This is probably rock bottom

[harveythehorse]

This is probably what people mean when they talk about rock bottom because I'm sitting at my home office, drinking the red wine that I hadn't finished last night and it's not even 10am. I'm doing life admin to make myself feel normal but even I know this is shit.

My DD went to her dad's for 5 nights last night (she's broken up from school already) and I know how anxious she is about going. I had message after message from her last night, packed with anxiety. And I didn't stay strong, I've allowed myself to crumble. But I rarely need much of an excuse. I'll take any trigger going - good or bad.

I know that I need to stop completely but I don't want to. Will people still like me if I don't drink - will I still like them?! Will I be boring and lack anything of interest to contribute? I'm terrified that people will judge me and I look ahead to my calendar to see what's happening and then think 'well I can't stop drinking then - I've got x happening'. More excuses . . . and more shame at admitting I have a MASSIVE problem with it and am masking my feelings.

I hide wine in mugs so my family don't know I'm drinking . . . one of those fucking red flags that make normal people shift uncomfortably in their seats, or look at the floor when you tell them. Not that I do tell anyone.

I do know what to do. I also have a raging problem with bulimia and I veer from one bad habit to the other - if I drink I tend not to throw up so it's always seemed like the 'healthier' option.

SIGH.

Sorry for the rant. I needed to get the words out tbh.

Sorry, but not really that sorry. Crying is good, feeling your feelings instead of looking for ways to block them is good.

look, alcoholism is multi layered. Always. Some bits you can work on in tandem, some things have to be tackled individually. You need to work out your triggers and why they’re there, your vulnerabilities and your level of chemical dependence. The last one is a tricky bit. You need support for all of the layers - seek it out and accept it. Even if it means buying into bits you’re not fully convinced by, give it a go. Your self established coping mechanisms aren’t really working out for you so see if there’s something to be gained by what others who have trodden the same path have found out.

Liking yourself is one of those things that sounds easy but it isn’t really in practice. At least not at first. Focus on what makes you unhappy and what of those things you can change. If you find yourself hating yourself for choices then work on making different ones. Surround yourself with things that make you happy - read books, cook, join a choir, run for an hour, go for a walk and fuss every dog whose owner allows it, take your daughter swimming. Simple things that are easy to look forward to achieve.

It’s not easy, but it is worth it - for yourself and those who love you. Failures along the way are part of it but they’re not the be all and end all. Every day is a new one.

Good luck.