New April continuing thread for living an alcohol free life - all welcome

[livingalivelife]

Hello! This is the continuation of a thread started originally by drybird, and subsequently continued by many fabulous and now sober mumsnetters. It's provides huge amounts of non-judgmental support, cameraderie and good humour to anyone venturing on an alcohol free life.

I've been on the thread several times, lapsed and been welcomed back, which I have hugely appreciated. This time I am determined to stay AF and I'm now on day 44. There is so much experience here on offer - how to get through that first sober Friday night, family party, night out, festive celebration, work do etc etc. And also loads of info on great resources to help in the AF journey - podcasts, books, websites, different kinds of support groups and counselling, or going it alone - the emphasis is on whatever works for you.

This is a thread for those who are living alcohol free, and if you're looking to cut down (lucky you if you're one of those people can have one glass of wine and not think - what's the point of that?), there are other great threads elsewhere in the alcohol topic for moderate drinking.

Looking forward to more clearheaded, shamefree mornings and sober adventures ahead ...

I refuse to think of myself as an alcoholic. Even worse, as 'in recovery'. I hate that expression. I see myself as someone who drank to harmful levels for years, but who no longer drinks. I don't want to go back to drinking to harmful levels, so I don't drink at all.

Maybe I'm just a simple soul, but I don't want to overcomplicate things. To me it's very simple. We can drink or not drink. That's true of everyone, but for some people (including me) drinking tends to mean drinking to excess, so my options are either to drink to excess or not drink - there isn't the third option available to those who can choose to drink moderately. It's a pain in the arse, but that's how it is. Half measures (literal or metaphorical) just don't work for me.

I saw the Matt Willis programme when it first aired, and felt for him (and for Emma). I hope he pulls through. What's the significance of not having many childhood memories? I'm interested as my sister remembers so much more of our childhoods than I do, and she's only 2 years younger.

@Itsrainingten well done for going to bed and not visiting the corner shop.
If it helps I call myself an alcoholic on here and to a few select people. But I don't subscribe to being one drink away from death. That to me is cult like.
I choose not to drink because I get messy. I upset people I care about and who care about me. Lots of people loved me as the party turn, I sing mainly. I was a trained singer but suffer stage fright like most performers. So I had a little drink. It was a need for validation. Now I don't care so much what others think. Moving away from the mummy mafia helped. My DC are in the twenties ffs and people still play competitive mum around these parts. The upside of limited mobility is I don't see the buggers.
We choose to acknowledge our past but we don't live there anymore.

Go forth my friends in to a brighter sober day. X

I watched the Matt Willis documentary too @Itsrainingten. I had mixed feelings about it. The person I felt most sorry for was his wife. I'm not sure she wanted to be involved and the bit around him going to a 'family members support group' with her for the first time didn't sit well with me. Of course I have sympathy for him and his struggles. But I thought it was quite telling that the programme was made not long before he was heading out on a new Busted tour, where at least one of his bandmates was having massive quantities of wine in his rider. Possibly with an air of "I know I'll probably drink when I'm on tour again but, look, it's OK because I made this documentary..." Or maybe that's just me being cynical. I did feel so sorry for his wife though, she was clearly in a state at times. Well done for not going to the shop last night, that must have been tough. You are not letting anyone down. You're doing the best that you can and that's amazing. ❤

@ShyMaryEllen I have almost no memories of my childhood. Quite a few up to the age of 7, but nothing beyond. It took many, many years and much NHS time and counselling to understand that there was a good reason for this. Things happened which should not have and my child - and later adult - brain shut them all away in shadows so I didn't have to see. Unpicking them has been helpful, to some extent, but not conducive to trying to keep sober. But my experience and reasons for lack of memories is not the same for everyone of course. Some of us just have rubbish memories; some remember the most awful of things with perfect clarity but are able to cope and function OK. Others are just people who live in the moment and retain snapshots only. Who knows? I like your description of yourself - that's how I try to view myself too.

@WendyWagon I was often 'entertainment' as well, when I was drinking. I used to do acting (and a bit of singing) and there were always plenty of options backstage to ease the nerves and hone the vocals. Not just drink sometimes. It's a slippery slope. A couple of memorable incidents onstage with a notoriously bibulous luvvie (not me) will live long in blessed memory and are still spoken of in hushed tones by stage managers.

