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Alcohol support

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

The support thread for anyone trying to lead an alcohol free life.

981 replies

WendyWagon · 30/06/2024 08:50

Hello and welcome. We are a bunch of people (mainly women) trying to give up alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness
The original thread was started by @drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans who can offer advice and signposting.

We don't encourage moderation purely as it can be triggering for some to read.

I'm Wendy and I'll be the captain of the ship for the next two months or so.
I gave up drinking in January 2022.

OP posts:
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Souredgrapes · 04/08/2024 11:08

Morning @WendyWagon morning @EastCoastDamsel . Thank you for thinking of me despite your own difficulties. X

WendyWagon · 04/08/2024 11:51

@eastcoastdamsel
My DD went through a few years of aggressive behaviour towards me. It actually wasn't about me but she took everything out on me. She was 14/15 when it started. She had been bullied and sucked in by an Internet community.
By the time I joined this thread in 2022 she had started to recover. I was sober and available for her. Thank God I did give up the booze. It enabled me to fight for her and she is doing well. (I don't talk about her issues on this thread as it is a very divisive subject).

I think the new car comes in October.
I am off to do a bit of food shopping and then gardening.

OP posts:
ShyMaryEllen · 04/08/2024 12:22

I haven't discussed my drinking with my children either. They both live away now, and tend to come home with partners, so there is rarely a chance to speak privately. I don't know if I want to, or if it will help. If I thought it would, I would do it, however painful, but realistically all I can do is be there for them now, (which I am), and hope they forgive me.

@Souredgrapes if you think there is physical addiction it might not be wise to be entirely AF for the holiday, although I totally understand about the 'never stop at one' thing - I'm sure we all do. Is there time to ask your GP for benzos? Or is there a drink you don't like that you could keep in your knicker drawer when away, and have a rationed dose now and then for medicinal purposes when you are not with your daughter? It's rubbish, isn't it? I know that awful sense of self-sabotage that goes with the territory. However much we want to do (or not do) something, we are drawn to do it, even when we know we will hate ourselves afterwards. I'm sorry you're going through that.

Are you self-catering? If not, and you're not cooking, that link will be broken, and if you are, it will be in a different kitchen, or you could ask others to do it sometimes, or eat out at times, so you're not thinking about the glass of wine.

REP22 · 04/08/2024 14:01

@Souredgrapes Hello there, nice to see you again. Hope you are having an OK day. Keep going. ❤

@WendyWagon I really hope that the conversation with your DS hasn't brought you down too low. Hopefully it signals a future path of forgiveness and healing. I know you said he'd not really been himself lately, perhaps he was building himself up to say something and things will get better now? I hope so. Exciting about the new car, hope all goes well there.

@EastCoastDamsel sorry you're still not feeling great, and there is discord in your world. It must be very difficult. But you don't owe your DM your efforts to fix her attitude and emotions. I'm sorry, that sounds harsh. My own M was not a good one; abusive in a number of ways, some of which continue. I am expected to problem solve and make her life better. But I do what I can without drawing the inevitable fallout onto my own head repeatedly (and Sid has proved an unanticipated ally in this). She's an adult and responsible for her own situation and emotions. Perhaps your DD - like Sid - has seen how your DM behaves, reacts and treats you and she doesn't like it, so is responding as she does because she understands and hates it but doesn't know how to handle it/respond? It certainly doesn't make for an easy life for you though. Could you try and encourage your DM to gently disengage from the intensity of her contact with you and find companionship, activities and engagement elsewhere, so that it doesn't feel like she's encroaching on every aspect of your DD's and your lives? Maybe your DD just wants some quality time with her mum/immediate family, without the presence of a constantly-critical third, who makes her feel insignificant and humiliated - I mention this, as when younger, I often had to endure the company of an overly critical older relative, who delighted in regularly pointing out my physical and character failings and inadequacies. Rarely, if ever, was anything said in my favour or defence, the lack of support hurt as much as the tacit silence or subtly-spoken-to-keep-the-peace-agreements. It's a difficult age to be, in any situation. The Stately Homes or Cockroach Cafe threads on MN are ones I have found helpful at times. I'm sorry if this is unwelcome comment or if I have overstepped. Sending love for better times ahead. ❤️❤️

Somewhat ironically, I am off shortly to take my M to a stately home in a minute. Anything to get out and about. Judge for yourself how enthused and alive to the prospect is young Sidney. He can barely contain his excitement and readiness for the off.

