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Alcohol support

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The reality of the end

194 replies

NameforMN · 14/04/2023 23:03

My father died this week. He was an alcoholic for around 15 years, if not longer. During that time he lost his business , his house, his wife and friends. As his daughter, I'm next of kin so tasked with sorting out his life, as it was.

His rental flat is covered in urine, blood and shit. His mattress is drenched in urine. His bed sheets caked in blood from where he fell over in a drunk stupor. He has defecated on the sofa and carpet. He lay dead for 4 days before he was found. He spent the last 6 months in his flat , refusing visitors and ordering wine off Amazon.

We are left cleaning this up and sorting his estate out. Managing the horror and guilt.

This is what happens.
This is the reality of the end.

You may well ask where my sibling and I were . Why didn't we step in? Keep his flat clean? Look after him?

Quite simply, if he'd moved in with me, it would be my house he shat, pissed and bled all over. It wouldn't have stopped him. He'd just do it a different address.

He was impossible. Lies, lies, lies and more lies as alcohol consumed the man that he was, and left an empty shell.

This time last year he was what they call a :functioning alcoholic '. Believe me, there was no functioning at the end.

It happens quickly. Creeps up on you one drink at a time.

Any of you who have a drink problem are on the journey to this end. This is the only conclusion unless you stop..

OP posts:
Jordyn86 · 04/04/2024 13:17

Thank you @REP22

Im going to look into your suggestions. The thought of never having alcohol in my life used to worry me. The thought of ONLY having alcohol in my life has scared me so much more xx.

HuntingoftheSnark · 04/04/2024 18:42

Jordyn86 · 04/04/2024 13:17

Thank you @REP22

Im going to look into your suggestions. The thought of never having alcohol in my life used to worry me. The thought of ONLY having alcohol in my life has scared me so much more xx.

I've been in AA for nearly 16 years. As we say - you can have alcohol, or you can have everything else.

Wishing you all the very best - it really is a completely different life and I used to be a multiple bottles of wine a day drinker.

REP22 · 31/07/2024 12:42

Bumping this once again (apologies @NameforMN, hope it's OK, and that you are doing alright these days). It's a helpful reminder and useful for those of us who find ourselves in this region of MN, for whatever reasons. x

Cantabulous · 31/07/2024 14:12

Good idea @REP22. This thread has stayed with me more than any other I’ve ever read on MN…

REP22 · 31/07/2024 14:17

Thanks @Cantabulous - me too. I know it's grim but I've found it helpful when the temptation is strong and the Wine Witch/Vodka Voldemort is whispering in my ear. It explains in words better than I could muster why I must not go back down that road again. Very best wishes to you. x

Cantabulous · 31/07/2024 15:22

And to you, @REP22, and to all who struggle every day with saying no to the pain and degradation of addiction.

seedsandseeds · 01/08/2024 02:00

WanderingHippo · 15/03/2024 18:58

I am so sorry OP. I lost a boyfriend once, long distance, who had descended in the 8 weeks since I had stayed. It was an awful, toxic, codependent relationship I had been attempting to retreat from. I had been there every month, and every month I cleared the entire house from the filth he accumulated after he gave up trying after a rehab attempt in which he bragged about how easy it was to smuggle vodka in. The Scottish booze price increases sent him from cider to vodka as it was more cost effective. He only lasted 3 months after that change, despite being a drinker for the decade+ I had know him. He was found 4 days after I knew he had died and only after I had begged his mother to go and check as I was sure (I was 500 miles a way and looking at flights to go and find the body I knew was there). His body had just given up completely, essentially, while he shoved toxic shite into it. He'd been buying methadone from a friend, as it made the booze more effective, so his money would stretch further... Bottles of once vodka, now piss, filled his bedroom and the house needed gutting.

When I had last stayed, he'd stopped eating and I left crying, knowing that that was the end. It's never more than a year once eating stops being normal ime. I'd seen it before, a few times. My dad died of a poorly managed detox that came too late when I was still a child, in front of me. I was the one who told my mother it was too late and to stop cpr. I was the one watching as the blood started seeping from his eyes, ears, nose and mouth. I was the one who picked my baby brother up from that death bed and cared for him that night. I was the one who picked up the pieces of my mother's various addictions (alcohol included) from the age of 4, when I was big enough to try.

I am not that person now. I will not be. I don't drink, I don't use drugs. I won't be in situations with drunk people. I don't associate with my mother. I have a calm and stable life and will never, ever be the clear up idiot again. It's an awful role to have. I am so sorry that you have had to face that. I am sorry your dad did too (, and mine and all the others who do), but my resources of sympathy and empathy are finite, and so broadly reserved for the poor sods who have had to deal with the grime and the devastated life they had no say in.

