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Original poster

The reality of the end

194 replies

NameforMN · 14/04/2023 23:03

My father died this week. He was an alcoholic for around 15 years, if not longer. During that time he lost his business , his house, his wife and friends. As his daughter, I'm next of kin so tasked with sorting out his life, as it was.

His rental flat is covered in urine, blood and shit. His mattress is drenched in urine. His bed sheets caked in blood from where he fell over in a drunk stupor. He has defecated on the sofa and carpet. He lay dead for 4 days before he was found. He spent the last 6 months in his flat , refusing visitors and ordering wine off Amazon.

We are left cleaning this up and sorting his estate out. Managing the horror and guilt.

This is what happens.
This is the reality of the end.

You may well ask where my sibling and I were . Why didn't we step in? Keep his flat clean? Look after him?

Quite simply, if he'd moved in with me, it would be my house he shat, pissed and bled all over. It wouldn't have stopped him. He'd just do it a different address.

He was impossible. Lies, lies, lies and more lies as alcohol consumed the man that he was, and left an empty shell.

This time last year he was what they call a :functioning alcoholic '. Believe me, there was no functioning at the end.

It happens quickly. Creeps up on you one drink at a time.

Any of you who have a drink problem are on the journey to this end. This is the only conclusion unless you stop..

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 15/04/2023 04:57

turned out her birthparents were both alcoholics

Apparently the children of alcoholics inherent defective genes that mean they react to alcohol differently and more dangerously.

I'm so sorry for the alcoholics and the people who have to clean up after them. I'm afraid some people seem to think that drinking themselves to death is a romantic way to go and the posts on this thread show how wrong that can be.

Original poster
NameforMN · 15/04/2023 05:07

To those who think I will regret posting this, you're wrong. My intention is to make anyone on this journey stop and think whilst they can. If even one person does that then great. .

I have no doubt there was trauma beneath all of this. But that's not the point. People can and do recover from alcoholism, so if my post helps in any way then all the better for it.

OP posts:
Harryisabollock · 15/04/2023 05:11

NameforMN · 15/04/2023 05:07

To those who think I will regret posting this, you're wrong. My intention is to make anyone on this journey stop and think whilst they can. If even one person does that then great. .

I have no doubt there was trauma beneath all of this. But that's not the point. People can and do recover from alcoholism, so if my post helps in any way then all the better for it.

It certainly helps me - still steadfast in recovery..could so easily have been different but I thankfully had my own moment of awful clarity before getting my shit together. Soft peddling the issue helps no one.

Original poster
NameforMN · 15/04/2023 05:22

It's quite interesting that some people want to tell me what I feel, and shut me down from sharing my reality. Would I tell my friends or someone in the pub this? No. But the format of a forum aimed at those with an alcohol problem is different

There is a taboo around the reality of alcohol dependency on this level. The trauma for the relatives and the ,covering up of facts.

Re the comparison with the 'blameless disease', you're missing the point. Part of alcoholism to this level is the refusal to allow anyone to help, or more to the point the fact that there is no help that will work.

OP posts:
theheights · 15/04/2023 05:29

I've lost two members of my family to alcoholism and I have a third who's currently dying of it.

It's an incredibly complex disease but I'm so very sorry you're going through this OP. I think your post is hugely important. It might save a life.

MrsMorrisey · 15/04/2023 05:36

It's massively shit OP.
I really feel for you. My parents drink a lot and about 20 years ago I tried to intervene but was faced with anger and resentment.
You really can't do anything about it which makes it feels so much worse.
My heart goes out to you.

user40643 · 15/04/2023 05:37

I think this was a brave move and want to thank OP and others for sharing their personal experiences.

@LuluBlakey1 your post was particularly eye opening.

It's all so very sad.

I had a family friend die in the same way. Saw him a few days beforehand and then was found dead by my mother. I'm not sure if the poor dog he had just got survived. I don't drink alcohol and have never been dependant on that or anything else so I'm not the intended recipient of this threat however it is very moving all the same.

As for comparing it with brain cancer. I cannot even comment on that. My best friend died of that at a young age. There's really no comparing them.

HuntingoftheSnark · 15/04/2023 07:16

I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been in AA for many years. We had a chair (person who describes their experience, strength and hope) a couple of years ago who pretty much said all that @NameforMN has in her OP. Not that they had experienced it, but that for anyone who thinks they can return to drinking and somehow become a "normal" drinker, this is almost certainly the end that awaits us - and the horrible reality that we would inflict upon those we love.

I've known people to die this sort of death too, it's hideous for them and for those who have to deal with the aftermath.

I always remember "you can have alcohol - or you can have everything else".