Strength and love. xx

The support thread for anyone trying to lead an alcohol free life.
Moriartea · 04/08/2024 18:35

Hello 👋

I am a newbie, posted in the Alcohol Support section under a separate thread with my reasons for wanting to stop, currently on day 5 and going on holiday tomorrow with "heavily" (few beers/spirits per night) drinking family so a bit nervous!!

Lovely to meet you all 😊

ShyMaryEllen · 04/08/2024 18:38

Have a good holiday, @Moriartea . If you need a bit of hand-holding while you're away, give us a shout. The photos of the thread mascot Sid should keep your mind off alcohol if there's a bit of a wait for a reply.

Itsrainingten · 04/08/2024 18:41

Hi @Moriartea well done on 5 days and also I really admire you starting just before your holiday. You'll enjoy it so much more with no hangovers 😁

Moriartea · 04/08/2024 18:41

@ShyMaryEllen thank you 😊
Sid is adorable and I look forward to seeing more of him! x

Moriartea · 04/08/2024 18:43

@Itsrainingten thank you, I did think I should start afterwards but I was away recently and had a bit of a heavy 10 days so didn't want to add to that

Womanshour · 04/08/2024 18:46

@WendyWagon that must have been very hard. I hope you are OK and have been able to do something gentle today.

@Souredgrapes lovely to see you posting! I think I had some lower level withdrawal this time I stopped which scared me. @ShyMaryEllen is very wise about checking things out with a GP if you feel that maybe the case?

@EastCoastDamsel that sounds really tough. I was a tricky teen in all honestly but was also reacting to some tricky stuff tbh. Sounds like you've had a really tough year. Your DD may need to work the stuff through with your DM, as hard as it is to watch maybe they will be able to get to a better place.

I'm still here. Thank you all so much for your welcome and encouragement back after my slip, I've never managed to get back on the wagon so to speak after a fall before and I think each of your posts really helped.

Welcome @Moriartea you are in great company here x

REP22 · 04/08/2024 22:29

Welcome @Moriartea I love your username - big fans of the Sherlock Holmes books in my house! I'm glad you've found us. I've just posted on your own thread - please feel free to ask any questions. This is a great space to be - I found my way here a year or so ago (April 2023 I think); I gave up the rough stuff in 2019, but had been slipping. This thread, along with a better mindset, helped by the books The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray really helped me to get back on track.

I gave up for a lot of reasons (wanting to be alive and actually live, work and function being chief motivators) but mostly for my dog. She deserved better than drunk me and the miserable existence we were enduring thanks to my preference for drink. I did it for her. Sadly, she only survived mere months after I was discharged from the support service, pancreatic cancer took her without warning or mercy. But she helped me into sobriety and I am so, so thankful. Now fate has blessed me with another treasure that I had absolutely no right to deserve, and that is Sid (not his real name - @WendyWagon has christened him Sober Sisters Sid, and he glories in this). So now, I stay sober for him. I have slipped several times - everyone here has been incredibly kind, helpful and supportive. But, as hard as it sometimes is, I keep sober for him. He has seen me drunk and incapable. He did not like it - nor the recovery process. His maker bestowed upon him rather large, expressive and soulful eyes. The look in them when a bottle of spirits was opened and poured and I took my first sips pierced my soul. He looked hurt and betrayed and, being a dog, knew exactly the scent of what was going in. He tolerates and loves me regardless - but it cuts him to the core. Awful. So now, I steer clear for him.

I'm glad you've joined us - you're safe here; you will be heard, understood and valued. It takes great courage to face up to something like this and try to make it better - don't underestimate your bravery.

We are all on common ground and have taken different routes to get here. Sometimes there are common themes (difficult childhoods, trauma, problematic relationships can be a common, though not universal, theme). Some of us post regularly. Some of us pop up from time to time. Some of us post once and and rarely ever again. Everyone is respected and valued. We're all different, but we're all here.

Some people probably read regularly but have never posted, and never have any intention of doing so. That's fine - they are welcome too. Some people will hate reading posts by me - they are generally over-long and rambling (see here and above).

Some people will groan inwardly at the relatively recent advent of Sid and loathe the sight of his whiskery gurning face. They may even think to themselves "F---ing h-ll, if MY dog had a face like that, I'd shave his ar$e and teach him to walk backwards."

That's OK. Those people are welcome too. You can post here as much or as little as you like and we will love you all the same. I sincerely wish you all the best in your journey. It might not be easy but I promise that it WILL be worth it - and you're not alone in this.