I used to be terrified that no-one would like sober me. I certainly didn't like sober me for a long time. But, actually, I think I'm alright. If other people don't like me, that's on them. I like the me who I am now, blocked memories and scarred history (neither of which are my fault or as a result of anything I could control). I like your wise words @WendyWagon. The people who destroyed the bright and confident 7 year old that I was have massively shaped my past. And also a big part of who I am still - but they no longer have any power over me. Sometimes I see myself a bit like that scene in the excellent film Labyrinth - the heroine finds freedom and breaks the evil magic when she opens her eyes and says "You have no power over me," Love that film. Though Bowie really needed to adjust those leggings before dancing about.

Fun 'n frolics here. A lump in my breast (sorry) has returned with malice aforethought (on Monday). The hospital had me straight back in and now I'm on bstrd-strength antibiotics which are making me feel very sick. Work is also very hectic (currently marshalling a fight between two colleagues, both wrong, neither backing down), it's a struggle not to feel that I've "earned" a drink. I am assured by the pharmacist that the consequences of mixing that with my new antibiotics would be “Biblical – like that lass in The Exorcist”. So a cup of Sainsbury’s white chocolate and raspberry milk it is.

Finding the I Am Sober app, and checking in with it, helpful ATM. If I check-in it sends me a daily 'quote' for inspiration. I'm not really one for inspiring soundbites, memes or affirmations. But yesterday's amused me:

"If you're going through Hell - at least act like you own the place".

I'll get the biscuits in.

Strength and love to all. x

Thank you everyone. You're all very kind. I really do appreciate being able to speak to you on here. I don't think I could really talk to anyone in RL. It's funny, I don't actually even WANT to drink. I just feel quite despondent after hearing how the psychiatrist described addiction. Like relapsing is a given. I don't want to but feel like if I'm going to then I might as well just get on and do it now, because what's the point? I won't though because like I said I don't actually want to! God. I can't even understand myself here.
@ShyMaryEllen yes missing childhood memories is often due to trauma / abuse / neglect. It's basically a coping mechanism (according to the same psychiatrist) whereby people (especially kids because they're basically powerless) who can't get away from the source of their trauma sort of mentally take themselves away. Like they're not really "there". I'm not sure where the memories go. They're stored somewhere, just buried deep. Tbh the repressed memories thing was one of the reasons I hated therapy. I felt like she was always trying to get me to dig further than I felt comfortable doing.
BUT having said that I do agree that some people do just have crap memories. People who have drunk to excess over time probably more than most.

hang on in there @Itsrainingten sounds like you are processing a lot of stuff. relapse isn't inevitable. i think
psychs like to say that because it takes most people including most of us many more than one time to make sobriety stick. and this could be our time. i agree that when i watched the matt willis thing i felt so much for his wife. he seemed to be quite narcissistic as well as addicted ( and/ or adhd?) and she was definitely making all the compromises.

i think i am an alcoholic and i don't even really mind the label. i think people wouldn't believe me because i have been so high functioning even tho they've seen me as a puking mess!

@WendyWagon i'm not even entertaining enough to sing when im drunk !

just keep going one day or one hour at a time is what im doing. i can't fathom any further ahead at the moment.

this thread has been my lifeline in being able to make myself accountable. thank you to all of you.

day 21 tomorrow which is where o was before the drunken wedding. 🤞🤞 for a longer run this time.

@REP22 david bowie in those tights 💜

childhood memories - i remember the really good stuff ( not much) and the really bad stuff ( lots of it but mainly severe bearings from my mum). not much in between x

Thank you for your posts, everyone, it's so helpful reading them,

I'm 21 days AF today.

"i think i am an alcoholic and i don't even really mind the label. i think people wouldn't believe me because i have been so high functioning even tho they've seen me as a puking mess!"

