New April continuing thread for living an alcohol free life - all welcome

[livingalivelife]

Hello! This is the continuation of a thread started originally by drybird, and subsequently continued by many fabulous and now sober mumsnetters. It's provides huge amounts of non-judgmental support, cameraderie and good humour to anyone venturing on an alcohol free life.

I've been on the thread several times, lapsed and been welcomed back, which I have hugely appreciated. This time I am determined to stay AF and I'm now on day 44. There is so much experience here on offer - how to get through that first sober Friday night, family party, night out, festive celebration, work do etc etc. And also loads of info on great resources to help in the AF journey - podcasts, books, websites, different kinds of support groups and counselling, or going it alone - the emphasis is on whatever works for you.

This is a thread for those who are living alcohol free, and if you're looking to cut down (lucky you if you're one of those people can have one glass of wine and not think - what's the point of that?), there are other great threads elsewhere in the alcohol topic for moderate drinking.

Looking forward to more clearheaded, shamefree mornings and sober adventures ahead ...

@ShyMaryEllen just to offer an alternate viewpoint. I personally found therapy absolutely triggering. Making myself remember things that I suppressed from my childhood wasn't helpful, although I recognise it totally CAN be for some people. I think it depends on personality type as well as the type of trauma in your past. For me, my brain buried those things for a reason. Reliving them was the opposite of what I needed (personally). I think CBT might be more useful for me but I haven't tried it yet.
Sorry everyone who has found therapy useful. I'm not trying to overwrite your experiences and I'm glad it helped you. Just wanted to make it clear it's not a given that it will help everyone x

@Itsrainingten I do see that too. My therapist wanted to discuss stuff I didn't. I closed that down. I have only ever talked about certain aspects of my childhood with the BFF. It was out and buried! She also wanted to explore one of my DC and that's not her business either. Too new, too in the moment.
Try if you want to, I've known people use hypnosis but I attract the ones who start going on about my past lives and want to regress me. I'm scared of ghosts so that's no.
Off to make the Yorkshire batter.

@ShyMaryEllen I agree with the comments of others. I think there isn't a right or wrong answer just what works for you. I have had therapy twice before, once was therapy after sexual assault and once was bereavement counselling. Both were really specific and helpful. Both I did ages after the events but because they were still causing me problems.

@HappyAsAGrig so pleased about the 8 hours sleep. I do hope you find something that helps. X

Checking in. We had a friend over for dinner on Friday night, dh and I used pretty much all the pots between us, woke up on Sunday to find the dishwasher had clogged and not run. But at least I didn’t have to tackle all the dirty dishes with a hangover.
Picking up my exercise again and trying to be realistic in my expectations. Today was Apple Fitness yoga and a 20 minute swim. The older I get the less I like exercise, but I’ve committed to a long distance walk in the summer so need to get on with it.

Had a funeral on Friday and god was it hard work without drinking.

It was a dear friend's parent but the wake was a boozy affair.

I ended up leaving after a few hours as I was getting more and more annoyed watching everyone get drunk. Thankfully I'd made plans with a friend to go for dinner (friend had travelled in from a different country and we'd planned to attend the all elements of the funeral but then go off together) but even she was tipsy and it just wound me up. It was all about me and my feelings of course but it was so hard for me, even two years down the line.

I feel like such a selfish cow, but yeah the wake was really triggering.

* my lovely friend who had lost her parent was and will always be none the wiser about my feelings at the wake but I couldn't wait to leave.

I am going to have to think very carefully about how I attend future events as I'm not ready for boozy encounters.

Sounds grim @Crunchymum . We had friends over for dinner last night and it was a very boozy affair- I find it harder and harder to tolerate these days. What I want out of an evening has changed so much. I definitely don’t want to go back - it’s just hard being so out of kilter with everyone else

That's exactly how it feels.

I just don't know how to be around people who are drinking?

