The reality of the end

[NameforMN]

My father died this week. He was an alcoholic for around 15 years, if not longer. During that time he lost his business , his house, his wife and friends. As his daughter, I'm next of kin so tasked with sorting out his life, as it was.

His rental flat is covered in urine, blood and shit. His mattress is drenched in urine. His bed sheets caked in blood from where he fell over in a drunk stupor. He has defecated on the sofa and carpet. He lay dead for 4 days before he was found. He spent the last 6 months in his flat , refusing visitors and ordering wine off Amazon.

We are left cleaning this up and sorting his estate out. Managing the horror and guilt.

This is what happens.
This is the reality of the end.

You may well ask where my sibling and I were . Why didn't we step in? Keep his flat clean? Look after him?

Quite simply, if he'd moved in with me, it would be my house he shat, pissed and bled all over. It wouldn't have stopped him. He'd just do it a different address.

He was impossible. Lies, lies, lies and more lies as alcohol consumed the man that he was, and left an empty shell.

This time last year he was what they call a :functioning alcoholic '. Believe me, there was no functioning at the end.

It happens quickly. Creeps up on you one drink at a time.

Any of you who have a drink problem are on the journey to this end. This is the only conclusion unless you stop..

@SerafinasGoose bless you, I am so sorry. Whatever happens, and I hope that there will be a better outcome than seems possible at the moment, you are a wonderful sister. Best wishes to you. x

Mixed feelings about @TrufflySnufgl6 's post. I'm not sure if this is the point she was making but I do think terrible stories can sometimes be a barrier to change for some people rather than a catalyst, whether those are tragic stories of death like those on this thread (and I've posted one myself) or the kinds of "rock bottom" stories which are often associated with the AA approach. For some problem drinkers, these stories actually delay them making changes, because the addicted mind is very good at saying "well, I'm not that bad, therefore I can carry on drinking". Likewise social stereotypes about addicts can prevent people understanding they they have a problem, as there are many ways in which alcohol use can be harmful and some of them don't look anything like the stereotype.

That said, clearly these stories are helpful to some drinkers and they are also very helpful to people who have been through this as a friend or family member of a drinker. Room for all approaches on this board.

You are right @RealLife101 . There are degrees of alcoholism but most people who are reliant on alcohol will suffer its effects on their health at some point. I'm not talking about a glass of wine twice a week, I'm talking about a reliance, a daily need to drink, or binge-drinking. My closest cousin knows he drinks way too much but functions perfectly well. You'd never think he drank so much if you met him. His whole social life is based around alcohol- pub 3 nights a week and three lunchtimes, visits to beer festivals, football matches, holidays where alcohol is very prominent. He can drink 100 + units a week on a big week. Never has a drink at home, held down a very well-paid job in the city all his working life. He has drank like this since his early 20s.
It's taking its toll now and he has liver problems- stopped drinking for 8 months after a scare but is back to his norm now.

This post made me quite emotional.

I don't always feel like a great sister. It doesn't help that our parents are both dead so I'm the only family he has. Sometimes I need to take a step back for the sake of my own sanity, particularly as my immediate family has had its own issues with illness, bereavement etc. Then I feel guilty for not checking in for a while, although my brother does know I'm always there. It can be so hard to balance sometimes, but the Forward Trust groups are a great help with this.

Thank you so much for your kindness.

I'm glad to see this thread still going. It has had a good outcome, as it seems some people have taken it on board.

To whoever said that the post was about me, I don't really know what you mean by that. I take no pleasure in telling a forum about the state my father was in. I wish that hadn't been his end. Your post seems unnecessarily spiteful and defensive, so I can only assume I've touched a nerve. Of course not all alcoholics die this way. But had you told me that this would have been my father's end, I wouldn't have believed it.

It will be the end for some alcoholics, but which is a different matter and that:s the point. To my mind it's like someone sharing a story about a relative dying in a car accident due to not wearing a seatbelt. If it makes one person put that seatbelt on then it's worth it.

The funeral has happened now. The next step is to wait for the inquest. It's been difficult processing the situation. I try to focus on the older, better memories of my father and I hope over time I can do that rather than think about the last few years.

Thank you for posting this, and I'm sorry you have gone through this.

For different reasons than addiction, I also have experience of cleaning up a place like that after my own dad being there sick and bed bound.

This was important for me to read. I am struggling on and off with alcohol abuse (binge drinking) and, after having a few good stretches of sobriety, I am slipping back into old habits.

I don't know how bad things could get for me if I don't kick it for good, but I don't want to find out - I don't want my children to find out, either.

I know the only person who can make me quit is me!

I'm so sorry for your loss OP (and for having to deal with all of this over the past few weeks/months/years).

I lost two good friends to alcoholism. Both had oesophageal varices which burst. One died outside the hospital we worked in. He was only in his 30's with a wife and young DC. The other died at home of the same thing. For both, we begged them to get help, and tried so hard to do what we could to support them.

