New April continuing thread for living an alcohol free life - all welcome

[livingalivelife]

Hello! This is the continuation of a thread started originally by drybird, and subsequently continued by many fabulous and now sober mumsnetters. It's provides huge amounts of non-judgmental support, cameraderie and good humour to anyone venturing on an alcohol free life.

I've been on the thread several times, lapsed and been welcomed back, which I have hugely appreciated. This time I am determined to stay AF and I'm now on day 44. There is so much experience here on offer - how to get through that first sober Friday night, family party, night out, festive celebration, work do etc etc. And also loads of info on great resources to help in the AF journey - podcasts, books, websites, different kinds of support groups and counselling, or going it alone - the emphasis is on whatever works for you.

This is a thread for those who are living alcohol free, and if you're looking to cut down (lucky you if you're one of those people can have one glass of wine and not think - what's the point of that?), there are other great threads elsewhere in the alcohol topic for moderate drinking.

Looking forward to more clearheaded, shamefree mornings and sober adventures ahead ...

ah great advice @ShyMaryEllen and hope you are ok.

welcome @Talulah98 my sleep is settling back into place and i already know a sober sleep beats a wine sleep hands down. am still feeling super groggy in the morning but it's different to a hangover. i can fe my brain readjusting ( and probably screaming ' where's the alcohol? we can't calm down without it!) but i know that my dopamine etc levels will start to slowly rise back to normal as my brain gets used to no alcohol.

i'm also on ssris ( sertraline) as was struggling with various children parents stressors and i think this may be helping my recovery but not sure how anything is meant to feel without alcohol

@livingalivelife thank you so much for thinking of me when i was feeling too ashamed to post. i'm glad i'm back. the lady on the sober powered podcast says amongst other things that making a commitment to the acknowledgement that we just can't drink like other people helps us to accept it. certainly true for me. i hope i have made this commitment this time.

@ponzusoup Thank you, and I'm glad your sleep is getting better.

Hello everyone, especially new people. I hope everyone is having a nice bank holiday weekend.
@ponzusoup please don't be ashamed. You're back on the wagon now and that's something to be proud of! I'm sure most of us (definitely me anyway) could waste our lives thinking about everything we've done -or not done even- while drinking but where would that get us? Nobody can change the past we have to focus on the now while having an eye on the future. And to think about it a different way - if you were one of the people who could "take or leave" alcohol then stopping wouldn't really be a big deal. I could easily give up something I didn't care much about. We all could. Imagine if someone said you couldn't have orange juice ever again. I mean it would be annoying but not particularly hard, right? So for someone who struggles with their drinking and for whom it has been part of their identity or way of coping, or fitting in, or to relieve boredom whatever actually stopping is amazing!!
Something to congratulate yourself on, and to feel proud of. And if it takes you multiple attempts then even more so. The people who find it easy, well obviously it's great for their health but it's not really something to be PROUD of is it?
Also I just want to say - if you have kids, giving up is THE best gift you can give them. Be a positive role model. If you have a partner then again - amazing, you're taking away a huge worry (whether right now or in the future) for them, and if you're living alone then great. You're doing it for yourself and YOU matter.

For me I'm feeling quite pleased. We go away camping every year for the long weekend with a group and it has always been VERY boozy. This year I had AF beer and good rays CBD drinks. It was brilliant. The others didn't really notice I wasn't drinking alcohol (I was afraid they'd be pushy) and they were interested in the CBD so I actually think others drank less than usual too because I was of course happy to share my pack.
DH didn't even have any alcohol at all on the 2nd night. It was so nice not to wake in the night with anxiety and need to find my way across the field in the dark to the toilets. And great to deal with the fairly stressful kids / early wake ups / breakfast making without proper equipment while not being hungover.
Best of all I'm feeling a bit more confident. This was my first trip away with drinkers. And I survived. And I didn't drink OR get judged.

@ponzusoup I'm fine, thanks. Still away, but my husband is here now too. It's raining, so we're indoors.

It took ages for my sleep to get better. One of the reasons I started to drink in the evenings hundreds of years ago was that I realised that a couple of drinks helped me to sleep, which it did, but . . . we all know how that story ends.