I've been fine with dinner out / meals at people's houses (which I appreciate is your bone of contention this weekend) but it's the first time I've been around people just drinking to get wasted. I was quite reviled to be honest. Not by my friend and her family, they'd just buried a parent so anything goes but I was disgusted by everyone else who just sees this as the norm? Doesn't help it was a proper old school pub, sticky floors and plastic glasses if you wanted to go into the beer garden. So not my type of place at all, even when I was drinking.

I just feel a bit confused about it all. I didn't want to drink, but I was annoyed I was the odd one out.

Morning lads,
Up a bit later due to too much cooking over the weekend.
I can't really give advice re drunk people. I've avoided them to be honest. My two big boozy mates have not been in touch and the BFF is one of those people who can drink or not. She was a great support in the early days. Perhaps we end up like ex smokers? It would be nice if we didn't have to serve other people drinks. A bit like a non smoking household. But it's so socially ingrained it would be seen as rude. I'm all for the grim pictures on bottles. It would have helped me.

A bit of work to do today. All quiet here.

I decided at the start that I wasn't going to change where I went, although leaving work meant that the frequency went down a lot. I carried on going out and seeing the same people, and let things find their own level, which they did after a while. The only difference (and it was a big one) was that I didn't drink. I stuck to lime and soda then.

I lost two 'friends' - one was a colleague (the vomiting one in the Blackpool hotel🥳) and a heavy drinker. We'd had holidays together as well as nights out and I thought we were close, so it hurt, but I guess I was more of a drinking buddy to her than a friend. The other was someone I had lunch with once a week. She was one of those people who claims to be a social drinker but got wasted every time we went out. With hindsight I think I was her cover story - 'Oh, you know what it's like when you go out with Ellen' sort of thing. Again, not nice, but TBH I'm well rid of both of them. Nobody else even noticed, as far as I know. If they did, well, they said nothing to me, and I don't care what they say to anyone else. Who drinks what and how much only matters to drinkers, I'm sure - nobody else cares.

I do notice people move from sober to drunk on a night out, though. I used to be ahead of them most of the time, so it didn't show unless someone was dancing on the table, but now I notice the shifts from slighly more talkative to indiscreet, then from argumentative to aggressive and so on. I don't see that much though, as I move in more normal circles (as far as drinking goes anyway) and most people stop at the talkative stage. What I did find was that you only have to turn down a drink once and it's accepted that you're on soft drinks for the night. People are used to that - drivers, pregnant women, people on medication and so on - and as I say, they rally don't care. It didn't take long for me to not even have to say it once. I stuck to my 'feeling unwell' story and shifted it to one that said 'I stopped when I felt rubbish and realised I didn't miss it'. Now quite a few people I know have only ever heard the second version - life moves on.

Re the therapy - I'll have a think, and thanks for the support.

I started a new podcast yesterday called sober powered. The episode I heard was all about the healing that happens in the first 100 days in the brain.

It was really interesting, one of the things it talks about is how the reward and mood regulation centres in the brain are impacted negatively by alcohol. Stopping helps the brain to heal but it takes time so the need to be patient.

I just found it really interesting as my emotions are all over the place and to think this could improve if I don't drink again was really reassuring.

Hope you've all had good days x

Morning all.
Sounds a good podcast @Womanshour . Being sober has made such a huge difference to my mental health. Before I stopped my depression was borderline severe, but I managed to come off the antidepressants about a year after getting sober.
I have my monitoring scans tomorrow. I had cancer (melanoma) 5 years ago, and I’ve been getting scanned every 6 months since then to check it hasn’t recurred. Those who’ve been on these boards a while know I get very twitchy with scanxiety waiting to see the consultant in a couple of weeks.

@Onewildandpreciouslife I hope everything goes ok with your scan. At 5 years if no recurrence will you go down to less frequent monitoring?
Melanoma is a birch. I know it can often be genuinely cured though so I really hope that's the case for you

Good luck for tomorrow. x

@Onewildandpreciouslife good luck for tomorrow.

Nothing to report here. End of the month fights.

