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Alcohol support

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

The support thread for anyone trying to lead an alcohol free life.

981 replies

WendyWagon · 30/06/2024 08:50

Hello and welcome. We are a bunch of people (mainly women) trying to give up alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness
The original thread was started by @drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans who can offer advice and signposting.

We don't encourage moderation purely as it can be triggering for some to read.

I'm Wendy and I'll be the captain of the ship for the next two months or so.
I gave up drinking in January 2022.

OP posts:
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EastCoastDamsel · 06/07/2024 08:58

Morning @southernbelles . So glad you found us.

My Day 1 was in a similar vein to yours. I woke up and decided that enough was enough and I wanted a break. Initially committed to 90days but then found this thread , lurked for a couple of days, listened to This Naked almond by Annie Grace (really really worth while) which made me realise that I actually have had enough and wanted to be free from the chains of alcohol.

All the members of this thread have been so welcoming, supportive and non-judgemental. I love it here

@WendyWagon

EastCoastDamsel · 06/07/2024 09:04

Also to echo @NextPhaseOfLife do you need crisis help? Can you reach out to DH or someone IRL?

Apologies for the tag earlier @WendyWagon I started a different post and then couldn't delete your tag.

BigFatSoberLife · 06/07/2024 09:11

Hi @southernbelle

So sorry to hear how you're feeling. It might be worth calling a helpline today or seeing if you can see a gp out of hours. My dsis has had to use a few recently. She's been in a very bad way too and the helplines, then her gp have been able to help a lot. Such a good first step joining this thread. I can't tell you how supportive I've found it and honestly stopping drinking has been the best thing for my mh.

Please write away on here. Don't berate yourself about last night and be as kind as you can be to yourself. It's such a cliche but you do need to look after yourself first so you can be there for other people.

WendyWagon · 06/07/2024 09:39

@southernbelles welcome. We are here to support you.

I loved a party and could easily be talked into drinking all night. Remember the guy in four weddings, push on until dawn? That was me.
We are very lucky as mums to have someone to get sober for. Your children need you and I can honestly tell you it's lovely talking to them when your not drinking or hungover. Give it a try for a week and see how it goes.
Weeks become months and you start to feel better.
A dear friend of mine lost her son to suicide and I lost my aunt. My aunt was lovely. She was an alcoholic.
My friends son not. It is a death that never heals.
Now be kind to yourself today. Have a shower, a bit of breakfast and then order some quit lit. Most like Claire Pooley.
The past is the past and you can choose not to live there. X

OP posts:
BigFatSoberLife · 06/07/2024 09:45

BigFatSoberLife · 06/07/2024 09:11

Hi @southernbelle

So sorry to hear how you're feeling. It might be worth calling a helpline today or seeing if you can see a gp out of hours. My dsis has had to use a few recently. She's been in a very bad way too and the helplines, then her gp have been able to help a lot. Such a good first step joining this thread. I can't tell you how supportive I've found it and honestly stopping drinking has been the best thing for my mh.

Please write away on here. Don't berate yourself about last night and be as kind as you can be to yourself. It's such a cliche but you do need to look after yourself first so you can be there for other people.

@southernbelles sorry! Missed off the s

ponzusoup · 06/07/2024 09:59

@southernbelles sending huge love. take this as a moment to turn things around and show your husband and son what you can do. i started my sober journey very similarly to you , puking in my bed in front of my DP and my teen girls seeing me totally sick and useless the next day. after 40 years i stopped drinking. never thought for a moment i could but i did. that was 90 days minus one wedding ago.

for today, be kind to yourself and look after your basic needs for food and sleep. tomorrow is a new start and we are here for you.

try some quit lit? and i will post a podcast for you

ponzusoup · 06/07/2024 10:02

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

i had a good look at this from my sick bed too on day one. watched the video, rang them. curtains closed felt like shit but it helped me plan my next day and galvanise a plan for sobriety.

you are totally worth it.

Womanshour · 06/07/2024 10:10

@southernbelles welcome, you're in good company here.

The unexpected joy of being sober talks about the link between drinking and feeling suicidal. For Catherine grey when not drinking those thoughts went away, which is the same for me.

You've been given some great advice, keep posting x

ponzusoup · 06/07/2024 10:26

www.soberpowered.com/

more resources @southernbelles hope you are ok

CCmumsnet · 06/07/2024 10:41

Hello @southernbelles , we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the https://www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.🌸

Mental Health Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to mental health support. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health

southernbelles · 06/07/2024 11:42

Hi again everyone, wow what an amazing response. Thank you, I'm so glad I found this thread. Apologies for the wall of text below, you obviously don't have to read it but it helps to write.