It's interesting you say this. I don't think many people would believe me either. Even my DH (who doesn't drink very often) reckoned I didn't have a problem. And he has seen my drunk SO MANY times. But i actually think it's pretty hard to see it sometimes. I genuinely didn't realise my mum was an alcoholic until she was near the end. I mean yes she was often drunk, and yes she always had a drink in her hand but I don't know. I think you sort of expect an "alcoholic" to be sat on a street with a bottle in their hand shouting slurry words at people. I also think it's partly that we don't want to see it on people we love, so if they're mostly holding it together we can gloss over the facts on our minds.

day 21 here too @NextPhaseOfLife

@Itsrainingten funny how people have a stereotype of an alcoholic. i guess for me, if the cap fits, wear it. it actually helps remind what serious trouble i got into mental and possibly physical health wise with alcohol.

@ShyMaryEllen has been really lovely and helpful responding to my liver worries which are still haunting me and at some point i need to tackle head on. for last 6 years i've been drinking half a bottle of gin plus 4 bottles wine a week in an average week. sometimes more. can't quite believe i wont have damaged my liver.

Happy twin day, @ponzusoup !

Regarding the posts with the term 'alcoholic'.

I guess it really is aligned with stereotypes, what we are led to expect.

I'm definitely not an alcoholic. I don't feel addicted. I can certainly have one drink and leave it, throw half a glass of wine away if I don't fancy it.

But I can also have a bottle of wine or more a night, 3 or 4 nights in a row, and go out for a 'couple' that ends in 4 or 5.

So whether I'm an alcoholic or not, I want alcohol gone from my life, because it's not adding anything good to it.

@ponzusoup

You just never know. The liver is a hardy organ.

My dad WAS an alcoholic - died aged 82. Never has any liver issues at all 🤔

Didn't have an enjoyable life though, nor wanted help in creating one. Another story.

Awwww i get you. Isnt it weird? My childhood was exactly like that too!!! No photos, childhood trauma, paralytic at 12...yep 12, very few memories as such bar from dv etc.
I can see how itd be a trigger...it would me, its a realization isnt it? Like omg wtf thats me, we can have a cry too. Youre doing great...we are all doing great you know..♥️♥️

Morning all.
Lovely day here.

My parents didn't drink. Only at Christmas. My dad was banned by my mum due to two of her brothers having issues. My husband's family don't drink at all. My siblings and I all drank too much bar our older brother.
I have lots of memories from childhood. It was very mixed. Today my mother would get a bipolar diagnosis. She could be lovely, funny and a real tiger mum. But in the blink of an eye we were bullied and worse. I did everthing not to be home.

However we try to do better ourselves. I hope I have.

Maybe binge drinking ? That was me. I didnt drink everyday but when i did, i couldnt have 1,2,3,4 etc...binge drinker big style. I class myself as an alcoholic binge drinker. I cannot drink anymore

@Loubelle70

Definitely a binge drinker.

To the point that I considered bottle+ of wine reasonable, not a binge.

Which of course, it is.

@ponzusoup I am more than happy to answer any liver questions (as a veteran not a medic), but the only way you'll know is to get checked. You could look on the British Liver Trust website and see if their roadshow is coming anywhere near you. They have a mobile unit that visits towns and cities offering fibroscans to the public as part of their 'Love Your Liver' campaign. That way, you wouldn't have anything on your records to say you had sought advice about your drinking, as there is no appointment needed and it's confidential - give a false name if you want. It's very quick and painless, and you get the results there and then. If it picks anything up you'd need blood tests and an US as well for a full diagnosis, but if the fibroscan shows no (or low level) scarring you are ok*.

TBH, I think the concept of medical confidentiality as we used to know it has gone out of the window thanks to NHS cuts, but this service is outside of the NHS. It would mean that you could be truthful on insurance applications and so on (ie that you haven't seen a doctor about addiction issues or however they phrase it), and it would put your mind at rest or (if say, your liver is fatty) it would show you that you really mustn't drink, even in moderation.

FWIW I was drinking the best part of two bottles of wine most nights for years, so roughly double your levels. I know there is no magic number of units that tips someone over - there are many variables - but things are probably not as bad as you fear.

*Even if you were to be told that you have damaged your liver, you can turn things round with total abstinence. People should see me as a warning, not an example, but my experience does show that it's not over till the fat lady sings. People can and do live with cirrhosis for many years (decades) if they change their lifestyle, and the horror stories are of people with advanced disease, which would have symptoms by now. Try not to be terrified, but stay cautious, would be my advice (if you asked for it😀).

