The reality of the end

[NameforMN]

My father died this week. He was an alcoholic for around 15 years, if not longer. During that time he lost his business , his house, his wife and friends. As his daughter, I'm next of kin so tasked with sorting out his life, as it was.

His rental flat is covered in urine, blood and shit. His mattress is drenched in urine. His bed sheets caked in blood from where he fell over in a drunk stupor. He has defecated on the sofa and carpet. He lay dead for 4 days before he was found. He spent the last 6 months in his flat , refusing visitors and ordering wine off Amazon.

We are left cleaning this up and sorting his estate out. Managing the horror and guilt.

This is what happens.
This is the reality of the end.

You may well ask where my sibling and I were . Why didn't we step in? Keep his flat clean? Look after him?

Quite simply, if he'd moved in with me, it would be my house he shat, pissed and bled all over. It wouldn't have stopped him. He'd just do it a different address.

He was impossible. Lies, lies, lies and more lies as alcohol consumed the man that he was, and left an empty shell.

This time last year he was what they call a :functioning alcoholic '. Believe me, there was no functioning at the end.

It happens quickly. Creeps up on you one drink at a time.

Any of you who have a drink problem are on the journey to this end. This is the only conclusion unless you stop..

Oh @xWren I'm so sorry, how awful, my heart goes out to you. I hope you're being supported in your real life.

@xWrenso very sorry to hear this. Sending you enormous love and sympathy.

I feel broken. I feel like I’m going insane. I feel like a child, I just want my Mum. She was only 57.
It hasn’t even been a year since her Mum/my Nan died.
I feel like I’ve failed her. I should have done more to save her.

@xWren the hardest thing about life with an addict is learning to accept that you are powerless over their addiction. Look up the three Cs: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. The only person who could have helped your mum was your mum.

You may wish to look up the Al-Anon website or the SMART Family & Friends site for advice on this. Grieving is natural, but accepting that you bear no responsibility for your mum's death is vital for you.

I am so, so sorry @xWren - my heart goes out to you. You must feel trapped in a whirlpool of shock, anger, grief, resentment, guilt, anguish - everything at once.

Please know that this was not your fault. There was literally nothing more that you could have done. You tried, tried and tried again, but no-one could ultimately save her from herself. Even after every failed attempt, you kept seeing her once a week. You didn't abandon her. You did your best and your best was brilliant. Sadly she couldn't pull herself free. You have NOTHING to blame yourself for. But I appreciate that that doesn't help you to feel any better at the moment.

Please do consider getting yourself some support through this. That doesn't make you weak or inadequate. I needed a lot of help from a local bereavement support charity after my dad died suddenly - and he was not a drinker at all. To have endured what you have endured on top of your sorrow and grief is almost unbearable and there's nothing to be ashamed of in asking for a bit of help. You could try your GP, or these people Home - Cruse Bereavement Support, or even Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics. You might have a more local group that could help, or if you are employed, your workplace might have an employee support service?

I can only echo the words of @mathanxiety and the other wise PPs here. You have a future with your lovely DS and your baby-to-come and you are clearly a very loving daughter despite it all and a decent, caring person. You can make it through this. But please take the heavy backpack of guilt and responsibility for your mum's choices off of your shoulders, put it down on the ground and walk away from it. You don't need to carry it around with you anymore.

You really tried and you are not to blame. Keep posting on threads like this and others if it helps. We don't know you, but we are sorry for your loss and wish you happier days ahead. xx💐

{mention:xWren},@xWren, I m so sorry that you are dealing with this huge loss at a vulnerable time in your life. Please do allow yourself (in time) to focus on nourishing your beautiful family. At least they will no longer be exposed to the addiction.

My dad died at 69, after having faced his alcoholism and trying very hard to overcome it, which he mostly did. But the underlying health damage and psychological damage was already done.

After his death I dreamt I was running around the hospital trying to find his meds to save him, when I eventually bumped into 3 friends who reminded me, you can't save him, he is dead.

A pretty sad dream, my brain going from saviour role to realisation that role was redundant.

None of us can save them.

I also felt resentful that I was pigeonholed into being his minder, a burden my siblings didn't carry, and then gaslit afterwards, that my version of our family wasn't reality. It was. I know. So do the ICU staff, the publicans around town and everyone that saw me drive him around during my teenage years. I loved him, he was mostly a sweet man, and he did fight his addiction, but the harsh reality for me (and my mother) was there was a certain relief when he died, that there wasn't going to be a never ending slow march to death. His early to mid life addiction had damaged his body so much, he was never going to grow old gracefully. None of his drinking buddies did, the alcohol killed them all.

I m so sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you @xWren Hope you're getting through the days xxx

I don’t know what to write.
I just can’t explain my pain.
My siblings have become vultures arguing over who gets to keep what of her furniture.
Neither of them bothered with her, they didn’t as children, long before the alcoholism.
I feel so protective of my Mum.
I want her back. I’d give anything to tell her I loved her one more time. I hope she knew I loved her.
If anybody had a reason to be an addict, it would be my Mum, I just hope she’s at peace and they can’t hurt her now.
I feel like I can’t breathe.

