This is probably rock bottom

[harveythehorse]

This is probably what people mean when they talk about rock bottom because I'm sitting at my home office, drinking the red wine that I hadn't finished last night and it's not even 10am. I'm doing life admin to make myself feel normal but even I know this is shit.

My DD went to her dad's for 5 nights last night (she's broken up from school already) and I know how anxious she is about going. I had message after message from her last night, packed with anxiety. And I didn't stay strong, I've allowed myself to crumble. But I rarely need much of an excuse. I'll take any trigger going - good or bad.

I know that I need to stop completely but I don't want to. Will people still like me if I don't drink - will I still like them?! Will I be boring and lack anything of interest to contribute? I'm terrified that people will judge me and I look ahead to my calendar to see what's happening and then think 'well I can't stop drinking then - I've got x happening'. More excuses . . . and more shame at admitting I have a MASSIVE problem with it and am masking my feelings.

I hide wine in mugs so my family don't know I'm drinking . . . one of those fucking red flags that make normal people shift uncomfortably in their seats, or look at the floor when you tell them. Not that I do tell anyone.

I do know what to do. I also have a raging problem with bulimia and I veer from one bad habit to the other - if I drink I tend not to throw up so it's always seemed like the 'healthier' option.

SIGH.

Sorry for the rant. I needed to get the words out tbh.

Ive been where you are, and what I can honestly say is that this won’t get better. It will only get worse. You know you need help now, so ask for it.

Go to an AA meeting. Seriously. You don’t have to stop drinking to go. It’s anonymous. You can just listen to other people talking. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. AA is full of women just like you (I’m one of them!).

Life is different when you stop drinking. You will be more interested in other things without a drink. You’ll have more time in your life, so you will need to fill it with good things, like hobbies, walking or anything you enjoy. Unfortunately you might find your drinking friends don’t seem as fun, you might have to change your lifestyle. But it is worth it. Everything is better without alcohol.

Thank you both for responding. I've reached out to an AA member who is a friend's mother and we're talking today. I don't know her but she's already demonstrated huge kindness which is what I need right now I guess.

Already wondering whether I can drink afterwards as my husband is out.
Definitely rock bottom.

I couldn't not reply to you, my husband found himself here 12 months ago. I remember how he felt when it all started to sink in for him that he was in this place.

It was very difficult for him and for me but he pulled himself out of this position and the strength I saw in him was incredible. I saw him go through sadness, guilt, shame and grieving alcohol first, knowing he was going to have to leave it behind and not wanting to, this took a bit of time first. But he did it and 12 months later he is thriving in all areas of his life and he is the happiest I have ever seen him. He occasionally has one drink on occasion and leaves it at that and is very happy.

You CAN do this. You will not regret it and I promise you will be so much happier.

Two positives;

1. You know you need to do this, you have that awareness and aren't in denial

1. I can see you starting the same road I saw him start which ended in a very happy place. This part is the hardest

Be brave, be strong, look it straight in the eye and know you can do this. Sending love x

I've stopped drinking, I'm just over a year fully alcohol free and @harveythehorse it's a revelation. There are so many positives to it but what made me really stop was hating the terrible anxiety in the dead of night, waking up in the morning scared that I stank of drink from the night before and I quit because I've a young DS and I was fucking terrified that he'd see my drinking as normal (the way I'd seen my parents and their drinking).

There are some great support threads on here where there's no judgement and posters are incredibly kind. You're already moving in the right direction by talking about it with someone, tiny steps will get you there. Good luck.

Thank you. This is so heartfelt and kind, and is much appreciated.

I do know where I need to be and you're totally spot on - it's a grieving process that I didn't expect to face.

It's been a very difficult year and I hadn't quite realised how much it had affected me . . . but this is how I've naturally responded to it and it's a really big awakening. Or I hope it is.

Your husband sounds wonderful - as do you, I hope his sobriety has brought you the shared contentment you clearly deserve xx

The veering from me bad habit to another. The worried you’ll be boring/bored without alcohol. The calendar events which mean you need to drink.

These are worth exploring (they jumped out to me). Where did these ideas come from? Why do you associate alcohol with fun/being interesting? What bad habits?

Watch Mark Manson on YouTube and you may hate him but Russell Brand who I think is rather honest about his addiction issues. Brene Brown on shame . I have had friends with addiction issues (I am the very opposite and no doubt they have seen me as dull before, but I like my choices).

