Night out ended badly :(

[Bingedrinker]

Hello, it’s my first time on this side of MN so have name changed. Please be kind.

To cut a long story short I had a very heavy night out of Wednesday to the extent that I walked home from the train station having badly soiled myself. I got home went straight into the shower but didn’t manage to sneak past my husband without him seeing the absolute disgusting state that I was in. Given the state I was in, I can’t remember a lot but enough to feel so much shame.

To say that I’m horrified is an understatement, whilst I’ve been drunk before, never in my life have I let it get this far. My husband is barely talking to me and has been off with me ever since. He thinks I can’t remember the state I was in, and I’m going along with it to hide my shame. I largely want to burst into tears all the time. I don’t know how I ended up THAT drunk, but all I know is a NEVER EVER want to get this way again. I can’t explain/justify my behaviour but I’m a very social introvert, and sometimes I turn to excessive drinking to power me through socially. I never drink so much around friends or family, because I don’t need the social crutch so much.

I’m (on paper) - young, smart, successful - but turn into someone I just don’t recognise on these random occasions (always work nights out?).

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that the shame will eventually subside, my husband will love me again, and there will be a day that I don’t think about this terrible night because right now it’s the only thing I can think about. Does moderation ever work for people like me?

Do you get this drunk regularly, I mean has anything like this ever happened before? Did you really drink that much? Do you think your drinks might have been spiked?

I have hand on heart never been that drunk in my life - but I have had instances of binge drinking every couple of months or getting a bit too drunk when there is free booze around. When this has happened in the past I’ve never even been sick let alone anything more.
In this case as much as I would love to excuse it by thinking I’d been spiked, I think I only have myself to blame. Free cocktails at work which were super strong, toxic colleagues constantly topping up my drinks and buying me more and more which ended up in the situation that it did.

I just don’t know what to do. My sister wants to go for a casual drink tomorrow and I have a wedding next week and I just am too embarrassed to admit that I have a problem with alcohol. How can I even go for a single glass of wine given what happened on Wednesday. I don’t know how to pretend to be normal anymore :(

Not been in this exact situation but have had many many nights that have ended in injury/humiliation/shame, so I know how you feel and I know it's terrible. I had six months off booze in 2020 to try to get a handle on it and did a lot of reading. I have definitely had fewer incidents since then but unfortunately it does still happen, most recently in June after a work night out when I was too drunk to get myself home and had to be p

Sorry butter fingers! Anyway your drinking issue sounds a lot like mine - I can go weeks and weeks and weeks without a drink and I don't drink at home at all really. I can have fun nights out and go home like everyone else. And then occasionally I just go absolutely mad and get smashed to the point of oblivion, say and do awful things and make a show of myself.

Be kind to yourself but also maybe take this as a wake up call. I know I need to stop drinking altogether to prevent this ever happening again but I don't feel able to. So instead I have a list of rules to minimise the risk, mine are: never drinking on an empty stomach, never drinking wine, never drinking before 5pm.

Good luck. I can recommend the book Blackout by Sarah Hepola and the Catherine Gray sobriety books.

Who are your colleagues? Male / female? Older? I don't think you should go out with them again.

I’m not sure it’s ok to feed into it’s the colleagues fault.

op, I think you need to accept it and come to terms with it, own it. It will hopefully help you never to get into this state again.

I'm not. Im thinking in terms of safety depending on who they are. I've been there.

I also don't think it's the colleagues. I have spent years blaming the situation, the timing, the people but it's not that, it's me. If I feel socially awkward, which I do in many circumstances, I simply drink too much, too fast.

I actually think - given that this has never happened before and you only get drunk once every few months- that your dh is being really mean. If my dh pooped himself and was so drunk he was unwell I’d be concerned more than anything, not angry as it would be out of character and I’d assume he was unwell as well as drunk.

I am an ex alcoholic. 12 years sober now. I have done some truly awful things but honestly you have to just let go, put it behind you and not drink again. I knew I couldn’t cut down, I just had to stop. It meant I had to change my social life etc. You can do it if you want to.

