies than alcohol. I know that sounds harsh, but I have young adult children who are ND - and they have all worked incredibly hard to make life work for them without resorting to substance misuse. My youngest is looking for work after completing a STEM degree (and incidentally also has serious physical health issues which mean he is in a wheelchair at 22). My middle one has ADHD but is working, in a good relationship and independent. Your DH can't just blame everything on the hand life has dealt him - he owes it to you and the DC to make the best of what he has, whether that be through therapy, a pain clinic, or ADHD medication. Don't let him off the hook.

I feel like he would never strive to make his life better. Although the kids work hard at creating strategies for themselves. He's been unable to work for the last few years and I feel like we're just sort of...stuck.

I will end up his carer either way.

I know you feel you have to, but you don't. He could go into assisted living. You don't have to throw away your life on someone who does nothing to help himself. That bit is pivotal - I would go through fire for my DS, but if he were sitting on his backside feeling sorry for himself and misusing substances, he'd be getting tough love and not a lot more.