Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

Crumbs, 24 on that audit check. And that was with a zero for guilt or remorse.

Shocking, isn't it? Mine scored similar. It's a real eye-opener.

It helped me see clearly that it really wasn't a me problem.

I got 25 for him
It was hard to answer the daily amount question though as it could really vary
Sometimes a bottle a night sometimes just a glass or 2 sometimes 3 bottles + !

I don't know why I wrote 'night'
Could be 2pm , 4pm, 11pm ,7am , 10:30am
You name it

Thank you @Cyberworrier for pointing me to this thread.

I'm going to read properly

You're welcome @fruitstick
If you feel comfortable maybe you could post about your situation here? I've found it very supportive and helpful here.

I hope everyone is doing ok by the way. I'm currently trying not to worry too much that I can't get hold of my husband and don't know where he is currently staying and we need to sort out selling our house. It just feels like a never ending story of chaos, even now we've separated. But I'm so glad to no longer live under the same roof at least.

@Cyberworrier I get you. It's scary when they won't respond to you and you know it's likely that they aren't doing well. I didn't hear a squeak from mine between the last day I saw him (his last birthday) and the day I got the call from the police informing me he had died, and a lot happened in between those days including both our DDs ending up in hospital on separate occasions. And I duly informed him and heard nothing back.

Hope you get the house sorted in the end!

And welcome @fruitstick . Feel free to share your story or lurk, whichever you are ready for.

Thank you everyone. I'll post what I posted on the other thread with a little more details.

Our teenage son died 2 years ago.

My husband is struggling. He is drinking too much and is depressed. He is angry, and bitter and negative about nearly everything. He only drinks of a Friday and Saturday but probably drinks 2 bottles of wine plus spirits each of those nights. Regularly he doesn't come to bed until 2 or 3. I go to bed at about 11 so he's drinking by himself watching music videos on Youtube. He keeps me awake and if I come down and ask him to turn it down, he refuses and is nasty.

The Sunday and most of the week he is obviously feeling wretched and sorry for himself, which is miserable to live with too.

He won't have any sort of therapy or see our GP. He won't talk to friends.

He admitted he needed to stop drinking but that hasn't happened. He's now gone back on that and says that I'm being unreasonable.

On Saturday, when drunk, he has said he wants to die.

I'm struggling with my own grief and don't know what to do to help him. I'm tired of going to bed by myself at the weekends, and I'm tired of the anxiety his drinking brings.

I feel trapped. I can't leave. DS2 has been through so much. I can't leave him behind but also can't uproot him.

I run my own business which between DS1's death and Covid is pretty much in ruins, so I have no savings, credit card debt and very little income. I've looked at rent prices and cried it is so beyond my means.

I'm tempted to move out temporarily but don't want to do it to DS2 - he's 13. He's coped so very well with everything that has happened and I can't do it to him.

Both my parents died when I was young - so have no family I can go and stay with. All my friends are married with children etc so can't go there.

DH would never leave in a million years.

What I should be doing, is focussing on building my business back up and supporting myself, but between my own grief, lack of emotional support and just the amount of energy dealing with all this takes - I don't even know where to start.

I feel like I don't have the strengh for any of it.

Oh @fruitstick that is so very tough. My late husband started drinking because his mother died very suddenly (she was not young) and never did anything to address that.

All you can do is address your own grief. Have you considered contacting CRUSE for bereavement counselling? They're a charity, so if you cannot pay it does not matter.

At 13 your DS2 is likely to know what is going on and he will be affected. Being around an angry, bitter man who will not help himself and only drinks is not doing him any good. Taking him out of that situation may well be the best thing for him, even if it doesn't feel like that.

And lastly, you can't go on like this. Your husband has no incentive to change and find recovery if there are no consequences for his behaviour. Losing everything may or may not be the kick up the backside that he needs, but it's the best chance any of you have.

I would normally suggest Al-Anon or SMART Friends& Family, but your situation is so clearly related to the loss of your DS1 that I think CRUSE should be your first port of call.

Keep posting here, we will support you.

Thank you

I have a therapist that I see once a fortnight. She has been incredibly helpful but ultimately can't help my husband.

But how do I leave? I have no money. Where will we go? What happens if I leave him in the house? I have a dog too that needs to be factored in. It's all too much.

It's worth looking into whether you would be entitled to any benefits if you left. The house (if owned) will have to be sold, with the equity split. If your DS lives with you, the split is likely to be in your favour and he will have to pay maintenance. You may end up in shitty temporary accommodation for a while, but it won't be forever, and it will be worth it to be free of this man so that you can build up your life again. I won't lie, it's going to be tough (the 8 months between my late husband leaving and him dying were financially really hard) but it will be worth it.

