@Souredgrapes oh sweetheart. I am so sorry life is repeatedly kicking you in the proverbials at the moment, the car crash and everything. You don't deserve this. I know how much you are hurting - outside and inside - at the moment and that every small thing feels almost impossible. I wish I had a magic word or spell to make it all go away and heal your hurts in one instant. I really wish I did, but I know that no words really help. I have been where you are right now. I remember every single second of it and how desperately grim it was.
You are not alone. You are not a bad person. We don't hate you for having been drinking. One thing that I have taken from this thread, and one of the reasons why it means so much to me, on an ongoing basis - when we sympathise and say we care about you - we mean it.
I can only echo what the wiser folks on here have already said - I was going to say pretty much what @EastCoastDamsel has posted. But I will add my own thoughts, if you'll both indulge and forgive me.
I did try AA - they were welcoming and friendly but it wasn't for me. At first because there were people there who I viewed as "worse than me" and developed a mindset along the lines of "well, I can't be an alcoholic because I'm not as bad as THAT poor s#d", which was highly unhelpful (and not true). I approached my GP for help and was referred to an addiction recovery service called Inclusion, where I had a support worker and attended SMART recovery sessions (Self-Help Addiction Recovery | UK Smart Recovery), which I did find helpful. They also offered online sessions. Inclusion certainly helped me a great deal; I can't speak highly enough of them. Inclusion website: Drug & Alcohol Services - Inclusion - hopefully they might have a service in your area to help, or they may be able to advise if you reach out to them.
SMART recovery and the support was very helpful. But ultimately I was successful because I wanted to be. I knew I was killing myself, the effects were becoming more and more obvious, along with the impacts on my lasting health future. I was ashamed of myself and the miserable existence that I was living and condemning my dog to live as well. I wanted sobriety. So, I engaged properly with the support on offer, faced the issues and somehow got through it.
I am going to link to this MN thread - but I will warn you that it is grim reading and upsetting. I'm linking it because it spoke to me in ways that others had not, about the reality of what awaited me if I did not stop drinking. And sooner, rather than later at the rate I was then going. I do not want to frighten you - or anyone - but I knew for certain that this is where I was heading, and it gave me sufficient pause. Approach with caution, and know that I am only sharing this from a place of kind concern: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4785295-the-reality-of-the-end?page=1
I found Clare Pooley's book "The Sober Diaries" extremely helpful and, later, also "The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober" by Catherine Gray. The One for the Road podcast by Sober Dave was also good, though I am not really a podcast person. I now use the I Am Sober app on my phone (it's free). I took each day as it came (a cliche but it works) and celebrated each sober morning internally, and each returning sober feeling. I began to look at alcohol like a poison, slowly killing me. You wouldn't put alcohol into your car's petrol tank - it would destroy the engine. It's the same for humans.
I did it for myself, because I needed/wanted to. I hated being reliant on the bus (I surrendered my driving licence voluntarily as I knew I was becoming unsafe and choosing drinking over everything else. It took me five years to get my licence back and even now I still have to have annual medicals. And this was from a voluntary surrender. Not a drink driving incident. Alas, when it comes to drinking, it can sometimes boil down to having to make the choice of which one you want more: a driving licence or drinking? Because - especially as the level of drinking creeps up (it always does, obviously or by stealth. I'm not going to say what I was putting away at my worst points, though I will if asked) - you can't have both. Is it worth not being able to drive because you want a few glasses of wine of an evening? After a number of years, I made the choice that the booze was not worth it - though only after years of enslavement to possibly the UK's sh£ttiest bus service.) And I was feeling like sh#t, firstly most days at times, then some times every day, then all the time, every day. But mostly I did it for the dog. They deserved better than the me I was. The look in their eyes when I poured yet another glass. It pierced my soul.
I hated myself. I still do, really, a lot of the time. But drinking doesn't help that. It makes it worse. Alcohol is a depressant drug; that's a scientifically-proven fact. I take anti-depressants every day; I have done since I was a child and will until the day I die, probably. That's OK. But they were counter-productive when I was drinking. The booze cancelled out any effect that my prescription was having. I think it's the idea of drinking that pulls us, rather than the drinking itself.
I'm another one who cannot moderate. I just can't. So I must not have any in the house. Harder than ever on Fridays. But if I buy some intending to have "just a couple" I know I won't. I will drink it all - over two nights perhaps, but at most two nights. A 70cl bottle of vodka. So I tell myself (every night at first, but less often now) that I'll get some tomorrow. Just for tonight, I'll give it a miss. I can get some tomorrow. And then repeat, repeat, repeat.... I promise that it does get easier. I also use the I Am Sober app (it's free). Helpful for tracking progress and the occasional inspirational quote. I have something innocent playing on permanent loop/autoplay through the night (at the moment it's old series of QI on the BBC iPlayer), so that I am never alone with my thoughts in the evening, or if I should wake at night. And I treat every sober morning as a victory I have won; another nightly dragon slain.
And this thread, of course. Where you are heard, appreciated and understood.
I won't lie - it is not easy. At times it is very hard indeed, painful. But I can absolutely guarantee you that it is worth it.
I am so, so sorry for harping on. That's always my trouble - I never know when to shut up. I very sincerely hope that nothing I have written/shared upsets you or sounds patronising or hectoring. If it does, then I am very sorry. That was not my intent.
Please keep posting @Souredgrapes. You are a lovely person and the world is a better place because you are alive in it. You are just taking a real beating from life's sh!t-stick at the moment, and that's not fair. But the wine is only ever a mask. It's a sticky-plaster over a gaping wound. It might numb the pain, but the wound continues to bleed on beneath it and cannot heal by itself. If you tear off the plaster, the light can get in and the scar can begin to seal over and start to mend. But, as we all know, ripping off a sticky-plaster can sometimes hurt like f-ck. We'll stand beside you as you give it a tug,
Sending you much love. Keep us posted, and never give up giving up. However many times it takes. ❤️❤️x