Heartbreaking 😓

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2024 04:00

Great idea for a thread op, really enlightening

Frecklespy · 02/08/2024 11:16

Thanks OP, this thread is helping me process everything that has recently happened in our family. We lost my husband's sister two months ago in near identical circumstances. She was early fifties. A much loved, fun, kind and caring girl, she had a boyfriend, loving parents and her brother as well as the wider family, all of whom miss her terribly.

Hope you are doing ok, as well as everyone else here who have similar stories to share. I am humbled by these stories and it does help to know that we are not alone.

Orchid09 · 14/08/2024 12:43

Hi. Just read this thread. Thank you for sharing OP. It has really shocked me and frightened me to get alcohol out of my life. I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and it does nothing positive for me. I’ve read a lot of posts on websites but nothing has hit me quite as hard as these posts in this thread.

i can see myself ending up alone with bottles of wine or falling and killing myself. I’ve had many near misses that’s for sure. I have recently made a decision to ask for help at my GPs and told my immediate family that alcohol feels bigger than me. I’m taking steps to stop and I’m writing my life story so one day, when I’m 💯 sober I can help others stop too.

Thank you @REP22 for pointing me in this direction 💛

Cantabulous · 16/08/2024 08:48

Well done @Orchid09, every important journey has a first step, and you’ve taken it. Good luck x

PleaseBePacific · 16/08/2024 09:35

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone, I really needed to read this thread today

REP22 · 16/08/2024 12:43

PleaseBePacific · 16/08/2024 09:35

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone, I really needed to read this thread today

Hope things get better for you very soon. x

Orchid09 · 16/08/2024 22:44

I’m reading a book at the moment, and one of the characters is an alcoholic mother who hires a nanny to look after her young son. After another evening drinking wine she had a bath, then slipped and fell smacking her head on the cold floor knocking herself out nearly dead. The narrator described it as “well, it was going to happen, in her case it wasn't not going to happen, it was a case of when, and it just happened to be sooner rather than later”…. Sent a shiver down my spine and made me think of this thread.

Fridays normally my trigger. No craving. No urge to drink. Not one tiny thought about a glass of wine. I just know there are two paths for me now, and they are leading in very different directions.

we can do this 💛

REP22 · 17/08/2024 13:04

Well said @Orchid09. There was a lady local to me whose life tragically ended exactly that way. It was nearly two weeks before her body was found, with her two dogs just about alive (try not to think about how) still in the house. That's what awaits me if I don't keep sober. x

wizzler · 17/08/2024 13:13

Totally agree with you @NameforMN . My Db died this year from the effects of alcoholism. He went from being a lovely, kind, funny, thoughtful man to someone who was angry all the time and had no time for any of us

He died alone except for a bottle of whisky. Was found days later and the house was in such a state the police thought he had been burgled

So so sad but no one could stop him

cookiebee · 20/10/2024 15:25

I was just about to wave goodbye to the alcohol support section as although it’s my own fault for reading it, the justification and denial that posters provide each other with is just appalling. I was just reading a thread of a poster who wanted to give up for a year and predictably just three months in they had consumed alcohol on a break they had been on, had booked another holiday and announced that nah, they are just gonna drink again, it’s not even my business, but it just pissed me off.

This thread is excellent and I think deserves to be bumped from time to time also it’s not just a thread for the relatives of ‘terminal alcoholics’ as one idiot poster put it earlier, it’s for anyone who defensively ‘enjoys’ alcohol.

I’ve tried to explain before that alcohol is a poison, any of us who have ever drank it are doing so because it’s a drug, it gives us a buzz and from that moment we associate that buzz with that drinks flavour, label, brand, the sounds pouring it makes, the pub or room we are in or the people we are with. All of these things are not what we truly enjoy, it’s the buzz, it’s the neurotoxins, it’s the drugs that we are partaking in that hook us, but alcohol is an acceptable drug, Jesus and aunt Judith both enjoyed it, so it’s fine, other drugs, oh no, they are evil.

The biggest argument I’ve read in favour of alcohol consumption is that it’s been around forever and is woven into the fabric of human history, you can’t stop it. Well I’d never try to, but what I do want to see is society changing their view of alcohol, I don’t think it should have beautiful labels, be affordable or be treated as the acceptable middle class indulgence that it is, people should be allowed to do it, but it should be viewed very differently, the way smoking, weed or pills are, it’s actually more destructive that many other substances. But there is just so much denial. Of course one argument that would crop up against huge price hikes or ghoulish labels like on cigarettes would be you would drive people to brew their own, well let them if it makes them feel like they are doing frowned upon drugs and stops the normalisation of this devastating substance.

