Night out ended badly :(

[Bingedrinker]

Hello, it’s my first time on this side of MN so have name changed. Please be kind.

To cut a long story short I had a very heavy night out of Wednesday to the extent that I walked home from the train station having badly soiled myself. I got home went straight into the shower but didn’t manage to sneak past my husband without him seeing the absolute disgusting state that I was in. Given the state I was in, I can’t remember a lot but enough to feel so much shame.

To say that I’m horrified is an understatement, whilst I’ve been drunk before, never in my life have I let it get this far. My husband is barely talking to me and has been off with me ever since. He thinks I can’t remember the state I was in, and I’m going along with it to hide my shame. I largely want to burst into tears all the time. I don’t know how I ended up THAT drunk, but all I know is a NEVER EVER want to get this way again. I can’t explain/justify my behaviour but I’m a very social introvert, and sometimes I turn to excessive drinking to power me through socially. I never drink so much around friends or family, because I don’t need the social crutch so much.

I’m (on paper) - young, smart, successful - but turn into someone I just don’t recognise on these random occasions (always work nights out?).

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that the shame will eventually subside, my husband will love me again, and there will be a day that I don’t think about this terrible night because right now it’s the only thing I can think about. Does moderation ever work for people like me?

unfortunately I’ve seen it done. I don’t even know how to say it politely but they’ve basically misjudged.farted and followed through badly.

Male relative. Had to bin his boxers. I also have a female friend who has done it a few times. Shitting yourself when drunk is sadly not that uncommon.

I hasten to add I’ve never done it nor has my husband. But yeah it happens.

Was your drink spiked.
A few years ago I went out with a newish friend on a Friday night.
I remember having food (steak, salad and chips) plus one bottle of wine.
Was home for 11.30 as I didn't want a late night. Only lived around the corner from the pub.
Can't remember a lot at home but at one stage DH put me in the bath to
Keep me safe failing all over the room trying to hit him and yes soiled myself.
DH was so worried about me he took me to a&e I'd been spiked.
Police were called and it seems that this friend was into drugs.

Oh crikey 😳 I genuinely thought I’d seen it all.

Hi OP, like other PPs I'm a recovering alcoholic of many years. The situation you describe is extremely common for those who drink excessively. I've heard this and much, much worse shared in meetings by literally hundreds of people. Please do not think that you are abnormal in any way! What is great is the fact that it has shaken you to the extent that you really want to do something about it. If sticking to beer works for you, great too. I don't think we're all the same although to be fair, I have never drunk beer in my life (although many years ago and in desperation, I have drunk mouthwash for the alcohol content - I wouldn't recommend that, ever).

Don't feel so awful about yourself. As I said, if this is the catalyst that makes you realise that drinking is a serious issue for you, you've realised it much quicker than a huge number of people I know. It's really sensible of you to be thinking ahead and planning. I know without a doubt that I cannot have one drink (as we say, one is too many and a thousand not enough) - and I agree with the poster who said that at the wedding at least, no drinking just seems a safer option and takes away the angst of any decisions during the day/evening.

I agree. I can understand being a bit annoyed at the time, but carrying it on afterwards seems unnecessary. I do think you need to talk about it I'm afraid.

Thank you @HuntingoftheSnark reading your words feels like a big hug right now. I’m dreading the wedding but also want to use it as an example to myself and DH that I can control myself and be alcohol free anytime I want to. I’m excited to prove to myself that I can do it.
I don’t know what the future holds but I know alcohol has never made an experience better - only worse. I know I have self control and even stayed sober at my BIL/SILs wedding because I was looking after family so I know I can do it and the monster the other night doesn’t have to define me.
I just wish I was alone in carrying this shame and that my husband didn’t know this side of me - I’m struggling to live with him seeing me in a different light.

