The reality of the end

[NameforMN]

My father died this week. He was an alcoholic for around 15 years, if not longer. During that time he lost his business , his house, his wife and friends. As his daughter, I'm next of kin so tasked with sorting out his life, as it was.

His rental flat is covered in urine, blood and shit. His mattress is drenched in urine. His bed sheets caked in blood from where he fell over in a drunk stupor. He has defecated on the sofa and carpet. He lay dead for 4 days before he was found. He spent the last 6 months in his flat , refusing visitors and ordering wine off Amazon.

We are left cleaning this up and sorting his estate out. Managing the horror and guilt.

This is what happens.
This is the reality of the end.

You may well ask where my sibling and I were . Why didn't we step in? Keep his flat clean? Look after him?

Quite simply, if he'd moved in with me, it would be my house he shat, pissed and bled all over. It wouldn't have stopped him. He'd just do it a different address.

He was impossible. Lies, lies, lies and more lies as alcohol consumed the man that he was, and left an empty shell.

This time last year he was what they call a :functioning alcoholic '. Believe me, there was no functioning at the end.

It happens quickly. Creeps up on you one drink at a time.

Any of you who have a drink problem are on the journey to this end. This is the only conclusion unless you stop..

@LawksaMercyMissus thank you. I have permission with some doctors eg GP and our local hospital but his most recent hospital visit was an A&E department far away and they couldn't access that record so weren't able to tell me anything. It's not a fully joined up system.

I am a long time member of Alanon and try to apply Alanon principles as far as I can. 🙏🏽

@TortoiseWhoLovesStrawberries in my opinion:

1. No
2. Somewhat
3. No fixed abode, staying with his sister at present.
4. I doubt it.
5. I don't feel I have much insight into his thought processes.

I do worry about the possibility of a catastrophic bleed, he has stomach varices. He is at risk of falling and has fallen several times recently leading to hospital visits.

It does seem like a bleak outlook.

If he doesn’t want to stop then we know what the outcome will be. And if he’s not eating, has varices and is effectively pouring acid into his stomach all the time, it’s a recipe for disaster. Unless he can get a detox and rehab there’s no chance, but if he doesn’t want to stop nobody is going to fund that.

You do need to prepare yourself for the worst, which you seem to be doing.

Has he made a will? I really hope so. My friend recently died from alcoholism (catastrophic bleed), there was no will and it has caused no end of problems… and expense.

Sounds like you've done everything you can @RainbowLife

Mine died two years ago after multiple falls and hospital admissions where they just patched him up and sent him home. Cirrhosis and malnutrition finally got him.

Worth getting financial and health LPAs if he'll agree.

Bumping this thread as I've noticed post Xmas people might need to see it.

Bumping as I’ve fallen off the wagon and thinking about getting back on.

My DH died through alcoholism. He was just an empty shell, completely devoid of the witty, intelligent person I married. His eyes reflected nothing except the constant quest for alcohol. He would have pushed me over a cliff without hesitation to save his (variously hidden) bottles. He used to urinate all over the toilet floor and in the bed, as well as sometimes soiling himself during the day. His conversation was mostly incomprehensible ramblings. It was like living with someone with dementia but with the added obsession about booze and where his next bottle was coming from. His whole body exuded a vile odour and most of the time he looked like an unwashed zombie. Then, one day, I came home to find him lying dead in the hallway with blood pouring from his mouth and ears. He was 47 years old.

@ginasevern I am so terribly sorry it ended that way for you, that must have been incredibly traumatic. I hope you had support in the aftermath.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really do appreciate it. Unfortunately no, I didn't have any support. It's just my adult son and me now with no extended family. Friends vanished over the years due to my husband's condition. Alcoholics are unpleasant people to be around, so I don't blame them. It's OK though. Life is what you make it.

I hope you and your son are making the most of your lives without an alcoholic in them - but if you do ever feel that the past is weighing on you, you should consider seeking help because in your circumstances you may well be dealing with complex bereavement. You have my absolute sympathy - my late husband died alone in his flat in very hot weather and was not found until three days later. He had to be identified by dental records, and when we collected the few things we absolutely had to have and couldn't just discard, the box just smelled... They don't consider thinking about the havoc they cause for the people in their lives.

Bumping this back up top again, in case it is helpful to anyone who needs it. x

I found the OP’s post and the subsequent traffic on this thread absolutely life-changing. As a result, for myself, I’ve finally broken the habit of daily drinking at home and now drink only socially ie rarely as my social life sucks!. I’ve also stepped away from my friend who is slipping down that slope. I said my piece many times, it’s up to him now.

Wishing love and strength to everyone dealing with this reality.

