The reality of the end

[NameforMN]

My father died this week. He was an alcoholic for around 15 years, if not longer. During that time he lost his business , his house, his wife and friends. As his daughter, I'm next of kin so tasked with sorting out his life, as it was.

His rental flat is covered in urine, blood and shit. His mattress is drenched in urine. His bed sheets caked in blood from where he fell over in a drunk stupor. He has defecated on the sofa and carpet. He lay dead for 4 days before he was found. He spent the last 6 months in his flat , refusing visitors and ordering wine off Amazon.

We are left cleaning this up and sorting his estate out. Managing the horror and guilt.

This is what happens.
This is the reality of the end.

You may well ask where my sibling and I were . Why didn't we step in? Keep his flat clean? Look after him?

Quite simply, if he'd moved in with me, it would be my house he shat, pissed and bled all over. It wouldn't have stopped him. He'd just do it a different address.

He was impossible. Lies, lies, lies and more lies as alcohol consumed the man that he was, and left an empty shell.

This time last year he was what they call a :functioning alcoholic '. Believe me, there was no functioning at the end.

It happens quickly. Creeps up on you one drink at a time.

Any of you who have a drink problem are on the journey to this end. This is the only conclusion unless you stop..

This thread has really helped me understand my parents who, for many years I felt had "abandoned" my mums sister and husband who were both alcoholics. (I was a child at this point)

In reality I remember enough to know that actually they were probably put through the wringer by it all and felt they had no choice but not to get pulled down by it.

I don't mean to take over this thread at all OP, but if anyone wants to chat, please feel free to message. My ex DP died a couple of years ago of alcoholism very young, and in total denial (their family in total denial too). There aren't many people who 'get it' so I'd appreciate if anyone wants to talk.

Thank you all. I thought I'd check in almost 2 weeks after he died. My brother and I had the task of sorting out his flat. That meant bagging up his urine and blood soaked duvet and bedding. Wiping shit off the walls, throwing out food that expired months ago and gathering the hidden bottles and boxes of wine. It was ugly, exhausting and soul destroying.

Hi @NameforMN this was my reality too. My Dad passed away 8 years ago from Alcoholism addiction.

This country as a whole is in a mess with alcohol. People like your father op, the people that impacts, the nhs, and so on. I rarely drink (just don't like the taste generally) but am made to feel like a bore on a night out unless I join in ... every supermarket has the alcohol at the furthest point from the entrance - partly due to shoplifting but also to the number of people who buy it and to make you walk all through the store and buy other stuff while you're there.
Very little entertainment in this country doesn't involve alcohol - pubs, restaurants, any events are all based around people buying alcohol while they're there

Bless your heart. I am so sorry.

I, for one, would really like to thank you for your posts and for not pulling any punches. They have really made me wake up with where my own life has been heading of late, and made me take steps to change my ways and self-delusions. Thank you again. x

I am so sorry you had to go through that, but thank you for the update. The reality needs to be out there.

Mine was not so bad - my late husband's flat was sorted out by the letting agents and it was well worth the loss of his deposit.

But I got a box of his things back - documents, passport, wallet, other stuff I needed for ID/probate.

It all smelled of decomposition. I will never forget.

@REP22 I'm glad the thread has the affect I wanted. If it just makes one of you stop and think then it's worth it and a legacy for my dad. No one deserves a death like that. No one deserves to be the one left to deal with it.

My heart goes out to you @NameforMN

In so glad you posted the reality of alcohol addiction OP - especially from the p.o.v. of a family member. Behind every addict is a family going through complete hell and they are left to pick up the pieces. I have alot of sympathy for addiction but I have even more sympathy for the family members in the background suffering and begging their loved ones to stop. It really is the family disease.

This thread has been so emotive. I'm sorry op. Sorry that you had to deal with that.

I had a similar situation with a family member.

You know it's only now that I see how drinking to excess is glamourised so heavily. My own best friend can't understand why I don't drink when my children are around.... everyone one of her children's birthday parties from age 1 have been booze fuelled for all the adults, and I'm a weirdo for asking for a cup of tea.

I recently attended a kids party with an entertainer etc at a local cricket club, this was midday and everyone was drinking. When I went to the bar to order I asked for a cuppa and the barmaid looked confused and said she would make me one from the staff room kettle. A couple of other parents stood at the bar drinking were clearly amused by my request. It was a party for 4 year olds.
All of those parents got in cars afterwards.