@Onewildandpreciouslife good luck tomorrow. I hope it all goes smoothly for you. Thank you for sharing the positive of stopping drinking that gives me some hope x

Thanks all. Today is the easy part (apart from the lack of coffee because I have to fast). The hard part is the wait to see the consultant.

BUT I am really working hard on acceptance, and not trying to escape from difficult thoughts. Alcohol is a really effective way of doing this, but we know where that ends up! I’ve recently realised that running is my new way of escaping, which is obviously a much healthier coping strategy, but the biggest challenge is not to try to escape the thoughts at all.

Ive been reading a really interesting book called The Practice of Groundedness by Brad Stulberg, and he has a mantra “This is what is happening right now. I’m doing the best that I can.” I’ve found it really helpful in a few situations.

Have a good day all.

Stepping into the thread with a real commitment to quit alcohol. I've had a few dry months here and there over the past few years but always been lured back in with moderation. I've read a lot of quit lit and listened to podcasts, hoping they will go in by osmosis. And possibly they are but the truth is I drink far too much, I cannot moderate, I need alcohol out of my life.

I'm on Day 4 and really hoping that this time is THE time. I'm trying not to let my brain run away with "but what about holidays? what about what X thinks?" and just take it slow. I'm trying to reach out and connect so I have lots of support around me. We drinkers get each other.

(I second the recommendation for the Sober Powered podcast, I have learnt a lot from that, it is really interesting.)

Just reading a few of the posts here and a massive well done to those of you who have so many months under your belt. It's so admirable.
As for those posting about whether therapy is the right thing to do or not. It's a good question. I have issues from childhood (rejection/abandonment) and I've tried to pack it away for decades. It keeps coming out. I push it back down with alcohol. It still keeps coming up and I have to face it. I am having some specialized therapy which helps. But I wont lie, trying to deal with cptsd and excessive alcohol at the same time is a lot. I frequently feel overwhelmed with all that's on my plate. I know that the alcohol is not helping though. It's only when you've stopped for a few weeks and that low-level knackeredness and sluggish hungover feel has gone, you realise how crap you felt so many mornings and just accepted it.

Look forward to knowing you all. @Onewildandpreciouslife I hope your scan goes well, scanxiety is a good way to put it, must be so difficult having these appointments. Thinking of you x

Afternoon all.
@Steppered welcome.
I've just had a cry to the post re the six year old with issues. Someone said their mother never said I love you, same here.
That's going to need chocolate I think.

I'm trying to muster the energy for my front door pots. I hung the baskets. We need a bit of colour. @

Hello to friends new and old. Another one here with issues from childhood (frequently humiliated, beaten, etc...). I have benefitted from some therapy, but accept that I will never be totally free. I think these issues can be a common theme with some of us who have sought solace or "self-medication" with drinking.

I suppose that the main thing I have learned is that I cannot change my parent nor what happened in the past. They have no insight into what they did - I "belonged" to them; therefore I was theirs to do with as they see fit - and no remorse for the rare matters that they acknowledge were damaging. All I CAN change is how I react to it. They will never apologise and any attempt to achieve peace will be met with anger and further grief. So I let it go. It's not easy - but it's about who I am now, not them. Even now I am occasionally screamed at in front of others. Last year I was slapped at a party for making a cheeky joke. I am in my late 40s. But they have no power over me anymore. Inside I sometimes still feel like the terrified and ashamed 7 year old. But I am not, I am me and I am strong.

All easier said than done though. I fully appreciate how hard it is to deal with these deep-rooted issues. I would say it was the biggest, most significant, factor in what led me to problem drinking. It's no wonder we look elsewhere for comfort and temporary solace when we've rarely found it where it should have been.

Allowing myself to grieve for the childhood that I never had has been important too. It is not fair to have had the history that some of us have survived and it's absolutely reasonable that we are able to acknowledge that unfairness and to mourn what we should have had.