OP it sounds like you have an off button issue with alcohol.

I like you am a social introvert and used alcohol from the age of 13 to overcome that. Sadly it led to alcoholism in my case, and I'm now nearly 3 years sober.

It sounds like you start enjoying yourself and it all gets away from you and then boom, you're fucked. That being the case, the only way forward really is to not consume alcohol on those occassions if you cannot limit yourself. And you clearly can't.

I would suggest a serious dicussion with your DH to show you've spent time considering your actions and what you intend to do going forward.

I also think you need to have an honest conversation with your husband. He saw the state, you know the state, he knows you know. I think you need to Talk to him, personally I’d be apologising, no one wants to see someone they love like that, and shouldn’t have to, he will also be wondering who else saw and knows and what happened on the work night out if you were so drunk.

id also lay off the whole “toxic “ colleagues thing. You’re an adult and have personal responsibility. The only way through this is to take that responsibility now and deal with it, not try to hide from it.

I actually think - given that this has never happened before and you only get drunk once every few months- that your dh is being really mean. If my dh pooped himself and was so drunk he was unwell I’d be concerned more than anything, not angry as it would be out of character and I’d assume he was unwell as well as drunk.

why are you trying to downplay this, it doesn’t help her, she wasn’t unwell. Her husband isn’t being mean, no one should have to see their partner get themselves into this state.

The shame will subside, because you’ll block it out (I have). It takes alcohol 3-4 days to leave your body, and 10-14 days for the chemical balance to be restored, so you will still be suffering the depressant after-effects and jittery because of the cortisol.

So first of all, be kind to yourself. Drink lots of water, and eat well.

you don’t have to admit anything to anyone. If you don’t want to drink, you could tell people you’re doing Sober September, or on antibiotics, or just say you had a heavy night on Wednesday without being specific.

The wedding will be harder, because you’ll be surrounded by drink, and maybe feeling nervous? My advice would be to not drink at all, because it’s much easier to make one decision (“I’m not drinking”) than to make a thousand decisions - when can I start drinking, how long between glasses, when should I stop, oops.

Longer term you might want to look at some of the “quit lit” - The Sober Girl Society Handbook or The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober might be helpful.

You might also want to try to work on your self-confidence. A lot of my drinking when I was younger was because I was nervous in social situations, but when you don’t drink you don’t get that awful anxiety the next day of what you did and said, so overall it’s more relaxing.

good luck

Give Alcoholics Anonymous a call. You have absolutely nothing to lose. You don’t have to speak or define yourself as an alcoholic to go to a meeting, you can just go and listen and see if you identify. I can also guarantee that at an AA meeting you will be with people who can share equally embarrassing stories and will understand.

I didn’t say she was unwell. I said if it was my dh, given that this hasn’t happened before, my first reaction wouldn’t be anger, it would be concern - wondering IF he was unwell.

@Afterfire I have no idea what you’re on about but she never said his first reaction was anger. She’s not even said he’s angry now.

For goodness sakes…

She has said - clearly in the first post- her dh is barely speaking to her and has “been off with (her) since” - what is that if that isn’t anger?? It isn’t concern or love that’s for sure.

I am not suggesting for one second op was right to get into that state and I’m not minimising but having a dh that leaps to anger and shame in a situation that’s never happened before isn’t going to help anyone here.

Thank you for the kind and honest messages. I can’t talk to anyone about this and it’s a relief to be honest.

To be clear I don’t blame anyone but myself. The reason I brought up work colleagues is because this binging always has a common theme with common people and in a way I’m trying to console myself in knowing that if I remove myself from these triggers I can be ‘normal’ in general social situations.

My DH is the love of my life and a god send. He’s forgiven me and is worried about me, and I think just needs time to process. I know he loves me but I’m distraught that I’ve hurt him like this and am terrified that one day I’ll do something else terrible and that will be the last straw.

