Night out ended badly :(

[Bingedrinker]

Hello, it’s my first time on this side of MN so have name changed. Please be kind.

To cut a long story short I had a very heavy night out of Wednesday to the extent that I walked home from the train station having badly soiled myself. I got home went straight into the shower but didn’t manage to sneak past my husband without him seeing the absolute disgusting state that I was in. Given the state I was in, I can’t remember a lot but enough to feel so much shame.

To say that I’m horrified is an understatement, whilst I’ve been drunk before, never in my life have I let it get this far. My husband is barely talking to me and has been off with me ever since. He thinks I can’t remember the state I was in, and I’m going along with it to hide my shame. I largely want to burst into tears all the time. I don’t know how I ended up THAT drunk, but all I know is a NEVER EVER want to get this way again. I can’t explain/justify my behaviour but I’m a very social introvert, and sometimes I turn to excessive drinking to power me through socially. I never drink so much around friends or family, because I don’t need the social crutch so much.

I’m (on paper) - young, smart, successful - but turn into someone I just don’t recognise on these random occasions (always work nights out?).

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that the shame will eventually subside, my husband will love me again, and there will be a day that I don’t think about this terrible night because right now it’s the only thing I can think about. Does moderation ever work for people like me?

I have a similar relationship with alcohol and I've basically stopped drinking altogether because I just can't enjoy it in a healthy way. Honestly, my social life isn't what it used to be because it revolved heavily around alcohol and being sober around drunk people isn't great fun. I do 'normal' stuff with friends instead now and I really, really don't miss the severe anxiety I used to get.

You don’t hear of ‘heroinaholics’ do you? Or ‘cigaholics’?

Sorry, I don't follow. I've read this 5 times and I don't understand what you mean. There's no alcahol in cigarettes or heroin, so no, those aren't the terms used for people addicted to heroin or cigarettes.

I feel like I've missed something that's gone completely over my head here.

@IrmaGord Spot on. I have had this too from well-meaning drinkers in my life... No. At the point where one is blackout drunk on a regular basis, genuinely, what is the point of trying again and again to not get to that point.

I hear you OP. After many cripplingly humiliating alcohol-fuelled incidents, living with the guilt and shame but STILL drinking, I started my sober journey by listening to Catherine Gray's book on Audible. Thought I'd give sobriety a 2 week trial, re-set myself, work out the triggers and the tipping points and start again. I haven't had a drink in nearly 3 years now and never will again.

Honestly... Game changer.

I don’t want to put words in someone else’s mouth but for me the dislike of the term “alcoholic” is (a) it treats alcohol addiction as somehow different to any other drug addiction, when it’s really not. Drugs are grids and addiction is addiction. And (b) that when we conjure up the stereotypical image of the alcoholic as someone who’s life has gone down the pan, swigging meths on a park bench out of a brown paper bag it can be easy to kid ourselves that because we aren’t doing that we do not have a problem with alcohol addiction

*drugs are drugs

No doctor tells anyone they are “an alcoholic”. If you are into that term to describe alcohol use disorder (I’m not) AA say that only an individual can decide whether they are “an alcoholic”.

The OP is drinking problematically. She seems, from what she has posted, to have no off switch. People who have alcohol use disorder rarely manage to control their use of the drug. It invariably gets worse, not better.

As PP said if this was not alcohol but another drug eg coke would people be saying “oh it’s fiiiiine just try and have a few less lines next time”. I think not

Please try not to beat yourself up too much! Im
a bit like you in that I can go weeks or months without drinking and sometimes drink to a good level and have fun and go home but occasionally take it too far and feel absolutely ashamed and horrendous after all. To give two examples, I’ve wet myself outside a train station (luckily no one around) and the last time, I threw up in front a restuarant window in a busy city Centre. I was absolutely mortified and hated myself for a long time after. Day to day I am a sensible fairly quiet person, also married but my husband luckily just took the piss and wasn’t really off with me as much. I hope this feeling passes for you soon xx

Ah, okay, I think I understand where you and PP are coming from. Not sure what I think about it myself, but I get your perspective. Thanks for talking the time to respond and explain an interesting point of view

It seems to me your thinking has moved on since your earlier posts OP - (some people are still replying to the earlier ones I think!)