After I posted I phoned my husband (he was only downstairs but I honestly couldn't face moving Blush), he came up & I told him how I was feeling. I had the Samaritans number ready in my phone in case I couldn't face any more. My husband was fantastic (as always), he listened, didn't judge me at all. He said not to worry about missing last night or today. I said to him that the boys would be fine if I wasn't here anymore & that the family would be better off without a mum who gets like this. He said they all desperately need me & that the feelings I was having would pass, & a lot of it was coming from being tired & dehydrated. He put me to bed, got me a glass of water & put on one of my sleep stories that I sometimes use when I'm struggling to sleep (have never used it in a hangover situation before!)

I've just woken up & this already feels like a huge turning point. I still feel ashamed but I'm trying to put that aside. I've managed to eat, brush my hair & am now sat downstairs with my boys and a cup of tea.

I'm looking forward to having a look at all the resources, I'm honestly so thankful that I posted, thank you all. I want to return to this thread to keep me going!

Itsrainingten · 06/07/2024 11:54

@southernbelles I'm so glad your husband is being so supportive. He's right they do all need you. Remember that alcohol is a depressant. You're currently suffering withdrawal and you WILL NOT feel as bad as this when that passes. You don't need to feel ashamed. We've all done it and frankly it's what alcohol DOES. it's an addictive poison.
I also felt like you do now many times. Each time I thought the world would be just fine without me jn it but that's bit true. My kids and my DH would have their lives ruined. And each time I felt like it I decided never to drink again but somehow always did. Until last December. When I didn't. I feel so much better. Honestly my mental health is 100% better than it was. And you can too. Please be kind to yourself

southernbelles · 06/07/2024 12:10

@Itsrainingten thanks so much. This morning has honestly TERRIFIED me. The bizarre thing is I stopped drinking midway through the evening & went on to water. I didn't have any dinner so that's probably what made the biggest difference. I haven't been sick from alcohol in years so didn't expect to feel as dreadful as I do. I've never felt this rough, & I've never felt the depths of despair that I did this morning. I can never go through that again

ShyMaryEllen · 06/07/2024 12:12

@southernbelles How are you today? As has been said, most of us on this thread can empathise with your situation, and there'll be no judgement. If my experience is anything to go by you'll feel dreadful for a day or two, so take advantage of that to have Day 1 while you couldn't face a drink anyway? Get some high dose B1 (thiamine) when you can - Amazon's as good a place as any if you aren't up to going to the shops, and take it as soon as possible. It's good for the brain when you stop drinking and it's important to take it sooner rather than later.

Maybe read back on this thread and similar ones? There are various accounts of how people got through the first few days - some like quit lit (I don't), others like the support from organisations such as AA and so on. You know you best, so when your head clears have a think about what would suit you, and just do it. It's not as hard as we often think.

In my case, I stopped after a particularly embarrassing incident that came on the back of another one a few days earlier. I felt physically ill, and went to the GP who was very kind and non-judgemental. He took bloods and I took to my bed for a couple of days with what felt like a fluey illness (which it may have been, or it may have been withdrawal). I stayed there out of the way and out of the reach of the wine rack until I felt better. When the bloods came back I was sent to hospital for an ultrasound and to see a consultant, who told me I had cirrhosis. By this time I had been off the booze for three weeks or so (I'd had a holiday between seeing the GP and the consultant, which delayed things, and I did drink when I was away). The shock and dread was enough to stop me drinking and not want to start again.

I developed a way of coping with it all - after decades of heavy drinking, stopping was a huge change. Not just to by body, but to my way of life, plus, I was coming to terms with a diagnosis of a life-limiting illness. Looking back, I was remarkably calm. I switched to AF wine to help with the habit aspect of drinking. I left work, which had been a huge stressor, and consequently stopped going for 'a quick drink' after work which led to getting home late and plastered most nights. I developed a routine of going to bed whether I was tired or not, having a warm bath first, and making the bedroom as welcoming as possible, with new sheets and pyjamas, and a warmer for scented oils. I'd scent the room, run a bath, add bath oil and go to bed in my new PJs feeling pampered. I didn't sleep well for ages, so I watched very long series' on TV - Downton Abbey and Stella spring to mind. The sort of thing you don't have to pay much attention to, but are enough to make being awake fairly interesting. As I didn't have to get up early I just rode it out, and eventually sleep got easier.