I wish you all the best and I hope you become who you want to be.

Will people still like me if I don't drink - will I still like them

stop. You need to be a version of yourself that you like. Everything else will follow.

Pursue AA. Don’t let yourself talk yourself out of it. It’s a valuable source of support and is applicable to pretty much anyone. The religious element is what you make it - don’t let it crowd out the practical applications of its philosophy.

You've nailed how I feel - even on my sober nights I wake the next morning with anxiety about whether or not I drank. The relief that washes over me when I realise that I DIDN'T drink is astonishing.

My daughter is 10 and she's already asked me to stop drinking because there have been a couple of occasions where she's felt uncomfortable because my voice has changed and I don't seem like her mummy. But that hasn't been enough for me to stop - I'll literally take any excuse.

Huge congrats on your sobriety - I can only dream of such an achievement.

Could you possibly link to the support threads please?

I think because it's rare I don't have a drink in my hand at social events, I'm desperately insecure and it's always provided me with a bit of stability . . . that 'first relaxer'. I feel like I'm living in the 1970s writing that (and I'm in my 30s) but I've been so reliant on booze for socialising for such a long time.

It also doesn't help that many of my friends have convinced me I don't have a problem.

You just made me cry. I don't like myself very much, I feel like a total failure most of the time (and you wouldn't know it to look at me).

I can't imagine what REALLY liking yourself feels like.

I liked the ‘Home’ podcasts with Holly and Laura. Very real and full of forgiveness, authenticity, exploration of all the emotions involved in using alcohol and in letting it go.

Thank you, will explore. I've read Bryony Gordon's book, and all of Catherine Grey's literature so think I will revisit these.

You're so welcome, I hope you feel a bit better in what I know is a very difficult moment for you.

The truth is, the misery that this situation causes you is actually the worst and hardest part. It can be difficult to see it when the other side of this is unknown and can feel a bit scary. But it's a wonderful surprise to see all the happiness and pride that waits for you on the other side.

My other best tips would be 'The Five Minute Journal'.

You can buy it on Amazon and it explains everything at the beginning, but it's very easy and quick to fill in every day but it will start to get you to focus on the little achievements in every day and shift your mindset, so simple but very effective. Also I'd recommend two books; Mans search for meaning by Viktor Frankl and The Naked Mind by Annie Grace.

Very best of luck to you. Work through all the emotions that come and don't fear them, they are needed in order for you to feel free again, and you will xx

One thing I wanted to say is that you don't have to hit any sort of 'rock bottom' to decide to stop. You can just decide you're done. I mean, my life was pretty horrific when I quit - I was drinking 3 bottles of wine every day, sometimes from 9am, I was drink driving just about every day, I was miserable and missing out on time with my family and just doing things I enjoyed. I accepted that I was not going to go back to 'drinking normally' (whatever that means - I actually think there are very few people who 'drink normally'), so my choices were I could stop or I could carry on drinking 3 bottles of wine a day. I couldn't do that and live to see my kids grow up, so I had to stop.

I can absolutely assure you that very few people will notice or care that you aren't drinking. Yes, there may be some - probably the people who also have a tricky relationship with alcohol. But I'm pretty sure 90% of people don't even know that I don't have an alcoholic drink in my hand - judging by how surprised they are when one of my dc asks for a drink and I give it to them. I've actually found that more than anything I've found other people boring rather than them finding me boring. My tolerance for people is just less, but that's fine.

One other thing I would say is that you don't have to be an alcoholic to stop drinking. You might identify with that term (I do), but you might not, and you might not find that something like AA is the right fit for you, but there is a lot of other support out there. There's something for everyone. I never in a million years would have ever thought I'd be someone who could give up drinking. It was the thing that defined me probably more than anything else did. I probably would have rather lost a leg or something. But you absolutely can do it. And I don't know anyone who wishes they were still drinking once they're sober. Yes, it's a bumpy start often. But life only gets better once you're on your way.

Hello. You're very brave coming here and posting this.

I was like you, drink and bulimia, going between the two like a woman torn between two lovers. Drank in the morning, drank out of mugs, drank to cope with stress. Frightened of stopping because I didn't think I'd be able to cope with life without it.

My rock bottom wasn't a huge horrific chaos (although I definitely had a few of those) but just...exhaustion. I no longer had the energy to live that double, triple life. Being a functional alcoholic is HARD. It's like having three full time jobs. I no longer had the energy for it. I was just so sick and tired of feeling so sick and tired.