I did just want to add that you say you were finding it hard to admit to yourself that you had a problematic relationship with alcohol and I wanted to point out: our whole society had a problematic relationship with alcohol, its just that some people feel it in their own lives more acutely than others.

Although I am very, very seldom drunk now (last occasion was probably 10+ years ago) I have been aware most of my life I have a faulty stop button and it has certainly been a n issue for me at times. I would definitely say I have a problematic relationship with alcohol and to be honest most of the people I know who drink (in my 'nice middle class' family and circle of friends) have some issues with 'needing' a drink (when obviously, no-one needs a neurotoxin, ever!!), drinking habitually, being unable to socialise/eat out/go to bed without a drink, worrying about the associated weight gain but not stopping, etc etc etc.

That last issue, combined with a lurking shame that I didn't seem to be able to get through an evening without a glass of wine more than once or twice a week, were the ones that encouraged me to cut right back recent ly, and it really makes you aware of the way so many people drink without questioning themselves. I don't think that's heathy at all!

Sorry typo - our whole society has a problematic relationship with alcohol, is what I meant to type.

It is not that difficult to get through social occasions without drinking. I've done it for many years because like you, OP, I find moderation challenging.

It will pass OP. You sound like me. I'm an introvert but sociable and have always used alcohol to give me confidence in social situations. I used to binge drink frequently and got in to some awful states. My husband is foreign and hardly drinks. He actually finds the British binge drinking culture quite disgusting (and so do I if I'm honest). I remember one night coming in absolutely wasted and vomiting all over our bed. Like you I felt very deep shame and humiliation and my husband was horrified. It took him a long time to get over it but honestly, he's over it now! It was about 15 years ago and I really don't think he even remembers it now. I think the key thing is to learn from this. I never have more than 3 drinks now (usually only one or two). I love waking up with a clear head and not feeling anxious about what I did the night before. I think people like you and me just have to accept we can't handle our drink and we have to be very strict with ourselves.

I'm also socially introverted and used to drink too much to give myself confidence. The worst thing was the anxiety and embarrassment the next day about what I had potentially done. I didn't really plan to but have not drink alcohol for about a year now, I didn't have it for a couple of occasions and realised I felt so much better the next day, mentally and physically, and so decided to continue. I just tell people I'm not drinking for healthy lifestyle reasons if they ask.

@LovinglifeAF

That’s exactly what I meant, thank you. Sorry I confused you, @ThermoSpooklear .

Thank you all for the hope that ‘this too shall pass’. I think the discussion of whether I should be classed as an alcoholic isn’t important to me. I have a problem with binge drinking. I know that and I’m ready to take charge of that, even if it means withdrawing from social situations, which honestly I’d find a relief.

The big take away I have from your replies is really that there is no one size fits all approach and that’s encouraging to me. There are PPs that have cut out alcohol entirely and those of you that have managed strict moderation - I’m just not sure where I lie on this spectrum yet. I agree that our entire society has a drinking problem and it’s crazy that I’m scared of so many situations coming up in my life because I’m one way or another they all revolve around alcohol. Weddings, holidays, reunions, birthdays, Christmas, NYE. The thought of all of these occasions is overwhelming to think about right now, so I’m just going to focus on having a booze free wedding.

I’m still feeling peaky and flushed and generally not quite right in the days since. Any recovery tips? I’m drinking as much water as possible, eating well, exercising but still don’t feel myself. I’m usually so good with my health that I’m feeling incredibly anxious that I’ve done permanent damage.

Maybe you’ve got a bug? That might explain your ‘accident’, if it’s not happened before?

Hi OP, you won't have done permanent damage. The way you're feeling is partly physical - it's very individual but it can take much longer than we expect for the last vestiges of excess alcohol to leave our system, despite all the scientific advice that one unit takes this many minutes or hours. You've given yourself a real knock - think of it as a bruise, but the effects are more mental and emotional than physical. Of course you'll be going over it. We call this the "four horsemen" in AA (I am not suggesting you're an alcoholic by the way): terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair.

Try to be kind to yourself. Ok, it wasn't great but you haven't harmed anyone else. Water is great, eating well and exercising, keeping up with friends over coffee, maintaining all your normal relationships - don't isolate yourself. You'll get over this and you can decide how you want to move forward.