There's booze available at my local soft play and I've seen a couple of parents literally knock them back one after the other at 11am on a random Wednesday.

You are assumed to be 'boring' if your weekend wasn't a messy alcohol fuelled drama at work.

I've stopped going to Xmas parties at work because everyone is very drunk by about 7pm and grabbing me, kissing and slobbering on me, falling over, blatantly cheating on their partner I know they have.

Both my parents were alcoholics. My grandmother died young from falling down the stairs drunk. She used to hide her vodka in a hot water bottle. My DH has started drinking excessively. I've asked him to download the nhs app for drinking and he failed every one of his pledges for drink free days. He's having 7 or 8 beers a night, coming to bed at 2am and I'm fucking sick of it.

You are so right. Alcohol is made to seem fun and glamorous and exciting, essential even to enjoy oneself. People who don’t take it are deemed dull and it’s assumed they have some sort of problem.

And then when addiction happens people are shamed and feel they can’t seek help, support is crap, or comes too late

@stars345 I am so sorry to hear about your DH's drinking. Please consider seeking support for yourself, and please consider the future of the relationship if you have children. I'm not a LTB type, but where there is alcohol dependence in a parent, the risks for children are so high it is very often the only sensible option.

OP I’m so sorry you’ve been affected by this and thank you for bravely sharing your experience.
I gave up alcohol three years ago as I had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol that was spiralling out of control. I never pictures my children cleaning up my mess in that way but I guess no one does. But I did know that I didn’t want my children to remember me always with a drink in my hand, always “needing a glass of wine”, always grumpy (because hungover) or with an absent look on my face.
So I quit. It was hard work and luck and a good support network that made my sobriety a success. I feel for those unable to quit and I feel for their loved ones too. Alcoholism is a horrible disease and I’m grateful every day I escaped it.

I m very sorry for your loss and thank you to everyone who has shared. It wasn't our fault.

Child of a dry alcoholic. My parent did AA when I was about 13, other parent was in complete denial. I was at home with a withdrawing alcoholic for next 4 years, as in the support person.

I should be more resentful than I am, I m still figuring it all out. I recently told one of my siblings, that they too clearly had an alcohol problem and to do AA. More denial, and bitter passive aggression from that sibling. However we recently met, and sibling looked a bit more healthy than the previous occasion, less bloated, less flushed..... Perhaps they are taking steps to help themself. Sibling went to bed after a family meal out, whereas before would have drank into the night. Sibling has also had many drink induced accidents, it's like the surviving parent enjoys the drama, laughs it all off.

It's all very messed up. Surviving parent has a fondness for a flakey work colleague that snorts coke and foesnt show up half thetime. Survivng parent loves addicts.

I have no judgement when it come to men.. I guess I enjoy addicts too, that's sad, but they can be funny and if you are used to drama, normal life can be very boring. I m still figuring myself out.

And the money, all the money wasted. And the mean spiritedness and anger that comes with the hang over and the cravings.

I watch my own drinking, it's so easy to normalise it all. It's intergenerational. The whole family is sick.

Anyway, you are not alone. We didn't create this issue, we couldnt/can't cure it, we can only protect ourselves and our children. Sending you all love. Xxx

Even though my dry alcoholic parent was fully functioning dryish for the last 20 years, still died of strokes and multi organ failure, which is a sad way to go, and about 15 years too early.

But the brain damage of alcohol, a really clever person becoming erratic and we were so conditioned to accept anything, that there were many daft decisions made which still impact us to this day. Mad DIY/house renovations imposed on us. Anyway sorry fit the me, me, me, but I know how extreme the after effects are.

Sorry to all who have been impacted and are in shock or grieving.

@LuluBlakey1 your story absolutely chilled me to the core - that could have been me. I was on the same trajectory, drinking vodka all day, sip by secretive sip, throughout my 20s and early 30s.

Somehow, I'm really still not sure how - I managed to get to an AA meeting 15 years ago and have been sober since. My dc have grown up with a healthy, present mother (although some of the mental health issues that drove me to drink in the first place still affect me). Sometimes I will find myself wishing I could have a drink, or trying to convince myself that I will be able to drink again in the future.

Threads like this are such a useful reminder of what is waiting for me if I ever slip up

You've done an amazing thing. It is so difficult. I think she lost control in her twenties and was never able to get it back. It's a terrible disease - a destroyer of lives.