Sid has had a rather busy weekend, what with cricket yesterday and a NT garden visit this afternoon - he had taken himself off to bed for an early night. But I prodded him awake and successfully roused him long enough to say a happy hello to @Moriartea - and a very good night to you all. We have made it through another weekend. ☺️

Strength and love to you. Keep going - it will be alright soon. xx

The support thread for anyone trying to lead an alcohol free life.
Crunchymum · 05/08/2024 07:40

Just checking in, will have a catch up.

I don't post as often these days but I'm always on the sidelines spurring everyone on.

I've just surpassed 900 days and I'm also just home from a holiday (high days and holidays were always such a trigger for me!). No urge to drink. Such a change from my first sober holiday when I was wild with anger because my chaotic drinking meant I'd had no choice other than to totally stop. Now I'm just so thankful all the noise, stress, angst and guilt around drinking has gone.

The early days and months are tough but the rewards are limitless.

It's easy for me to say of course but sometimes it helps to know there is hope for a happy and sober life.

Crunchymum · 05/08/2024 07:42

Just to add that I am in love with Sid.

We're a cat household but I always love to see his (utterly beautiful) face ❤️

Womanshour · 05/08/2024 07:48

Hello Sid! He is beautiful! Goodmorning @REP22 another wonderful post.

Thank you @Crunchymum it's always welcome to hear that this is worth it in the end.

@Souredgrapes when do you go on holiday? Any plans made? Ie nice alcohol free drinks etc. How are you feeling about it?

I had a lovely day yesterday, just relaxing with my children and dog by the sea. It was peaceful and fun. Not grotty, hungover and waiting to get home to open wine. X

EastCoastDamsel · 05/08/2024 07:52

Morning 🌅

Welcome @Moriartea so glad you found us. 🙂.

I myself just jumped on here on Day 6, I was a little nervous because everyone seemed to have such a long history together but I couldn't have felt more welcome.

Honestly, I believe that this thread and group of fabulous women is the pillar of my sobriety. I know no matter what, there is someone on here that will under and have some wise words and solidarity for what I am feeling, and no judgement.

I tend to post every day/most days, but that is because I still feel the need to be accountable everyday and no-one seems to mind my longish ramblings.

👋🏻 @Crunchymum 900 Days! Amazing.

FloordrobeIsGoingToGetME · 05/08/2024 08:30

Morning all, it's Monday!

What's everyone up to this week?

Welcome @Moriartea (also love the name!).

@Souredgrapes - hope you're doing ok. I've got a holiday coming up too. I'm pretty confident that I don't drink but I'm still mindful of it.

I'm deliberately keeping mental count of how much easier it is for me to be AF when out for occasions when others are definitely not.

It honestly now feels like a super power. I can be entirely myself and know it's me, not the booze. I make decisions that aren't influenced by Prosecco. I have clarity. I have control. It's just a revelation.

And all that from Zero Peroni or an AF Gin rather than the hard stuff 😮

Onewildandpreciouslife · 05/08/2024 08:33

Good to see you @Crunchymum - congratulations on the 900 days!

Weirdly I’ve struggled more on the last couple of holidays, but I think that’s probably down to other stuff going on. I got hit on the last holiday by the huge feeling that I’d been escaping from reality for so long through drink, that now I’ve woken up and am looking around, and I’m not sure how I got here, or if I like what I see. All a bit tricky.

Moriartea · 05/08/2024 08:47

Good morning everyone, thank you so much for the warm welcomes and hello Sid 👋

I'm off on holiday today, only camping, but going with my family (parents) who like a drink. I'm taking my two DC but my DH isn't coming as he's working this week. So there will be little support in terms of not drinking (although DH doesn't know I plan to stop completely, just that I don't want to drink this week. I haven't had that conversation with him yet as when I tried before he said I didn't have a problem and it was going a bit far to stop completely)

Anyway, I'm not doing it for other people I am doing it for me. I've tried before to stop and then been encouraged by others and I've agreed, actually I don't drink that much, what harm can it be doing? So then I'm soon back in the cycle of counting down the days until Friday when I can drink or desperately coming up with a reason to drink on another night (hooray I put the bins out, celebration time). So I've decided to stop completely because even though I don't get drunk, I don't have a hangover, I drink "normally", it still feels like an addiction to me. I hope that makes sense.

Have a fab week everyone, I am sure I'll be back checking in when holiday becomes a bit stressful and I am tempted to buy beer

EastCoastDamsel · 05/08/2024 08:57

Good luck @Moriartea .

I would really really recommend This Naked Mind as an audiobook to listen to in your holiday.

She only recommends listening (or reading) one to two chapters per day to help process the information. It really is excellent and was what made me decide that I wanted to quit forever.