Anyone struggling with sleep should persevere. It's hard to remember exactly but it took me years rather than months to get to a point where I can usually nod off after a few minutes of listening to the rain. I think drinkers' brains are rewired by alcohol and need to be coupled up again. It takes a long time for the damage to happen, so it takes a long time for it to repair. It's worth it in the end though, and making bed as nice as possible helps while we wait.

I'm getting such value from reading everyone's posts, it makes me feel 'normal', or at least, not alone.

@ponzusoup - I've just remembered that it took me quite a few attempts to give up smoking. I was a heavy smoker in my late teens and twenties. I had a few short-lived attempts at quitting, before my final one - I haven't had so much as a single puff for over 20 years now.

I guess it's not how we start, it's how we end up that counts,

I’m here, having stayed sober through extended family get togethers. This is good, I think.

@ShyMaryEllen I found your post very inspiring. I don't think I'd realized that it would take a long time for what I laughingly call my brain to rewire itself regarding sleep.
In fact, I'm finding the whole thread so helpful. Thank you all.

Thank you so much, @livingalivelife

We sound quite similar. I am looking forward to my own Day 62 🤞🤞🤞🤞

Anyone online? I’ve had a huge bust up with DH and I’m really thinking about drinking. Am on day 5. Fell out because last night, the so-called light drinkers ended up getting bloody drunk and “I’m not drinking” DH decided to join them. (Dinner was really late to arrive, order was wrong etc so they gave us a free bottle of wine which tipped people into tipsy mode which then led to a nightcap yadda yadda).

To be honest, it wasn’t really messy or anything and I was ok with the drinking. But I went to the loo and when I came back, it was obvious they were talking about me as friend said to DH “here she’s coming”. They then looked shifty so it’s not like it was just general chit chat. I’m 99.9% sure they’d have been talking about my bender last weekend.

I didn’t say anything last night and was out early today before DH got up so just brought it up a little while ago. He has completely failed to understand why this would have upset me and turned it round to it being my fault because I’m the one with the drinking problem and apparently he has to off load. The irony of offloading whilst drunk to two other drunk people about me getting drunk escapes him.

He’s now left the house without saying where he’s going and I’m sat crying. There is alcohol in the house and I’m so tempted to have a drink to calm me but of course I know that’s the wrong thing to do.

Im having an ice cream instead and I’m going to go a walk with my friend but I’m just so upset - with him and my friends and also with myself for allowing myself to be the fucking weak link again.

Just looking for a hand hold I guess 😢

@Pippa246 I'm here. Play it forward. I totally understand why you want to drink but it will change nothing, it won't just be one and tomorrow will be a horrid anxiety filled day.

Tip the alcohol down the sink if you need to or just leave for that walk with the friend.

How are you getting on? X

@Womanshour -thanks. I’m ok and safe I think. I’ve just put a movie on Netflix of a book I read and loved (where the crawdads sing) so that’s distracting me. My friend will pick me up in half an hour and the really strong “fuck it” feeling has passed.

I know I am the one with the problem and I’ve caused massive hurt to my friends and family but I can’t shake the feeling that this doesn’t mean I have to take any crap thrown at me which is what DH seems to think I should.

Its all just such a mess - I really hope that anyone reading this who is “starting out” on their alcohol problem (if that makes sense) reads my words because you really don’t want to end up where I am now.

Also - I know I have no right to think like this but I’m not giving anyone the satisfaction of caving in!

hang on in there @Pippa246 sounds like you are doing brilliantly. distract yourself, deep breathing, play it forward to how you will feel tomorrow.

@Pippa246 that sounds like a great plan I'm pleased.

I don't think you need to take it all. Yes we may all find alcohol difficult but that doesn't mean we need to be punished and gossiped about. If he needs support that's absolutely fine, but finding it in a way that is compassionate to you would be helpful.

Where do we begin is an interesting podcast. She's a relationship therapist and it has helped to me think about relationships differently.