O- I don’t think you’re an alcoholic; I think you’re not able to control yourself when socialising where you’re nervous and given strong drinks. That’s a learning curve many many of us go through, knowing our limits.

don’t beat yourself up but do learn a strategy for when you’re at certain social functions. If you need to stick to beer, as you’ve done in the past without incident then do so. You need to be disciplined

ive seen much older people party too hard and do the same thing. They aren’t alkies either. Very few people haven’t got inadvisably drunk at some point/

speak to your husband. Reassure him it won’t happen again, explain you will stick to beer etc and put it behind you. It happened. It’s embarrassing. Hopefully one day you can laugh about it.it only becomes a concern if you get like this regularly.

go easy on yourself. From what you’ve written you are not an alcoholic, the mouthwash is safe, and many folks have done similar.

I do think you are an alcoholic or at least not yet.

I think you probably have a massive self confidence issue and possibly imposter syndrome in terms of your job, especially if this is something that is pretty much confined to work nights out.

I don't think you can fix the drinking properly unless you fix whatever is causing you to have such social anxiety at a work event that you are making by excessive drinking.

A few quick fixes might work re the drinking:-

1. Do not go to work social events
2. If you have to, drive so you can't drink(once you know you won't drink & drive)
3. Set a time limit & leave early

Whatever is causing you to behave this way, it's the bigger issue - would you consider counselling?

Your husband is probably worried about you more so than anything else. I would be the same if it were my partner.

If my DH drank so much that he shat himself I’d be worried too, but also disgusted and ashamed.

He likes a drink, but this is on a whole different level to drinking eight pints and buying a kebab.

Not normal but (ahem) not uncommon. Just don't ask me how I know

Oh no OP x

hopefully you can learn from this wake-up call. Alcohol is addictive. There’s no shame in being unable to control it. Lots of people are the same.

Sorry posted too soon. If you can’t control it stopping altogether may be the better option

Why don't you try laying low for a while and don't go to anything where drinking is available.
Try to stop drinking for a while and you'll start to feel better.
Then you can slowly introduce alcohol but drink something you don't like. Then you'll see there is no point. You'll also see other pissed people and realise you don't want to look like that.
Your DH has a point, if he shit himself from being too drunk, I'd go off him for a bit to be honest.
Be kind to yourself, you messed up but you can change.

Most of your posts suggest that giving up alcohol would improve your life dramatically - is there a reason you are so keen to find 'moderation' rather than just stop drinking?

Dysmal "Most of your posts suggest that giving up alcohol would improve your life dramatically - is there a reason you are so keen to find 'moderation' rather than just stop drinking?"

I'm wondering this too. Seems like the best guarantee that nothing like this can happen again. I also think it's quite common to hear "I don't drink any more because it causes so many issues".

There is nothing you can do about what happened on Wednesday. It happened, it was awful, but the world kept turning. What you absolutely can do something about is what happens next. It’s my personal belief that you don’t necessarily need to be an alcoholic to have a difficult relationship with alcohol, and if you have to stop and wonder whether you do have a difficult relationship to alcohol, you probably do.

Just a few practical tips for the wedding; if there are wine or fizz glasses etc on the table, turn them upside down to show the staff or other guests you don’t want to be served. Most venues will have a good selection of posh bottled soft drinks and non-alc spirits like Seedlip. Have a few soft drink orders up your sleeve and don’t get into buying rounds. As for the social anxiety - drunk people won’t realise you’re anxious when they’ve had a few drinks. (They’re actually quite irritating when you’re sober.) If you can push through that first awkward bit, you’ll be fine.

Speaking from experience, this is not insurmountable if you start taking care of the issue now. Your DH will need to see commitment that you will change your relationship with booze, however that may be, to never allow this to happen again. But self-flagellation is never going to serve anyone - be kind to yourself whilst taking accountability.

Some more wedding tips: if it’s a big-ish wedding with a few bits to do rather than just dancing (photo booth, wishing tree, guest book, games, a magician, can you tell I haven’t been to a wedding for ages), get stuck into whatever it is for a break from the chatting and drinking cycle.

If there are young-ish kids there who you know and whose parents you know well, they’d probably love a cool auntie who joins in on the Hokey Cokey and silly games - gives you a break from the drinking and chatting adults.

