Night out ended badly :(

[Bingedrinker]

Hello, it’s my first time on this side of MN so have name changed. Please be kind.

To cut a long story short I had a very heavy night out of Wednesday to the extent that I walked home from the train station having badly soiled myself. I got home went straight into the shower but didn’t manage to sneak past my husband without him seeing the absolute disgusting state that I was in. Given the state I was in, I can’t remember a lot but enough to feel so much shame.

To say that I’m horrified is an understatement, whilst I’ve been drunk before, never in my life have I let it get this far. My husband is barely talking to me and has been off with me ever since. He thinks I can’t remember the state I was in, and I’m going along with it to hide my shame. I largely want to burst into tears all the time. I don’t know how I ended up THAT drunk, but all I know is a NEVER EVER want to get this way again. I can’t explain/justify my behaviour but I’m a very social introvert, and sometimes I turn to excessive drinking to power me through socially. I never drink so much around friends or family, because I don’t need the social crutch so much.

I’m (on paper) - young, smart, successful - but turn into someone I just don’t recognise on these random occasions (always work nights out?).

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that the shame will eventually subside, my husband will love me again, and there will be a day that I don’t think about this terrible night because right now it’s the only thing I can think about. Does moderation ever work for people like me?

It’s your body and your choice , although obviously those choices impact others, too. How is your husband feeling about all of this now?

I think you have an opportunity right now to re-evaluate your relationship with alcohol, but only you can decide if you want to take that opportunity. I hope you do, because without a re-evaluation, drinking only ever goes in one direction. If you want help, please reach out and ask for it

I was a binge drinker, had incidents like walked out after an argument with my late dp, fell & faceplanted the pavement & had to have my face glued back together. I stopped drinking in 2017, have never had a drink ever since.

For many people what happened to you would have been the tipping point and yet you are still wanting to continue drinking. That indicates you have a bigger problem than you might have thought.

What would be the repercussions if you didn't go on nights out with work?

The fact you’ve soiled yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you got too drunk. That could be you had an upset tummy. It does happen.

I think you should talk to your DH but the fact you remember this makes me think you weren’t as drunk as you think surely.

👌🏼💯

Ive seen this on more than one occasion. It's not "normal" but it's not unheard of, it's a possibility if you're shit faced

I also drink too much in work social situations but have managed successfully a one drink rule. I just pretend to myself I'm not 'out' I'm still at work, I still need the work face to be on.

@Bingedrinker your point about not wanting to start a book because it's admiring you have a problem. I felt just like that, but started the Catherine Gray book on Audible, it's more of a memoir rather than a 'give up alcohol, it's really bad for you' type book.

Please give it a start 💐

It’s not about admitting you’re an alcoholic or you have a problem. It’s about viewing alcohol as the poison it is. Trust me I would read this naked mind. You’ll see what I mean.

Beer and weaker beer (4%) is the answer if drink you must - wine and spirits and unknown strength cocktails are the roads to ruin. A lot of social drinking when you are nervous is about sipping something so the weaker the better.

I’m two years sober, and I recognise that feeling of nervousness regarding the upcoming wedding. All the ‘firsts’ were very hard for me - first sober Christmas, holiday, birthday…when you stop drinking you realise what an integral part alcohol plays in our celebrations.

The trick is, though, to question that fact. Why would this wedding be a happier occasion if I had ethanol in my bloodstream? Why does watching my family open their Christmas presents need the presence of alcohol to be a joyous thing?

Once you start thinking like that, the presence of alcohol everywhere becomes a bit weird. And then you can focus on the plus side of doing all these things without alcohol. So…your memories will be clearer. You can remember the occasion without shuddering with embarrassment. You won’t have a hangover. There won’t be any photos where you look like Winston Churchill sitting in the corner (or was that just me?) You won’t get into any drunken arguments. The list goes on.

My mantra for staying sober is ‘No downside.’ These days I recognise my attempts to moderate for what they were - clinging onto something I’d given far too much power over me. Like a bad relationship, really. I’m free now. No downside.

The feeling of horror and shame will fade, don't keep beating yourself up op.Many people have a problematic relationship with alcohol, it's really common, so in that sense you are 'normal', effective though the end of your night was mortifying ...i haven't done that specifically, but have done some other absorb mortifying things when really drunk...... its a mind and body altering drug that would be outlawed if just discovered .. so start going easier on yourself now... the self flagellation perpetuates the anxiety. I also second that moderation is a tricky and perhaps pointless thing. Why drink beer or cider if you don't like them? It's a bit like saying I love pineapples but I can't eat them so I'm going to have a potato instead, although I don't like potatoes.... its really the alcohol that our trained brains like, so rewiring our brains to not need that little alcohol buzz is the healthiest and happiest we can make them, IMHO. Good luck with the way forward.

Op, is there a part of it you’re trying to fit in 0n works nights out, be part of the gang, matching everyone else? They can take it and manage and you can’t?

as said, I do not think you’re an alcoholic at all and people are projecting and just wanting to tell their stories. But very very occasional binges when nervous and with a group drinking heavily does not make you an alcoholic

There's a similar thread with a woman who has been living with her husband doing this for years, getting drunk and pissing himself. She's come to the end of the line with it.

You need to own this now, talk to your husband, maybe get some counseling for your social anxiety and stop drinking. It's not too late but I wouldn't be drinking at all going forward, or at least never more than one or two. You can lie about being on antibiotics for a while, or offer to drive, or just say you don't drink/you're not drinking. You can do this.

As an aside, sugary cocktails at places like Slug and Lettuce, while lovely, give me the terrible runs. Best to stick to beer or a g&t with lots of mixer.

Thanks again for the tips. I remember that thread about a woman who’d come to the end of the line with her husband. This has never happened to me before and I never want to be in that state ever again.