VoldemortsKitten · 15/04/2023 10:12

I'm so sorry your dad got to this point @NameforMN and couldn't get free of it. I was staring down this end a few years ago. Having a drink started out socially as the only thing that would make me feel happier, better, and turned in to the only thing that would make me feel normal. Without it I would shake and feel sick and be in mental anguish. Functioned for ages like that 'managing it' 2 units every 2 hours to keep normal, even keel. When a few family members started to notice I was devastated I adored them, I didn't want them to worry or be sad, this was my problem and I was trying to hide it and deal with it

It was like being starving hungry and your family saying please just try not to eat. You want them to be happy again you adore them, you want it to be possible not to eat again so you try not to, just sneaking a croissant every now and then when you're out shopping or in lunch hour at work

But the relief you feel from finally being something to eat is palpable, you'll sneak some mini eggs next on the way home from work. Hide some in the bedroom, no one will know, you're not hurting anyone. (I know this is not true now it's denial) You just need to know that if the hunger gets really really bad you'll be able to have some relief

It sounds ridiculous no one needs alcohol. I am so sorry for anyone who has had to watch a loved one go through this. It must be so terrifying and helpless I do not mean to add to your suffering by sharing this at all I'm trying to put across a little of the other side. that is genuinely how it feels when your body is dependent on a substance. You're torn and in turmoil It changes your brain chemistry, your body expects it and goes into panic mode when it doesn't get any.

Denial is massive, you become so caught up in the exhausting machinations and lies just to feel ok and not hurt anyone as far as possible

I am so grateful I managed to break the cycle and see it for what it was. I am free.

@HuntingoftheSnark is spot on. If you have an issue with it, You can have alcohol or you can have everything else. You'll lose it all in the end.

I am so delighted when I read threads here and posters have realised they need to address their drinking. Even if they disappear and we never know whether this was their turning point, acknowledging there's an issue is massive. Everyone has some false starts.

VoldemortsKitten · 15/04/2023 10:24

LuluBlakey1 · 15/04/2023 00:28

My cousin's wife drank from being a teenager. He had no idea how much she drank until she was about 25/26. Yes, she had a bit too much at parties or on holiday but the reality was she was drinking all day and he didn't know. She had a good job, was funny, bright, good company, popular, kind- and constantly topped up with vodka.

It came to light when she was pregnant- she even drank then. They had a baby who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. By the time he was at school she had been in detox several times but always went back to alcohol.

My cousin tried every way he could think of to support her not drinking but she always went back to it. She was hospitalised several times after falling down the stairs drunk (found by their son twice when he arrived home from school), crashing the car into a tree (quite seriously injured and lost her license, luckily no one else was hurt), falling in the street , falling down a metal staircase at work.

It was really shocking to watch it happening. My cousin would search the whole house every week and always found hidden vodka bottles or bottles she had poured vodka into- in cupboards, drawers, amongst clothes, in the garage, in the loo cistern, in the spare wheel of the car, up high on shelves in the utility room behind other things, behind the bath panel.

She went into detox and then lived in a unit where vulnerable people lived in their own bedsit room but there were communal facilities for meals and support from workers. She was there 6 months and then moved into her own flat- a council flat. Within a fortnight she was drunk continually, locking herself out, her support worker found her unconscious. By then she had liver disease, skin problems, her teeth were falling out, her face was red and bloated. The police were called to a hotel where she was going dressed up at lunchtime, sitting at the bar and prostituting herself to businessmen to get money for alcohol. She was becoming aggressive to businessmen who weren't interested. My cousin had to re-furbish a lot of their house- new sofa, new carpets, new bed and bedding.

For several years my cousin-they were living separately- visited her at her flat, did her food shopping, her washing and ironing, supported her financially, went to medical appointments with her, sorted out all her business matters, cleaned up after her but eventually he stopped. He described a filthy bed, urine soaked carpets, a filthy bathroom, she was vomiting blood- it was horrible. She started fires in the flat.He walked away. The council cleared the flat and her belongings when she eventually left- there were complaints about the smell and they had to replace all the flooring in the bathroom, bedroom and sitting room.

She refused to let her parents into her flat or to see them and they both died over the next few years- she never saw them. She developed really bad liver disease and a kind of dementia and just got worse. She died in a home last year, alone, at 52. Their son had refused to see her for a number of years- he has been developmentally delayed by the FAS and although has caught up a lot will never catch up fully.

Really sad and very shocking to see someone we knew turn into what she dud but she could not be helped. She was on a path to self-destruction. Interestingly, she was adopted at birth but it turned out her birthparents were both alcoholics- her adoptive parents did not drink and my cousin rarely had a drink and stopped altogether when he first discovered the extent she was drinking.