@Hoolihan @Onewildandpreciouslife Thank you for the book recommendations and kindness. I resonate a lot with your comments. I’ve been through periods of not /low drinking and it’s been amazing. I was even at a friends birthday last week and was so proud of myself of having a single beer and realising that I was done for the night and didn’t fancy anything more. Similarly I was on holiday with a friend for 2 weeks and had about 3 cocktails the entire time. I really thought that I’d cracked moderation and I’m gutted that I’ve undone good habits so quickly :(
I think confidence/anxiety play a big role in this binge drinking. I project as being a super confident but really it’s a totally sham and just leads me to destruction.

Sorry to clarify my DH isn’t angry but upset / horrified that I put myself in a situation that’s dangerous and is probably disgusted in me along with it. He’s barely talking to be because frankly he needs time to process and I think that’s fair given what I put him through. I’m in the dog house and I deserve it to be honest.

Oh OP, I feel for you. I have historically been a binge drinker and have ended up in some embarrassing situations as a result. I am very familiar with the awful shame and self-loathing that follows.

I was able, eventually, to find and use my off switch. I stopped drinking completely for about 3 months and then gradually reintroduced it. Since then (around 12 years ago), I have been able to drink moderately, and with particular rules in place. I never drink wine or spirits, only beer or cider. This has been hugely helpful because there’s only so much beer or cider I can drink. It’s difficult for me to binge and get drunk on it. I also only fancy beer and cider when it is warm and sunny- a couple of pints in a pub garden sort of thing. As a result, most of my drinking takes place between May and September so I don’t drink in winter, except for sometimes a few on Christmas Day (but I have also had sober Christmasses). I never drink alone and I never drink at home, unless we have company, which is quite rare.

I don’t know if this will be useful for you because it sounds like your excessive drinking is mostly at social events. I did avoid social events for a while when I didn’t feel I could trust myself not to go nuts. I also believe that for some people, complete abstinence is the only solution.

I hope you find a way to get to a healthier relationship with alcohol. Good luck, I’m rooting for you. 💐

@waterlego thank you. Your message really made me well up 🥲. It’s nice to not feel so alone. It’s also nice to hear that moderation IS possible. I like the beer rule, and will be giving that a go once I feel I can face drinking again. The good thing is, I really don’t like beer that much so can never drink to excess. In fact the last work social I stuck to beer I was totally fine and it was without any incident.
It gives me hope - because whilst I know for some total abstinence is the only way forward right now I’d like to envision a world in which I am able to moderate.
Now it’s September I’m dreading Christmas party season - to the extent I think for now - I have to completely remove myself from
these situations and not go. I always have the fear of missing out - but literally nothing good comes out of them!

I have genuinely never known anyone to be so drunk they shit themself and I’ve known and been extremely drunk. That’s really not normal. I’m not being judgemental btw - I’m wondering if you are all right?

I don’t really know how to respond. I’m obviously not okay and am
fully aware it’s not normal. I don’t know what happened :(

Op if it helps I also do the beer thing. So if I am socialising and not eating ie not out for a meal. I will avoid wine, cocktails and spirits. I will have a bottle of beer or if I know not out for long maybe a wine spritzer but only one. Otherwise I can get drunk as once you’ve had a few your inhibitions are down. You need to have the firm mindset you won’t do it. So sticking to bottles of beer has helped me through many a long social event with lots of alcohol.

also to be honest it’s embarrassing being the drunk one, so I think it’s about what you drink to be honest.

I’m worried there might be a physical issue as well - please don’t think I’m having a go at all.

Ive been disgracefully drunk, live in west coast Scotland, seen many many people drunk to horrible extents so that doesn’t phase me as much as perhaps it should. I think it might help for you talk to someone about it, do you have a local alcohol support place for example. I’m sure they could advise.

You will be ok. At the end of the day you’ve hurt no one except yourself here, I’m not making excuses for you either but you’ve not been violent/ unfaithful etc

Also I think you shouldn’t drink with those colleagues again.