Part of the problem that night was that I knew I was drunk so I ordered tonic only - then these work colleagues come back with a large glass of red for me. This happened a few times and without trying to shift blame I can only say that I felt peer pressured to drink. Even writing that down sounds incredibly childish and stupid. Im
an adult FFS.
I’m a huge people pleaser and definitely want to feel part of the ‘in crowd’ that goes out etc. To what end? I have no idea. I have good close friends, that I have zero compulsion to drink to excess around, a wonderful loving husband, I really don’t need to impress or even spend time with these people.
After shutting myself indoors for the last few days I’m heading out for lunch with a friend so I’m hoping that will be a good step back into normality.
As for moving forward from this. Alcohol is off the cards for me for the foreseeable future. I’ve also decided to miss work events from now on. It’s an odd realisation but I tend to binge on free alcohol and food. I grew up in a very poor household and whilst I’m very comfortable now, I’ve never been able to shake the appeal of free things. I had wasting food, I’m terrible at spending money, and I’ve had binge eating issues in the past etc.
I really resonate with a PP - there is absolutely no downside to not drinking, and I’ll be repeating that mantra to myself for the foreseeable

Name changed for this but I was on the other side, in that it was my husband who came home absolutely pissed out of his head, fell asleep with his head down the toilet then shat himself. I actually posted about it once and everyone told me to leave him, so I think people are giving you an easy ride here, which is understandable, but I don't think it will do you any favours in the long run.

Like you, DH had a cycle of drinking, so it would start out in moderation, then build and build til he'd do something stupid on a night out like fall flat on his face in front of work colleagues etc. Incredibly, even shitting himself didn't make him stop drinking as he tried to prove to himself that he could drink in moderation (spoiler; he couldn't). It took him another 3 years of him continuing to drink and our marriage deteriorating and me finally telling him I was leaving because I couldn't keep caring and had to look after me and my kids, for him to stop. He's been alcohol free for over a year now and I couldn't be prouder of him, but it was hard work for both of us to repair all the damage that's been done.

My advice to you would be to give up the drink altogether. Seek help if you need to. You don't have to drink. Don't dismiss how this is making your husband feel either. I'm not going to sugar coat it, deep down he'll be feeling disgusted with you and whenever you have a drink, it will always be at the back of his mind how the evening is going to end.l and it will eventually have an effect on your marriage somewhere down the line, if not now. Good luck, whichever path you choose.

You have my sympathies.
I'm also an introvert and so in the past I used to drink to make it easier. I've been in some absolutely humiliating situations myself.

When I go out with friends now I remember to drink slowly and generally set myself a limit, generally two large glasses is mine before the word vomit starts happening and I say things I regret the next day.

I hope you feel better soon xx

I think the people trying to say if you are or arent an alcoholic isnt helpful. Its true you arent alcohol dependent, but it sounds like you have problematic drinking behaviour. Thats the language most professionals will use around it

Anyone can have problematic relationships with alcohol and people often minimise it (which i think is whats happening on this thread) because they dont want examine too hard the impact of alcohol on their life and by only talking of alcoholics as people who are dependent we've created a big shame about it.

A problematic relationship means its negatively impacting on your life, and the negatives of it out weigh the positives for you.

My mum for example has a problem with alcohol. She doesnt drink that frequently but its bad when she does. It means that she feels bloody awful the next day and has missed important things, struggles to get up etc. Shes also misbehaved enough at events that her alcohol use sporadic as it is is causing problems for her. It also meant she was spending more than she was comfortable on it

It sounds like its similar for you. Yes you have nights where its okay, but you are also having nights where its going badly.

What are the problems you think are caused currently? It sounds like youve had other difficulties after work nights out before. This isnt a one off slip of judgement, it sounds like its a pattern in similar scenarios. Even if this is the worst its been, has there been other issues before during them?

Think of it like weed or cocaine. Some people take it with zero issue, others cant. Regardless of what other people are doing around you, its your own responsibility to know how it impacts you and your own limits (others will only possibly know their own)

I think you need to examine why your pushing so hard for moderation, and why the idea of going to events with zero alcohol seems impossible.

How would it feel to have drinks that look, taste the same and are as socially normal (eg alcohol free beer so you dont feel the odd one out)

If so then it sounds like there is a function for alcohol in social situations thats about masking anxiety. Its much better to manage the anxiety then try to drink it away

I think people are being a little evangelistic in insisting the OP should stop drinking completely and questioning why she doesn't want to.

I expect that she probably enjoys drinking like most of us and if this has given her a wake-up call and she does indeed plan to moderate herself in future there's nothing wrong with that: there's nothing in the thread to suggest that this was anything but a one-off.

I admire your self-awareness BTW OP and your intention to do something about this

On a thread where the OP has managed to crap herself due to the amount of alcohol she's drunk, I find the post above most bizarre and something you'll only find when it comes to drinking. If someone had overdosed on heroin, you wouldn't tell them 'oh, you just need to learn how to do it in moderation'.

@Justdancers post was a good one. Op has a problem with alcohol. She needs to learn to live without it, not how to manage it.

I agree.

if she could moderate, she would have done so and not got into this state in the first place.

No judgment here I’m a former heavy drinker myself.

She does moderate. She moderates nearly all the time. Rare occurrences doesn’t make an alcoholic. No doctor would agree such a thing/

I don’t like the term ‘alcoholic’. It implies that there’s something wrong with the drinker, and that they should be able to drink.

Alcohol is bad for you, and everyone who drinks it runs the risk of becoming addicted - because it’s addictive.

You don’t hear of ‘heroinaholics’ do you? Or ‘cigaholics’?

You are a binge drinker who can't stop at a few. The decision forward now lies with you, either give up or be back here again in a couple of months with another installment.