@xWren please don't go through all this alone. Call a friend, call the Samaritans, contact a support organisation. I am so sorry your siblings are making this so much worse for you. Look after yourself.

Yes, please reach out for real help @xWren, this is a terrible thing you are going through xx

We are going through Hell xWren along with many thousands of others. Just take one step at a time. Hang in there. I promise you - this pain will pass. You are not alone

@xWren
Would it help to see your pain as the final, very difficult chapter in a loss that started a long time ago? It's perhaps the most difficult chapter of all, because you are now faced with emotions you may have tried to keep at bay for a long while - frustration, disappointment, anger, grief, guilt, a sense of loss, while you still hoped you could stave off the finality.

Sometimes when a parent is an addict, a child or teen or young adult becomes that parent's de facto parent, losing the normal comfort and security of a healthy parent-child relationship while still at a relatively young age, and also losing the normal sibling relationship as you gradually stop feeling you have much in common with brothers and sisters and resentment lurks beneath the surface. There is a huge loss on many levels when parentification happens. The child or young person can feel profoundly alone and unreachable.

It is so hard to realise that your love and devotion weren't enough to help your mum. You fought hard against something that was bigger than you and bigger than her too. Can you love yourself and forgive yourself? Can you feel a little peace when you think of her now, free from her torment?

Alcohol stole your mother from you. It overwhelmed whatever defences she had against it, and it caused her to put up walls around herself despite her love for her family.

It is a cruel hijacker of not just the individual but of the entire family. Don't let its shadow take you from your own lovely family. When you are able to - but don't wait too long - please reach out for support as you and your siblings get through the next part of the pain, each of you in his or her own way.

Their behaviour may be distasteful and it may be hard to witness, but your siblings are likely struggling too. The anger you feel toward them is natural, but I think some of it may be anger you can't yet feel toward your mum. You are all going to go through a lot of very strong emotions over the coming year and even further into the future. You will feel ashamed and guilty for many of your feelings - but there are no wrong feelings. I really urge you to find someone to hold your hand and help you talk and cry your way through this.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.
I recently hard that the daughter of my parents’ friends died from alcoholism.
She was 57.
When I knew her, she was bright, bubbly, beautiful.
Then she married an alcoholic. He died about 10 years before her.

Hi, I’ve been reading this thread as an old friend has died today from vomiting blood from an oesophageal bleed in the final stages of liver failure — I had no idea that could happen. 😢 Sending everyone on this thread love and support, especially @xWren @BMW6 @ginasevern @BrianWankum @NameforMN

Oh @xWren you poor love. It doesn't sound like you're getting good support around you so yes please do ask for some.

It must have done so much harm to you growing up with your mum's disease, and I can see how much you loved her and tried to help. I worry so much about my boyfriend's kids - they never talked about his alcoholism with anyone (probably their mum I guess, but she's not the easiest character - her dad was an alcoholic, and she stayed with my boyfriend for twenty years through all sorts of shit, so I feel her judgement is skewed!) and so they've kept this secret and internalised so much.

I'm struggling with reconciling the man I loved with the alcoholic I didn't know. Missing him and grieving the loss of the life ahead of us that I thought we would have. Which realistically I wouldn't have had it he'd lived either.

I thought I’d update.
My Mum had a post-mortem as the cause of death was unknown.
It wasn’t even to do with her alcoholism.
She had an acute haemorrhagic stroke.
The coroner said it would have been quick and he confirmed her alcoholism did not cause or contribute to it 😭
It was just her time, I feel no anger towards her, she’s at peace now and that’s as much as I can be happy about for now.

Sorry to all of those who've lost loved ones to this horrible disease.

We lost DM 18 months ago. She drank from me being in my teens, so in her 30s, up to losing her at 61. She had periods of sobriety, and her level of drinking varied, but she always went back to it.

It had got to a point she would go quiet for days on end and that's when I'd known she was drinking. Then she rang me after I'd not heard from her all week saying she wasn't feeling well and had rang an ambulance. Within six hours doctors said she wouldn't last the rest of the day, then she spent three more days in ICCU before she went.

Same story that's been told on here. Her flat wasn't in the best condition. Empty bottles hidden in cupboards. Putting herself in vulnerable situations. Excuses and lies. She used to complain it was boredom. Then grief. She had started to get jobs after an adulthood spent being a parent. But she lost them because she couldn't stay sober.

Reading some stories on here I'm probably lucky things didn't get to the point with her decline before she went as others saw with their loved ones. But you almost lose the person they were before you lose them and it's heartbreaking to see someone give up on themselves.

@xWrensending you huge hugs. Thank you for updating and I hope that the news brings you some peace.

Just read all of this. Love to you all