So pleased for you Cantabulous! Well done!
It's marvellous that some good can come out of these tragedies.

👏💪

To add my story of the end - my boyfriend died yesterday. We'd been together over two years - he'd been an alcoholic for over 30 and I didn't know. His 17 year old found him 5 days ago semi conscious, jaundiced and incoherent. He's been in ITU in an induced coma with liver failure, hepatic encephalopathy, on dialysis because his kidneys weren't working, on a ventilator. Yellow and swollen. Ended up having a massive heart attack and they couldn't resuscitate him.

His house was awful, he'd been doubly incontinent, he'd been getting vodka delivered on deliveroo every day. Just so incredibly sad to think of him living that way.

This is going to kill my Mum.
It’s destroying me.
I’m early 30s, I have a 7 year-old and I’m pregnant.
I’ve been looking after my Mum since I was 8.
She has deteriorated so much in the last year 1/2 years.
I see her once a week and I hate it. I feel like I’m visiting a stranger. I feel like my Mum died years ago and part of me died with her.
The lies. So many lies. I’ve tried screaming, pleading, begging, emotionally blackmailing her, I’ve tried cutting her off, I’ve tried involving the Police. I’ve almost sank into a pit of depression trying to save my Mum.

For those of you who have managed to “quit”, what worked? What terrified you into reality?

@BrianWankum I am so, so sorry. For you and for his poor 17 year old.

@xWren I've been in AA for many years. Before that I was a 24/7 drinker who had seizures and hallucinations if I stopped. My every waking moment was consumed with where the next drink was - although I had a shop front of a reasonable life. What made me stop was realisation of the consequences every single time I put any amount of alcohol into my body. The sheep insanity of doing the same thing time after time, somehow genuinely expecting different results. Alcoholism leads to: death, prison or insanity. There's no other end, and the death is an ugly one. For me, it was the realisation that I could either have alcohol - or I could have everything else, including the respect of people I professed to love yet trampled all over. Conversely, anything I put above my sobriety I stood to lose.

It didn't happen overnight and I had a couple of setbacks but it's a different life.

I appreciate that you have tried everything but Al Anon would say detach with love and that the three Cs tell you that you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. You're as helpless over her addiction as she is over it.

My heart goes out to you. You can’t save your mum, however much you love her and however hard you try. Only she can save herself. You need to step away from her so you can be the mum you need to be to your children. I’m so sorry

@BrianWankum I am so sorry to hear this, both for you and for your partner's DD. My oldest was 17 when her dad died from the consequences of alcohol abuse. Look after yourself and seek support if you feel that you are struggling - life with an addict often ends in complex bereavement.

@xWren I second the pp. You cannot help your mum. Seek support for yourself, step away, focus on yourself and your DD. Visiting every week isn't helping her or you, so stop. Tell her you will be there for her when she is ready to be sober.

I'm watching my BIL And it's
Very sad

Hi, hope I can join here. My brother (late 30s) is very poorly at the moment, been drinking for 20+ years and is currently experiencing his umpteenth bout of psychosis. My poor parents are caring for him, and I am terrified it is going to kill them both with stress. I couldn't care less about him, but I just want to support them as best I can. They are both late 60s, generally in good health (touch wood) but I am so frantic on the stress that it is wreaking on them both.

I found my Mum dead this morning.
I’m 22 weeks pregnant, I’m picking my 7 year-old up from school in a minute.
I’m broken.
She’s at peace now.
I’ll spend the rest of my life missing my Mum.

I am so sorry. That must be awful. How old was she?

@xWren I am so very sorry. Please surround yourself with people who love you and can support you. Grieve your loss any way you need to. Everything you feel is valid. Be prepared for anger; feel it without guilt. When the time is right, you will find the balance and be able to remember the things that were good as well as those that were not.

And seek professional help if you start feeling 'stuck' in your grief. You are at high risk of complex bereavement. You are in my thoughts. 💐

@xWren

What an awful experience for you.

Do you have anyone in your life you can lean on?

Please don't condemn yourself to a life of missing your mum. Allow anger in. Allow grief in. Allow healing in.

She has set you free now.

Allow yourself to leave her behind and to walk forward into a peaceful life without her addiction overshadowing you and your children.

Allow yourself to love the child on whom such a heavy burden was placed at such a young age, and allow yourself to be grateful that you no longer have to carry her.

Commit yourself to being present for your children in a way she wasn't and couldn't be present for you.

xxxx

I’m so so sorry @xWren. Your loss is huge and the shock enormous. Sending you much love

I'm so, so sorry xWren. Even knowing it was going to happen it's still a terrible thing, and being the one to find her is a trauma on top.

Vent away on here if you like, you're among Friends.