My XH was/is an alcoholic. Thousands was spent on rehab. I turned my whole life upside down to try to support/facilitate him to get dry/sober. Nothing worked. He became more and more abusive when drunk (I found out at the end that he was using cocaine too - not a good combination with alcohol at all, as it turned him into a monster). He'd go AWOL and get picked up by the police, or be found passed out lord knows where. The house would be trashed (I'd always get up before the DC to tidy stuff/make sure they didn't come down to anything bad). I tried my best to shield the DC from him when he was drunk. Youngest doesn't remember much, my eldest does remember more. We split 4yrs ago (and I wish I ended things years before). Even now, I start shaking if I smell vodka on someone's breath. It takes me right back to when he was still about and drunk/high. The change in me/the kids was huge when he left. Immediately less stress and a more calm home/life. I mourn the guy he once was.

I think your post shows a stark warning and is important. Thank you for sharing. Often people will think that this sort of thing happens to other people and won't happen to them.

I never understand when people question why families didn't intervene. Had it been that simple, XH would have been sober/clean years ago. I had a good support network and was able to pay for XH's private rehab place. I'm an HCP so knew where to access help for XH. The alcoholic has to WANT to address the problems, fully engage with the help and keep at it. All the interventions in the world won't make a scrap of difference otherwise.

OP and others, I wish you guys all the best xxx

PS @pointythings, it was seeing your posts all those years ago that made me realise that I actually could stop with the helping/intervention and call it quits. And that it was ok for me to step away (for the sake of me and the DC) and state my boundaries. Thank you. xxx

@TicTac80 you've just made my day!

One of the things I've done is carried on going to the support group that helped me manage things when it was all exploding around me with my husband. These days I co-facilitate it and I'm the lead on providing support for people whose loved ones have an issue with alcohol. I also try to advise and support on here. Every time I hear a response like yours it makes it all worthwhile. I hope you're happy and settled now.

I am so sorry. 💐

I am just posting on this thread to bump it back up the list, in the hope that it might be helpful to others. I have had a couple of minor 'blips' on my AF path but am still sober and very gratefully appreciative of how hard it is, but how much better it feels. The stark reality of this OP and subsequent stories bravely and honestly shared here were a real catalyst for me in sorting myself out properly.

Best wishes to you. x

I have alcoholics in my wider family
Uncles, cousins...
My brother drinks a fair bit and lost a job after a failed breath test one morning some years ago. Don't think he's an alcoholic but I don't see much of him so 🤷
My cousin drowned in her own blood, as did my uncle.
Another uncle developed cancer due to drinking.
Another cousin has been to rehab 3 times...no idea how he is now.
Dh and I were out a fair bit last weekend (unusual for us...) and it did hit me just how many people were hammered early evening. We went to 2 shows at the theatre and a comedy show.
Do people really need to drink to excess at the theatre!?
It's becoming a huge problem in theatres, apparently.
I think covid has been disastrous for people with substance addiction or in recovery tbh.
The rates of death must be much higher than pre covid
It's not just being locked up for months on end, it's the lack of support services.
The sheltered housing where my mum lives has 2 alcoholics resident.
Ambulances come occasionally and ship them to hospital for a few weeks. Then they are back. Refuse to let carers/ support workers in 🤷
I'm sorry about your dad op x

Just wanted to bump this one up towards the top of the threads again. I have been struggling again lately and this thread has helped me to be clearer about sticking to choosing to be sober more than some others.
Best wishes to you. x

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Alcohol and drugs took my brother - caused multiple strokes and dementia. He became incapable of managing anything but still 'friends' brought him drink & drugs. he too lived in his own filth - he developed bowel cancer but couldn't look after himself. Carers were woeful and often he wouldn't let them in. In the end he died a slow and awful death in a care home.
It really is a dreadful addiction

For anyone struggling loving someone with an addiction or even worried about how their addiction affects the ones they love.... this song is an amazing expression of the hurt involved

"I'd rather overdose"

By

Honestav

I too come back to this thread from time to time. I hope you are well OP

My son’s father died of liver failure in his early 50’s after a lifetime of addiction. Horrible disease

I am so sorry OP. I lost a boyfriend once, long distance, who had descended in the 8 weeks since I had stayed. It was an awful, toxic, codependent relationship I had been attempting to retreat from. I had been there every month, and every month I cleared the entire house from the filth he accumulated after he gave up trying after a rehab attempt in which he bragged about how easy it was to smuggle vodka in. The Scottish booze price increases sent him from cider to vodka as it was more cost effective. He only lasted 3 months after that change, despite being a drinker for the decade+ I had know him. He was found 4 days after I knew he had died and only after I had begged his mother to go and check as I was sure (I was 500 miles a way and looking at flights to go and find the body I knew was there). His body had just given up completely, essentially, while he shoved toxic shite into it. He'd been buying methadone from a friend, as it made the booze more effective, so his money would stretch further... Bottles of once vodka, now piss, filled his bedroom and the house needed gutting.