AA saved me, I've been sober almost 11 years now. The bulimia petered out by itself within the first two years of becoming sober - I hadn't realised how much the two behaviours were intertwined. I went to AA, mostly women only meetings at first as they felt safer. It was so wonderful to realise I wasn't alone and I no longer had to feel shame about talking honestly about my relationship with alcohol.

I'm not one of those tiresome AA obsessives and I don't even go much any more. There's good and bad things about it. I will say that I clung closely to it in my first three years and absolutely wouldn't have got sober without it.

I'm not gonna go on about how great life is now but honestly I'm in a much better, happier place in terms of health, finances, social life, professional life and family life. Like, a complete 180 from how my life was. I'm happy now, and I feel confident I can cope with whatever life throws at me...and enjoy it!

Give yourself the love, care and respect you deserve and do what's right for you. You know what that is, deep down. I'll be thinking of you.

Also, I would recommend looking up Bee Sober. It's a great online support network. They do have a free (private) Facebook support group and lots of other resources.

@harveythehorse check out the topic Alcohol Support, lots of fantastic posters, support and help there.

The freedom from not drinking is astounding. I'm soooo much kinder to myself, I don't over stress about things that happened in the past (especially when I was drunk). I've come to terms with the fact that I cannot moderate my drinking, it's all or nothing. The most interesting thing I took away from all the stuff I read and listened to about stopping and other people's reactions was that what they say is a reflection on their relationship with drink and not yours.

Oh and when someone says to just have one drink, they'd never encourage you to "just have one" cigarette would they?

Honestly, you can do this @harveythehorse I promise you can, maybe not overnight but you can do it.

Just on the point of being boring if you stop drinking: I am not an alcoholic but through DP I know a lot of people who are long-term AA members and they are huge fun to be around - they tell amazing stories, laugh a lot, and are generally delighted to be alive and well and not drinking. Drunk people are the boring ones. Oh, and you definitely don't need to be religious to be in AA - lots of them are atheists, they just interpret the 'higher power' thing in their own way.

I'd suggest OP that maybe you spend a lot of time being social and trying desperately to fit in, hoping that people like you, when it sounds like you might actually be an introvert and much happier if you weren't constantly pushing yourself to be the social one.

I spent a lot of my teens and early 20's being that person, I thought I was outgoing and sociable and was desperate to be that, drinking far too much to try to make it work for me. Then I stopped and realised that wasn't actually making me happy. Now I only socialise with one or two people at a time and we often do things together rather than just go for drinks. I think there's a good chance that I'm ND.

Maybe it's time to embrace the boring introvert, it less exciting and less crazy fun and less hilarious. But it's so much more relaxing, peaceful and comfortable.

Are you seeing a counsellor? Are you on meds for anxiety? I'd really recommend both if possible. You deserve to feel much better than this.

This is amazing. Thank you. It's not that I thought I was the only one, but it's certainly reassuring to know I'm not alone. It feels like a very lonely place.

I'm very lonely a lot of time and never feel like I'm good enough.

I recommend heading straight to an AA meeting (or an Agnostic/Atheist AA meeting if you want no mention of god).

You will find you are not alone and lots of kind support and wisdom in moving forward.

Also there are many types of people at AA - it’s not just for one kind of problem drinker.

I second what pp have said. Please go to an AA meeting - you will find help and support from people who’ve been through/ are going through the same as you.

A very positive thread.

The bit I've like to address is you said, OP, that you feel like a failure most of the time, and feel insecure.

You're now leaning on a stick that is wobbly, and rightly so, and you are seeing that and having the courage to 'see it and face it.' We can see even from this that you are NOT any sort of failure.

You're also relatively young really, and I think doing well - clocking on to things that need a tweak and doing so. Not letting it get too far.

I have long thought that we all come out of our childhoods with a hand of cards to play, and your childhood has left you feeling non secure and not very good. That will be about your childhood and parenting, yes? So these cards need to be played out of your hand and replaced with better ones.

I think your best bet is fading out alcohol and getting to know yourself, and making a few choices and taking a few actions. There are all sorts of things you can do to tackle low self esteem and insecurity - daily things, reminder things, books to read, things to do, exercises to do - all which will challenge your way of thinking and living.

I think this crisis is a blessing in disguise - take heart and make some changes girl - we all do when we need to - this is your time xxxx