I carried on going out to bars etc so my life didn't change too much at first. I just ordered lime and soda or similar. After a while, a combination of not always wanting to stay out late and not being near my old workplace meant that I developed new social networks which are not based on drinking. Most of my friends can barely remember that I used to drink a lot (or they're too polite to mention it), and many have only known me sober. The interesting thing is that nobody cares, and I can have as good a time without drink as with it.

I stayed away from quit lit after a brief flirtation as I found it just made me think about alcohol. I found online sources of support (similar to this thread) and posted there, which helped. I discovered sleep hypnosis, which really helped. I liked Craig Beck, but many other alternatives are available. I listened though a sleep mask, which I still use, although I prefer sounds of rainfall to hypnosis these days.

Fast forward 7 years (well, it will be 7 years next month!) and it turns out I don't have cirrhosis at all - I do have advanced fibrosis which is not ideal, but nowhere near as bad. I work, but on a consultancy basis which I can fit around other things, and will probably do that until I finally get a pension one day. I know I'm lucky to have been able to leave my previous job, and that not everyone is in a position to do that, but for me it made all the difference. If you can work out what would make a difference to you (particular activities, certain friends, something else) and are able to cut out that one thing, it might make life easier. I found that having one huge change but keeping everything else as similar to before as possible was easier to cope with.

That's just me though. Others have different stories, and yours will be different again. If you pick and mix the things that appeal to you, you will find the right way through. I am happy to answer any liver-related questions you might have, as I know that's what people fear most. I have to say that I am not medically trained, but I've walked the walk, as they say😀.

Good luck, and keep posting. x

dylexicdementor11 · 06/07/2024 13:03

southernbelles · 06/07/2024 11:42

Hi again everyone, wow what an amazing response. Thank you, I'm so glad I found this thread. Apologies for the wall of text below, you obviously don't have to read it but it helps to write.

After I posted I phoned my husband (he was only downstairs but I honestly couldn't face moving Blush), he came up & I told him how I was feeling. I had the Samaritans number ready in my phone in case I couldn't face any more. My husband was fantastic (as always), he listened, didn't judge me at all. He said not to worry about missing last night or today. I said to him that the boys would be fine if I wasn't here anymore & that the family would be better off without a mum who gets like this. He said they all desperately need me & that the feelings I was having would pass, & a lot of it was coming from being tired & dehydrated. He put me to bed, got me a glass of water & put on one of my sleep stories that I sometimes use when I'm struggling to sleep (have never used it in a hangover situation before!)

I've just woken up & this already feels like a huge turning point. I still feel ashamed but I'm trying to put that aside. I've managed to eat, brush my hair & am now sat downstairs with my boys and a cup of tea.

I'm looking forward to having a look at all the resources, I'm honestly so thankful that I posted, thank you all. I want to return to this thread to keep me going!

@southernbelles - this is wonderful to hear. My thoughts are with you.

REP22 · 06/07/2024 13:20

Hello @southernbelles , welcome to our thread, I am glad you have found us. I'm sorry you've had such bleak times and such dark thoughts. I've been there myself, I know how painful it is and how hopeless it can feel. I would not be here today if it weren't for one of my late dogs, who literally saved my life when I'd done something very drastic to myself. A long time ago now. I'm glad that he saved me.

You've been brave enough to recognise that there's a problem and have asked for help and support. That takes massive courage. We are all human and we all fall sometimes in many different ways. It's how we pick ourselves up and keep going that matters. Don't be afraid to ring the Samaritans if you need to - I have, they're lovely and non-judgmental. Lots of resources on here and elsewhere. Different things help different people.

You're not a bad person and the world is a better place because you are alive in it. Keep going. It will be alright soon. It might not seem like it for a bit, but it will. Keep posting here if you want to. It's safe here and people are kind. I value each and every one of the friends on here - they've got me through some of my own recent dark nights of the soul, even though I have failed and faltered at times.

Sending love and strength to you and to all. x

NextPhaseOfLife · 06/07/2024 13:21

Morning again @southernbelles 💕

Your DH sounds lovely.

I picked up such a lot of help from this thread, including various podcasts that I had never heard of or considered.

Here's an episode from F&@cking Sober that might resonate - the one where the mum wakes up in a cold, tight dread with a 'I can't do this anymore' realisation.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/f-cking-sober-the-first-90-days/id1538804959?i=1000593690932

Keep posting. We are listening and rooting for you 💕💕

NextPhaseOfLife · 06/07/2024 13:25

@ShyMaryEllen

You've inspired me to fancy up my bedroom and improve my nighttime routine.