When I had last stayed, he'd stopped eating and I left crying, knowing that that was the end. It's never more than a year once eating stops being normal ime. I'd seen it before, a few times. My dad died of a poorly managed detox that came too late when I was still a child, in front of me. I was the one who told my mother it was too late and to stop cpr. I was the one watching as the blood started seeping from his eyes, ears, nose and mouth. I was the one who picked my baby brother up from that death bed and cared for him that night. I was the one who picked up the pieces of my mother's various addictions (alcohol included) from the age of 4, when I was big enough to try.

I am not that person now. I will not be. I don't drink, I don't use drugs. I won't be in situations with drunk people. I don't associate with my mother. I have a calm and stable life and will never, ever be the clear up idiot again. It's an awful role to have. I am so sorry that you have had to face that. I am sorry your dad did too (, and mine and all the others who do), but my resources of sympathy and empathy are finite, and so broadly reserved for the poor sods who have had to deal with the grime and the devastated life they had no say in.

My father died an alcoholic. His home was immaculate as he lived with my grandmother who enabled him (although I do not blame her - that's for another thread, not here).

Seeing him with bright yellow skin and eyes, and looking 9 months pregnant as his liver failed, haunts me to this day.

Thank you for posting. I have never written this down and block it from my memory whenever it surfaces.

I wish nothing but strength to those who struggle with alcohol and to their families.

Such awful sad stories. My Mum died age 49 of liver disease.
Sadly this could have described her as well.
"Seeing him with bright yellow skin and eyes, and looking 9 months pregnant as his liver failed, haunts me to this day."
My dad is currently a "functioning" alcoholic but I'm all too aware how quickly that can change.
My ex husband was an alcoholic and I think I may be too. I definitely was on the way. If I'd stayed with ex I would have been full blown but luckily for me my new (well not so new now!) DH barely drinks at all, so my nightly drinking dwindled to only every now and then if I went out without him. But I would binge to blackout levels and not remember how I got home. Then one day, strangely after a fairly quiet night out - think I had about 4 or 5 drinks, I just decided no more. I didn't want my kids to have a drunk for a mother. I am 92 days sober.
So sorry to everyone who has struggled with their loved ones alcoholism.

I am so grateful to the OP for this, somebody had linked it on another post and i found it exactly when I needed it. I stopped drinking July 23 and this type of reality helped me so much. My uncle died in this exact same situation and I still never considered that my life could go the same way. It was as if a switch was flicked in my mind and finally I could see the absolute insanity of how I was living. I am so grateful that it happened that way for me as I don’t know if I would have given up if it had felt like an every day battle as it is for so many people. I won’t drink again as it made me feel so low, alone, sneaky, desperate and so many other horrible things. It’s just so sad so many people will never get their life back because it really is amazing when you lift yourself out of it.

My god, thank you for these stories. I have a dear friend who is an alcoholic but in denial about it, mainly because he can stop for Dry January etc. I need to make him see how steep the slope will be when the time comes when he can’t control it at all.

@Cantabulous be very careful. You can't save your friend, only he can do that. Protect yourself, get support and don't get drawn into the drama and horror of an addict's life.

Thank you @pointythings, that is very kind and wise advice. I know I can’t save him 😢. I have stepped right back from him in fact, but we do still talk on the phone and I’ve shared with him some experiences of the deaths of my family members, two of which were in circumstances similar to the OP’s father, and one of which was peritoneal cancer. The detail about the filth and degradation in these posts though may hit home with him. I was lucky enough not to witness them first hand.

my heart goes out to all who are affected by this terrible addiction.

Thank you

Thank you for this thread OP.

I am on a slippery slope with alcohol, this has really made me stop and think.

Yesterday was supposed to be my Day 1 and last night was horrific, I drank so much and can't remember going to bed.

I intend giving up alcohol forever. I can't moderate I have now realised and I don't want to die. I'm going to look into AA as I feel I do need support.

So thank you to everyone on this thread, today is my day 1 , if I even think about drinking I will read this thread again because the reality has really hit home. X

That's really brave Jordyn, good luck to you. It won't be easy but it WILL be worth it. There are some helpful long-running threads on here for support. I can also recommend the books The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray. They are well-written without being judgemental, preachy or smug. The One for the Road podcasts by Sober Dave are also good.

I've also downloaded an app called I Am Sober (it's free) which tracks your sober journey and offers support - and it can tell you how much money you are saving.

Be prepared for the inner voice of temptation and a few days of feeling like sh-t as your body adjusts, but it will be OK. I wish you every success and happiness for the future. x