It's a terrible, terrible thing- incredibly destructive.

Oh this is just devastating for all of them. It must have had such a strong hold on her.

This really hits home as I have two sons, thankfully they were still very little when I stopped drinking, and I was sober during pregnancy. But I can see this could well have been the way things ended up. They still could if I ever allow myself to think that it's been years so I'll be fine to moderate. Once you've been out of control I don't think you can ever go back.

Thank you for sharing it my heart goes out to the family

RoseThornside · 15/04/2023 10:37

LuluBlakey1 · 15/04/2023 00:28

My cousin's wife drank from being a teenager. He had no idea how much she drank until she was about 25/26. Yes, she had a bit too much at parties or on holiday but the reality was she was drinking all day and he didn't know. She had a good job, was funny, bright, good company, popular, kind- and constantly topped up with vodka.

It came to light when she was pregnant- she even drank then. They had a baby who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. By the time he was at school she had been in detox several times but always went back to alcohol.

My cousin tried every way he could think of to support her not drinking but she always went back to it. She was hospitalised several times after falling down the stairs drunk (found by their son twice when he arrived home from school), crashing the car into a tree (quite seriously injured and lost her license, luckily no one else was hurt), falling in the street , falling down a metal staircase at work.

It was really shocking to watch it happening. My cousin would search the whole house every week and always found hidden vodka bottles or bottles she had poured vodka into- in cupboards, drawers, amongst clothes, in the garage, in the loo cistern, in the spare wheel of the car, up high on shelves in the utility room behind other things, behind the bath panel.

She went into detox and then lived in a unit where vulnerable people lived in their own bedsit room but there were communal facilities for meals and support from workers. She was there 6 months and then moved into her own flat- a council flat. Within a fortnight she was drunk continually, locking herself out, her support worker found her unconscious. By then she had liver disease, skin problems, her teeth were falling out, her face was red and bloated. The police were called to a hotel where she was going dressed up at lunchtime, sitting at the bar and prostituting herself to businessmen to get money for alcohol. She was becoming aggressive to businessmen who weren't interested. My cousin had to re-furbish a lot of their house- new sofa, new carpets, new bed and bedding.

For several years my cousin-they were living separately- visited her at her flat, did her food shopping, her washing and ironing, supported her financially, went to medical appointments with her, sorted out all her business matters, cleaned up after her but eventually he stopped. He described a filthy bed, urine soaked carpets, a filthy bathroom, she was vomiting blood- it was horrible. She started fires in the flat.He walked away. The council cleared the flat and her belongings when she eventually left- there were complaints about the smell and they had to replace all the flooring in the bathroom, bedroom and sitting room.

She refused to let her parents into her flat or to see them and they both died over the next few years- she never saw them. She developed really bad liver disease and a kind of dementia and just got worse. She died in a home last year, alone, at 52. Their son had refused to see her for a number of years- he has been developmentally delayed by the FAS and although has caught up a lot will never catch up fully.

Really sad and very shocking to see someone we knew turn into what she dud but she could not be helped. She was on a path to self-destruction. Interestingly, she was adopted at birth but it turned out her birthparents were both alcoholics- her adoptive parents did not drink and my cousin rarely had a drink and stopped altogether when he first discovered the extent she was drinking.

It's a terrible, terrible thing- incredibly destructive.

Absolutely brilliant description of a typical pathway for alcoholism. My friend died at 57 having followed almost exactly these steps, except her 15 year old son was still living with her. 😥

All the jokes and memes about "wine o'clock" etc just make me cross nowadays. It's a horrible, horrible disease and ruins countless lives.

Friarclose · 15/04/2023 10:43

My father had a similar ending but he died in hospital 2 years ago.

His house was also soaked in shit and piss, his legs were so ulcerated they were nearly necrotic. He'd driven away everyone who cared. He was in a prison of his own making and he couldn't find a way out.

He died alone in hospital at 3.55pm. I arrived at 4.05pm. I was just 10 mins too late. He was swollen beyond belief, yellow, and had a look of what I can only describe as terror on his face. He was just 63 years old.

I've struggled since. I see that face often. Sometimes I also find solace in a bottle. Alcoholism is a shit of a disease and there's definitely a genetic aspect to it. His father before him also had issues with alcohol, as does his brother.

It's hard. I know exactly how you feel OP. It's an ending that haunts you forever.

Mangolist · 15/04/2023 11:08

I daily thank whatever it was that t finally gave me the strength to stop dead 10 years ago. Withdrawing wasn't my favourite experience(!) but I wouldn't be here if I hadn't.