If you need to get rid of the booze in the house do x

@ponzusoup - thanks. I’m having a Tripp drink. They are CBD infused so I’m sitting convincing myself that I feel calmer! My friend swears by them but I don’t think they do much for me but I like the taste.

Feeling stronger every minute though I cannot wait for bed time and just put today behind me.

As a side - I am supposed to be “helping” DH (aka doing it for him) with his performance review shite tomorrow- writing reflections, setting goals etc. I’m really good at that sort of bullshitting so I normally do his too and we set aside tomorrow morning to do it. Would it be really childish of me to tell him to do it his bloody self? I really want to but at the same time, he really has put up with some truly awful behaviour from me over the last 4 years or so…..maybe the Tripp is working, I am feeling calmer!

@Womanshour - not heard of that one but will check it out. I’m looking for a new podcast for my 5k treadmill walks!

I won’t pour the booze out as it’s DDs. She’s at her boyfriends so I could have drank it and replaced it before she got home on Wednesday but I think the danger has passed. Posting here helped massively.

take the moral high ground and help him. you will feel brilliant. sober and supportive. which is how you want him. model it. if you can.

i bought some cbd drinks and i felt a bit too mellow! 🤣 i get that they don't have thc in them but they defo affected me and i used to be a right old stoner.

@ponzusoup - you are right - and maybe there is something in the Tripp drinks lol

@Pippa246 well done for not caving. I actually think it's totally reasonable to ask your family not to drink around you or leave it open alcohol in the house right now. Of course you need to be able to deal with these things eventually but it's fucking tough at the beginning. A bit of support wouldn't hurt. And gossiping about you isn't on.

@Itsrainingten . My issue is that I’ve put them through so much I really struggle to assert any of my needs. I just seem to go along with everything as if it’s some way of apologising. And I think that becomes part of the cycle of feeling worthless/sad which leads (sometimes) to looking for the escape.

But panic over for tonight. Went a long walk then got some fish and chips. Going to have a bath then watch the end of the movie I started and get an early night.

I’m so happy I didn’t give in and it’s reinforcement for my brain that I can sit out the discomfort.

God knows what tomorrow morning will bring though with regards to DH’s feelings towards me etc. But day 5 is as good as in the bag and that will do for now.

You've done so well @Pippa246 tonight is something to feel proud of and I hope you do.

I think if DH wants you to stop drinking then you need his support and not his drama. I sometimes wonder if sometimes people need the person with the alcohol problem to keep 'messing up' to keep the status quo. I don't know if that makes sense.

@Womanshour its a strange thing but every time I relapse, he turns into superman - washing and ironing done, loose shelves fixed, grass cut, soup made - that sort of thing. To be fair he normally does his fair share of the chores but when I’m recovering from a relapse, he really goes for it. There’s been a part of me that’s wondered if a part of him enjoyed being the “great husband and dad”. I don’t know.

FWIW @Pippa246 , I think you can only do one big thing at a time, and giving up drinking is one hell of big thing. If you can concentrate on that and ignore your husband's behaviour (after firmly telling him he's being an arse and that you need support not putting down) you might be able to push other things to the back of your mind a bit.

I've said upthread that I still feel guilt about a lot of things. I don't think that will go away, as what's done is done. But there is no point in adding those feelings to what you're feeling as you sort your drinking out now - you've got enough on your plate with that. Don't meet trouble half way.

If I were you (and I'm not, so take this or leave it) I would help husband with his appraisal stuff, and throw in a pointed look when it comes to how co-operative he is, or you build up his people skills 😈. Yes, it's passive aggressive, but there's no point in pushing for a big argument if you've made your point. If he keeps doing it, we can get a posse up and come round with pitchforks, but he's coming to terms with the new you too, and I don't suppose that's easy either. I think it's reasonable to ask him (when things are back on an even keel) not to talk about it outside of the house, and definitely not to your friends, but try to remember that things are changing for him too.

This is hard, and will get harder, but the longer you don't drink the more grounded and less raw you'll become, and the better you'll be able to deal with things. Chin up. x

@ShyMaryEllen - wise words - thank you. Especially your last paragraph - that is really what I am focussing on.