Night out ended badly :(

[Bingedrinker]

Hello, it’s my first time on this side of MN so have name changed. Please be kind.

To cut a long story short I had a very heavy night out of Wednesday to the extent that I walked home from the train station having badly soiled myself. I got home went straight into the shower but didn’t manage to sneak past my husband without him seeing the absolute disgusting state that I was in. Given the state I was in, I can’t remember a lot but enough to feel so much shame.

To say that I’m horrified is an understatement, whilst I’ve been drunk before, never in my life have I let it get this far. My husband is barely talking to me and has been off with me ever since. He thinks I can’t remember the state I was in, and I’m going along with it to hide my shame. I largely want to burst into tears all the time. I don’t know how I ended up THAT drunk, but all I know is a NEVER EVER want to get this way again. I can’t explain/justify my behaviour but I’m a very social introvert, and sometimes I turn to excessive drinking to power me through socially. I never drink so much around friends or family, because I don’t need the social crutch so much.

I’m (on paper) - young, smart, successful - but turn into someone I just don’t recognise on these random occasions (always work nights out?).

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that the shame will eventually subside, my husband will love me again, and there will be a day that I don’t think about this terrible night because right now it’s the only thing I can think about. Does moderation ever work for people like me?

"I just don't sleep so well after drinking" - it's true, and it might make the person asking realise it's true for them too.

@Bingedrinker I never bothered to try to be sober as its pointless, we spend a lot of time eating and drinking in pubs and I enjoy it, but I never get stupid when it's me and my husband, we drink beer and I have no reason to be anxious around him. We are big pub goers. I can keep up with him no problem it's just the wine, new people and feeling really unconfident. We often drink 3 glasses of wine at the weekend watching TV so I know my trigger is definitely new people and anxiety/low self esteem.

I think I put too much pressure on myself to be part of a group, to have friends, when really I'm quite happy just pottering about with my son and husband. I've tried over the years to make new friends and this year I'm not bothering. Friendships should be easy, not me falling about like a prick trying to drink up and be the life and soul.

@Bingedrinker You say in your most recent post that you don't know what happened... that's where I would start. Take yourself back to the evening and sit with it. Dissect it, figure out what happened. Try to see what were your thoughts.... Do this however much you don't want to do it. With feelings like shame the best way is to just feel them all the way through. So take yourself back there, figure out what happened so you can give yourself an answer and be able to say "I DO know what happened, it's this ...." That will help you build forward. x

Stop going to work shows if you always end up behaving this badly
And soiling yourself after a night out is the ultimate low op. You should feel ashamed!

Try to do better

Very helpful advice. We'll done!

There are so many options for non-alcoholic drinks now, some pubs even have non-alcoholic beer on tap, and most will have bottled.
And supermarkets have lots of non-alcoholic beer, cider, cocktails, wine etc.
I know it's not for everyone, but for me it stops me feeling left out if I fancy a beer in the sun.

The non-alcoholic industry has moved on since there was only Kaliber and Becks Blue :)

I have also stopped going to evening work events, because they do tend to be alcohol-heavy (ward nights out!).
I felt bad about not going to start with, and assumed everyone would notice and wonder why, but then realised I'm not that important :) :), no one is thinking about me, and various people don't go for different reasons.

I do sometimes miss the "instant friendship" - those times when you're drinking and start chatting to someone and end up drinking the night away with them - but the downside of that is too dark and risky.

@brightspice Thank you for the advice. After the initial panicked OP, I’ve had a lot of time to dissect a lot of thoughts and feelings that led me to that point, and you’re spot on, it’s helped me move forward a lot.

It may have been a one off, but it’s forced me to reevaluate almost everything in my life and given me a huge kick to get myself back to a healthy and happier place mentally and physically. I’ve made a lot of changes and can spot now that I’ve been in a mentally low point for a while and it’s going to take action on my part to get myself to a better state, it’s not going to magically just happen.