Original poster
NameforMN · 15/04/2023 11:46

The other aspect is the huge amount of ££ spent. He has left very little behind , which I suspect would have upset him greatly. He was ploughing through money at the end ordering huge quantities of alcohol.

OP posts:
hulahoopqueen · 15/04/2023 11:50

Having read through this thread, I am so sorry to all of those

hulahoopqueen · 15/04/2023 11:51

*all of those whose lives have been affected by family members or loved ones with this disease. It is a heartbreaking thing to experience and I wish all of you the very best Flowers

Cornettoninja · 15/04/2023 12:26

@NameforMN I’m really sorry about your father.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with posting your experience. I can sort of see what that poster was getting at earlier but this is what alcoholism looks like. Sadly it isn’t just the addicted person who is affected and your experience and associated feelings are just as important and valid. Whilst the fact that addiction almost always arises from trauma doesn’t get enough attention, there is very real trauma beyond the addict that arises as a result of that addiction.

Mangolist · 15/04/2023 12:33

I know that my trauma was a big part of my alcohol issues and finally, ten years on, I'm finally getting the right counselling I need.

Usou · 15/04/2023 12:40

Tell it like it is OP.

Alcoholics usually die from acute oesophagal bleeding - projectile vomiting blood, or from liver failure.

There's also the "wet brain" option.

They are all horrific.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 15/04/2023 13:06

Alcoholics usually die from acute oesophagal bleeding - projectile vomiting blood, or from liver failure.

That is how my brother died, only in his mid 40s. I saw my mother kiss her only son goodbye while he was lying in the hospital chapel. I’ll never forget that and it will always haunt me.

My father had alcohol induced dementia and suffered a stroke in his spinal chord which paralysed him from the chest down.

I can’t bear it when I hear people boasting about their alcohol consumption or how funny it was when they were drunk, etc.

Minimalme · 15/04/2023 13:40

Thank you op for sharing your experience. There is a brutal reality to alcoholism - it does not spare those who have had difficult pasts. It doesn't care why you drink, it just marches through your organs day after day causing damage.

My Dad was an alcoholic until he was 49. Then he gave up.

By that point his kids were fucked up, he had married an abusive woman and was too pissed to save us from her, and we had experienced his alcoholic rages so regularly that I am still scared now at the age of 49.

Physically, his liver was good. However, his kidneys failed along with his heart. He made it to 71 thanks largely to the private healthcare he could afford.

I gave up alcohol at 32. I was a binge drinker and it was escalating into alcoholic blackouts and pissing myself.

There is absolutely NO WAY I would have had kids while I was drinking. I refuse to pass on the legacy of alcoholism that was passed into me.

Minimalme · 15/04/2023 13:44

And to add - there is no reason to drink and no justification for drinking.

I get it's a dependency, a way of coping, a means of escaping life, but that does not mean those who love/have loved an alcoholic should be there for them and suffer for them.

pinkorchid1 · 15/04/2023 14:33

@NameforMN Sorry for your loss. I could have written this exact post about my dad. The details are identical.
Be kind to yourself.
It's been a few years since my dad died now and the guilt has eased a bit.
What really hit home for me was attending the funeral for the father of a close friend. I found it so upsetting as it hit home the kind of relationship and dad I could have had if he hadn't been an alcoholic and made the choices he did (i.e prioritising alcohol over everything and everyone else along with zero accountability). It's so hard. Ultimately you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Original poster
NameforMN · 15/04/2023 14:41

@pinkorchid1 I am sorry for your loss too. That's the thing isn't it, it's not just the loss at the time. It's the loss of the relationships before that. He had one friend at the end, and a very precarious relationship with me and even less of one with my brother. He pushed everyone away.

He never met my children (now in their late teens) as I couldn't expose them to him.

I remember when my DCs were tiny and seeing a man with his grandson in the park and wishing I had a dad who could do that.

It's all so sad and awful.

OP posts:
pointythings · 15/04/2023 18:24

My heart goes out to everyone on this thread who has been there. It's not quite 5 years since my husband died from the consequences of alcoholism. We were in the process of divorcing because he had become abusive towards our DC and in lesser measure towards me, and I'd had him removed from the family home by police after threats to kill me. He died alone in the flat he had only been in for 8 months. In his case it was heart disease caused by alcohol and the flat was not in a state, but it was very hot and it was 4 days before he was found. Fortunately I didn't have to deal with that myself, the letting agent did it all and it was covered by the deposit, but it was traumatic because identification had to be done by dental records.

He'd done rehab but never really accepted he had a problem. He lost everything - his job, his wife, his kids, his house, his life.