I have seen a couple of horrendous endings from alcohol like those on this thread, but I’ve also seen other illnesses due to alcohol, cancers, strokes, dementia, personality changes and all from people who enjoy alcohol in a civilised way and don’t have a problem as they or society sees it, but if you partake in drugs, in however small amounts these are the real risks and if anyone is that confident that they are not addicted in even a small way, then why ever have the alcohol at all. The arguments always come back because they like the flavour, it’s a social lubricant, prohibition didn’t work, people used to drink weaker versions because water used to be unsafe etc etc etc. I’m yet to hear an actual convincing argument as to why humans still actually need this stuff!

I’m sorry to anyone from childhood until the end who has ever had negativity from this stuff in their lives, it really serves no purpose, stories like everyone’s on here must keep being told, but also everyone needs to be reminded that there are no positives to drinking.

The reality of the end
LightSpeeds · 20/10/2024 15:42

I've had two alcoholic partners. The first one drank himself into ill health and died recently during or after an operation due to drink-related issues.

The other one may have stopped drinking but I don't have any contact with him now.

The relationships (the lying and total unreliability) were pretty awful. I generally feel sorry for an alcoholics loved-ones and the hell they go through.

I'm sorry to hear about your father but glad it's now over for him. Can you afford to have a deep clean done?

HangingOver · 02/11/2024 17:49

I'm so sorry for your troubles.

I'm 4 years in recovery and never stop thinking about this potential outcome.

In fact I watch The Rain in My Heart at least once every six months and revisit quitlit regularly.

It's very important to recovery to know it's still out there

Fairylightssaber · 03/01/2025 11:19

Bumping , thanks for this thread. It was mentioned in the dry January one. Good to know just how nasty alcohol is. Sorry to everyone, horrendous.

REP22 · 03/01/2025 16:39

Fairylightssaber · 03/01/2025 11:19

Bumping , thanks for this thread. It was mentioned in the dry January one. Good to know just how nasty alcohol is. Sorry to everyone, horrendous.

Thanks for the bump @Fairylightssaber - I've bumped it and linked to it in the "Continuing Support for Alcohol-Free Life" threads a couple of times myself. It's a salutary reminder to us all. Happy new year to you. x

RainbowLife · 05/01/2025 15:56

Hello
I'm here because my husband is very poorly.
It's hard to see any chink of hope for him. His best chance is probably a non fatal incident or accident that leads to hospital admission but going on his recent decisions to keep picking up even an enforced hospital detox will probably only put another kink in the stream. Its seems we're going downhill to the sea.
He began this relapse in November and hasn't had an direct contact with our primary school aged son since then. I don't know whether I would attempt to take him to say goodbye to his dad in hospital if that moment arrives.

I came back to mumsnet to ask ' how serious does this sound?'. He's barely eating , drinking a great deal, his organs are struggling. I'm told he can't get to the bathroom without being practically carried.

Perhaps that question's not necessary. Perhaps this thread has already told me.

With love to all friends and families of those who have struggled, or are struggling with the choice of whether to have alcohol or everything else. And to the still suffering alcoholic.

YourMintSeal · 05/01/2025 16:27

This is an old thread but it hits close to home for me too. My father was an alcoholic all his adult life, and abstained a few times during my early childhood, but generally it consumed him in the end.

I just want to say, the reality of the end is sometimes not the end. In my father’s case it was a long, long time before he died, but I mourned the loss of him a whole ten years before he actually died, when he gave up on everything and chose alcohol. Dealing with the shame of that as an adult woman and dealing with the unending grief in the years before his actual death was at times very difficult. I didn’t go to his funeral. I don’t tell anyone about my that part of my life. He came from a middle class family, went to private school, got a good job, had a wife and children, then pissed it all away.

Sometimes the end happens long before the end.

LawksaMercyMissus · 05/01/2025 18:18

@RainbowLife so very sorry, particularly as your child is so young. Do you have authority to talk to his doctors ?

Also, I hope you're getting some help to cope with this, I recommend AlAnon.

TortoiseWhoLovesStrawberries · 05/01/2025 22:53

Very sorry to hear this; I feel for you and your young son. Alcoholism is all encompassing, not just for the person who is addicted but for everyone around them.

A few questions:

  1. Does he actually want to stop drinking? I mean REALLY want to.
  2. Is he in contact with outreach etc., AA? Any services?
  3. Where is he living? It sounds as if he’s not with you, which is a good thing.
  4. Do you know if he is regularly taking thiamine (to protect his brain from damage from alcohol)?
  5. Does he realise this will only end one way if he carries on as he is?

Of course, there are lots of other questions I could ask.

He’s barely eating because he’s filling himself up with the empty calories of alcohol, and getting no essential vitamins, nutrients. I don’t want to alarm you too much but that probably means his platelets are low, thus he runs the risk of uncontrolled bleeding if he bruises or cuts himself, as the blood won’t be able to clot. Falling over would be a major risk.

There is help out there but he has to want it, rather than say he does and then ignore what he’s asked to do.

I’m sorry, but from what you’ve said, unless he can get it together now to turn this around, you are right that the prognosis is bleak.