@StellaAndCrow Yes for all the non-alcohol options! I’ve been out for drinks with close friends three times since, and haven’t felt left out at all thanks to all these options. I may go back to moderate drinking at some point, but right now I really don’t feel the need or urge to.

@MistyRock We definitely have the same triggers - new people, low self esteem, and red wine are a recipe for disaster for me. The reality is I don’t even want new friendships, I’m happy with my close friends, DH, and family! So this need to be the life and soul of a party and be liked is utterly ridiculous.

I really appreciate all the supportive messages - I meant to update sooner but life got in the way. DH and I are in the best place and I feel a million miles away from the person who wrote the OP and long may that last 🤞

Well done Op, it sounds like you're moving on and making changes. I'm glad you're feeling a lot better.

That's amazing OP! Well done. You've got this!

@Bingedrinker yes - taking action while backing yourself (ie not judging yourself!) is the way. Well done you.

So happy to read this OP!

This thread is over a year old now, but I wondered how the OP @theemmadilemma is doing and others on the thread too. I also had a night of shame with colleagues last week and still feel very anxious about it. I also don't have an off switch. Hope you're ok, OP

Sorry the OP @Bingedrinker xx

Still sober here. lol

That's great to hear @theemmadilemma - I am not/was not a daily drinker but would have binges and do t have an off switch so think it's best I quit the whole shebang. I can't handle the guilt and shame and anxiety, of course, the next day.

I agree with these 'quick fixes'. Make sure you're always driving, turn down work nights out by saying you've got friends staying or something, and when you go for a 'drink' with your sister, be driving, or if you can't be driving, then say you're on antibiotics for an ear infection or something, if you feel you can't tell her that you just don't want to drink alcohol anymore.

@wannabedry I’m mortified that this thread is resurrected but over a year on I could not be in a more different place.

I remained sober for a few months and then fell pregnant with my first baby, so all in all was sober over a year. I now have a 3 month old and have had a glass of wine here and there but never more than a small one very occasionally, and in all honesty will probably never be drunk again.

My issues with alcohol were very much linked to social anxiety and also scarcity mindset. I grew up in a poor household so have always struggled to control myself around free food / drinks (e.g. at work events) despite now earning very well.

Good luck @wannabedry , don’t let one night define you. Pre pregnancy when I was sober I was surprised by how many people around me were low/no alcohol drinkers, due to driving, kids, or just lifestyle. I just hadn’t noticed previously because I was too busy hitting the red wine and it was a lot easier to join their ranks than I thought. Then getting pregnant and going through birthdays, Christmas, new year etc not drinking, it really was easy not to drink when you have a reason, but that doesn’t have to be a baby, your own health / self worth is reason enough!

Sounds like a funny story to me. A lot of people have done a lot worse and just laughed it off

@Bingedrinker thank you so much for taking the time to reply and firstly congratulations on your new baby and secondly congrats on keeping on the straight and narrow for so long!!

I think your thread came up as I was searching for bad drinking experiences with work and colleagues. Like you, I am quite happy to have a couple (and I literally mean one or two) at home with my partner or out at the pub with him. However, if I am out in social situations with friends (especially ones I don't know that well) or any work situation where there is alcohol, I go completely over the top and all my best intentions of 'I'll only have one' or 'I'll have a drink of water in between alcoholic drinks' or 'I'll just stick to spirits' or 'I'll have one alcoholic drink an hour' (you can see I have a whole range of so called rules!) go out of the window after two drinks. It seems that anything can happen. I get really over friendly with colleagues and also offer unsolicited advice (this is my worst one) 'advising' people on their relationships or careers. I've had so many black out drunk moments in past jobs and also slept with a few colleagues back when I was single. It's like a different person comes out.

I feel absolute shame and guilt the next day and couple with the awful depressive feeling I had last week, I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't moderate (except it seems, with my partner). But I just think I should have a complete break for now (at least 100 days). Ideally, I think I just want to be sober now. I don't want to have to dread work do's because I'm paranoid of what I will do or say and know the following day will be a write off.

Thank you again for your update. I hope I will be the same in a year or so's time!!!