In the long run it really doesn't matter what we call ourselves, but I think I resist the terms 'addict' and 'alcoholic' as they sound hopeless. I am clearly not addicted, as I don't drink. Yes, I have drink-related liver damage. Yes, I drank to levels that were harmful in many ways, but I don't now, so I wasn't addicted or I wouldn't have been able to stop. An alcoholic is someone who is addicted to alcohol, so that doesn't apply either.

Semantics? Maybe, but so much of this is psychological, isn't it? I don't want to be an alcoholic, so I won't drink. It's a powerful motivator.

Exactly ♥️. I understand the term alcoholic might not fit our habits but that's why i say binge alcoholic. I hate my behaviour when i drink..once im past the tipsy stage it usually goes all down hill from there. Im really nice person too..not at all like my drink self. Im too embarrassed to say situations ive been in through drink...binge drinking...i thought if im embarrassed everytime i drink by my behavior it's time to pack up..also im absolutely petrified that any member of public would film me when drunk and post it online... ive seen others do it and its awful behaviour but does happen...if my grandkids seen me like that i couldn't go on...so...ive stopped drinking....cant have 1. Not had drink for 46 days. Gl @NextPhaseOfLife ♥️xxx

It's a great reason, @Loubelle70

And not being beholden to alcohol is a brilliant feeling 💕💕

"ShyMaryEllen · Today 10:14

In the long run it really doesn't matter what we call ourselves, but I think I resist the terms 'addict' and 'alcoholic' as they sound hopeless. I am clearly not addicted, as I don't drink. Yes, I have drink-related liver damage. Yes, I drank to levels that were harmful in many ways, but I don't now, so I wasn't addicted or I wouldn't have been able to stop. An alcoholic is someone who is addicted to alcohol, so that doesn't apply either.

Semantics? Maybe, but so much of this is psychological, isn't it? I don't want to be an alcoholic, so I won't drink. It's a powerful motivator."

Thank you @ShyMaryEllen I absolutely love this way of thinking about it.
How can I be an addict / alcoholic / whatever if I don't drink?
Its daft really. All we need to do is not drink and therefore we CANT be alcoholics.
I actually could almost cry, this has made me feel so much better.
My mum was an alcoholic. She tragically drank herself to death. I am not an alcoholic as I don't drink.
Thank you ❤️

12 days sober here. Thrilled that I have made it through a second Friday night with no wine. Although I am still waking at 5am I feel rested and am not waking with my heart pumping. I plan to take my blood pressure later - it has been high for all of my life so it will be interesting to see if it has fallen.
I am going on holiday on Thursday - usually I am manic with work pre-holiday but I seem to be gliding through fine. Productivity is high.
I have tried a couple of AF drinks - my favourite so far is something called Crodino, an AF aperitif that is bitter and a bit like Aperol or a Negroni so a perfect treat for end of the working day. Also Nozeco sparkling wine. Both from Sainsbury.

Morning lads.
Up early and in need of tea.
Welcome @Bohemond23, great going on the Friday nights.
Lots oh good changes happen after the first ten days.

I watched the late film and slept soundly.
I actually drank a diet coke last night. We had a air fryer tea. Best thing that I have bought lately.
We have a quiet weekend with just garden sorting planned. The DS is away. I managed some front pots last week and they are looking great.
I'm hoping for a good day health wise.
Nothing at all from my employer. Nuts.

afternoon all.

congrats @Bohemond23 and hope your health and wellbeing is holding up @WendyWagon

glad you had a breakthrough on the labelling debate @Itsrainingten we will all react differently to labels given to drinkers and have to do what works for us as individuals.

@ShyMaryEllen thanks for the offer of liver advice. i had a look at BLT website and no roadshows near me anytime soon which is a shame as that's good advice to get tested but keep it off the record. i am so sorry that you are struggling with your health records. i have been. daily heavy drinker since aged 18 (35 years!) with some drug abuse thrown in. only the last 6 i moved to spirits and that had really derailed me. and is where the liver worry comes from. but can see that liver damage is a lottery of genes lifestyle and luck - so who knows which cards i am holding.

day 22 here but have drunk only one day of the last 43. good to get another friday night under the belt.

keep on keeping on ladies.