ShyMaryEllen · 05/08/2024 09:04

I love the idea of sobriety as a superpower. It’s true though.

Drinking and camping don’t mix. I remember when my children were young, and a friend’s daughter had camping parties for her birthdays. Lots of us would head for the beach with borrowed tents, and set up camp with a barbecue and campfire. The adults stayed reasonably sober until the kids went to bed then the smokers and drinkers among us got going. Guy ropes are not easy to navigate at the best of times, but trying to get to the loo after two bottles of wine, in the dark and trying not to wake tents full of sleeping children is only funny if you’re not doing it. Then you have to find your way back to your own tent. Also a hangover is not ideal when you have to make breakfast for hoards of people on a primus stove in the rain.

Channel Zammo and Just Say No!

WendyWagon · 05/08/2024 09:08

Morning all,
@Crunchymum fab congrats to you my friend.

Welcome @Moriartea

I had a terrible night with the DH. He wasn't very well. Luckily I didn't have to get up and commute into London. I think that would have been a no.
The thought of doing that again in September makes me anxious.
Any meetings need to be mid morning and I'm out of there before the rush.

Hopefully some news on the DS house today. It's needing lots done and he's the man for it.
When I came back from the farmhouse viewing I got a huge feeling of calm. We live on the downs and for some reason it has a 'aah' when you drive past the trees. I have never lived in a modern house before and it feels peaceful.(no ghosties, if you believe in those things).
I'm going to investigate the local country house hotel for my birthday next year. I'll have a breakfast and see what I think. The DH didn't get his 60th due to my brother's passing. I fancy a really good do to celebrate my birthday and a massive wedding anniversary. When I was so ill earlier this year I thought I was off. I have the blue sequined frock that I didn't get to wear last NYE. The hotel is a beautiful regency house and it's near good transport links. All to be organised whilst setting up this new business.
Sid is looking his usual beautiful self @rep22

I have the BFF round this morning plotting and planning re the new company. Have a good day all.

OP posts:
REP22 · 05/08/2024 14:51

Greetings to you all.

Nice to see you again @Crunchymum - 900+ days, that's absolutely fantastic and a great encouragement to us all. I can very well identify with you about the early-days utter anger and frustration at not being able to drink. At times I was almost beside myself with indignation. You are amazing. Thank you and @Womanshour for you kind compliments to Sid; he is very flattered.

Welcome @FloordrobeIsGoingToGetME - welcome aboard. It IS almost a superpower; it takes great courage and strength to fly sober, and a great feeling when we make it.

So sorry to hear about Mr. Wagon @WendyWagon - I hope he will be OK, and that you can catch up on your rest. September will be OK - hopefully you can fix your meetings to suit you and all will be well. The farmhouse sounds fantastic (and hopefully ghoulie-free, thought the benign ones aren't bad). The downs are a lovely place to be. I say go for it with your celebration plans. You are worth celebrating, and deserve every sparkle. 💖

Every good wish for the holiday @Moriartea - it sounds like you're going into it wise and ready and I hope you have a wonderful, happy time. It may be tricky with your folks, but I've no doubt your DC will long cherish the memories made with the best version of you that there is. I agree with all your sentiments; you sound very wise.

I have enjoyed camping in the past, though not done it for a few years. Once camped in a field with horses. Massive thunderstorm in the night, guy ropes and distance to loo tent did not blend well. But generally fun. I agree with @ShyMaryEllen - the idea of holidaying under canvas while p-ssed/hungover is deeply uninviting. Similarly also our last holiday accommodation - very lovely but staircase up to bed as demonstrated by Sid below: also not a good idea when drunk.

Have a wonderful week, whatever you are up to. 🙂x

The support thread for anyone trying to lead an alcohol free life.
ShyMaryEllen · 05/08/2024 16:19

Gawd! I don't know if it's the angle of the photo, but that looks as though it was built by someone p-ssed/hungover! Possibly in a thunderstorm.

Sid looks suitably unimpressed😂

WendyWagon · 05/08/2024 18:32

@rep22
I actually saw a cottage with stairs like that last year (or late in 2022).it would have been a nightmare for me now with my mobility issues. Sometimes someone is trying to save us! 😄

OP posts:
REP22 · 05/08/2024 19:14

@WendyWagon and @ShyMaryEllen hehe, yes! Sid was as philosophical as ever and skipped up and down. I'm not so great with heights. Plus the light switches were downstairs, so ascent had to be made in the dark or by phone/torchlight. Especial fun the night a bat got in as well... I think Sid actually quite liked his lofty perch halfway up the stairs! x

The support thread for anyone trying to lead an alcohol free life.