I gave up drinking a few years ago, and have been surprised to find that even at parties and weddings, I actually don’t miss it at all. Once you’ve gone a month or two without, it’s much easier than you’d expect to just not drink anymore.

Don't be ashamed OP. You didn't deliberately get into this situation. The misery and anxiety you are feeling will fade as the alcohol leaves your system and time passes - be kind to yourself in the meantime.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and have done things I am still years later ashamed to admit even to myself while drunk, so absolutely no judgement here! But I can assure you that alcohol has the potential to take away everything in your life that is worth having if you let it. I would therefore strongly urge you to stop drinking altogether, incredibly difficult as it sounds.

Mostly it really won't be as bad as you think. Sobriety actually improves a lot of social situations, contrary to my expectations.

(However I won't lie and say it's always easy. For me, it's intense stress that is the trigger. I have fallen off the wagon a few times and even now can't swear I never will again - I can't predict the future - all I know is that I intend to keep trying with all my might..... )

There is lots of help out there if you need it. It's great that you have a supportive husband - that will really help. You made an important and brave first step posting on here!

Cancel the drinks with your sister, and indeed make excuses for the wedding if you truly can't face it without a drink. Your sobriety is more important.

And seriously, anybody who has a problem with you NOT drinking or makes an issue of it is an utter cunt and you shouldn't give a fuck what they think....

This WILL be ok OP. You can do this! You have every reason in the world to try.....

Please read The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober - Catherine Gray. She was a going woman who got herself into a right state, she's lucky to be alive. I think the book starts with her being arrested and put in a cell for the night! Audible is another good option if you're not a book reader.

I drank far too much for years, had many very heavy work nights out. It took a couple of attempts but I'm alcohol free now and have been for 18 months. I feel so much better mentally and physically for it.

Moderation long term is a personal thing, but likely very hard/impossible if you don't have an off switch with alcohol. Don't worry about that for now, start with a plan to do 30 then 90 days off booze.

Sober Dave and William Porter are great guys to look up too. See if William still does his free Facebook Q&A on a Friday too.

If work events trigger the need to drink just don't go to them.

You don't need to explain. If you are not being paid to attend you can't be compelled to go.

I just listened to this on audible, I think this would be a good read for you right now too. X

I stopped drinking 8 months ago after over a decade of this cycle. Humiliation - I’m never drinking again - it passes - thinking I can control alcohol - go out drinking - humiliation.

I read a book called “this naked mind” which has changed my life. I’m not exaggerating. I haven’t fancied drinking at all since I stopped.

alcohol is a poison - literally - and life can be better without it. I recommend reading it.

Op I think you've been brave to post and looks like you will take actions.

As my name suggests I too like a drink but ive consciously been cutting back as I know I've been drinking too much wine. I've been drinking fizzy pop with ice and frozen fruit and I find I don't really miss it!

I'm trying to think of booze in the way I do crisps or chocolate bars...id never have a full packet of biscuits in one go so why would I have a full bottle of wine?!

Def seek support though and if you feel you want/need to just stop completely then do so.

Sending

Thanks again for the kind hearted replies. It’s been a weird few days. I’m struggling to sleep at night because my mind can’t stop thinking about that night. I’ve cancelled my weekend plans and the day started well with a gym class which felt like a nice physical reset/fresh start. Since then I’ve been sleeping all day, probably because I’m tired of not sleeping at night but also just trying to block out thinking about it. Last night I treated myself to cooking a nice meal and then stupidly bought my favourite dessert - tiramisu for pudding. Safe to say I can’t even bring myself to eat a boozy pud right now.

I think the reason I’m clinging on to moderation as a concept is because I’m holding on to the idea that I’m ‘normal’ and this was a horrific one off. I think there’s an aspect of denial going on right now. Even the books you’ve all kindly recommended so far I can’t yet bring myself to buy/read because it means admitting that I have a problematic relationship with alcohol.