I bet if we had a "drinking problems" bingo card featuring issues we've had to deal with in the past in the little boxes in place of the numbers called out, most of us would be shouting "house!" at roughly the same time as all the scenarios were named.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't our fault, we were little and couldn't help ourselves. But now, here we all are. DESPITE - not because of - our childhoods and histories, because we are strong, we want to survive, and we are strong enough to take these steps each day to make our lives better.

Keep going. We can do it. Strength and love to all. x

Hope all went well with the scan @Onewildandpreciouslife. Thinking of you. xx

Hoping all went well @Onewildandpreciouslife and hoping you don't have to wait too long for the consultant appointment and getting the all clear for another 6 months.

That's made me properly tear up @rep22 . What an inspiration you are. 💐

Hope your scan went OK @Onewildandpreciouslife and that the wait for the consultant appointment isn't too long.
Welcome @Steppered . Hopefully all the "what will happen when/if..." situations will melt away as you encounter them. I've found that some remain as triggers (airports for me, and new situations for example), and others eventually evolve into me recognising that I would have used to drink then but don't need to any more.
I played at an evening jam session this week, which I haven't done since before covid. I drove back in the dark, with music, as before, got home and realised that I didn't have to finish the evening with a whisky. Just a glass of milk. Still couldn't get to sleep with the adrenaline buzz though 😂

Thank you @Blackberryblossom , you are so kind. I'm sorry if I made your eyes leak, I didn't mean to. Brilliant about your gig (and the milk afterwards), that must have been a great feeling. Know what you mean about the buzz - done a bit of acting and singing in my time and trying to get to sleep with the jingly-jangles going on is easier said than done. So much better sober though.

Let us know when we can get tickets to see you at Glasto! Pyramid Stage of course. The dog will happily dance on a podium for your set. x

Hello all
I've had a frenetic few days work. Too busy to think consciously about drinking but underneath I can hear that little voice creeping back: this can't be for life! just one drink! no fun without etc etc blahdeblah. I know it's a danger time because my eye is somewhat off the ball. So very good to check in for accounability for myself as well as to say hi to everyone.

Welcome @Steppered and brilliant that you've taken the step of finding some compadres here - makes all the difference to me - i'm mrs multiple-attempts-to-stop too but this is it for me and so far, it's working.

@Onewildandpreciouslife thinking of you. xx

@REP22 @WendyWagon and all of us (sounds like most of us) with childhood trauma - which is sort of a distancing way of saying - having been children who weren't properly loved, it's very very sad, acceptance is hard, and it's easy to see how temporary solace was found in a bottle, but more importantly now fantastic that we've realised it isn't a solution and committed to sobriety. I'm sad tonight about all the stuff that happened to me and while i don't wish it on anyone else, i'm glad not to feel alone. the bingocards would be sadly apt i fear @REP22

amazing to hear about your gig @Blackberryblossom - congratulations and i raise a glass of milk to creativity and overcoming trauma.

@Onewildandpreciouslife I hope your appointment went as well as these things can. The waiting is awful. Your post was really helpful this morning and reminded me to stay grounded and in the moment when I went for DC2’s hospital appointment. Which was much better news than I was expecting.

In the past I would have drank the night before to deal with the anxiety, and used alcohol to process the outcome of the meeting too. And it wouldn’t have helped.
These things aren’t easy sober either, but at least I can process them and let them go and they aren’t mixed up and intwined in all the difficult, heightened and confusing feelings that drinking brings to the table.

And yes to the running too. The rhythm of plodding along just clears my mind. And at least it’s a more positive addiction to tue booze.

@livingalivelife hope the little voice has cleared off again.

@Blackberryblossom your jam session sounds good fun, love that you rounded off the night with a glass of milk. Sounds like an ace end to a good evening.

@REP22 thank you for your post too. And to everyone else who is sharing their experiences and thoughts about therapy- it’s so helpful to hear the experiences and views of others and realise what a personal
journey this is, there’s no right way to do this, it’s just the way that feels right to you.