I found this blog amazingly helpful and particularly the quiz she copies in this post. I think it helps to stop think of the answer as binary yes or no

mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/2015/05/am-i-alcoholic-part-3.html?m=1

You will find your path. In terms of the big occasions - by the time I stopped I had no choice if I wanted to halt my decline but the thought of them all without alcohol kept me drinking for years. I’ve done them all now (except a wedding because I haven’t been to any since I stopped) sober and I have enjoyed them so much more than when I drank. It’s a daunting thought because of the huge part alcohol takes in our society.

I am sure you have not caused any long term damage x

Op, I could've written your post almost word for word. I had 2 terrible incidences (many minor ones), one out drinking with a new friend. Bottomless white wine with lunch. Absolutely shit faced. Nearly ruined my marriage, no2 quite a similar scenario, 3 new friends whom I've never met before. Once again white wine. Banged my head in a taxi getting into it. 2 weeks with the most swollen and black eyes I've ever seen. This was the last straw for everyone. I now realise I'm a very anxious person meeting new people. I drink to calm my nerves. I've obviously got very low self esteem and lacking in confidence. I NEVER drink wine outside of the house now. I won't touch cocktails. I can happily drink 3 or 4 glasses of wine at home with my husband and we often go out drinking together and have a good time but I only have beer. A few weeks back, I met his new work colleagues. It was a night in the pub. I had beer. That's all. I didn't make a fool of myself. I was perfectly fine and woke up the next day without that terrible feeling of dread and fear, no back outs either. Looking back over my past mistakes it's always been with new people, and wine is present 99% of the time. I know where I am with beer. And like a previous poster said, it's quite hard to have so much that your absolutely pissed, and it's usually 4% so you don't go from one pint to the next and are steaming drunk, unlike wine. I can go from one wine to the next and not recall anything after. 😔

And just to say, please don't beat yourself up too much. You didn't intend for it to happen. We all make mistakes. Just to make you feel better my husband once did the same as you, he wasn't drunk drunk but he was drinking organic beer. It was too rich for his stomach and he didn't make it home in time. Oh and I've done it myself, not whilst boozing, but because I have a stomach issue. At least you didn't have 2 black eyes for 2 weeks so every time you looked in the mirror you could quite clearly see the shame and embarrassment on your face. I'll never forget it. I'll never drink like that again. I hated myself so much for so long.

I’m still feeling peaky and flushed and generally not quite right in the days since.

It's possible this is not connected to the alcohol but you have an infection or illness which exacerbated the effects of the alcohol and your post binge symptoms.

Are you on Instagram @Bingedrinker ? Sobergirlsociety just did a post asking for tips on sober weddings - might be worth a look

@MistyRock thank you for your reply, I resonate word for word with your message. It’s ALWAY wine and ALWAYS with new people at events and anxiety that drives me over the edge.

You’ve also given me a lot of hope that moderation is possible at some point in the future. My DH loves pubs/beer and it’s an environment we spend a lot of time in - just reading/playing games. I would normally have beer or a single glass of wine and never get drunk when we’re together or with close friends. Plus pubs are brilliant these days because most have non-alcoholic beer and I’m not skilled enough to know the difference. I also do like wine with food on occasion but I drink tiny amounts at home - roughly 100mL glass with a meal and usually have to throw half the bottle away / use it for cooking because I won’t finish it. Did you try sobriety first before testing your moderation or did you know that you would be able to moderate with the rules you’ve mentioned?

I absolutely don’t excuse my behaviour and I don’t want this to come across as a drip feed but I have had IBS in the past and had a similar ‘accident’ in the daytime whist completely sober. After a decade of healthy gut - I did have a mini flair up (or maybe just tummy bug) the week before the incident - so I suspect this may have contributed to the outcome/ lack of control. In all honesty I know this would have never happened sober which is why I don’t think it’s that relevant.

@Onewildandpreciouslife thanks for the tip - I’ve just had a look and that’s a brilliant resource! Such good tips for weddings, I can’t leave early because we have a late taxi booked, but I like the tip of bringing your own non alcoholic substitute. That’s the problem with events is that it’s usually lacking. Also keeping/holding a full glass so people don’t try to top up is a good one.
Thank god it’s September because I will definitely be advertising a sober September at the wedding if anyone asks, although inevitably that’s when the pregnancy rumours start 😖. It annoys me to no end that everyone assumes a woman of a certain age not drinking must be pregnant, but I’m happy for people to think whatever they want.