Kids taking all my money out of my bank account

[Momtrac83]

Every month when I get paid my universal credit and pip. The adult take all my money out of my bank account without my permission.yes buy food with most of it but it leaves with nothing to pay bills. I admit I'm an alcoholic I do buy alcohol with some of it but i don't let them go hungry or without the things they need. Do they have a right to take the money?

Yep. Completely agree.

Agree with everyone else. Look, at some point you must have done something right. You have raised adult children who are shouldering a massive responsibility. They could just leave and live by themselves, but instead they work and make sure that the toddler is fed. This is something to be proud of, not to be upset about. They are putting the needs of their very young sibling ahead of what perhaps they would want to do. They also obviously love you and are trying to help.

You need to help them to help you. Contact your GP and try and get help for your alcoholism. It's the only way forward.

No one should be able to access your money unless you've given them permission to do so, or there's some sort of order in place that gives them permission - they wouldn't be granted this without good reason. In the circumstances, this sounds like a genuine thing. Not been judgemental, but UC should be for your food and bills, not alcohol. Please try and get yourself some help, regardless of your financial concerns.

If you don't think either of the above apply, you need to speak to your bank as someone is taking money out of your account illegally.

I feel most sympathy for the 3 yo in this situation, they have no power and cannot extract themselves from it. Thank fuck the elder dc have better caring skills than their mother.
Alcoholism may be classed as a 'disease' but it's a CHOICE despite what some may say. And op is completely manipulative saying its the older children's fault there's no calpol for the 3 year old because of her other children when she'd happily spend it on herself for Alcohol.*

This. OP just has sympathy for herself. She's the cause of this whole situation and my sympathy lies with the children who have a poor excuse for a mum.

Cancer is a disease - alcoholism is not.

If you older DC have to check your bag every time you go out and have to ask for a receipt then they don't trust you not to spend all the money on alcohol. Why don't you go to AA to get your addiction sorted out? Do you want to get better? You are so lucky your adult DC are stepping in to help you OP. Imagine the awful life your poor 3 years old would have without her older siblings buying in the food. Ask them to buy a bottle of Calpol when they go shopping. Try to get sober OP. Think of your 3 years old. I hope you don't spend her child benefit money on alcohol.

There are medical papers stating that calling it a disease is both incorrect and unhelpful.

It sounds from OP's second post as if she could and did get Calpol, it was just that the older children required her to produce a receipt and account for the change.

Rhetoric like this doesn't help anyone.

Alcoholism isn't a disease, it's a choice. No one chooses to have cancer, but they sure as hell choose to spend their last tenner on vodka rather than feed their child. That takes a conscious effort.

I think the "alcohol is a disease" excuse is a fucking insult to people who really do have diseases. A mental health issue yes, disease - no.

That poor baby, I hope someone is really looking after the little one.

I think the likelihood is that her adult children’s actions are keeping a roof over her (and her poor child’s) head and putting food on the table and electricity, gas and water is still being provided care of paid bills. The chances they are using her money to benefit themselves seems very slim. She’s an alcoholic, they are master manipulators and professional victims. (I know, I lived with one).

Also, I may be wrong, but is there any disease you can talk yourself out of? I can’t think of a disease that can be fixed or managed purely by talk therapy, meetings and willpower. I had cancer, no amount of meetings was going to fix that but alcoholism can be overcome/managed by talking/therapy. A broken mindset isn’t any more a disease than a broken leg.

This!!

It’s not you, not your fault. It’s the fucking shit alcohol.

It is her and it is her fault. I speak as the child of an alcoholic. My sympathy ran out about 15 years ago. But the good news about it being her fault is it means she can take responsibility and do something about it. It will be extremely difficult but she could choose to do it.

The thing with alcoholics is that you have to protect yourself from their selfishness, and I suspect this is what the older children are trying to do. And it's very hard to work out which came first - the alcoholism or the selfishness. But either way, the OP is the one who can take action against her addiction. She shouldn't just point at the substance and blame that.

Concerned how old this ‘ older sibling is’

Sounds like they are making sure your kids are fed. They wouldn't of done that lightly.

Need to come to an agreement your bills get paid though. But it's your own fault for not seeking help with the alcohol. There is plenty of help out there. Zero sympathy when someone puts that before feeding their kids.

Everything @Bluebirds1987 has said.
Ignore the sneaky posters who are having a go at you when all you have asked for is advice(not a patronising lecture ) to ensure you can provide for your 3 year old .

There is probably a lot more to this story and sounds like they are trying to help you.

It's the 3 year old siblings who are ensuring the 3 yo is provided for not the op

OP you need help from your GP.
It sounds to me like they are taking the money to ensure you, them and the 3 year old are fed. They can't be perfect so they will forget things like the butter and maybe not want to go out again to get it.
If they are checking till receipts it is because they want to check you haven't bought alcohol.
I would suggest that the adult children go to Al-Anon for support.

It's not possible for random posters on here to unpick this situation. So many questions arise. Why do they have access to the bank account in the first place? Who is paying the bills? Did you agree to access to the account? Do they have some kind of authority from social services to manage the money? (I don't know what the rules are in the UK or what sort of authority an adult child might have in a situation like this so that last question might make no sense.
What help are you getting from the GP? Are you attending AA? Have you bought alcohol in the past meaning everyone went hungry and that's why they are trying to take control?

Easy one there, all she has to do is stop putting herself first and buying alcohol then she can provide for the child?
And which posters have been 'sneaky' everyone's been very forthright in their views, which are all placing the 3yo as priority!

My mum is an alcoholic. If she had full access to her bank account, she would have no money at all, she wouldn't be able eat, and she'd be thrown out of her extra care flat. She's now at the stage of refusing medical treatment for lung infections that could kill her, because she can't drink with the medication her doctor prescribed. So it sits in the bag, unopened.

So yes, my brother keeps her bank card at his house, and she has a supermarket food delivery (which includes her whisky). He tops her up with a very small amount of cash each week (not enough for more whisky). That way we can just about keep her bank account in the black.

My brother and I are in our sixties, and think we have problems in this regard. The thought of a young adult having to do this stuff for/to the parent they live with and also protect their three year old sibling just breaks my heart.

How sad for both the 3yo and their sibling. The older child shouldn't have to be parent to their parent and it must be stressful having to worry about their alcoholic parent relapsing while there's a 3yo in the house.

UC should be used for food but maybe ask if you can add some food requests to the next shop if it's within budget? How far is the nearest shop? Does adult child run a car ? I can understand why they don't want to nip out for butter after a day at work - you should be grateful that they are keeping the household heads above water because without their support the 3yo would have to be in care.

Me too. In full time work could be as young as age 16. 😢

Does mumsnet have anyway of contacting this family ? This is a safeguarding concern!!! How do we report?

"They didn't buy butter so I couldn't have a sandwich" does smack a bit of trying to engineer reasons to undermine them.

As PPs said, if you're still housed and the utilities haven't been cut off, bills are getting paid somehow.