  • jt should be a haven and yet at the moment it's a clothes graveyard - my poor DH, he's fighting a losing battle and deserves better!
ShyMaryEllen · 06/07/2024 13:47

NextPhaseOfLife · 06/07/2024 13:25

@ShyMaryEllen

You've inspired me to fancy up my bedroom and improve my nighttime routine.

  • jt should be a haven and yet at the moment it's a clothes graveyard - my poor DH, he's fighting a losing battle and deserves better!

You really should 😀

It made such a difference to me. I've decorated since, but at the time I had no energy for such things, and just made the bed nice and so on. I used the same oil in the warmer as the bath oil (Aromatherapy Associates) so I associated the smell with going to sleep, and the regular hypnosis helped with that - whether the hypnosis or the routine of listening did the trick I don't know, but it doesn't matter. Knowing that I could watch TV if I couldn't sleep took some of the fear of lying awake for hours away, too.

For me, it was all about the habit of drinking. Opening a bottle at a particular time, pouring it into a wine glass and sitting down to relax in the evening was ingrained. I found that I could still do that with AF drinks. I replaced the habit of falling into bed with one of enjoying the routine that (eventually) became associated with sleep.

PissPotPourri · 06/07/2024 13:55

Hello @southernbelles.
What a dreadful morning for you, but as others (including your dh) have said, this is alcohol depression talking, as well as your emotions.
I just wanted to add that I’ve had so many mornings like you describe. But it takes one, one particularly bad one, to actually change your life. This can be yours. Use it as the inspiration and power you need to make that change. You CAN never feel like this again. You CAN be the mum you want to be, spending time with your DH and dc. You NEVER have to feel like this again and it is in your ability to make the change.
You’ve made a great start of writing your thoughts down this morning and that means you have something to refer to whenever you feel tempted.
Welcome to your new start. You are not alone.

bornonvalentines · 06/07/2024 13:59

Morning everyone. I made it to 26 days AF last month, then went for one g and t in the sunshine and the rest is miserable history.

Back to Day one again. I'm actually stewarding at a music festival this weekend with a local beer tent.

Happy England Mens' Football Day to those who celebrate x

Crunchymum · 06/07/2024 15:07

I don't know what else is going on in your life @southernbelles so I won't offer any false hope that being AF will fix everything.

But I can tell you that we've all been there to some degree. We've all had that feeling of wanting to give up, the feeling of desolation and worthlessness, the feelings of not wanting to be here, the feelings of not wanting to carry on.

I never wanted to give up on life per se but drinking was such a part of my life they sometimes felt like one and the same.

I still have a lot of work to do, I still have issues in my life that cause me great pain but since I stopped drinking I've never felt that same level of despair about things. I have shit days and shit times but I've never dragged down to that level since I've been sober.

Be very kind to yourself, show yourself the same compassion and kindness you would show a friend or loved one in this situation.

southernbelles · 06/07/2024 16:32

Thank you again to those who have responded since I last posted. It's so strange, I never thought I'd be posting about this. Alcohol isn't a daily problem for me BUT I do drink pretty much every weekend, & a lot of the time it stems from trying to numb anxiety. I've had some fantastic treatment for anxiety & it's now managed through medication. Generally life is going really well & anxiety isn't the problem it used to be, but it's always there to some degree & I suppose subconsciously I look forward to 'taking the edge off' at weekends. But I often overdo it & drink far more than my DH.

Alcohol has always been a HUGE part of family life growing up, both immediate & extended family. It's been present at all parties, holidays, weddings, social occasions, weekends, everything. And not just present, but the focal point. So it's always been completely normalised, & more than that, equated with happiness & celebration. There's always been an element of judgement of those that don't drink, & jokes & pressure to join in. My brother & to an extent my sister have moved away from the drinking culture & will quite happily not drink at family occasions, & are not the types to be pressured into it. So I'm known to be the sibling that does drink, & my dad especially will encourage it.

southernbelles · 06/07/2024 16:39

It's also frustrating because in all other ways I look after myself so strictly. I eat healthily, exercise most days, am always looking to learn & am big on self-improvement. The past 5 years I have focused so much on making my body healthier after years of eating disorders. Body image is a huge problem for me & I am pretty obsessive about my weight. And yet I drink god knows how many calories at weekends, & damage my body with it. I have ongoing stomach problems from eating disorders & alcohol just makes it worse. I'm so bloody cross with myself & my failure to stop being so sodding weak!!! My willpower is so strong in everything but this.

The last couple of occasions where I have had too much to drink I've also vaped. I have never even tried smoking or drugs, & I think vaping is so gross. But recently a few drinks and vapes seem like a good idea. I'm scared that I'm losing control in my apparent quest for numbing anxiety.