I am glad you are having counselling and it is helping you.

@fruitstick so sorry for the loss of your son 💐💐

have always said a parent should never have to bury a child

many on here has said about al anon

it is about self care for you

the three c’s

you didn’t cause it

you can’t control it

you cant cure it

I just found this thread and wondered if I could join you. It’s so sad to see how many people are affected by this! I’m in the process of divorcing an alcoholic. I’m so glad I finally got out (I stayed way too long), but it’s amazing how hard it is not to be continually dragged into their chaos!

@AFitOfTheVapours welcome and well done for getting out! Your insights will help posters who are still thinking and fretting about it.

Hello, i hope im ok to join the conversation? Here is my original post - www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4628499-to-expect-dh-to-not-drink-alcohol-during-the-week?page=1

i have had around 4 conversations now ending my marriage. Each time hes sad, completely in denial over his drinking and says im blowing it all out of proportion!! its bizarre gaslighting i suppose where he says im wrong and i think perhaps i am over reacting, but i keep having a word with myself that he drinks around 10- 19 units a day! I do need to be a little more forceful i think now as we seem stuck in a rut. We have a conversation, he is sad and says im wrong and doesnt want to end things (whilst continuing to drink). We carry on and i raise it again. Turns out hes smoking now too when hes out with mates - like we can afford all this at the moment 🙄

I remember posting on your thread and have just re-read it. I hope this group can help you move forward in one way or another, we're a friendly bunch.

Have you managed to contact SMART or find any groups in your area? I realise this can be very difficult if you live rurally.

You sound very stuck, and you've probably realised by now that talking to your husband isn't going to achieve anything. It's a scary place to be. When you say 'smoking', do you mean weed or cigarettes? Both are bad and expensive, but weed is actually worse as it has more of an impact on his cognitive faculties.

Your next steps are going to be all about deciding what you want to do. You don't have to rush anything, but as a starting point make sure you are fully aware of all your financial ins and outs. Look at a website called Entitled To and get an idea of what you would be able to claim in terms of benefits if you moved out with your DC. If you work, look at the implications of doing so as a single parent. Make sure you know where all your essential documents are - passports, birth certificates, driving license, house deeds if applicable. It's easier to decide from an informed position.

And keep posting here, even if you have nothing new or different to say. This is a safe space to vent and we don't put pressure on people.

Thanks @pointythings . I found it a huge help to know other people were in similar situations. It’s amazing how much madness we can put up with before finally draw a line.

Jules, eventually my ex admitted the problem and went to rehab (it didn’t work for him) but it took many years and a lot of angry denial to get to that point. Even now, he still is still in denial and constantly says he’s abstinent, even when there are breathalysers or blood tests showing he’s not. I have come to realise that the delusion is so intense and deep rooted that a big part of him actually believes it.
it is so very tough to deal with.
Believe in yourself, though, trust your instincts. You know how it affects your lives , you know he has a serious problem and that is what you have to hold on to. It’s interesting, I think, that so often the person with the genuine problem so often projects that onto the unaffected person. Your h is telling you you are deluded/blowing things out of proportion when, of course, the dysfunction is his.

Agree with @pointythings that talking it through with people that understand is so important. It really helps you gain perspective.

Thanks for your advice. I think im going to give a move out date. We rent and its in my name. All bills in my name. Perhaps that will force him to wake up. I mean every time ive re raised it, its like im talking to him about this for the first time!! Its so frustrating.

the smoking thing in particular grates as my older teen is going through the trying vaping phase - how can i say she shouldnt do that when dads smoking?!

Hi, I'm back. I've ended it with mine, but I'm heartbroken. This is so hard.

I have a thread in relationships too with background to the crisis that resulted in my decision. Drink was also a major factor I didn't really go in to there. Any support much appreciated on either thread. Thank you.

I've just read your thread and I can only say you're well out of that, even if it doesn't feel like that now. The combination of drink and cheating means that relationship was completely toxic, and I have no doubt that has affected you. Please take the time you need to grieve, think about what you want your life to be now that you have a fresh start and recover - you've been through so much. I would advise you to be single for a while so that you can learn to love your own company and your independence, and set a high bar for any future relationship.

Thanks.
I had a long chat with a friend last night.
I feel so different today. I am still sad about losing the good parts of him, but knowing I will never again have to endure all his drink related SHIT over and over for the rest of my life, I mostly feel FREE!

@Lieslies that's the way! If I were you, I would make a list of silver linings and put it up where you can see it so that you can remind yourself every day how much better life is without an addict in it. I did this immediately after things blew up with my late husband. I also (on advice from MN) made a sign that just said 'YOU ARE ALL AMAZING' for me and DDs to take heart from.