That isn't the reality of 'the end' for millions of people who could be considered alcoholic though.

That's why your post is perhaps not so helpful. Alcoholism is a spectrum and many, many people are functional throughout their lives and don't end up shitting up the walls and puking blood everywhere.

That is a small number of 'terminal alcoholics' and the majority of people who would be clinically considered to be alcoholic would not have that kind of death.

That's taking the 'its a disease' approach of AA and similar with the unevidenced idea that alcoholism is a degenerative disease and people never maintain a similar intake (albeit destructive) for decades with it never worsening and will always end up alone shitting all over themselves, drinking hand sanitizer or aftershave and puking blood.

Which really doesn't happen to most 'alcoholics'.

And that's why your post isn't that helpful and seemed to be more about you than any kind of warning you sought to impart.

@TrufflySnufgl6 do you not think it’s a disease?

For me, the urge to drink was so all-consuming. Others have described the addictive compulsion as being as strong as the urge to breathe or to eat, and that was honestly what it was like for me. I still understand what miracle enabled me to stop.

Most alcoholics either stop drinking or die. The circumstances may not be as squalid as op’s dad, but they usually die an unpleasant death, liver failure etc

Sorry, don’t understand!

Alcoholics die from their drinking eventually. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes a big dramatic ending and sometimes years and years of chipping away at their liver, heart and brain health. I think that’s a message worth reiterating.

It might not be having lost everything and living in squalor, but alcoholism kills the majority of alcoholics and leads to misery and damaged relationships and broken families. It’s fucking bleak on many of the rings of the ladder above ‘rock bottom’.

I think what’s much more unhelpful than anything AA might say is the widely held belief that ONLY the alcoholic who has lost it all and dies in their own shit is a ‘real alcoholic’.

There are a hundred shades of shit with alcoholism.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP, and how grim things got for your Dad and for you

I’m very sorry for your loss @NameforMN and thank you for being so brave and posting this.

I respectfully disagree. People who go through life drinking alcohol without increasing reliance and tolerance, without ending up in the situation that the OP and @LuluBlakey1 and others describe, are arguably not "alcoholics". But it IS an addictive substance and some people are unable to free themselves. If you fall into that path and cannot free yourself the end is inevitable. You don't even necessarily have to be a stereotypical alcoholic to be alcohol-dependent.

We are all different. Of course not everybody (thankfully) will meet this appalling end. But British people are five times more likely to die from an alcohol-related illness than in a car crash. The WHO classes alcohol as a leading carcinogen, alongside tobacco and asbestos. It's a very real problem that affects ordinary people.

But for a lot of people, becoming gradually more dependent on a drink is the first step on a treacherous road with increasingly limited avenues off. Certainly not for all. But, as the OP says, if their post helps just one person - one person out of millions - then it is worth it.

@RealLife101 is right. @soberfor15years is right.

The OP's post was a valuable wake-up call for me and, hopefully, others. I am glad she and others have had the courage and honesty to share their dreadful experiences. I'm actually quite appalled that you have suggested that the post was shared for self-promoting, "more about you", reasons. Few would want to brag about that situation. I remain thankful for @NameforMN's account. How dare you suggest that it isn't helpful or that the "small number of 'terminal alcoholics'" makes it somehow irrelevant or unworthy of posting?

It's uncomfortable reading, to be sure, but I hope it spares at least one person, if only one, from having to face an ending like this.

What a tragic thread.

My brother is hopelessly addicted to alcohol and my heart breaks reading this.

I also recognise the 'Where are the family? Why didn't they do something to stop it?' rhetoric we hear every time an addict succumbs to their condition.

These people have obviously never been in the shoes of living every day in dread of 'that' phone call, being desperate to help your loved one, whilst all the while knowing there is nothing you can do. The only person who can help an addict is the addict.

I've tried so hard. DH and I have used our own savings to put him through rehab at a cost of thousands. I've talked myself hoarse. I've tried emotional blackmail. Each method has been about as effective as the other.

As for 'terminal addiction' I am in a support group for the families of addicts run locally by the Forward Trust. There is always hope, and no one wants to give up on their families. Time and time again I see situations where a person seems beyond help or hope, but have pulled back from the brink of what seems like death to get themselves into recovery. It does happen. And sometimes looking that reality in the face is the only thing that can cause it to happen.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP, I thank you for sharing, and my heart goes out to all struggling and the unenviable position their families are in.

Addiction is a hideous, hideous disease.